Broken

by Tanille Edwards

  “What?”

  “He went with a couple dudes from Peterson to the mall.”

  “When?”

  “Now,” he said.

  “Thanks!”

  “I’ve seen you before.”

  “I know. Hi.”

  “Are you his ex?” he asked.

  “What?”

  “Never mind.” Had Noel told people about me? And called me his ex? Oh, my god! Time was running out. I just darted past him down the stairs.

  By the time I got to the front door, I could barely fight the tears in my eyes. Was I just his ex? I stepped outside and nearly lost my breath. There he was, holding the door for her. She looked at him as if she was annoyed. He looked so much the same. Just like yesterday. Though the smile he was giving her was nothing like I remembered it.

  I opened my mouth. I desperately wanted to call his name. Hot tears ran down my cheeks as I stood there speechless. I could feel them welling up in my chest again. I loved him. I really did. Wasn’t it real? How could it be like this? This wasn’t right. But who could I complain to? Millions of prayers unanswered.

  The walk back to the limo was surreal. I was barely there. The moment I touched the car door, I felt myself grabbing onto it for dear life. My legs got weak. The driver got out of the limo and started to walk around to my side. I jumped in the car. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I fumbled through my bag for a pair of sunglasses. It took several seconds for me to even speak. Though I couldn’t hear him, I knew he was going to ask me “Where to?” I cleared my throat with hopes I wouldn’t sound half as destroyed as I felt. “Home, please,” I said.

  I desperately hoped he had not given his heart to her. If our love was real, in some parallel universe that was all our own, we belonged to each other—he and I. I had never given my heart to Merek. I couldn’t if I tried. It was forever Noel’s. I felt so stupid. By the time I made it down the stairs, the car was about to pull off. If only I went to his room straight away, I might have caught him. I watched as my courage became worthless, much like beauty without a heart. My heart was with him and I watched it speed away into the distance.

  It wasn’t until we hit the FDR that I began to wonder if this was a wasted day. While I still wasn’t sure about what happened yesterday, I was sure now, though. I couldn’t give up. What if this was part of our destiny? I knew now more than ever, after the tears, after the headache. He had to be mine. How could I love him so much if he was not to return?

  As determined as I pretended to be, I had a side that was too disciplined for my own good. It angered me a bit. Clearly, I could have gone to see him any time I wanted to over the past two years. My father’s authority rested only in my mind, not over my person! Every which way I looked at things concerning Noel, I felt foolish.

  I shook my head, confused. I feared the growing insolence inside of me could not be quieted for much longer. Was this really me, sneaking around and hiding from my friends? My limo pulled up at the house around 1:30. School wasn’t out for another hour. Yet still my eyes met a fresh auburn-locked diva with blond lowlight extensions, brown Undercover Starlet sunglasses, and the tightest uniform skirt above 57th. “Pull around the corner,” I told the driver. What was Cara doing waiting for me? “Never mind,” I said. I had to catch myself. Was it normal for me to assume she was waiting for me when, after all, she was dating my brother? Maybe she was waiting for him to come down or pull his car around. The driver opened my door. Prematurely, might I add. I was hoping for some more time in contemplation. The moment she saw me and I saw her, I knew it. She was there for me. The driver helped me out of the car. I guess I wasn’t getting out fast enough. He’d be scared too, if he knew Cara was there waiting for him.

  “Doll face!” She gave me double air kisses. Then she took a step back to see what I was wearing. It took all the restraint I had to keep from rolling my eyes. I did have sunglasses on, though—who’d know even if I did? “We all need a break from uniform, don’t we?”

  “Yes … I agree … I’m just … stopping in before I head downtown.”

  “Lunch?”

  “No, I have plans.” How ridiculous was it for me to lie to her? I still wasn’t sure if we were friends or not. “Where’s Dimitri?”

  “Yeah.” She looked at her watch, then her cell phone. Then she looked up.

  “Right here?” She looked surprised to see him. Weird. I looked over my shoulder and, sure enough, there he was making a U-turn on Park. I took my cell phone out to turn it on while I conveniently walked past her. Hopefully, he would keep her occupied.

  I smiled at the doorman and hurried to the elevator. I hoped I wouldn’t have to ride with Dimitri and Cara upstairs. They’d only be all over each other as if I wasn’t even there. Just rude!

  I had like 20 text messages, most of which were from Sierra. Her last text message read: “Frenchy said Cara’s going to your house for lunch? You home?”

  “Yes, am home now.”

  “Now?” she texted.

  “Had a couple of things to do this morning.”

  “Cara just texted Frenchy that you weren’t in your dad’s car. Shoot today?”

  “No, some other stuff.”

  “Had a staircase run-in,” she texted.

  “Who?”

  “Skater boy.”

  “OMG, kissy-kiss-kiss.”

  “Nah, may hang out after school today and study. Merek was looking for you,” she texted.

  “Thanks, I’ll hit him up. Going to nap now.” I was really tired. I didn’t know what to do. I thought Merek might want to hang out later. I didn’t think I’d be able to kiss him ever again after seeing Noel.

  Chapter 19 The Boy I Used to Know

  Some days, a full day of school felt worse than a 16-hour photo shoot. Senior year was definitely the hardest year yet. I’d found myself studying in the library during lunch every day. Merek spent lunch with me every day except for today. Today he had to leave school early for a college visit. He and his parents had started touring colleges: Duke, University of Maryland, Harvard, U Penn, Penn State, Dartmouth, Yale, Avery, and NYU. He had such a long list. He was almost done with his application essays. While I toiled away catching up for my Biology midterm, he leisurely wrote three different essays. Then he asked me to read them and give him my opinion. I had to add his essays to my pile of homework for the weekend!

  Sierra and I were riding home together. She was going to sleep over tonight because we’d barely had anytime to speak this week. I was also still waiting for her to tell me about Dimitri being in her class at Fordham. It was odd of her to keep such a thing a secret. But I guess we all had them.

  “We just touched down in Boston. I’m sooo ready for this,” Merek texted.

  “Take some pictures of you on campus for me,” I texted.

  “I hope you’ll be holed up at your castle this weekend. It’s the first place I’ll be when I get back Sunday,” he texted. Oddly, after being with him all week at lunch, in between classes and seeing him after dinner for dessert on Wednesday and Thursday, I was still missing him a little. The fact that he brought me dessert because I had to stay home and study was so nice. At the same time, there was always a little guilt in my heart.

  “I’ll have dessert waiting.”

  “You cook?”

  “No, I buy!”

  “LOL. I will still love it. Save wet kisses for me .”

  Other than stealing free hotel rooms, this guy was sort of perfect. It was hard for me to swallow that he was perfect for this girl. I just wasn’t ready to give up my secret dream.

  Sierra spent most of the 15-minute ride home texting some girl from her Fordham class about the exam they had the night before. Night school was something I did not want to take in college. It would make it that much harder for me to get up in the morning. After my first few 6 a.m. calls, I realized I wasn’t a morning person. The coffee on set was always the worst, which meant I had to leave my house extra early to get a cup of Noel’s most
hated brand. The place that makes my beloved lattes with syrup. I even found a Pinterest receipt for a cotton candy frap once. Yum!

  I felt the warmness of my smile when I thought of him. In my mind, I was completely engulfed in the need to see him. It had been seconds before I realized the car had stopped. I was once almost jealous over Noel, long before he had gone so far away. “So how are things in Merekville?” Sierra asked. I smiled at our doorman. He was new. The old one retired. He’d been with the building ever since I was born. Even before that. The new one had kind eyes, like Noel. I had to catch myself. I really had to get him off my mind. Merek hadn’t even been out of the city for 24 hours.

  I had a full week without one thought of him. Then today my brain was on Noel overload.

  “Hello! Anybody up there?” Sierra said. I hoped she could tell how annoyed I was. “You spend too much time thinking.”

  “We can’t all be geniuses like you,” I laughed.

  “You are so mistaken.”

  “Yes, Ms. Fordham,” I said. She turned away from me.

  I proceeded out of the elevator. When we got into the house, I pranced right past the welcome table. I didn’t know if Cara would go through my stuff if I left it in the front. So I stopped using that area. I took all of my belongings to my room. I shuddered a little at the thought of having to do that. I’d have to live with it. I couldn’t take any chances with Crazy.

  As soon as we got into my room, Sierra shut the door and locked it. I walked over to my window seat, dropped my books on the desk, and sat down Indian style. Sierra hurried over to me and did the same. “Dimitri’s in my class at Fordham. I feel awful that I didn’t tell you.”

  “I’m not keeping tabs on him.”

  “We studied together last night,” she said.

  “Ewu? Where?”

  “The coffee house on 9th, two blocks from school.”

  “Sierra, you don’t have to be nice to him.”

  “I wasn’t at first, but he was nice to me.” She smiled.

  “Next thing you’re going to tell me you fell in love with his swagger.”

  “No. We studied together. We didn’t get married!”

  “Sorry,” I said.

  “Odd. You’re starting to sound like Frenchy.”

  “Okay!”

  “At first, he started saying, ‘Hey.’”

  “Hey? He doesn’t even say hey,” I said.

  “Yeah, like ‘Hey, what up?’ So I gave him a dry ‘hey’ back.”

  “Dry?”

  “Then he asked me for notes from the last class one time. I told him I would give them to him once, but he should hold onto to his own notes. I mean, he is in college. Why would he ask me, a high-schooler, for notes?”

  “Why?”

  “I just said it. Anywayz, three weeks went by and he didn’t speak at all. Then last night he asked me if I could help him with last week’s homework. He’d gotten a C- on it.”

  “What did you get?”

  “You have to ask?” Sierra pulled the assignment out of her bag. “A.”

  “Genius, I tell you,” I said.

  “We studied and then he drove me home.” I didn’t want to say anything. The word “date” did cross my mind. But his semi-human girlfriend crossed it right after.

  “Be careful.”

  “Of what!”

  “Cara,” I said.

  “As if! It’s not like I want to date Dimitri.”

  “He’s the love-them-and-leave-them type.”

  “He is?” Sierra looked away for a moment. I, too, found myself called to another thought. Merek had told me he was going to pick a school near New York to be closer to me. Noel was only two hours away and I never saw him. Why did Merek love me more than Noel did? It was then my mind let out something I had totally blacked out. The tattoo Noel got.

  “Don’t be quiet on the Merek front. I live for these stories until I have a real hottie of my own.”

  “It’s not exciting. We studied at the library all week. Then he brought me dessert after dinner last night so we could play checkers together. I am still working on figuring out why he likes checkers so much. Never played that game so much in my life!”

  “Oh! I haven’t played a board game in forever.”

  “Ouija board doesn’t count?” I asked.

  “Stop.” She laughed.

  “Merek’s nice. What else could I say?”

  “Nothing from the other guy?”

  “Nothing. I have a good boyfriend now. I don’t know what was wrong with me.” It was the tattoo that was plaguing me. My name was on his back and he still forgot about me.

  “Love. I would’ve done the same thing.”

  “There are too many four-letter words that can get you into trouble, like love.”

  “You never want to talk about him. Tell me about when he was home with you.”

  “I don’t remember much about it.”

  “As if!” she said.

  “I do, but I’m trying to not to. This is not right. I can’t love him and be with Merek. I’ve made up my mind. I’m choosing Merek.”

  “He’s close to perfect, Merek. But the way you make love sound when you talk about the other guy, I want to feel like that one day.”

  “When I used to spend time with him, I knew I was supposed to be with him. Now, I don’t know. Now, when I’m with Merek, I feel different. I have to choose,” I said.

  “You can’t know everything. That’s why you need a psychic. I went to a psychic and I still don’t know what school I’m going to get into.”

  “When?”

  “With my cousin, Veronica.” Now I didn’t want to hear the story.

  “I’ll tell you what she said if you tell me about him.”

  “Noel?”

  “Duh!”

  I contemplated for a moment. I didn’t really want to hear the story. Sierra’s obsession with Veronica was interesting. Cool that she looked up to her but the emulation—this, I did not get. She wanted to be like her so bad, it was like she was her shadow. Then this whole psychic thing was kind of eerie, yet intriguing all in one. A bit much before dinner. But she had never so blatantly asked about Noel.

  “Come on. You never, ever tell me anything about him.” This was partially true. Your best had to know the history on the guy you loved, right? It was like a written law on the magic scroll of best friend rules or something. In honor of that, tell I would.

  “Oh, we were kind of geeks, so prepare to be unimpressed.”

  “Really.” Her eyes were laced with disbelief.

  “One day, before my mom had died, a few weeks after we had first kissed when we realized we liked each other, I met him on 80th and Lex. He used to carry one of those messenger bags.”

  “Is he tall?” she asked.

  “A few inches taller than me.”

  “I love tall boys!”

  “Don’t think I’m weird—after school, sometimes, we used to stuff meters with quarters.”

  “Why?”

  “I remember one day my mom had gotten a ticket when Noel and I were with her. I don’t even know why … she was driving. Oh, she had taken us to this dessert place in Brooklyn that Noel’s mom used to take him to. It was the place where his parents met. Halfway up the block, my mom looked at her watch. ‘We might cut it close. Two or three minutes,’ she said. When we got to the car, she went ballistic. She was like, ‘I’ve never gotten a ticket! I have two more minutes on my meter! We are not late.’ She was fuming. That ticket totally ruined her day. After that, I asked Edna to get me quarters, lots of quarters. Every week, Noel and I would do the same thing on Wednesdays and Thursdays. We would walk about and put quarters in any meters that were almost expired.”

  “I hope he’s hot. That’s a little weird, M.” We laughed.

  “It was so weird because that day after we put quarters in the meters for blocks, the meter ticket guy came up to us. He said what we were doing was a crime. Noel told him to shut up and stop lying. Then he sai
d, ‘You wouldn’t want us to ask her parents’ lawyer about this.’ I looked at his name tag and called his name out. ‘Burns?’ Like that. Then Burns told us you can only put money in your meter or your family’s meter, but not the entire block. Noel laughed and said, ‘Don’t worry, we’ve done more than one block. We’ve done five so far.’ Noel grabbed my hand and we walked away. We laughed for like two blocks. I remember reaching for my sunglasses. I had these violet aviators I loved. Noel was wearing geeky black Ray-Bans, like the Blues Brothers, before they were even in. Then we made a stop. It was Noel’s favorite place to dislike. He called it the Ubiquitous Commercial Coffee Spot.”

  “Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about because you know that’s my favorite coffee.”

  “Me too. I’ve been drinking it since I was like 10,” I said.

  “Got you beat. Had my first sip of frap at seven.”

  I just shook my head. “At the coffee house, I go inside to order and Noel stands outside. I noticed a group of girls staring out the window behind me while I was in line. Of course, I turned around. Then I look back at them. I go place my order. I used to …” I paused for a moment. I was so caught up in the story that I almost told on myself. I used to sign and speak then. That’s why I avoided that location at all costs now. Even if I have a coffee headache, I walk to the one on 86th. No one knows me there.

  “What?”

  “I used to drink caramel lattes then. That day, I tried something new for some reason. It wasn’t that good. Waiting for my drink, I peeked at those girls. There were like four of them. They were talking about these magazines. Every once in a while, they would glance over at the door. One of them was like, ‘She’s here, up the block.’ I turned my back and put a sleeve on my drink. When I headed to the door, I noticed a girl talking to Noel.”

  “What? She didn’t!” Sierra said. We both laughed. Sierra was the best. “What did the girl look like?” she asked.

  “She was pretty, long brown hair, small, almond-shaped eyes … she had on a uniform.”

  “Did she go to school around here?”