Treasure Fever!

by Andy Griffiths

  A piece of ribbon.

  4.

  Ask Mrs Rainbow for all of these things.

  5.

  Draw a map of the school. Get Jack to do it because he’s the best drawer, and he can draw really good maps.

  6.

  Draw a skull and crossbones in the top right-hand corner of the paper.

  7.

  Draw a compass in the top left-hand corner.

  8.

  Write NORTH at the top of the map, SOUTH at the bottom, EAST on the right and WEST on the left.

  9.

  Mark fake treasure location with an X.

  10.

  Crumple up the paper.

  11.

  Flatten it back out.

  12.

  Crumple it up again.

  13.

  Flatten it out again.

  14.

  Crumple it up again.

  15.

  Flatten it out again.

  16.

  Argue with Jack about how many times you need to do this to give the map an authentically worn look.

  17.

  Use cottonwool ball to dab cold tea on it. This will give your map an authentically old brown look.

  18.

  Be careful not to accidentally use hot tea because it will burn your fingers when you dab your cottonwool ball into it. (Just ask Newton.)

  19.

  If Newton does burn his fingers and causes the tea to spill all over the map, throw it away and repeat steps 5 to 17. Next time, don’t let Newton anywhere near the tea.

  20.

  Light the candle and carefully burn the edges of the paper. This will give your map that truly authentic burnt-edged pirate map look. You will, of course, need Mrs Rainbow’s help to do this because it’s very easy to accidentally set fire to the map. (Just ask Newton.)

  21.

  If Newton does set fire to your map, use what’s left of the cold tea to put out the flames. Repeat steps 5 to 20, and don’t let Newton anywhere near the candle.

  22.

  Argue about why treasure maps have burnt edges. (Jenny thinks it’s because pirates were very careless and always dropping their stuff in fires. When I pointed out that they lived on ships in the middle of the ocean, Jack suggested that the oceans were a lot more fiery in pirate days. But that’s just stupid.)

  23.

  Dry fake treasure map with a hair dryer.

  24.

  Roll it up and tie it with a ribbon. This is how pirates always did things up because rubber bands hadn’t been invented yet.

  25.

  Hey, presto, you’re done! You are now the proud owner of a real genuine authentic fake pirate-treasure map!

  32

  Treasure fever!

  As I arrived at school the next morning it was obvious that word of the treasure had got around.

  How did I know this?

  Because I could see, even before I entered the gate, that pretty much everybody in the entire school was searching for it.

  Anywhere there was a patch of grass or dirt, there were kids digging holes.

  And where there wasn’t any grass or dirt, kids were trying to dig holes in the asphalt. They weren’t getting very far, but the thing was that they were trying.

  There were kids digging on the front lawn area.

  Kids digging on the sports field.

  One boy was even digging in the flowerboxes outside Principal Greenbeard’s office window.

  Mr Spade was running around like a lunatic, chasing kids off the sports field and out of the flowerbeds. But he was fighting a losing battle. As soon as he chased one group of kids away, another group would start somewhere else.

  The whole school had caught treasure fever!

  The whole school had gone treasure mad!

  Unfortunately, I wasn’t about to help the situation. In fact, for my plan to work, I had to make it a whole lot worse. The first step was to give the map to Fred Durkin. The second step was to make sure that everybody knew Fred had a map.

  The first step was pretty easy because Fred and Clive were waiting for me at the school gate.

  ‘Well, if it isn’t my old mate Henry McThrottle,’ said Fred, smiling. ‘Have you got my treasure map?’

  ‘Of course,’ I said, handing it over. ‘Happy hunting.’

  Fred and Clive pulled the ribbon off the map, unrolled it, and studied it quickly.

  ‘What does the X mean?’ Clive asked.

  ‘It’s where the treasure is, stupid!’ Fred replied.

  ‘What, right in the middle of the little kids’ sandpit?’

  ‘Well, that’s where the X is.’ Fred frowned. ‘But something doesn’t add up . . .’

  ‘What could be more clear?’ I said.

  ‘If you knew this,’ said Fred, ‘then why were you digging on the hill?’

  ‘I would have thought it was obvious,’ I told him. ‘I was double-crossing the others. I didn’t want them to know where the treasure was really buried. I was going to do my own secret dig in the sandpit after school.’

  Fred nodded with approval. ‘Smart, McThrottle. Real smart. But you’d better not let me catch you digging in the sandpit or you’ll regret it.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ I said. ‘I know better than to try and double-cross someone as smart as you. And if you like, I’ll keep digging on the hill to make sure the others don’t give you any trouble.’

  ‘But won’t they get suspicious?’ said Fred. ‘They’ll know that you gave me the map and I’ll be digging in the sandpit.’

  ‘I’ll tell them I gave you a fake treasure map!’ I said.

  Fred smiled. ‘Good work, McThrottle. You’re pretty smart for a moron.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, my head spinning.

  Double-crossing people sure was complicated.

  But I wasn’t finished yet.

  33

  Regaining Skull Island

  After leaving Fred I made sure that as many people in the school as possible knew that:

  1. Fred Durkin had the treasure map that indicated the true position of the treasure.

  2. The treasure was buried in the junior sandpit.

  To make sure that as many people in the school as possible knew, I told Gina and Penny. If you’ve got a secret that you want not to stay secret, telling Gina and Penny is the best way to make sure everybody knows about it. They cover a lot of ground on their imaginary horses.

  Sure enough, word spread fast.

  By lunchtime, Skull Island was all ours again.

  We went straight to the spot where we found the key.

  ‘Well done, Henry!’ said Jack. ‘We’re the only ones here!’

  ‘Everybody else is over at the junior sandpit,’ said Jenny, who was standing on top of the hill. ‘It looks kind of crowded.’

  ‘I don’t think Fred is going to be very happy about that,’ said Newton.

  ‘Fred is never very happy about anything,’ Gretel pointed out. ‘Even if he found the treasure, I don’t think he’d be very happy.’

  ‘Yeah, well,’ said Jack, ‘he’s about as likely to find treasure in that sandpit as he is to find a brain in his brother’s head.’

  We all laughed.

  ‘Come on,’ said Gretel. ‘We’re wasting time. Let’s dig!’

  We’d all brought spades from home. That fact, plus the fact that the ground was softer after the rain, made digging a lot easier than it had been before.

  Within fifteen minutes we had a very deep and impressive hole.

  But no treasure.

  ‘Where is it?’ said Gretel. ‘We found the key here. The treasure must be close by.’

  ‘Maybe it’s shifted over time,’ said Jenny.

  ‘How could that happen?’ said Jack. ‘You dig a hole. You put the treasure in. You put the dirt back in. The treasure doesn’t go anywhere.’

  ‘There might have been an earthquake,’ said Jenny.

  ‘An earthquake?’ said Newton, looking scared.

  ‘
Don’t worry, Newton,’ said Jack. ‘There are no earthquakes in Northwest Southeast Central. No earthquakes. No tornadoes. No floods. No fires. Northwest Southeast Central is the most boring place in the world.’

  ‘I like it,’ I said. ‘Believe it or not, Jack, I don’t want to get shaken up in an earthquake, sucked up by a tornado, washed away in a flood or burned up in a fire.’

  ‘Henry,’ said Jenny, ‘you’re scaring Newton.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I said, patting Newton on the shoulder. ‘Don’t worry, you’re safe here.’

  ‘Apart from the risk of falling into a big hole,’ Jack added.

  ‘Yikes!’ said Newton.

  ‘Well, I’m glad we got that settled,’ said Gretel. ‘Meanwhile, do we keep digging?’

  ‘Definitely not!’ said a familiar voice. Mrs Cross was walking up the hill towards us. ‘I don’t know what you kids think you’re doing, digging a hole as big and as dangerous as that, but I want you to fill it in immediately and then go back to class!’

  ‘But lunchtime hasn’t finished yet,’ said Jack.

  Mrs Cross stared at Jack. ‘It will be by the time you’ve finished filling in that hole,’ she said.

  ‘But everybody else is digging holes,’ said Gretel.

  ‘Just because everybody else is doing something doesn’t make it right,’ Mrs Cross chided. ‘Fill in the hole before somebody falls in and hurts themselves or I’ll send the lot of you to Principal Greenbeard’s office.’

  We started filling the hole in as Mrs Cross stomped back down the hill.

  ‘Why is she picking on us?’ asked Newton.

  It was a good question.

  I didn’t know the answer then, though I do now.

  At that moment, as we all got down on our hands and knees to fill in the hole, all I knew was that treasure hunting was turning out to be a lot of hard work . . . and not much fun.

  34

  How to make friends with a banana

  By the time the bell rang for the end of lunch we were exhausted.

  And hungry.

  Fortunately, when we came back into class there was a banana on each of our desks.

  ‘Excuse me, Mr Brainfright,’ said Fiona. ‘There’s a banana on my desk.’

  ‘Ah, you’ve noticed!’ Mr Brainfright looked pleased. ‘Excellent observation, Fiona.’

  ‘There’s one on my desk, too!’ said David.

  ‘And mine!’ said everybody else at the same time.

  Mr Brainfright nodded. ‘Very good,’ he said. ‘Nothing wrong with Class 5C’s eyesight. But if you didn’t have eyesight, how might you tell that there was a banana on your desk?’

  ‘By smelling it?’ said Jenny.

  ‘Yes!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Now, everybody close your eyes and see if you can smell the banana on your desk.’

  By now we were getting used to Mr Brainfright’s unusual lessons. In fact, we were looking forward to them.

  We all closed our eyes.

  Well, all except me, because I needed to check whether everybody else had closed their eyes. When I did close them, I noticed a definite smell of banana in the air.

  ‘Well?’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Who can smell their banana?’

  ‘I can smell banana,’ said Fiona, ‘but I don’t know if it’s my banana or because the room is full of bananas.’

  ‘You should be able to smell your own banana,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Every banana has its own unique smell. Its own unmistakable scent. No two bananas are alike.’

  ‘Yes, they are,’ said David, holding up his and Fiona’s bananas. ‘Look, they’re both yellow, they’re both curved, and they both smell like bananas!’

  ‘At first glance, yes,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘But take a closer look.’ He took the bananas from David and held them up. ‘Examine their markings. This one has a small black mark in the middle, whereas this other one has a slightly ragged black hat.’

  It was funny, but as Mr Brainfright pointed out the unique markings and features of the bananas, they began to seem as different from each other as, well, two bananas, I guess.

  ‘All right,’ said Mr Brainfright, ‘now it’s your turn. I want you to look at your banana. Not just look at it, but really look at it. Study your banana. Examine your banana. Give your banana a name.’

  ‘A name?’ said Jenny. ‘For a banana?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Why not? Make friends with your banana! Bananas are people too.’

  ‘No, they’re not,’ said David. ‘They’re bananas!’

  ‘Perhaps it might help if you draw a little face on it,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘Like this.’

  Mr Brainfright picked up a black marker and drew a happy little smiley face on his banana.

  ‘There!’ he said. ‘How’s that?’

  David frowned.

  The rest of the class laughed . . . and immediately began drawing faces on their bananas.

  ‘I’m going to give my banana a name,’ said Clive in a loud voice. ‘I’m going to call mine Henry. And then I’m going to MASH it.’

  I ignored Clive, but Jack couldn’t. ‘I’m going to call mine Fred,’ he said, ‘because it’s got about as many brains as him.’

  ‘I’m going to tell my brother you said that,’ said Clive, ‘and I can tell you now—’

  ‘Yeah, I know, I know,’ said Jack, ‘he’s not going to like it.’

  ‘I’m going to tell him you finished my sentence, too!’

  ‘I don’t even care,’ said Jack, ‘because if your brother tries anything it’s not just me he’s going to have to deal with . . . it’s my banana as well.’

  Jack held up his banana. He’d drawn a really mean face on it. That was one scary banana. Definitely not the sort of banana you’d want to meet late at night in some dark alley.

  ‘Don’t fight, boys,’ said Jenny, holding up her banana, which had a smiley face on it, almost identical to the smiley face on the badge she had found on Skull Island. ‘Let’s all be friends! Let’s have a banana party!’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ said Clive. ‘You and your bananas are all freaks!’

  ‘Oh, you hurt my banana’s feelings!’ said Jenny.

  Which I’m pretty sure is what Clive was intending, but before he could reply, Mr Brainfright called us all to attention.

  ‘Okay, class,’ he said. ‘Now you’ve all got to know your bananas a little better. You’ve studied them, smelled them, learned their names, given them faces and I note that some of you are even talking to your bananas and that your bananas are talking back to you. But now it’s time to get to know them even better. It’s time to eat your bananas.’

  ‘EAT my banana?’ said Jenny. ‘But I could never do that. I LOVE my banana!’

  ‘Never get emotionally attached to a piece of fruit,’ said Mr Brainfright, in a gravely serious voice. ‘You never know when you might have to eat it.’

  35

  Mr Brainfright’s important lesson no. 3

  Never get emotionally attached to a piece of fruit. You never know when you might have to eat it.

  36

  How to eat a banana

  ‘We are now going to learn how to eat a banana,’ said Mr Brainfright.

  ‘But we already know how to eat a banana,’ said David.

  ‘Oh, I’m sure you know how to shove a banana into your mouth while you’re busy doing something else,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘But I’m going to teach you how to eat a banana using all your senses.’

  ‘Will we be tested on this?’ asked Fiona.

  ‘Yes,’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘If you can eat a banana feeling as much excitement as you’d feel going on a rollercoaster, you’ll pass the test.’

  ‘Huh?’ said Fiona.

  ‘True happiness in life comes from being able to appreciate the ordinary,’ said Mr Brainfright, ‘not just the extraordinary. Now, take your banana, pinch the top, and then peel one side down.’

  Jenny had tears in her eyes. ‘I can’t do it!’ she said. ‘I can’
t!’

  ‘It’s okay,’ I whispered to her. ‘It wants you to.’

  ‘It does?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘It’s your friend, right? And friends look after each other. Your banana is looking after you by giving you fresh vitamins and minerals and filling you up with bananary goodness.’

  Yeah, I know, I sounded like an advertisement for breakfast cereal. But I didn’t like to see Jenny upset. And it worked.

  ‘Do you really think so, Henry?’ she said.

  ‘Yes,’ I told her.

  ‘Okay,’ she said to her banana, pinching the top of its head. ‘This won’t hurt a bit, I promise. Well, it will hurt a bit, but not too much.’

  ‘As you peel your banana,’ said Mr Brainfright, ‘don’t forget to look at it. Smell it. Feel it. Listen to the sound of the peel as it splits. Then, and only then, when you’ve removed all the peel, taste your banana!’

  I did as Mr Brainfright suggested.

  I looked at it.

  I smelled it.

  I felt it.

  I listened to it.

  I tasted it.

  Mr Brainfright was right. That banana tasted better than any other banana I’ve ever eaten in my whole life.

  37

  What to do with a banana peel

  ‘Do we put the peel in the bin?’ Jack asked after he’d finished his banana.

  ‘Oh no!’ said Mr Brainfright. ‘The peel is the very best part!’

  ‘We don’t have to eat it, do we?’ said Jack, looking as alarmed as Newton.