Breath of Life

by Sara Marion

  “I can imagine. The last time I heard you weren’t doing so well they stuck you in a facility.”

  “Yeah.” Paxton gazed down, suddenly embarrassed.

  “No judgment here. I didn’t hold it together for a long time. I just moved out here and thought I’d visit my girl,” He said looking back. “I can’t believe it’s been over a year already.”

  She looked over at where Ella laid.

  “Hey why don’t you go visit and then we can go grab coffee or something. Catch up. It looks like you could use someone to talk to.”

  “Sounds great. I actually came out here to talk to Ella but I can come back. If I start, I don’t know when I will stop,” Paxton said quietly. She didn’t want an audience when she visited.

  “You sure kid?”

  “Yeah. I can come back,” she smiled.

  They decided to meet at Starbucks. It was newly built a few weeks. It was nestled in the 3 street development by McAlister’s. She ordered her chai latte and found a place to sit. Ryan had taken a bit longer to park so she was just waiting for him to order. The line was long as everyone was excited as it was still a new coffee place in town. She found a booth in the corner by the window. She sat down. While waiting, she got a call saying her appointment was pushed back to right after lunch. She had more time to talk to Ryan now.

  “So what’s going on?” He asked as he sat down at the table a few minutes later. “How are you and Jack?”

  “No longer together,” Paxton quickly replied before taking a sip of the warm latte.

  “What? What happened?”

  “We drifted apart after Ella passed.” Paxton felt nervous suddenly. She was waiting for him to judge her. “He wasn’t there when I needed him and he couldn’t take it. He let me lose myself and then the divorce papers came. It took me a while to sign but I did a little over a month ago.”

  “So there was no way to work things out?”

  “No, too much happened between us.”

  “I thought you two were meant to be. I mean the way Ella gushed about you two, I’m really surprised.”

  “Yeah.”

  “How’s Duke doing? I haven’t heard from him in a while.”

  “He’s good. He’s picked up the coaching position for baseball.”

  “Has he moved on yet?”

  Paxton took a longer than normal sip of her latte. She didn’t know how to answer this or what Ryan would think of it. “I want to say he has but I’m not sure. I think Ella is still in his thoughts.”

  Vague enough, she thought to herself. She saw Ryan trying to pick apart her answer.

  “I see.” That was all Ryan had to say about that.

  “Hey would you like to come over for dinner tomorrow night? I can cook. I’m sure with moving back to town, it’s been exhausting,” Paxton wanted to change the subject.

  “Sure. What time would be good and what should I bring?”

  “How about you come over about six and I will be cooking everything,” Paxton smiled.

  They fell into easy conversation. Ryan said he was going to start an art gallery here. He said Manhattan needed more options for the fine arts and he was going to display some pictures he found on Ella’s camera. He said it looked like she was studying faces for her next art project. She took random photos of her, Duke, Jack, Jenny and even some of him. He said some of them captured the light of the moment. He wasn’t sure what to call it yet but he said he was working on something. He looked through some of Ella’s old photos as well to display. Paxton asked for him to bring them to dinner tomorrow night and maybe she could help.

  The conversation stayed on the topic of the gallery. Eventually a cup of coffee turned into more of a never ending cup. Paxton found herself wanting to hear more about this business venture. He admittedly said he wasn’t sure where to get some of the funding for printing but he figured a small business loan would do. Soon enough her phone beeped reminding her of her appointment with Dr. Keeler.

  “Well, I got to get going. I have an appointment in thirty minutes.”

  “It was great seeing you and I can’t wait for dinner tomorrow night,” He said giving her a hug.

  “Yes, I’ll see you then,” she said as they started in opposite directions towards their cars.

  On the way to her appointment, Paxton thought about the gallery and about Ella. Ella hadn’t said she was working on a new project but she was curious as to what it was. Ryan had stated she captured stolen moments. He had promised to bring some tomorrow when he came over for dinner. It was nice to have someone just be there as a friend, not that Duke wasn’t there but it was different. For the first time in a long time, she didn’t feel guilty about anything and it felt good.

  TWENTY

  “How are you feeling today?” Dr. Keeler asked.

  Paxton sat there and seriously thought about it, not that she hadn’t before but she felt different today. “I’m good, I think. I mean, I feel different but so much has happened in the last couple of days.”

  “Oh, want to talk about it?”

  “I think today is the first day I didn’t wake up questioning everything going on around me.” Paxton stared at the corner of the floor. She was trying to pinpoint the feeling.

  “What changed recently?”

  “I think it’s because I ran into Ella’s uncle, Ryan. He just made me forget. You know he’s going to open a gallery with some of Ella’s work. He said she had captured a lot of pictures of the guys and me when we weren’t looking. He said she captured the essence of the moment or something like that.” She heard Dr. Keeler make a listening noise. She decided to continue, “I think for the first time I thought about the way Ella was when she was herself, not when she was on my table, not when she died.”

  “Not how she died or whose table she was on? You didn’t think about your part in it?” She interrupted.

  “No, I saw Ella and the happiness she brought. I remembered her snapping pictures, her smile, her laugh and just her,” Paxton smiled.

  “This is good. You are remembering her and not her death.”

  “Yeah I think so.” Paxton’s thoughts wandered to Duke.

  She thought about his arms wrapping around her, his kisses, his body, the look of regret on his face after showing her the picture of Jack and Kenleigh, and the silence. She hadn’t heard from him since yesterday morning.

  “Where did you just go?”

  “Huh?”

  “What were you just thinking of? You grew very silent.”

  “Oh.” Paxton tried to collect her thoughts.

  “You know whatever happens in here, stays here. You have been so good about being open lately, but I sense your hesitancy.”

  “Yeah, sorry. It’s just, just that I’m not sure what’s going on between Duke, Jack and I.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know. I mean Jack slept with Kenleigh after finding out that I slept with Duke on a drunken night and then I tried sleeping with him again but he stopped me. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I think I’m just confused with what’s going on between me and them.”

  “Let’s talk about that for a moment.”

  Paxton nodded. She waited for a question. She could see it forming on Dr. Keeler’s face.

  “Do you think you have romantic feelings for Duke or are you trying to make things up to him? Are you trying to make up for Ella?”

  Paxton sat there contemplating the question. She wondered where Dr. Keeler was going with this. She felt at times that her feelings for Duke were real, but other times, she thought about making him happy because she took Ella.

  “By your silence I am assuming not,” Dr. Keeler said.

  “I don’t know. Whatever my feelings are, people may not understand. I don’t even understand it right now.”

  “You want my personal opinion on this?” She saw Dr. Keeler put her notepad and pen down.

  “Yes.” Paxton was nervous.

  “I think you should separate yourse
lf for a while from them. You need to figure out your feelings for Duke. If you truly love him or have strong feelings, pursue them. Don’t worry about what others would think. You need to move on with your life. Don’t think about Ella and what you took away from Duke, don’t blame yourself, let yourself be happy.”

  “Easier said than done,” Paxton replied. She picked at her nails.

  “Now about Jack, do you still love him?”

  “No…yes. I don’t know. I’m so hurt that he slept with Kenleigh after coming to try to ‘win’ me back so to speak. My feelings are all over the place. When I really think about it, it all comes back to everything I took away from everyone and the need to make up for things.”

  “I see. I think that you are trying to make amends for something out of your control. This morning when you woke up, I think you finally realized everything was out of your control when Ella ended up on your table, but when you are around Duke or Jack, you see the loss. Maybe not every moment with them but you see them as symbols of loss. Then it brings you back as to how you all came to that point. It seems to me that Duke and Jack have moved on past that loss but you are stuck for some reason.”

  “I guess I just don’t understand what I did wrong? I mean, why did she have to end up on my table? What did I do that led to her being on my table and me losing my best friend?”

  “I don’t know Paxton. I really don’t but it happened. You have to accept that and move on. With the way you act it seems you are going back and forth in the grieving process. You start accepting then something happens and you are angry with the world. Then you think that she was put on your table for a reason, as if you could have saved her. I think you are angry because you couldn’t save her even though we both know how impossible it was because of her injuries.”

  “You know for a long time and even right now, I think about every move I made on that table. Every single decision I made since she got off that ambulance.”

  “And?”

  “I don’t know. The more I think about it the more I think I still would have lost her but the baby, if I knew about the baby going in.” She paused. “I just can’t stop thinking about it.”

  “Let me try spinning it this way,” Dr. Keeler paused. “Would the baby have survived if Ella didn’t? Would you have been able to save the baby even if you could have saved Ella?”

  Paxton stilled. She sat quiet for a few moments. “No, there was too much trauma to the abdomen. She lost a lot of blood. If she didn’t make it the baby would have never survived outside the womb. She was only eight weeks pregnant. If she did survive, the stress alone of recovering and multiple surgeries, it would be too hard on the baby.”

  “Even in the most capable hands, the baby and Ella wouldn’t have survived. I have a feeling that you know that deep down inside. So now, do you truly believe that you could have saved them and things would have been different now?”

  “I was concerned about getting home. For once in my career, I decided to put myself first and look what happened.” Paxton stopped picking at her nails. She stared straight at Dr. Keeler.

  “Where did you go wrong in the surgery?” Dr. Keeler’s voice was harsh.

  “I don’t know. I can’t find the moment.”

  “I think you did nothing wrong in that surgery. You did the best you could. I think her injuries were far too extensive for any surgeon to save her or the baby.”

  Paxton shook her head. “There’s always a way to save someone.”

  “At what cost?” Dr. Keeler shot back.

  Paxton opened her mouth to say something but shut it again. She knew if Ella would have made it through surgery she would not be the same. She would need multiple surgeries to repair her knee, the burns, her back was broken. It would have been a very hard road. Ella may not even be the same person when she came out. After multiple traumatic injuries and losing a baby, her friend would never be quite the same.

  “Your silence is once again answering my question. You know she wouldn’t have been able to lead the life she wanted for a while.”

  For the first time, Paxton felt like Ella’s passing was a gift to her. It was kinder she wouldn’t feel any more pain, she wouldn’t see any more darkness in her life. She looked up at Dr. Keeler, not knowing what to say.

  “Nothing you did would have changed anything.” Dr. Keeler studied her a bit more. She knew she may have finally gotten through to her. Today could quite possibly be a turning point for Paxton and her recovery.

  “I think that is enough for today,” she said after a few minutes of Paxton sitting there.

  Paxton found herself wandering to the car. She was mulling over what Dr. Keeler said. She needed to forgive herself for Ella. She needed to let the anger go that she built up inside. She remembered being so angry with God that he put Ella on her table, that he let Duke survive and the hurt that he’s been through. She hated God for taking Jack away because she couldn’t handle what he put in front of her. She turned her back on her faith and for the last year she’s been shrouded in darkness. She needed to let go of the anger. She needed to accept it and get back to the person she used to be, the one that Ella was proud of. Paxton wanted to change for Ella now. No more dumb mistakes, no more anger, no more blaming, she would move on. First she needed to go see Ella. Paxton knew step one was accepting Ella’s death and that she did everything she could to save her best friend.

  Paxton found herself at Ella’s graveside. She knelt down in the soft grass. She had done this once before telling her best friend she was ready to move on but she fell back into blaming herself and getting wrapped up in everyone else’s feelings.

  “Hey Ellie-bear. I know that last time you probably didn’t believe me when I came here stating I was moving on but today is different. I think I am finally ready to let you go, accept that you are gone from the physical world,” she paused looking at the stone.

  “Remember when we were younger and you said that you would always be there for me no matter what? I think I have been a bad friend. I pushed the thought of you away after we buried you. I wouldn’t let you be there in my heart, my memories. I was so angry. I was angry at everyone else thinking there was something that we could have done but I know that I couldn’t have saved you even if I wanted you. I was so angry with God. I know you believed He put everything in a certain place for a reason beyond us. You said He challenged us. Well I refuse to believe that. I don’t want to live in a world where a God can turn his back and let bad things happen to good people. He hasn’t been there for me over the past year. I am still angry but I am going to let it go, for you. I am not saying that I have my faith back. It will take more time for that because I still see so much hurt, sorrow and violence in this world but I’ll work on it.” She picked at the grass.

  “You know. I slept with Duke. I told you last time about it. I’m sorry Ellie. I mean, he makes me happy but whenever Jack comes into the picture, things change. I just don’t know what I am going to do and I wish you were here. Then I wouldn’t be in this situation and we would all be happy. Maybe we both would be having babies. Maybe not, but I just miss you. I miss you every day and I think I always will. After my appointment today, Dr. Keeler made me realize there was no saving you or baby Avery. I am so sorry this happened to you both but I am happy that I can spare Duke some grief. He thinks the baby was mine. He found the pregnancy tests. He assumed I got rid of the baby but I am glad to carry that burden of grieving over a lost baby for him.”

  Paxton wiped a stray tear from her eye and looked around. The cemetery was empty. She was the only visitor at the moment. She turned back to the stone.

  “I don’t want to forget you Ellie, I’m so afraid I will forget if I let you go. I don’t want to forget your laugh, your smile. I still hear your voice in my head. I don’t want to forget what you sounded like. I don’t want to forget any aspect of you and I have seen people forget these things. I don’t want to be that person. I want to remember every little thing and I know that’s impossibl
e.” She reached out and touched the stone again. It was cold even though the day was warm. “Help me Ellie-bear. Just help me understand why you had to leave me. What am I supposed to do now?”

  She sat there staring waiting as if Ella was going to answer her. “Don’t let me forget you, that’s all I ask.” She sat there for a few minutes saying nothing.

  A cloud covered the sun and Paxton looked up. She looked towards the East and saw a storm coming in. “I guess I better go before the storm comes. Just look after us. I love you Ella.”

  Paxton went back to her car and turned it on. She flipped to her favorite radio station. She looked over at Ella’s grave one more time. The song changed and Paxton gasped as she heard the opening of one of their favorite songs, Never Alone by Jesse Bonanno.

  It was the sign that Paxton thought she was silly for wishing for. She smiled.

  “Ella.” She pulled out of the cemetery and went home. She knew this was the turning point for her. She felt the anger slip away. Now it was time to move on.

  TWENTY-ONE

  Paxton was just finishing up dinner when Ryan rang the doorbell. She set the pot holders down and went to let him in. She found herself getting excited because he was bringing over some of Ella’s work. Paxton wanted to see what her friend had captured in the last few weeks of her life. She opened the door and he smiled but his arms were full of her portfolio stuff.

  “Here let me grab some of that.” She took some of the larger portfolio bags.

  She led the way back to the kitchen. They set the pictures on the table. “Food is just getting done. Good timing.” She smiled at Ryan who was setting the smaller boxes of pictures down.

  “Good, I’m starving,” he winked at her.

  “Well I hope you like what I made. I just threw some stuff together.”

  “It smells amazing whatever it is,” he said as he walked around and pulled her into a hug. “You look better by the way.”

  “I feel better. I went to see Ella again. I think I am finally ready to let her go.” She saw Ryan smile.