by Amy DeMeritt
My jaw falls open and I blush beet red, but I can’t get myself to say anything. Awenasa pulls my face back around to look at her and she laughs a little before kissing my lips.
“I think that’s the best totem dance we’ve ever done. You are humming with energy, my love.”
I smile really big, squeeze her closer, and lift her off the ground to spin her around. When I put her down, I kiss her lips and cheeks and bend into her neck to kiss her below her ear. Awenasa gasps a little as my lips press against her neck and she pulls my face back.
“I love you, puppy.”
“I love you too. I’ve been going crazy waiting to see you. I haven’t been able to sit still.” She smiles and looks me up and down. “I see that. Your abs look like they’ve been hewn from stone. Have you been driving the girls crazy with your obsessive workouts?” I laugh a little and blush as I look over at my girls. They’re watching us with small smiles, but look a little awkward, as if they feel out of place. “Did I drive all of you crazy?” They smile wider and shake their heads. “You wore us out by watching you.”
Awenasa laughs a little and kisses my lips for a moment before releasing her arms around me and taking one of my hands to walk us over to stand in front of my babies. Awenasa releases my hand and leans in to hug Sam first.
“It’s nice to see you smiling at me instead of glaring at me like the last time we saw each other in person.” Sam releases a cute shy laugh and blushes. “Sorry. I thought you were trying to take Kayla from me were messing with me just to annoy me. I didn’t realize I was actually the other woman.” Awenasa smiles and shakes her head. “You were another woman, but never the ‘other-woman’.”
Sam smiles and blushes a deep red. Awenasa moves over to Shannon and wraps her arms around her for a moment and then hugs Madison.
“It’s nice to finally meet you both in person. I’m sorry for not having better manners to greet you when you first arrived.” They smile as they shake their heads, and Madison says, “We understand. Its ok, really. That dance was amazing and beautiful. Did you two create that together?”
“We did. We’ve built on it throughout the years, but we first came up with our totem dance when we were nine, after we discovered what our totems are.”
“How did you know what your totems are?”
Before Awenasa can answer Sam, my mom comes over struggling with a huge basket full of ears of corn.
“Girls, can you do me a favor and shuck all of this corn?” Awenasa and I quickly take the basket from her and she smiles really big seeing us together. “Sure, Mom. I just need to wash my hands first.”
“Thank you.” She just keeps looking at us smiling. I laugh a little and we set the basket down so I can hug my mom. She holds me close and kisses my forehead a few times. “I missed you, sweet angel.”
“I missed you too, Mom.”
She kisses my forehead again and then she moves to hug my girls. After she’s hugged all of us, she smiles really big and her eyes tear up a little bit before she turns to walk back inside the house.
“Kayla, help me carry this under that tree and then we’ll wash our hands.”
I grab the other leather handle of the large wicker basket and Awenasa and I carry the very heavy basket of corn under the shade of a tree near the house. We then go as a group to wash our hands at a portable camp sink my dad set up outside that’s hooked up to the outside spigot we usually have a hose hooked up to. My dad bought this sink and counter years ago for when we have these big family gatherings because so much of the family stays out in tipis and tents and there’s a lot of food preparation that takes place outside to eliminate too much traffic going in and out of the house.
After we finish washing our hands, we turn to start walking back to the tree and Joey and two of our cousins his age tackles me while releasing loud and wild war cries. I laugh and let them wrestle me to the ground.
Joey screams, “We caught the wolf!” and then howls. I wrap my arms around them, squeezing them tightly, and snarl viciously, making all of them shriek and squirm, trying to get away from me. I roll over, pinning them under me. I snarl and bite at them, making them scream and they try to fight me off.
Joey screams, “Awenasa, help us! The wolf is trying to eat us! Help!”
I laugh hard and playfully bite his arm, making him scream again. I snarl again and then release them. As they take off running, I sit back on my heels and laugh. A hand gently runs over the top of my head and then takes my chin and lifts my head up. Seeing Awenasa smiling down at me with so much happiness makes me giddy. I tilt my head back and howl really loud before I wrap my arms around her waist and lift her up high in the air as I stand up. She laughs and grabs my shoulders to steady herself as I spin us around. As I set her down, I kiss her firmly on the lips.
Joey and our cousins run by again and bump into me, snickering and looking over their shoulders at me. I laugh and run after them, but Jasper runs at me giggling, getting in my path. I scoop him up in my arms and toss him on my shoulders and continue my chase after Joey. I howl and Jasper howls with me. It makes me laugh, so I do it again. While we chase Joey, more kids get in on the chase and we’re all running around the yard like a pack of wolves, howling and releasing war cries.
Joey suddenly turns to face me baring his teeth at me and holding up his hands like claws and gives me his best snarling growl. I smile and hunch over some, but careful not to send Jasper falling forward off of my shoulders, and give him my best snarling growl, making him and the other kids back up in fear. Jasper laughs and snarls with me.
Joey throws a hand up in the air, screams, “attack!”, releases a war cry, and all of the children, at least a dozen of them, tackle me. I have them wrapped around my legs and trying to climb up me. I carefully lower Jasper off my shoulders so he won’t get hurt and they overwhelm me and get me on my back with them piling on top of me like a football tackle.
I wait till they stop moving and then snarl viciously, making some laugh, and some shriek. I snarl and growl again and several jump off of me and take off running. I start to snarl and wrestle with the rest of them and all of them squirm and try to get away from me. Once they’re all off of me, I face off with Joey and the few brave older children still circling me, as if they are considering trying to attack me again. Just as I’m about to lunge for Joey, a hand grips the back of my neck and Joey giggles. I look up and smile really big.
In her sweet voice, Awenasa coos out a command in Cherokee. I smile and sit back on my heels and look up at her with a pouty look.
“Is this mean old nasty wolf taunting all of you?” The children laugh and scream, “yes”. Awenasa grins at me and pets my head. “That’s not very nice to scare little children, Wolf. I think you need a time out.” I whimper and pout and she giggles as all of the children call for me to have time out. Awenasa grips my neck and lifts me up. “Come on you, naughty wolf. Leave these children to their games.”
I stand up and Awenasa leaves her hand on my neck and gently caresses it as we walk back across the lawn to where my girls are waiting and watching with amused smiles. When we reach them, I hang my head and pout and they laugh at me. Madison steps forward and gives me a kiss on the lips.
“You are so adorable with the kids. I’ve never seen you so excited and silly before.” I laugh and squeeze her closer. “I love children.” Madison smiles and kisses my lips. “I know.”
“When are you having babies for me?” Madison laughs hard and blushes. “Can I finish college first?” I shrug my shoulders and laugh a little. “Fine, I guess that’s the responsible thing to do.”
“Come on, we have corn to clean and you have a story to tell us.” I look at her confused and she smiles. “How you discovered what your animal totem is.”
I smile really big and allow them to pull me under the shade of the tree to shuck corn. I sit down close to Awenasa and my girls sit around us in a circle with the basket in the center of all of us.
“Awenasa should tell the
story. She tells it better.”
She smiles and kisses my cheek before grabbing an ear of corn. While she starts pulling the husk and silk hairs from it, she starts and I can tell my girls are loving being in her presence and having her talk with them like this.
“Most people do not discover their spirit animals in dramatic ways, but Kayla and I did. We were nine years old and Kayla was visiting the reservation. My grandmother sent us out into the woods every day to meditate on our spirit animals. On the third day, it was really hot and sticky. We found a cool spring tucked between two rock cliffs and decided to go for a swim to cool off.”
“You stripped down in the woods?” Awenasa laughs and nods. “We were only nine, but yes, we went skinny dipping in the woods. While we sat under the gentle flow of the water coming off the rocks, we tried to meditate as my grandmother instructed us. We didn’t get out till our fingers and toes were little prunes. While we were getting dressed, I spotted a hawk in a tree nearby. Kayla couldn’t see it in the leaves, but I saw it. I lifted my arm, beckoning it to land. It immediately swooped down and landed on my forearm. It was a beautiful hawk with glittering silver streaks in its feathers. It stared in my eyes for a moment, and then it took off.
“When we were walking back through the woods to go back home, we heard something in the woods following us. Kayla immediately went into defensive mode. I don’t know how she thought to do this, because we were only nine, but she picked up a large rock and smashed it against another one a couple times, breaking the stone into a large stone knife. She had her knees bent and arms spread, standing in front of me to protect me from whatever was coming after us. We heard a deep growl come from behind a tree and a wolf’s face peeked out from the bushes. Instead of freezing or turning to run, Kayla leapt at the wolf with a war cry. The wolf just causally walked out of the bush and sat on its hindlegs and waited for Kayla to get closer. This made Kayla freeze. She stared at the wolf and then walked up to it and petted it. The wolf licked her face and they ended up play wrestling on the ground for a couple minutes, before it walked out of the woods with us, walking close to Kayla’s side. We later learned that the wolf was a domesticated pet from the reservation, but the spirit of the wolf is what brought that wolf to her that day.”
“Have you always been so wild?” Sam is looking at me affectionately and I smile and laugh. “Pretty much.” Awenasa nods and kisses my lips. “Kayla has always had an unmatched energy.”
“How do normal people figure out what their spirit animal is?”
Sam makes me laugh so hard that I end up falling over into Awenasa’s lap. She just holds my head and arm till I compose myself. I sit up still laughing some and Sam just looks at me with her lips puckered in amused agitation.
“Sorry, that normal people thing was really funny. Are you saying that we’re not normal?” Sam grins and shakes her head. “I’ve already told you that you’re not human, baby. Neither of you are.” I laugh hard again and Awenasa rubs my back and pinches my side playfully. “Leave her alone, puppy. She’s paying you a compliment; just accept it.”
I smile really big and firmly kiss Awenasa’s cheek, making her laugh a little.
“Most people figure it out by what they are attracted to. If you find that you like a particular animal a lot, there’s a good chance that could be your totem. Or if you keep seeing the same animal popping up as you’re going about your daily routine and you keep feeling yourself drawn to it. Others have to do a bit more research and soul searching to figure it out. You can study the different animals and their qualities, virtues, and personalities and compare them to yourself and what you want in life or where you need guidance and strength. For you, Sam, I suspect you have the bear totem.” Sam’s eyes get big and she looks between Awenasa and I. “Did you tell her I like bears?”
“No, she’s a priestess; this is what she does.”
Awenasa smiles and rubs my knee for a moment.
“Why do you think my totem is the bear?”
“When all is right in your world, you are patient, nurturing, carefree, and have strong confidence and authority. You have a sense of power and dominance over what you claim as your domain, and when something threatens that authority, you become fierce to protect it and restore the balance. The bear is a great totem to have, but it does often cause you to overreact and cause unnecessary tension. That’s probably why you feel so connected to Kayla. She has an unwavering sense of loyalty and incredible patience, both of which, help to sooth your wrath when provoked.”
“I’d agree with that. What about Maddi and Shannon?” Awenasa smiles and looks between them thoughtfully. “I sense that Madison has more than one totem, the fox and the deer, and both of which have actually already presented themselves to her.”
Madison and I gasp and look at Awenasa in shock, making her smile widen. The second week I knew Madison, she woke me up at three in the morning to “test my loyalty” to not disappearing and to show me that nothing scary is running amuck at that hour. Both of us knew that morning, as we watched the sunrise, that we are in love with each other. On our way to watch the sunrise, we saw a fox, but Madison spotted it first. On the day that I did my test for her, we made “day time fireworks” in a tilled corn field and several deer came out of the woods to eat nearby.
“What do they stand for?”
“Well, it’s interesting you would have that combination, because they are contradicting in some regards, but that would reflect in your personality as being well balanced. The deer represents grace, beauty, creativity, humility and calls us to search ourselves on a deeper spiritual level and learn about ourselves. Someone with a deer totem can help guide others to better understand themselves and work out internal issues. The fox gets a bad rap for being a trickster that wants to lead you into a trap, but the fox has many positive strengths. The fox is wise, cunning, and a great quick-thinker and great at strategy. Probably the greatest strength of the fox is its adaptability. You can easy adjust to your environment and situation and help others to do the same.”
Madison actually has tears in her eyes after Awenasa finishes explaining her totems to her. She smiles and laughs a little. Her eyes meet mine and I see pure love and happiness on her face.
“It’s pretty amazing that on the days we did our tests for each other’s loyalty that your totems would reveal themselves to you, baby.” Madison smiles affectionately and blushes a little bit. “Amazing isn’t even a good enough word to describe that and the explanation Awenasa just gave me.”
Excitement flares up in my chest and I hop a little and grab Awenasa’s leg.
“Ok, do Shannon’s.”
Shannon is smiling, but looks a little nervous. Awenasa places her hand over mine and smiles at Shannon in a kind way.
“Few people exhibit their animal totem as perfectly as Shannon does with hers.” Shannon’s eyes get bigger and she toys at her bottom lip. “The otter is a very independent creature and will forge its own path, even if it seems scary to do so. The otter loves land and water and learns from both. As the tide ebbs and flows against the shore, so does life, and the otter thrives in accepting all conditions and not fighting them. The otter may be independent, but its love is strong and selfless. The otter takes great pleasure in the success of others and is self-sacrificing in helping others achieve their goals and dreams. Otters are unwaveringly faithful and are often the glue that holds their families together as they strive for balance. Otters usually work in humanitarian services or are healers. The otter brings joy, laughter, love, and security to those around them. They never fail to make the ones they love feel loved and cared for.”
“My mom’s totem is the otter.” I’m staring in awe at Shannon and she looks at me affectionately. “How did I not realize you share the same totem when you remind me of her so much?” Shannon’s smile widens and her cheeks blush.
“I want to add one more thing. It is not uncommon for individuals to share a totem in the way they interact with each other. Meaning, wh
en you’re together, your qualities, behaviors, and virtues can change and reflect a different totem, a shared totem. Together, this family has the beaver totem. Beavers can change the course of rivers, directing them away from what they want to protect, and to the direction they may want to travel. Beavers believe dreams are real and will strive to achieve them. Beavers have great patience, perseverance, and are hard workers, but are also creative and love the arts. Beavers are quick learners and master their environment, changing it to meet their needs. The health and security of home is the beavers number one priority and will work tirelessly to achieve both. Beavers like stability and reliability. Every member of this family brings together the qualities, virtues, and behaviors of the beaver, which is why this family works and why it’s so strong. It is extraordinarily rare for a group to share the beaver.”
I feel so deeply moved and connected to Awenasa right now. She has always been a huge piece of me that I could never live without, but I feel like she has just stitched the last stitches in our family quilt and made all of us one. I grab the sides of her face to look at me and press my lips to hers. She releases a small sound of happy surprise as I lean into her. As she accepts me to fully kiss her, I grab her ankles and pull her legs out. I position myself between her legs and encourage her body to lay down. She inhales deeply and grips my shoulders, pulling me down against her. I glide my hands up her sides and her body rises against my touch. She suddenly pulls back and pushes up on my shoulders, panting for air. She smiles and caresses my cheek as she stares in my eyes.
“What are you trying to do to me, puppy?” I smile and laugh a little. “We need to consummate our marriage, my love.” She laughs and playfully pats my cheek. “Yes, but not on your parents’ lawn surrounded by family and children. Tonight, after the feast and after we dance, we’ll be together.”
