Eyes Turned Skyward

by Rebecca Yarros

  “Bateman, don’t do it. That one will sink your career,” Masters called from the dunk tank. Paisley Donovan. If my career was the only thing she sank, I’d be a lucky man.

  Chapter Twelve

  Paisley

  3. Save someone’s life.

  “You told on him!” I paid no mind that we stood in Mama’s living room and didn’t bother to keep my voice down. “You almost ended his career over a statue! Was it worth it to you?”

  “It’s not just a statue, and it didn’t really matter before you knew who it was.”

  “Oh, now, that’s not the truth.” My inner five-year-old reared her head. “Jagger is a really good guy, and you could have ruined him. You would have ruined him if I hadn’t stepped in.”

  “I did my duty.”

  “You purposely sold out the members of your class!” It flew out of my mouth too fast to stop.

  A stricken look passed over his face. God, why did I say it? Was he right? Was I only upset now because it was Jagger? What did that even mean? “Will, I’m—”

  “What he did was wrong, and he doesn’t belong here, Peyton!”

  I sucked in air reflexively, and it rushed out just as quickly. He’d popped my heart like a balloon, and her name was the dart. “Paisley,” I whispered.

  “What?” he snapped.

  “Paisley. I’m Paisley, not Peyton. I will never be Peyton.” Pain walked in and sat on my chest. Heck, it never really left completely. Oh, no, that pain, and the missing her—it hovered right outside the doors to my heart, waiting to crush me with the first memory to surface, even two years later.

  “Oh, Christ.” He reached for me, but I dodged his hands. “I’m so sorry, Lee. I was thinking about her, how she would have…understood.”

  I backed away until my shoulder blades touched the fireplace mantel. “Oh, no. You don’t get to use Peyton like that. Not ever.” His eyes flickered to my left, where her picture sat framed.

  “Peyton would have understood this. She would have been right by my side, talking to your father.”

  An unflattering heat bloomed in my stomach, pushing up my throat, hot and lethal. He was wrong. Peyton’s impetuous nature would have kept up with Jagger. In ways I never can. “No, Peyton would have been right there with Jagger, figuring out how to get the bear upright on the lawn! She may have been your best friend, but she was my sister. Don’t you dare act like you knew her better than I did.” I shook my head and threw my hands up. “She wouldn’t recognize who you’ve become. Where’s the boy who left for West Point with her? The one with the thick southern accent that disappeared while he was in New York? He’d have been out there, too, strapping on the last PT belt. He’d have been friends with Jagger.”

  His shoulders dropped, and his voice softened. “I may have lost my accent, Lee, but I didn’t lose my honor, which Bateman has none of.”

  “His honor had him dive off a pier to save my life, Will. Give the guy a chance. Not everyone goes to West Point.” Or changes like you have.

  “What he did was wrong.” His voice was low, hard as concrete.

  “The world isn’t always as black-and-white as you see it. Jagger pulled a prank. The class prank, if I’m not mistaken, which you are a part of, right? You chose not to participate, which I get, but sinking your classmates?” Same class. But if they were in the same class, then why…? Ice ran through my veins.

  “Someone has to set the example.”

  “Jagger was at SERE with you these last three weeks.”

  His forehead puckered. “Yes?”

  “But you…you said you weren’t back until yesterday. Jagger came by the library on Thursday.”

  He paled. “I was…I was home Wednesday night.”

  I waited for pain to streak though me, but all I felt was annoyance. “I’m sorry?”

  “I was home, but I had a ton of work to get done, so I told you Friday so I could get it done and spend all my time with you this weekend. You know how important flight school is to me, Lee.”

  “So you lied. Honor and all?”

  His face crumpled. “God, Lee. I’m so sorry. I didn’t think of it like that, I swear. I just didn’t want you to come over and see me with my face in a study guide. You deserve 100 percent of my attention, and so I didn’t tell you until I could give it to you. I promise that’s all it was.”

  My eyes flicked to his fingers, which always rubbed together when he was lying. They were still. “Well, it hurts. I know we don’t have this passionate, insane relationship or anything, but you could have at least wanted to see me.” No burning.

  “I did, I swear. But I didn’t want to half-ass my time with you. I won’t make the same mistake again.”

  I locked my right arm to my side, protecting my tender skin as he pulled me into the familiar spot against his chest. With Will, it would always come to this; our friendship meant forgiveness. “Okay. Just remember this moment when you’re snapping to judgment on someone else.”

  “Bateman.”

  “He saved my life, and he’s…” I swallowed. “He’s my friend. Can’t you please cut him a little slack?”

  He cupped my face in his hands and brushed a kiss softly across my lips before shaking his head. “I love you, Lee, but you’re too damn trusting. I’ll teach you to swim if you want, but please stay away from Bateman. There are two of us in this relationship, not three. This isn’t an ultimatum, but I’m asking you not to let him come between us.”

  I wanted to refuse, to draw my line in the sand just to make me bigger in his eyes, but that wasn’t a relationship. He’d asked something I was capable of giving, which meant I needed to be mature enough to give it to him. “I won’t swim with him anymore.”

  “Okay.”

  I hadn’t lied, but I hadn’t exactly told the truth, either. I looked at the picture of Peyton’s impish grin on the mantel.

  “Thank you, Lee.”

  Lee. I closed my eyes and inhaled the scent of hundreds of summer days, and Will…and home. When I opened my eyes, she was still there, perpetually smiling.

  He followed my line of sight. “God, I miss her, too. She really was the best of us.”

  Usually that declaration made me feel closer to him, acknowledging our shared grief. But today it shriveled a tiny piece of my heart.

  Will was wrong. There were already more than two of us in this relationship, and I was the third wheel.

  Boom! One of the players slammed into the glass walls around the ice, and I jumped. Jagger did this for fun? He hadn’t responded to my texts, and when I’d gone by the house, Masters told me he was here in Montgomery, playing hockey.

  I claimed a seat on the almost empty bleachers and yelped. The bench nearly froze off my girly bits. Maybe a skirt hadn’t been the way to go, but I hadn’t changed after Sunday services, just jumped into the car. My impetuousness was about to earn me frostbite.

  I needed to sort out what had happened yesterday, but I also wanted to see him, which was utterly wrong now that I knew who he was and how much Will despised him. What if he didn’t want to see me? What if our friendship, as new as it was, had been squashed by simply knowing how our lives intertwined?

  Which one was Jagger, anyway? They looked the same under all that gear.

  “I have an extra hoodie, if you’d like it.” A girl my age sat down next to me, a black zip-up hoodie in her hand. Her auburn hair was piled in a twist, and the smile she offered reflected in her blue eyes. She was beautiful without being overly made-up, which made me instantly lean toward liking her.

  “I usually wouldn’t put a stranger out, but I’m freezing,” I answered, taking the hoodie. “Thank you so much.” I slipped my arms through the sleeves and zipped it up, still trying to figure out which of the giants was Jagger. They all moved so fast, like their skates were extensions of their feet.

  “No problem. I’m used to the cold.” She sipped her Starbucks and turned her attention to the rink. “Who are you here to watch?”

  “I’m n
ot sure which one he is,” I admitted as a fight broke out. “Oh, sweet mer—” One of the players shoved the other into the wall so hard his skates came out from underneath him and he collapsed, shaking his head. There was something about the way the aggressor tilted his head…

  “Bateman! Two minutes for unnecessary roughness!” the ref called out. I couldn’t help but smile as Jagger lifted his hands in the air in obvious question of the call.

  “I can see his temper has improved,” the girl said, her northern accent thick with sarcasm.

  “He’s something else,” I drawled slowly, immediately wondering how she knew Jagger. My eyes locked on his gear-clad frame, noting the B on the back of his helmet as he grabbed his water on the way to the penalty box, then ripped off his helmet as he sat down.

  “Wait!” the girl exclaimed. “You’re here for Jagger?”

  As if he’d heard his name spoken, he looked up, his mouth dropping open as his gaze met mine. I smiled through my nervousness and gave him a small wave. “Yes, I suppose I am,” I answered without taking my eyes off him. Was he happy to see me? I sure couldn’t tell.

  “Oh, shit,” the girl exclaimed, grabbing my hand. “Blond hair, green eyes, and a sweet little southern accent. You’re Paisley.”

  Okay, that got my attention. “How did you—”

  Her grin was infectious. “I’m Ember, Josh’s girlfriend.”

  My forehead puckered, trying to remember which one was Josh. “Walker? The one who lives with Jagger?”

  “That’s him.” She pointed out the guy shaking his head at Jagger as he skated past the penalty box. “He’s my world.” Her eyes swept over me in a kind but obvious appraisal. “You’re exactly as Jagger described you.”

  “He talks about me?” Oh, mercy, I had regressed to high school. “We’re just friends,” I quickly added, so she didn’t get the wrong impression. Not that driving all the way here would give her the right one.

  “Right,” she answered. “Well, he needs more friends, so I immediately approve.”

  The timer hit zero, and Jagger flew from the penalty box, heading straight for the player closest to the goal faster than anything I’d ever seen. He danced around his opponent, stole the puck right from his stick, and charged toward the other goal, speeding around the players coming at him. As if they read each other’s minds, he fired the puck to Walker, who easily scored. “Whoa.”

  “Yeah, it’s always like that when they’re out there together.” Ember smiled and lifted her cup in Walker’s direction. “Good job, babe!”

  Jagger didn’t spare me a glance; he was too focused on the game. By the end of it, he hadn’t looked my direction again, and my level of nervousness hit DEFCON three.

  “Come on, let’s go wait for them,” Ember led me to the concession area and stretched. “Good thing I don’t have class tomorrow. I actually get to spend some time with Josh.”

  “You go to Troy, too?”

  “I’m at Vanderbilt. Josh and I make the best of what time we get. It’s never enough, but we adapt.”

  “I did that with my boyfriend for a while,” I admitted. “He was finishing college the first nine months of our relationship. It’s nice to finally be around each other.” My voice trailed off. Was it?

  “Hard to readjust?” she asked.

  I forced a closed-lip smile. “We were never really together. I mean, we were friends, but our relationship started long-distance, so we’re finding our way around each other now.” I stared at the doors that led to the locker room. “Sometimes I think it was easier when we were apart, like the idea of me was easier to love than the actual…” Wait. Was I really saying this to a stranger? “Oh…I am so sorry. I do love him. I don’t know why I’d even say that. I must look like a loon.” I closed my eyes in utter mortification.

  “It makes more sense than you know.” She sipped her coffee again, her eyes kind and unjudging. “How did you meet him?”

  I liked that she didn’t dwell on my outburst. “He was my sister’s best friend.”

  “Was?” She waited a few heartbeats. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I promise I’m not the inquisition or anything.”

  The first of the players came out of the locker room, but not either of the ones we were looking for. “I have a little bit of baggage.”

  “Me, too. Dead dad. You?” Her tone was matter-of-fact.

  “Dead sister and a broken heart,” I answered, just as deadpan.

  She nodded her head. I liked that we didn’t offer each other condolences, the words we’d probably both heard so much that they didn’t even sound like words anymore. I saw Jagger through the glass and stood as he pushed the door open.

  My heartbeat sped up, and Ember leaned over to squeeze my hand gently. “He’s really good at unpacking, Paisley. You just have to give him a chance.”

  “It was really nice to meet you, Ember.” I squeezed, too, and let go. Three heartbeats later he stood in front of me, his hair still wet from the shower.

  “Hey.” His voice sent a ripple through me.

  “Hey.”

  “Well, as awkward as this whole situation looks, I think I’d like to get home.” Josh tossed Ember over his shoulder. Her squeal of protest and delight echoed off the brick walls. “You good, man?”

  Jagger waved him off. “I’ll take my time.”

  Josh smiled. “Appreciate it!”

  “Joshua Walker!” Ember’s voice faded as they left.

  We stood there, staring at each other in a game of nonverbal chicken. His eyes trapped my breath in my chest until I gave in. “I can’t do our lessons anymore.”

  One of his eyebrows rose. “And you drove all the way to Montgomery to tell me that?”

  “You haven’t returned a text or a phone call.”

  He stared at me, peeling back my soul layer by layer until I had to break eye contact. “Are you mad at me?” I asked. He was silent, and it took forever for me to drag my eyes over his chest, fixating on his Led Zeppelin T-shirt and the muscles it clung to.

  “Are you mad at me?” he countered.

  “I asked you first.” I looked up at him.

  “Are we in kindergarten?” His grin broke the tension.

  “I didn’t lie, I promise. Or at least, I didn’t mean to. I just don’t like talking about my father.”

  “I understand.” The sudden, solemn set of his mouth said maybe he really did. “I should have told you I’m in flight school.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? It’s not something to be ashamed of.”

  He looked away. “There are very few things I’m scared of. But the big one? That’s failure.”

  “But you’re not failing, are you? Will says you’re neck and neck with him for top of the OML. A pain in his rear end, but smart.” Actually, Will had a healthy dose of jealousy over Jagger, but it would be the ultimate betrayal to let that secret slip.

  He sucked in his breath through his teeth. “I know this sucks, but can we agree not to talk about Will?”

  I cringed but understood. We both liked the little bubble we had here. “I think we can do that. But you’re not failing.”

  “Not yet.” He nodded toward the door. “I’ll walk you out.” He rolled his gear behind him and held the door open for me. I tried not to touch him, but he nearly filled the doorway. My skin tingled at every inch we’d made contact.

  “What does that mean?” My narrowed gaze locked onto his profile as we walked toward the parking lot. Why was he so hard to get answers out of? “Why do you say that you haven’t failed yet?”

  “I almost got kicked out over that damned bear. Then again when your dad realized I hadn’t been kicked out. I fuck stuff up, Paisley. I let people down. I walk out. I didn’t tell you because then you’d know when I failed. It’s what I do.”

  My hand covered his on my door handle. “You’re not going to fail. I don’t think you have it in you.”

  He leaned down to where our noses nearly met. My heart thundered, and
my lips parted without thought. “I hate to break this to you, but disappointing people is my specialty.”

  I didn’t back away, or down, like he was daring me to. “You’ve never disappointed me.”

  His jaw locked. “Honesty, right? That’s our deal?”

  I nodded, despite my hesitation. “Honesty.”

  “My disappointing you is inevitable. It’s only a matter of how far I fall down the fuckup trail, and whether or not you give me another chance. Look at where we are. You can’t even swim with me because your boyfriend hates me, and that’s just the beginning. I fuck things up.”

  My thumb stroked over his hand absently, like it wasn’t my decision. I chose my words carefully. “I preemptively forgive you for whatever it is you think you’ll fail me at. That’s what friends do, Jagger. They forgive each other when they make mistakes.” The intense heat in his eyes stilled the breath in my chest, and in that moment every future I could imagine seemed open, possible, even though I knew better. “In fact, I brought you something.”

  I opened the door and pulled the small box from the driver’s door, handing it to him. His brow puckered, and mercy, it was cute, boyish. “Your first flight is this week, right?”

  “Yeah, our first flight with our instructor pilots.” He opened it and took out the shiny nickel I’d placed in there last night. “Paisley—”

  “They call that your nickel flight,” I explained, cutting off anything he was going to say, mostly because I wasn’t sure how to handle it—how to handle him. “You’re supposed to give your IP a nickel for your first ride, and it’s extra luck if it’s your birth year.”

  He examined it closely, his eyes lighting up when he saw that I’d correctly guessed his birth year. “How did you know?”

  “I didn’t, just a guess. I have two other nickels in the car in case I was wrong.”

  He wrapped his arms around me, our bodies flush, and kissed the top of my forehead slowly. Chills morphed into flames as they raced down my spine, and I sinfully imagined what those lips might feel like on mine. “Thank you,” he whispered against my skin. My arms wound around his back, and I ignored the dips and curves of his muscles as best I could. Which was not at all; they consumed every thought. I let myself sink into the feel of him for a moment.