The Presence of Grace (Love and Loss #2)

by Anie Michaels

  She shrugged. “Okay.” I let out a breath of relief and made my way to the kitchen, quietly opening cabinets to try and figure out what I could make for a child recovering from a stomach bug. When I heard footsteps coming down the hall, I turned just in time to see Ruby hike herself up onto one of the barstools. Then she just stared at me.

  “What do you feel like eating?” She shrugged again. “Hmmm, I know when kids are sick, you’re only supposed to feed them food on the BRAT list.”

  “The what?” Her face contorted in confusion.

  “BRAT—bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast. Rice isn’t a very good breakfast choice. How about toast?” I gave her a hopeful look.

  “I hate toast.”

  “Okay….” I turned back to the cupboards, looking for applesauce but coming up empty-handed. My gaze moved over the countertops until I found what I was looking for. “Ah! But there are bananas. How about a banana?”

  Ruby chewed on her bottom lip a bit, then said, “I’m, like, really hungry.”

  “Hmmm,” I said, thinking that breakfast couldn’t always be this difficult. Then my eyes caught something else in the cupboard. “How about banana pancakes?”

  Her eyebrows rose. “You can make banana pancakes?”

  I shrugged one shoulder. “Sure. It can’t be that hard. You’ve got bananas and pancake mix. Besides, everything is possible with Google.” She gave a little laugh and I wanted to hold on to that sound forever, just grab it tightly and listen to it over and over again. Instead, I walked to the coffee table to retrieve my phone.

  Twenty minutes later I had thrown together Google’s easiest banana pancake recipe and two good-sized pancakes were cooking on the stovetop.

  “Were you on a date with my dad last night?” Ruby had been noticeably quiet as I prepared the batter, and I’d let the silence between us linger, unsure of where to start a conversation, so I was completely caught off guard by her question.

  “We… were… just spending some time together. No big deal.” I tried to sound airy and light, not at all like we were talking about the huge change Ruby had picked up on.

  “He put on his fancy cologne before he left. And you’re wearing a dress.”

  I read between the lines of what she was saying, and thanked my lucky stars I was forced to watch the pancakes bubble instead of having to face her. Obviously, Devon hadn’t explained to his children that he was dating, and it wasn’t my business to have that conversation with his daughter. The pancakes made a satisfying sizzle as I flipped them, and then I turned to Ruby.

  “Your father and I just enjoy each other’s company. Sometimes it’s good for adults to spend time with other adults.”

  Her face didn’t change with my statement, and she continued to watch me, looking as though she was waiting for more of an explanation. Waiting for me to tell her something that would take the fear of change away.

  “Are you making us breakfast? Why are you making breakfast? What are you doing here?” Jax’s questions came just as quickly as his presence. Suddenly, he was just there, climbing on the stool beside Ruby.

  “Good morning, Jax. I hope you like banana pancakes.”

  “We’ve never had banana pancakes before,” he replied, thankfully dropping his previous line of questioning. “But I like bananas, and pancakes, so sounds good.”

  I smiled at him, glad things were so black and white for him.

  “Where do you guys keep your plates?”

  The next few minutes were spent making sure the pancakes didn’t burn, getting plates ready, finding the syrup, and then watching Ruby and Jax take their first bites.

  “So?” I asked, curious as to whether the banana pancakes would pass the kid test. Both Ruby and Jax’s eyes rolled closed.

  “These are the best pancakes I’ve ever had, Miss Richards,” Jax said, mouth full and with a second bite on its way.

  “I’m glad you like it. And tell you what—if we’re not at school, you can just call me Grace.”

  He nodded and gave a grunt in response.

  “Ruby? How are the pancakes?” She took a moment to think about her answer.

  “They’d be better with chocolate chips,” she said just before putting another forkful in her mouth.

  “Yeah! Chocolate chips would be amazing,” Jax agreed.

  I gave them both a smile. “Next time I’ll be sure to add chocolate chips.”

  Chapter Ten

  Devon

  The sound of talking and laughter coming down the hall was what woke me. My eyelids were heavy, and my body was begging me to just roll over and go back to sleep, but in the last three years, that had never been an option. If the kids were up, I was up.

  I remembered coming home the night before after my hasty trip to the drug store in town, walking into a dark house, the only light the moon shining in through the windows in the living room. Grace was curled up on her side, shoes slipped off her feet, cell phone on the floor just below her outstretched hand, indicating she’d fallen asleep while looking at it.

  Her hair was spread out on the decorative pillow, her dress covering everything important but giving me a nice look at her legs. She looked peaceful and comfortable, prompting an inner battle; I wanted to move her to my bed and take the couch myself, but I didn’t want to disturb her since she was already asleep. I’d picked up her cell phone and placed it on the coffee table, and then grabbed an extra blanket from the closet and draped it over her carefully, trying not to wake her.

  After watching her sleep for a few moments, I finally dragged myself back to my room. In any other situation I would have had a hard time sleeping while Grace was just down the hall, but I’d been exhausted and I hardly remembered actually crawling into bed.

  My eyes swung to the digital alarm clock I kept on my bedside table and I had to look twice. It was 10:00 a.m. The last time I’d slept until ten in the morning had been back in college. I flung the covers off the bed, pulled on a T-shirt and jeans from a pile in the corner, made my way to the bathroom, and then out to the living room.

  The surprises kept coming as I walked into a scene of Grace sitting on my couch with both my kids, all of them looking at our television, watching Jax play Minecraft.

  “Good morning,” I said, still confused, when Grace and Ruby turned to look at me, both of them wearing perfect smiles.

  “Grace made banana pancakes if you want some, Daddy. We saved you some. We just have to warm them up.”

  “Banana pancakes?” I asked, looking to Grace, who was still smiling.

  “They are so good, Daddy. I’ll go warm them up for you,” Ruby said, jumping up from the couch and walking past me into the kitchen.

  “You’re feeling better, then?”

  “Much better,” she said with her head in the refrigerator.

  “There’s Gatorade in there. I want you to drink some of that anyway.”

  “I already had a whole bottle. Grace made me drink it with breakfast.”

  “I tried to stick to the BRAT diet, but we figured banana pancakes were a good compromise. Although, Jax has requested next time we add chocolate chips.”

  I was frozen where I stood, trying to take everything in.

  “You made my kids breakfast?”

  “Well, I was already awake, and Ruby was hungry. I figured she needed something in her belly, considering….”

  I heard her trying to defend herself and I could have kicked myself for making her feel like she’d done something wrong.

  “Thank you,” I managed, interrupting her unnecessary apology. “It’s been a while since I was able to sleep in.” She smiled, but I still felt like shit. “Kids, we’ve got to drive Grace home, so why don’t you get dressed.”

  “You’ve got to eat your pancakes,” Ruby insisted, the microwave dinging.

  “I’ll eat them while you get changed.” Ruby placed the pancakes in front of me on the bar and as she passed I stopped her, bringing her head to my chest, looking down at her. “You feeling okay, kid
do?” She didn’t feel warm and the color was back in her face.

  “I feel much better, Daddy. I was really hungry when I woke up, so Grace made me pancakes and made me drink the Gatorade. I feel fine.”

  I leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “I’m glad. Now go get dressed.” She made her way down the hall and when I knew both kids were in their rooms, I turned back to Grace.

  “Listen,” I said, dragging my fingers through my hair, “I’m really sorry about all this. Last night was a disaster and then this morning….” I looked up at her to see the smile still fixed on her face. “This definitely wasn’t the way I wanted our date to go.”

  She shrugged. “It’s not a big deal, Devon. I hope I didn’t overstep any boundaries though.”

  “No. No, of course not. I just don’t want you to think I brought you here to take care of my kids. I didn’t. I’m grateful you did, but you’ve got to know I didn’t even think about it. It’s been years since those kids didn’t come right into my bedroom when they woke up. I never expected they’d come to you first.”

  “All right,” she said, standing from the couch and walking toward me. “We’re both sorry and it all worked out.”

  Her dress flowed around her knees and some of her hair had come loose from the bun she’d wrapped it up in. Strands fell in soft sweeps along her neck and I wanted so badly to just run a finger along her there. With both excitement and apprehension, I’d envisioned a very different ending to our evening the night before. I would have walked her to her door, found some reason to hold her hand or rest my hand on her waist, and pulled her in to me for a hug. I’d imagined kissing her, but wasn’t sure if we were there yet. The last thing I wanted was to kiss Grace and then realize I wasn’t ready to kiss someone who wasn’t Olivia. I wanted to be sure.

  What I hadn’t anticipated was the way I would feel about Grace stepping in and taking care of my kids. It felt right. Easy. Comfortable.

  And the pancakes were out of this world.

  “Grace,” I said between bites, “these taste incredible.”

  She sat on the stool right next to me and rested her chin on her hand. “I just googled an easy recipe.” She gave another shrug, as if to say it was no big deal.

  “You’ve never made these before?”

  “Nope. I just saw your bananas and figured they’d be easy on Ruby’s tummy.”

  Something deep in my chest tightened with her words. Before I could change my mind I leaned forward and kissed her, my lips pressing softly just to the corner of her mouth. She tensed at first. I hoped she was just surprised by my random advance. When I felt her relax against me, I kissed her fully. My mouth lined up perfectly with hers.

  It was a soft and quick kiss, but it rocked me. After a few moments, when we both pulled away, she was still smiling when she said, “You taste like bananas and syrup.”

  We watched as Grace made her way up to her door, giving us a wave before she disappeared into it.

  I’d wanted to walk her to her door, wanted to make at least one thing about our date normal, but with Ruby and Jax in tow it wasn’t ideal. So we’d settled for a good-bye in the car, both of us staying in our own seats, but her smile and her eyes told me she was feeling the same as me; wishing I could walk her and we could get another tiny moment alone.

  I pulled out of the parking lot, trying to think if there was anything that absolutely had to be done that day. Not thinking of anything pressing, I said to the kids, “You guys wanna have a lazy pajama day at home? Pizza for dinner?”

  “Yay,” Jaxy yelled, obviously enthused with the idea.

  “I’m always down for a lazy day if pizza is involved,” Ruby agreed.

  I exhaled, relief puffing out with my breath. I hadn’t realized how tense I’d been. But hearing the kids answer with their usual easiness made something inside me relax. It had been a crazy fifteen hours, and I was glad the kids were game to relax.

  “You still feeling all right, Ruby?”

  “Yeah,” she answered quickly, giving me a small smile in the rearview mirror. That was typical Ruby. She didn’t get sick often, but when she did it was like a tidal wave. It rolled in quick, tore her apart, and then rolled out just as quickly. There had been many nights Olivia had stayed up with her, doting on her, refusing to sleep because she knew the next round of sickness was only minutes away. I’d offered to stay up with her, but she would always wave me away, insisting that only one of us needed to be sleep-deprived, that she would need me to be rested to take care of Jaxy in the morning. Olivia’s biggest transformation came with motherhood.

  It didn’t surprise me later when I came upon Ruby sleeping on the couch. She might have felt all right, but her body was still feeling the effects of her illness. Jax was outside, jumping on the trampoline I’d purchased the first spring we’d lived in this house. After their mother died, I found myself trying and doing anything to ease big transitions. New school? Brand-new bikes. New house? Big trampoline. I knew I couldn’t buy them things to ease every one of their pains, but sometimes it made me feel better too. Like, at least I could give them something, even if I could never give them their mother back.

  “Dad.” I heard Ruby’s voice right after I’d turned to head back to my bedroom. I turned around again and saw her still lying on the couch, but now her eyes were open and she was looking at me.

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “Were you on a date with Grace?”

  My stomach bottomed out at her question. I had thought, after the uneventful morning, the kids hadn’t thought much about Grace’s presence, but apparently I was wrong. The only thing I was completely sure of in that moment, was that I had no idea how to handle it.

  I walked back to the couch and lifted Ruby’s feet enough to slide under them, letting her legs rest over my lap.

  “Sometimes adults just like to spend time with other adults,” I said slowly, just trying words on to see if they fit, if Ruby would accept them.

  “That’s what Grace said, too.”

  My head tilted and my eyebrows drew together. “You spoke to Grace about it?”

  “I asked her if you guys were on a date. She said the same thing, that grown-ups just like to spend time with other grown-ups.”

  She asked Grace, too? I ran my hand over my face, trying to buy a little time.

  “I like Grace” were my next brilliant words. “I think she’s nice. What do you think?”

  Ruby shrugged. “She’s nice enough.” Her voice was low and I knew she wasn’t being completely honest with me about her feelings.

  “But…?”

  “It just surprised me that she was still here, I guess.”

  “Listen, last night I was out with Grace, but then you got sick and all my plans got rearranged really fast. I never intended to have Grace spend the night, but she wanted to help and it was either let her stay here, or take you kids to drive her home.”

  Ruby blinked at me, eyes wide and understanding.

  “In all honesty,” I said, then released a huge breath, trying to brace myself for a hard conversation. “Grace and I were on a date.”

  Ruby didn’t say anything at first, but I couldn’t help but notice that at my words her chest stopped moving. She was still for a very long moment, and then her breath came whooshing out. Her eyes filled with tears.

  Shit.

  “Ruby, honey, don’t cry.”

  “Do you love her?” she whispered, the words surrounded by cries.

  “Love her? Ruby, no. It was just one date.” I lifted her legs and scooted closer until she was forced to sit up, now fully in my lap, her head resting against my chest. “What’s wrong?”

  “My friend Zoey from school said that when her dad married her stepmom, she just, like, all of a sudden was at their house all the time. Like one day she was there and the next day they were married.”

  I rolled my eyes while still running my hand down her back, trying to soothe her. “Zoey is a liar, Ruby. We’ve talked about this before
. She was very likely exaggerating. I’m not in love with Grace, we’re not getting married tomorrow, and you’re not getting a stepmom.”

  “Not tomorrow, anyway,” she said, pointedly.

  I didn’t really know how to respond. I couldn’t promise her she’d never have a stepmother.

  “You don’t have to worry about that. I promise.”

  “Why not?” she asked, sniffling as she ran her hand across her nose the way kids did that made adults cringe.

  “Because if I ever decide to get married again, it won’t be a surprise. I won’t spring someone on you and force you to love her. You won’t have to fit with her because she’ll fit into this family like a puzzle piece. But, honestly, Grace and I are just spending time together because we like one another, not because we’re thinking about getting married.”

  Ruby was quiet for a few moments and all I could hear were the rhythmic sounds of Jaxy jumping on the trampoline.

  “If you marry someone, will I have to call her mommy?” Ruby’s voice cracked on the last word and it was almost as if someone reached into my chest and put a death grip on my heart.

  “Sweetheart,” I said, rocking her back and forth, holding her as close as I could. “No one will ever replace your mother. No one. Nobody will ever make you forget your mother, and nobody will ever make me forget my wife.”

  “Then why do you have to go on a date with someone?”

  “Because, well, it’s hard to explain.”

  “Try.”

  I had to hold in a small laugh because in that moment she sounded exactly like her mother—bossy.

  “People, adults, they’re not meant to spend their lives alone.”

  “You’re not alone,” she immediately pointed out. “You’ve got me and Jaxy. And Grandma and Grandpa.”

  “No, you’re right, I’m not alone. And being with you and Jaxy doesn’t make me feel alone. I love my life with you guys. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t miss being with someone like your mother.”

  “You mean like kissing and stuff.” Her words were not a question; she knew exactly what she meant.