Warrior_Monster Slayer

by Sam Ryder

  The car flashed in front of us, chrome finish gleaming under the bright street lights. Time seemed to stop, and I saw the moment the driver realized what was about to happen as he turned his head and looked right at us, eyes wide and fearful.

  My breath was sucked from my throat as we swerved right, missing the car’s rear bumper by a hairsbreadth. We’d dipped so far to the ground that I felt the asphalt scrape at my pantleg.

  And then we were through the intersection and the mad woman steering this evil vehicle of death was whooping as she popped into a wheelie. I hung onto her waist with all my might to avoid being thrown off.

  Something flickered around the edges of the bike, which seemed to undulate beneath us. It was no longer firm. Well, not entirely. It was a mix of firm and soft. Like it was…something. Something alive. The leather was gone and I was sitting on—there was no other way to describe it—fur. Black and soft. Where the wheels had been, there were now two sets of powerful legs, running in perfect rhythm. And beyond…

  Oh em gee. The beast turned its head and opened its mouth to reveal glistening fangs and a row of sharp teeth in between. I might’ve squealed. Think the sound a pig makes the moment before it’s hogtied and butchered.

  I blinked. The beast was gone, and we were once again riding a death-mobile that felt a helluva lot safer than the creature I’d seen. Not seen, I thought. Imagined. Probably. Probably definitely. Still, I felt ill.

  “I want to…get off now,” I said between deep breaths.

  She reasserted control over the motorcycle and the front tire smacked down. She swiveled her head around. A slight frown creased her small, smooth forehead. She was as gorgeous as ever, maybe more so because of the light that had entered her, a function of the adrenaline that must’ve been coursing through her body. “Hmm. Maybe I chose poorly,” she said.

  What the hell is she talking about? Doesn’t matter. “Please,” I said. “I need to go home.”

  “Fair enough,” she said.

  After that, she drove me home in silence without me having to tell her where to go, a fact I didn’t really want to think about.

  I got off, removed the helmet and handed it to her. “Thanks for the ride,” I managed to get out.

  “Keep it,” she said. “Just in case.” And then she was gone, racing off down the road and vanishing around the bend.

  TWO

  DREAMS AND NIGHTMARES

  “What. The. Actual. Fuck,” I said as I kicked off my shoes and unbuttoned my shirt. I felt hot all over from trudging up the three flights of stairs to my tiny apartment, but as soon as my shirt gaped open and the flow of air hit my chest, I felt cold and clammy. My skin was sheened with sweat.

  “Wake up, man.” I sank onto my couch and cupped my face in my hands. My hands were clammy too, and suddenly I felt the need to take a shower. A cold shower. Are you serious right now? I thought, my own anatomy betraying me as I remembered the way the woman’s (I didn’t even know her name!) dress had snapped up again and again and again…

  I groaned, lifting my feet up onto the small coffee table littered with candy wrappers and empty beer cans. Stop thinking about that. She tried to kill you. I knew I was overreacting. She hadn’t actually tried to hurt me. Yes, she’d driven recklessly, but at no time did she seem out of control. Quite the opposite, in fact, her control of the motorcycle complete, like it was a part of her.

  Yes, I was thinking about all of this logically, I think to avoid considering the most illogical part of the entire absurdly erotic experience.

  The beast.

  It had looked like a panther but much larger. Even bigger than a lion. The amount of raw power I’d felt churning beneath me was unfathomable. And yet…

  We rode it, I thought, suddenly feeling a strange sense of giddiness bordering on euphoria.

  Stop. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t interested in cheap thrills. The extent of my risk-taking was using my avatar on A-Civ to go kamikaze on an alien brood.

  Plus, there was a good chance I was dreaming. Yeah, I had to be. That was the only explanation. Hard drugs would’ve been another, but again, not my thing. Losing control just wasn’t in the cards for me. Still, at first the lack of control while riding behind her, my hands pressing hard against her firm hips…it had been exhilarating.

  Until it wasn’t. Lest I be reminded.

  Sleep. That was what I needed. If it was a dream and I fell asleep in it, when I awoke everything would be clearer. Everything that had felt real would become fuzzy, hard-to-describe memories. I laid down on my side, shirt still on but half unbuttoned. At least my shoes were off.

  As I drifted away, I remembered my car with its slashed tires. I remembered the box of worthless possessions I’d left sitting in the parking lot. I’d get them tomorrow. Get responsible. I had bills to pay. A mouth to feed.

  But in the moment before sleep took me, I didn’t think of any of that. I thought of the lines of the woman’s body, the playful smirk on her face, the cryptic words she’d spoken.

  Most of all, I thought of the bright yellow eyes of the enormous beast as it looked back at me.

  ~~~

  I awoke clawing at the air, gasping for breath. Sun streamed through the slats in the old blinds covering one of the windows. The light illuminated motes of dust lazily drifting through the air, like snowflakes that would never land.

  I released a nervous, breathy laugh.

  My coffee table was free of the wrappers and beer cans. I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts rather than the button-down shirt and slacks I normally wore to work. No socks.

  I filled my lungs with air and slowly let it out. A dream. As I expected.

  Of course it had been. A guy like me didn’t get a thrill ride from a woman like her. That was fantasy. Scary as hell, but a fantasy just the same.

  Plus, well, the creature. I rolled my eyes at myself, though I knew I shouldn’t. Dreams were supposed to feel real when you were in them. Only in the light of wakefulness, like now, did one realize how ridiculous it was to have ever believed them in the first place.

  The only weird thing was that I never remembered my dreams, but this one…

  I remembered everything. Vividly.

  So much so that…you can mock me if you want…I was growing in a very specific area under my shorts.

  Time for that cold shower. Then I would call AAA. Get responsible. Take care of my car. Go online and start the new job search. Everyone needed IT help these days. I’d find another position within weeks. Maybe even days.

  Gaining confidence, I nodded to myself as I stood and headed for the bathroom.

  I froze.

  Oh.

  Shit.

  It was sitting there right next to the door, where I must’ve placed it when I stumbled into my apartment.

  The helmet. It was black and glossy, reflecting a triangle of light in one place.

  I moved toward it slowly, my arms extended, like one might try to corner a wild animal. “No,” I said, immediately trying to rationalize. A dream within a dream perhaps? Some kind of Leo DiCaprio Inception shit?

  I bent down to touch the helmet, half-expecting my hand to pass straight through before it vanished in the morning sunlight.

  It didn’t. The surface was warm and smooth, and the moment I touched it I remembered that feeling of freedom as we careened out of the parking lot. The beginning of the ride had been good, spoiled only by the awkward ending.

  “Miss me?” a voice said from behind.

  Yes, I jumped out of my friggin’ skin.

  Yes, I peed myself.

  A little.

  Okay, a lot.

  I whirled around and she was there. Same dress. Same impossible long, smooth legs. Same self-assured smile. “You…I…we…” I stammered. Cool as ice, as usual.

  “Yes,” she said. “All of those things, Sam Ryder. Now that you’ve had a chance to sleep on things, do you feel any differently?”

  It was like she was speaking in tongues. Or riddles. And not
the Gollum from The Hobbit kind where you felt stupid when you found out the answers. I couldn’t even contemplate an answer. “I…I’m not sure. About what?”

  Cool as ice.

  She laughed. Her perky breasts undulated beneath the thin, knit dress. In the dark, I hadn’t noticed, but now I was certain she wasn’t wearing anything but the leopard-print thong underneath. “The ride of your life. Are you in or out?”

  Oh. My. Gods.

  She laughed again when I didn’t answer, gesturing to where Little Sam had betrayed me once more.

  I know what you’re probably thinking at this point: This guy is addicted to sex. He’d pop a stiffy if an old nun had a wardrobe malfunction. I swear that’s not true. But I also didn’t get a lot of play with the ladies. Okay, any play. Shocking, I know.

  And when she said that word—ride—with those lips and the tiniest flash of her pink tongue… What’s a dude supposed to do?

  “Well?” she said. “The goddesses don’t have all day. Their last Protector was devoured by a brainless Grrrshkt just yesterday. Our enemies are circling. Fate doesn’t wait for anyone, not even Sam Ryder. So what’s it going to be?”

  “Did someone put you up to this?” I asked. Even as I formulated the question, I couldn’t imagine who that someone might be. I didn’t have a lot of friends. At least not the real kind. The interweb was full of interesting characters who I mostly got along with while we were fighting aliens.

  “Yes,” the woman said.

  I finally managed to take a normal breath. “Was it A-Shift?” That was the screenname of one of my buddies from A-Civ. I’d known him for a couple years. Or her. You couldn’t be sure of much online. And he or she acted like someone who might play a prank or two. He/She was a talented hacker as well, so maybe would be able to find my real identity, track me down, hire this woman—a high-end hooker, perhaps?—to play-act this whole impossible fantasy scenario out.

  The more I thought about it, the more incredibly impressive the entire thing was.

  And the more improbable.

  Still, I wanted to believe, especially because it would mean ‘the ride’ of my life she was talking about would include—

  “It was Persepheus. The other two goddesses were too weak. I don’t know this…A-Shift person. Is that a goddess from another realm?”

  Oh gods, she’s good, I thought. Top notch. I couldn’t even imagine how much A-Shift must’ve paid for this. I owed him, big time. He could have the next fifty weapons I found while playing A-Civ.

  Even knowing this woman was being paid to…converse…with me, I still couldn’t form normal words in the presence of such beauty. “I—should we—I don’t know, do you want to…”

  Pathetic. Freaking pathetic.

  Mile-long legs in knee-high boots. Perky breasts. Gods, those hips. And what was beneath that dress, those quick flashes of memory only made everything about her even more tantalizing.

  “Yes,” she said, that single word causing my entire body to stir. My mouth was literally watering. “Let’s go for that ride.”

  Please. Yes.

  She walked closer, her dress swishing around her upper thighs. Closer, closer, her lean arm reaching out, her hand moving straight for my—

  And then it was past, grabbing the helmet from the floor. Thumping it into my midsection, practically doubling me over. “You should probably wear this, just in case. You’ll face plenty of dangers in the days to come, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take precautions. We’re all hoping you’ll last much longer than the others.”

  “The others?”

  “The Warriors of the Three. I told you, the last Protector was eaten by a—”

  “Cut the bullshit,” I said, finally tiring of the act. Still, I was surprised my tongue cooperated at all given the circumstances. “What’s your name?”

  “Eve. They call me the Finder.”

  Good. Now we were getting somewhere. If this was my fantasy, I would take full advantage. I placed the helmet on the nearby bookshelf. Turned back to her. She was looking at me strangely. Not surprised exactly. More…interested.

  This was it. Man up or forever be a loser.

  I fucking manned up.

  I reached out and touched her, my right hand finding her left hip, the same exact spot I’d hung onto for dear life the night before, but from the opposite perspective. The fabric of her dress was warm. I could feel the thin band of her thong beneath. She was so close now.

  But not close enough. I leaned in, watching as her eyes narrowed slightly and her pink lips parted as she moistened them with her tongue.

  For once in my life, I’d made the right move, even if she was being paid to be here.

  My hand drifted lower, finding skin, slipping under the dress, rising…

  Finding the thong. Just like a fantasy. My thumb hooked under the band, sliding along it.

  My lips met hers and—

  Darkness.

  THREE

  MANSCAPED

  “I had no choice,” a distant voice said. The words were slightly muffled, as if spoken through water. The voice was familiar.

  Speaking of water…I could hear the gentle, tinkling sound of it moving. A small waterfall perhaps. Wherethewherethewherethe—

  Even in my own mind I couldn’t finish the question, which seemed to dance away from me each time I closed in on it. Wherethe? was the best I could do.

  There was another voice, but softer. Weak sounding. “But the last group…”

  “The last group was a mistake. We didn’t test them in the Circle. Our enemies were closing in. I was…desperate.”

  I tried to open my eyes, but it was like they were glued shut. The rest of my body felt…strange. Different. Kind of tingly. I wasn’t sure why.

  “And now?” the softer voice said.

  “Still desperate, but wiser. I’m still in my first decade, remember? My mother was the Finder for a century. I am learning. I will do better.”

  That second voice was definitely Eve’s, I realized. My thoughts were beginning to stabilize. I shifted my hand slowly, so I wouldn’t draw attention. I was pretty sure this was no longer what I had originally thought it was. A-Shift had nothing to do with this. This woman was insane. She was talking about decades and centuries like they were days and weeks.

  What the hell? My hand had settled on my thigh, just below where my shorts had ridden up too high. A thick, slimy substance coated my skin. Blech.

  “So I don’t need to remind you of the stakes?” The weak voice was sounding weaker by the second.

  “Of course not. This is my calling. At least one of them will be the next Warrior.”

  “If any of them pass the test.”

  Warrior? Test? While I pondered those questions with the dozen other mysteries rattling around in my brainpan, I ran my fingers along my slimy skin. It felt smooth and slick. Again, I tried to open my eyes without success. There was something off about the way my skin felt, and it wasn’t just the slime.

  “Yes, yes. I promise,” Eve said. “No more free passes. Now drink.”

  “I shouldn’t. I should save it for the others. Our stores are critical. They need it more than me.”

  No hair, I realized. That was why my skin felt so weird. Now, I wasn’t exactly against the concept of manscaping. I’d even been known to pluck a few stray unibrow hairs every now and again. But I had never shaved my legs. I’d never really had a reason to, considering I didn’t wear shorts in public. When your legs were pasty white and had less than sculpted calves and thighs, one had to focus on their positive physical attributes. Which meant I had very little to focus on, except maybe my gut was only slightly flabby?

  So she shaved me? It was weird and kinky, and the thought of a deadly sharp razor passing over my skin didn’t exactly comfort me, but it was better than a dagger in the gut. Or wait…maybe it was the weird substance. I’d seen the infomercials for non-FDA-approved chemicals that could remove hair by shriveling it up and having it fall out by t
he roots. Was that what this slime was? I hoped not.

  The conversation continued while I contemplated each of these questions. “You don’t always have to be the strong one, Persepheus.”

  “Yes, I do,” the weak voice, Persepheus, said. I remembered that name from when I spoke to Eve back in my apartment. Back when I thought this was all an elaborate prank, or paid fantasy thing. I no longer thought that. Not even a little. Persepheus was the one Eve had said had put her up to all this. But what was this? “Start the test. Time is of the essence.”

  “It always is.”

  I managed to crack my eyelids and slime oozed from my eyelashes. Ugh, the stuff was on my face too. I lifted a hand to wipe it away, clearing my vision. At first I saw only inky darkness. Slowly, the black turned to gray, and I could make out the outline of long stringy things hanging against a high wall. They were pulsing slightly, glowing silver and then darkening. Silver and dark. Silver and dark. Vines perhaps? If so, they weren’t like any vines I’d ever seen before. Where am I?

  And then I saw her. Eve. She looked as perfect as she did before, except something was different. Her dress, I realized. It was the same style as before, high-necked and strappy and mini on the bottom, revealing her sensuous long legs. But now, instead of white and knit the dress was black and leather, blending into the shadows. I shivered at the realization. If anything, it made her even hotter, but in a darker, she-might-rip-out-my-tongue-and-feed-it-to-me kind of way. I remembered how I’d felt emboldened as I’d touched her, leaned in to kiss those perfect lips. Then, nothing. I remembered nothing between the moment my lips touched hers and when I heard her voice again.

  What had happened?

  Did she have a toxin on her lips? A new date-rape Chapstick or something? And if so, why hadn’t it affected her too? Furthermore, how had she transported me from my apartment to…wherever the hell we were?