Eyes Turned Skyward

by Rebecca Yarros

  “Oh, Lee, you’re actually here.” She smiled. “Could you take the biscuits out?”

  “I told you I would be, Mama. We agreed, once a week.” I grabbed the nearest pot holder and took the biscuits out of the oven, careful to place them on the silver trivet she’d laid out. “Perfect as always.”

  “You flatter me. Now, grab a plate, your daddy only has fifteen minutes before they notice he’s not an hour early and the world ends.”

  “Ha.” Daddy kissed her on the cheek, his tan T-shirt almost complementary to Mama’s blue shirtdress and Army Wife apron. We’d given it to her for Christmas when I was ten, and she still wore it religiously.

  “Is Will coming?” Mama asked, setting four places at the table.

  “He said he’d be here at seven fifteen.” I took glasses down for orange juice.

  “Damn, I just might miss him,” Daddy muttered.

  “Richard! Language!” My mom swatted his backside when she thought I couldn’t see. “We are certainly not your soldiers!”

  He laughed and winked at her. “Ah, my poor little southern belles, are my Yankee manners offending you?”

  “Lack of manners.” She sighed and waved him off with a smile. “Get your plate.”

  The doorbell set the dogs barking. “Tell that boy he doesn’t need to ring the doorbell. He’s family,” Daddy ordered.

  I swung the door open, happy to see Will standing in the entry. He looked good, but I still wasn’t used to seeing him in regular uniform. “Good morning, Lee-Lee.” He bent and kissed my cheek. “How are you feeling?”

  I ignored his question and instead pressed my mouth to his gently. “I missed you yesterday.”

  He pulled me into a familiar hug. “Sorry, honey, class ran late.”

  “You wouldn’t happen to know about that polar bear in our front yard, would you?”

  With a squeeze of my shoulders, he broke our hug and headed in to breakfast. “Yeah, I might need to talk to your dad about that before I go to class.”

  “Will!” Mom exclaimed as she put the food on the table. “So good to see you.”

  “You, too, ma’am.” He held my chair, and I slid in, sitting between him and Daddy.

  “Oh, you know you can call me Mom.” She heaped food onto his plate.

  My stomach dropped slightly. Was that because he was my boyfriend? Or because he’d been Peyton’s best friend?

  “Yes, ma’am.” Will smiled with that gorgeous sparkle in his amber eyes. Maybe they weren’t crystal blue like Jagger’s— Stop! I nipped that right in the bud. It had been a week and a half since I’d been pulled out of the ocean by Mr. California…Colorado…whatever, but his face wouldn’t stop popping into my thoughts or invading the peace of my dreams.

  He’d saved my life. It made perfect sense that I thought about him. Right? Just maybe not this much. Where was he? Had he headed home to Colorado, like his license plate suggested? Was he in college? Out? What did it feel like to be kissed by a guy with a tongue ring?

  “Lee!” Mama snapped.

  I found a biscuit crushed in my left hand and heard a beeping sound coming from the kitchen. “Ma’am?”

  “Your alarm?” She pointed to the counter where my handbag rested.

  I nodded, throwing away my decimated biscuit on the way to the counter. Slipping my cell phone out of the bag, I canceled the reminder. I left the phone in my bag—Mama wouldn’t stand for it at the table—and took my seat again.

  “Aren’t you forgetting something?” She raised an eyebrow.

  “I’ll take them right after I eat. They make me sick on an empty stomach.” I grabbed another biscuit, breaking it in half before placing it on my plate.

  “I think you should—”

  “Honey, maybe you could just grab them—”

  “Magnolia. Will. Give her a break. She’ll take them after she eats.” Daddy’s voice stopped them midcomplaint, and I smiled my thanks at him. He nodded but didn’t look happy as he went back to his breakfast.

  My mouth watered as I reached for the gravy.

  “Oh, Lee, I made you a fruit salad instead.” Mama handed the crystal bowl across the table.

  I scooped the fruit onto my plate, still eyeing the gravy. “Thank you.”

  “Have you told Dr. Larondy our decision yet?” she asked, staring at my plate and counting every calorie I wasn’t allowed to work off.

  I froze midchew, and Will squeezed my knee under the table, sending silent support. I just never knew for whom. Swallowing slowly, I thought through my response.

  “I haven’t—”

  “Lee, you can’t put this off.” Her voice rose.

  “—because I haven’t made my decision yet.”

  Well, if that didn’t hush her right up. Her fork rattled on the breakfast china. “We decided that the procedure—”

  “You decided, Mama,” I rebuked, keeping my voice as low and respectful as I could. “I haven’t had symptoms since we started the beta-blockers, and while I respect your choice and your wishes—”

  “But you don’t, not really.” Oh, here we go. “You couldn’t possibly respect us, love us, if you’re willing to risk your life like this. Every day you wait is too long. To even think of putting your father and I through this again is just unforgivable, Lee. This is your life we’re talking about!”

  “Magnolia, enough.” Daddy’s voice was soft but stern. “We don’t have these breakfasts so you can bully her.”

  I swallowed my response, knowing Mama spoke from grief and fear. Maybe she was right, and I was selfish, wanting to make this decision myself, when it affected so much more than me.

  I wasn’t just trapped by my condition, the thickening of my heart muscle. HCM might limit me, but the cage I lived in was fortified by my parents’ expectations, locked by their grief over Peyton, and gilded by my own need to lessen their pain by whatever degree possible.

  The right thing would be to agree with them, accept the half life the internal pacemaker sentenced me to, and make everyone happy. Even Will wanted it, though he said he’d support whatever decision I made.

  But the right thing felt unbearably wrong. My instincts screamed at me every time I even considered the pacemaker. It wasn’t going to save me, and I couldn’t explain how I knew, but I did. I was sick of this. Don’t run. Don’t eat fatty foods. Don’t drink. Don’t forget your meds. Don’t upset your mama, and for God’s sake, don’t raise your heartbeat. Don’t…live, just exist.

  The need to flee gripped me, but I stayed put. I had my own place now, with their blessing, and even had one class up at Troy. One helping of guilt for breakfast a week was manageable. I squeezed Will’s fingers, and he took the cue.

  “The gravy is fantastic this morning, ma’am.”

  Mama forced a smile and accepted his compliment. I took a couple deep breaths and concentrated on chewing.

  “How are classes, my gal?” Daddy asked.

  “Good. I love this semester, especially the class at Troy. I think next semester I’ll be okay for the rest of the classes I need to take there.”

  His brow furrowed. “I like it better when you can take the classes here on post.”

  Activate appeasement mode. “I know, Daddy, but they don’t offer all the classes I need down here. It’s only a forty-five-minute drive. I don’t mind.” The commute was a small price to pay to pretend my life was normal once a week. It was a battle I was willing to pick.

  “Well, I mind,” he muttered, eating his food so fast I’d swear he was being timed.

  An uncomfortable silence settled over the table. I couldn’t think of a thing to say that wouldn’t end badly, so I stayed quiet.

  “Will, tell us how your first week went?” Mama asked.

  Will slid his hand from my knee like she could see him under the table. “Well, ma’am, it’s not West Point, but it’s nice to have some freedom.” He flashed that grin, the one that had hooked me, and a smile spread across my face as he turned to me. “Plus, the company is much b
etter. It’s nice to be close to Lee.”

  Mama rested her hand on her chest and sighed. “It’s lovely to see you two together in person, instead of on the computer. Two peas in a pod.”

  Will brushed a kiss across my knuckles. “Couldn’t agree more.”

  “Have you given any thought to which aircraft you’re going to select?” Daddy asked.

  “Yes, sir. I’d like to fly the AH-64.”

  Daddy’s eyes lit up, and he raised his eyebrows. “Ah, the Apache. Good choice. You’ll have to rank at the top of the OML after primary to select that.”

  “Order of Merit list,” Will explained as Daddy stood.

  “Will’s going to have to finish this phase of flight school at the very top of his class if he wants to fly that helicopter, Paisley. There are only a few of those slots per class.”

  I nudged Will with my elbow like we were back in high school. “I’m not worried.”

  “How do you like the other lieutenants in your class? Are there many of you?” Daddy carried his plate to the sink.

  “Five lieutenants and twenty warrant officers.” Color crept up his neck, and he flexed his jaw. “But it should only be four lieutenants.”

  “What’s wrong?” I asked. It took a lot to get under Will’s skin.

  “Nothing you need to worry about, Lee-Lee.” He winked, and I swallowed the urge to tell him again how much I hated when he called me that. Lee-Lee was twelve, gangly, and awkward. I hoped that was no longer the case.

  “Okay.” I forced out a half smile.

  “So about that PT belt–wrapped polar bear?” Daddy asked, zipping his ACU top.

  “Yes, sir. I think I need to tell you about that.”

  He knows who did it? Daddy’s hands flexed on the counter. “What do you know, Will?”

  “It may have been a class prank gone a little too far.” Oh, yes, his cheeks flushed—his tell.

  “Your class?” Daddy’s voice dropped softly, dangerously. Daddy didn’t yell when he was super mad. Oh, no, he didn’t need to.

  “Yes, sir.”

  My eyes flickered between Will and Daddy, and my heart picked up a faster beat. “Will, did you put that thing in the front yard?” I couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out any more than I could quiet the half of me screaming in hope that he had, that he could break even one rule.

  He tore his eyes from my father, meeting mine. “No.” He cupped my face with his hands. “I did not do this.” He looked to Daddy. “But I know who did.”

  My stomach turned.

  Daddy nodded. “I think we’d best continue this discussion away from the ladies. My office seems more appropriate.”

  “Yes, sir.” Will cleared his plate and took my empty one to the sink. I hurried from the table, standing behind him as he loaded it into the dishwasher.

  “You know who did it?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you’re going to tell on your classmate?” It hardly seemed like the loyal thing to do.

  “A cadet will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do.” His jaw did the immovable thing that signaled his mind was made up.

  “You’re not at the academy anymore, Will. Are you sure you want to do this? You’re in flight school with these guys for the next couple of years. Aren’t you supposed to look out for one another?”

  “You think I want guys like this in with me? Being active duty doesn’t change that it was wrong. I tried to stop them, but Bateman wouldn’t listen. That’s a piece of Fort Rucker history that they defaced.”

  It’s a bear.

  “No one got hurt, and nothing is damaged. It was a harmless prank. Do you know what Daddy will do? You could get them kicked out over a silly polar bear with a few too many PT belts wrapped around it, not to mention they’ll all know you told.”

  “William?” Daddy called.

  Will’s spine straightened like Daddy had pulled an invisible string. “I can’t expect you to understand, Lee-Lee.” He bent down, his lips brushing my cheek. “You’d better get to class. I don’t know how long this will take with your dad.”

  “Remember I have work later. Can I see you tonight?” I needed him to banish the memory of a pair of blue eyes that wouldn’t go away. I also needed to resubmit the paperwork to have minor construction work done at the library. Class, work, then Will. Best plan ever.

  He grimaced. “I know you told me last week, but I still hate you working. What if it’s too much?”

  “It’s seriously the most heart-happy job I could ask for. Now, tonight?”

  “I’ll do my best.” His grin stole away my annoyance of what he was getting ready to do, and I returned the kiss he gifted me, knowing it wouldn’t go any farther with Mama ten feet away. He left me standing in the kitchen.

  “That’s the kind of man a woman can be proud of, Lee.” Mama rinsed her own plate. “You’re lucky to have him. Not everyone puts such value on morals.”

  I received her message—leave it alone. “I’m headed to class, Mama. Thank you for breakfast. I’ll see you next week?”

  Her mouth pursed. “A whole week?”

  “We agreed I’d stay here for school and rent that townhouse, but you have to give me a little wiggle room. I’m almost twenty-one.” I kept my voice level. Emotions would only earn me a raised eyebrow and a lecture that I wasn’t ready to be an adult.

  Her gaze flickered to the framed family picture behind me, like it always did when she thought about her. “A week it is.”

  I hugged her, letting go after one of her signature pats on my back. “I love you, Mama.”

  Handbag over my arm, I stopped to brush my fingers over the framed picture in the entryway. Peyton stood in the middle, her pixie face radiant with excitement, dressed identically to Will, on her left, in their gray West Point uniforms, while I hugged her right. Her arms connected us, hopefully approving of what we’d evolved into.

  “What would you do, Peyton?” I whispered. “Two hundred twenty days left. What would you have done?”

  I missed her so much. A black hole blossomed in my heart, sucking out every breath I’d taken since she’d died, as if I was watching them lay her in the ground. She would’ve known what to do, but she hadn’t needed to make a decision. She’d been free, wild, uninhibited, and paid with her life before she’d even realized there’d been a price. A wretched pang of envy stabbed through me, washed back by the sinking feeling of guilt. She was gone. I was here. I took a couple of deep breaths, pushing the grief where it belonged, in the past.

  I almost made it out, but Mama’s voice followed me through the front doorway. “Lee! You take your medication right now!”

  “Yes, Mama.”

  Chapter Four

  Jagger

  You’re drowning me, holding me under the rising tide of your impossible expectations.

  Every curse word I’d ever heard came to mind as the instructors jumped ship. Literally. My heart pounded in my ears, and I had the split-second desire to bail with them. Fuck that. This was my dream, and had been since I’d seen rotors against a blue sky thirteen years ago. I could do this.

  Dunker training was a heaping slice of hell.

  The pistons released, and the mock helo sank. Water soaked my boots, rushed past my knees, into my lap, and then up my chest. Wait. Wait. Not yet.

  The pool water hit my collarbone, and I sucked in all the air my lungs could hold. I gripped the seat, my fingers digging in as the water rose over my nose and head. Then they tilted my world on its axis and pitched the aircraft to the right, spinning me upside down. Water forced its way into my nose. This shit sucked.

  We stopped moving—it was go time. I fought the panic threatening to force out all my air and concentrated on the harness. My fingers slipped. Double shit. Calm down.

  A few concentrated movements and the harness came free. I was out of the seat. Hand over hand, I righted myself, made my way to the window, and popped the seal. My lungs screamed, and I released a small amount of air, relieving the
pressure. I pulled myself through the window, making sure I cleared the gigantic helmet. I pushed off the outside of the aircraft and kicked my way to the surface, streaming air from my nose.

  At least this time it was only my life at stake and not hers.

  I burst through the surface of the water, welcoming the rush of oxygen into my deprived lungs. I’d made it.

  “Bateman! That was not the proper hand technique!” the instructor yelled.

  I swam to the edge of the pool and hoisted myself up, sitting on the edge. “Well, sir,” I answered as I unclasped my waterlogged helmet, “since we’re sitting here having this conversation, I’m not dead, so I’d have to say the outcome was satisfactory despite me not using your approved hand technique.”

  I made it out alive, assface. Josh sat farther down the pool ledge, shaking his head at me like we were on the ice and I’d landed in the penalty box again. What? I’d held my fucking temper.

  “That kind of attitude can get you killed in a hard-water landing.”

  My mouth opened, ready to overrun my brain. “Right, and—”

  “Jagger Bateman?” a captain called from poolside.

  “Sir?”

  The steel sheen to his eyes said this was anything but a friendly visit. “Major Davidson would like to see you in his office.”

  I nodded. “We’re done here in thirty.”

  He shook his head. “Get dried off, you’re done. He wants you now.”

  I waited, cover in my lap, outside Major Davidson’s office. There was only one reason he’d call for me, a butter-bar lieutenant who’d been in class less than two weeks. He knew. He had to.

  The asshole had a long reach. I ran through the possible outcomes in my head. What they’d ask for. What I’d agree to. The inevitable phone call that might keep the shit hole of my family life at bay.

  I just wanted to fly. That’s it. I couldn’t remember wanting anything else. How could I? But one phone call from my father, and it would all end, or even worse—he’d taint it with his help. I’d gotten here on my own merit, lucky enough to do it with my best friend, and I wasn’t letting him take this from me.