The Darkest Hour: A San Diegan Novel

by S. M. Soto

  “I’m not ready to go there yet,” I whisper. My chin quivers, and I nibble on my bottom lip. Chase looks away quickly, his jaw is clenched and his nostrils are flared. He stares out the balcony doors, to the ocean water that I know holds all his demons. Even without him saying it, he’s disappointed that I haven’t shared my past. Hell, I’m even disappointed in myself. Dread fills every empty recess of my body, and I silently berate myself for the rest of the night.

  Chase is quiet as we finish dinner, I can feel the distance between us, and I know it’s all my doing. After brushing our teeth, he says he has some calls to make in his office, but once he wraps those up, he’ll come to bed. I lay awake, staring at the ceiling. I strain my ears to hear his voice coming from his office but instead– nothing. Did he even have a call to make, or did he just need distance from me?

  I roughly scrub my hands down my face and toss the comforter off my body. I swing my legs off the side of the bed and decide to go to him. As I leave our room, my steps falter at the sound of my phone vibrating. I pivot and pick my phone up to check my messages. I swipe across the screen to see the image Natalia sent me. I sit back down on the bed and tap the image. It’s a blush two-piece dress that looks tighter than anything I’ve ever seen. I quickly type out a reply, immediately knowing who the message came from, despite the ID that reads Natalia.

  “That has Sam written all over it.”

  “You know me so well, Ohio.” The message is followed by a winking smiley.

  I smile and roll my eyes before placing my phone back on the nightstand. I war with myself over whether or not I should interrupt Chase. The coward in me wins out. I get back into bed and try to stay up to wait for Chase, but that doesn’t happen.

  I wake up the next morning in his empty bed. He left a short and brief note on the nightstand saying he went for a run and breakfast. No I love you, no beautiful girl, nothing. Like a needle continuously stabbing my heart, the ache in my chest travels up my throat. I close my watery eyes with the realization that when he came to bed last night he didn’t even try to wake me. I force myself to get in the shower and hold my tears. No more spiraling, I tell myself.

  After my shower, I get dressed, freezing when I hear the slam of the front door. A jolt of electricity travels through my body, I get to my feet running out of the room to see him. I don’t make it far. My body collides with something hard that nearly knocks me off my feet.

  “Good morning to you, too,” Chase chuckles lightly as he steadies me back on my feet.

  I stare up at him with a shocked expression and search his eyes for any lingering aggravation from yesterday, but I don’t see anything. His familiar steel blue eyes that give away nothing stare back at me.

  “I brought coffee and donuts,” he says gesturing to the kitchen making my stomach growl loudly. Chase smirks, and I smile sheepishly. He leads me into the kitchen, and I dig in to my coffee and donuts like a woman starved.

  A cup of coffee and three donuts later, I’m slouched against the chair as I try to accommodate my now bloated stomach. I pat my belly and hear Chases chortle across the table. I narrow my eyes at his amused expression.

  “I have a problem, don’t I?” I ask through my labored breathing. God I’m so full I can’t even talk.

  Leaning across the table he places a chaste kiss on my lips and smirks.

  “Not at all, beautiful girl.” He licks his lips for show. “Tastes just like chocolate,” he rasps sexily, and now I’m hungry for something else.

  “What time am I dropping you off at Natalia’s?” He asks with a raised brow. He tilts back his head, finishing off the rest of his coffee. His throat works, and his Adam’s apple bobs with each swallow. I lick my lips and trail my eyes up and down his body seated across from me.

  “Later.” I purr with arousal. I get up from my seat and crawl onto his lap kissing him anywhere I can get my lips on.

  “Much later,” I whisper between kisses. Chase picks me up and I squeal as he carries me into his bedroom. Keeping my word, I didn’t make it to Natalia and Sam’s until later – much, much later.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  I arrive at the club with Sam and Natalia a little after eleven. It’s just as packed with warm bodies as the last time I was here with the girls, Push It On Me by Trey Songz blares loudly throughout the expanse of the club spurring the club goers to dance to the lively beat.

  I told Chase I’d meet him here so I could ride in with the girls. My nerves are a jumbled mess as I wait for him to get a glimpse of me in the dress Sam picked. Even though it’s super tight it’s also surprisingly tasteful and looks sexy on me. I feel confident and I can’t wait to see his expression when he gets a good look at my outfit.

  “Alrighty, sooo, I might have a little surprise…for one of you at least,” Sam pipes up nervously from between Natalia and me.

  “Great, spill it, before I tit punch you,” Natalia threatens. Sam pivots front and center before us, with her hands clasped in front of her, effectively blocking our way.

  “So, I might have invited a certain quarterback and his friends to join our friends for a night out, because we’re all friends here, right, Natalia?”

  Natalia’s whole body tenses and I feel her tremble slightly beside me.

  “I. Will. Kill. You,” she grinds out through gritted teeth.

  My eyes fly back and forth between the tense face of Natalia and the smug grin on Sam’s face.

  “It’ll be fine, Nat. Just a bunch of friends hanging out, no big deal,” I say, trying to soothe her stricken features. Natalia nods her head unconvincingly.

  “Y-yeah. Right, no big deal. Just friends,” she says to us in a fumbling statement, no doubt trying to believe it herself. This night should be fun.

  The first hour of the night was beyond awkward. Natalia was tense as she watched Mr. QB get hit on by anything with a pair of tits. Alex and Sam argued like a married couple; strange for two people who were just ‘friends with benefits’. I also realized Alex’s friends were real life freaking playboys. Superior guys exuding wealth and charming smiles that make women swoon.

  As for me and Chase, well, if he isn’t eye fucking me in my dress with that smoldering look of his, I’m either shooting daggers at every horny female in this club with her eyes on him or trying to involve everyone in a new conversation.

  Thankfully, the awkwardness didn’t last long. Natalia dragged Sam and I on the dance floor for a few songs. I watched proudly as she let loose on the dance floor no doubt making Luke, the quarterback, jealous. I’ve seen the way they look at each other, and let me tell you, that’s not the way friends stare at each other.

  With every shake of my hips I could feel the intense burn of Chase’s eyes on me, trailing from my neck all the way down to my toes. My body thrums with electricity when I get a glimpse of his heated gaze on me. By the time we got back to the table, shots and conversation were flowing, eliminating all traces of awkward.

  “You’re so beautiful,” Chase whispers in my ear.

  His warm breath sends little tingles down my spine, causing goosebumps to erupt over my skin. I bite my bottom lip to hide my delighted smile.

  “I would say the same to you, but I’m afraid it might go to your head with all the attention you’re already receiving tonight.”

  I tilt my head to the side catching his gaze, I pout and watch in joy as his blue eyes scan my features and visibly soften. Chase leans in tightening the arm he has wrapped around my waist.

  “I only ever see you,” he says, lips close to my ear. He places a soft kiss beneath my ear and I nearly combust on the spot. This man can destroy me with just his kisses alone. I inch closer to him, squirming at the tightening of his firm hand on my hip.

  “For fucks sake, would you two just get married already? The love permeating in the air right now is disgusting.” Sam waves her arm around herself and scrunches her face up in disgust. I make a show of flipping her off and rolling my eyes.

  “Not condoning wha
t she said, but seriously you guys need to get a room before the baby making starts right here in this booth,” Natalia jokes as she playfully waggles her brows.

  Once the words leave her mouth, I instantly clam up. My stomach drops and my heart rate shoots through the roof, making my sternum feel like it will split open at any second. I know it’s just a joke but my mind can’t register that right now—my mind can’t register anything at the moment. The subject of children has always been a hard one for me–upsetting even. Just seeing small babies and kids hurtles me back into time, into the memories that rip open my chest and crush my barely beating heart. My chest tightens and my breathing increases.

  “Breathe, Aliza, I’m kidding!” Natalia laughs along with Alex and everyone else at our booth. Ice floods my veins, and I feel the blood drain from my face. I can’t bring myself to look at Chase, instead I look across from me to Sam who’s staring at me like I’m a ticking time bomb. She looks like she wants to say something but doesn’t know how to open her mouth for once.

  “Although, I do think you and Chase would make awesome parents, plus your babies would be so beautiful, all blonde hair and blue eyes,” Natalia says on a drunken sigh in her own little world. The stabbing sensation in my heart returns with a vengeance and I can feel tears clog my throat. Blonde hair, blue eyes and harmonious laughter cloud my vision.

  Not here, Aliza, don’t lose it here, I keep telling myself.

  “I think you’ve had way too much to drink, Natalia, so I think we should cut you off, good idea? Yeah, thought so,” Sam says quickly as she tries to divert the situation.

  Chase rubs his hand on my back soothingly. The ache in my chest is so sharp I can hardly breathe.

  “Hey, look at me,” he commands. I turn my head to him slightly, seeing concern written all over his face.

  “What’s wrong? You don’t look so good.” His eyes scan my face and my eyes burn with unshed tears.

  “I’m actually not feeling too good. I-I think I should go home, maybe get some rest or something,” I say meekly, afraid my voice will crack any second. Chase searches my eyes before he nods his head and starts to get up.

  “Wait, what are you doing?” I ask nervously as I watch him grab my clutch.

  “I’m taking you home,” he says, pinching his brows together in confusion. I shake my head and wave him off.

  “Chase, please stay with your friends and have fun. I’ll be fine, I promise. I’m just not feeling well, and I don’t want to ruin your entire night. Please.” My tears hang on my bottom lash line, ready to drop any moment. I watch as that steel wall builds up in his eyes. His shoulders stiffen and his jaw ticks.

  “If you think I’m letting you find a way home by yourself you’re crazy. I’ll drop you off and if you really want me to leave I will,” he says in a cold tone ending the discussion.

  The ride back to my place is quiet. I can sense Chase’s animosity toward me, his jaw is set tightly, and the muscles that are working back and forth look like they’re about to explode at any moment. I war with myself the whole ride wondering if I should say anything, or even try to explain, but nothing comes out. I don’t know why I acted the way I did, but hearing those words hurt more than anything; leaving me with a dull ache in my chest where my heart now beats heavily.

  His Range Rover pulls up in front of my condo and my eyes train on Mr. Walker’s place. It’s pitch black; no sign anyone is awake right now. Not like he would be, it’s nearly two o’clock in the morning.

  “What happened, Aliza?”

  I close my eyes tightly at the sound of his voice, and rest my head against the headrest.

  “I told you. I wasn’t feeling good,” I whisper, not having the strength to come up with a more elaborate lie. I open my eyes and tilt my head toward Chase who’s looking at me like he knows something I don’t. He scrubs a rough hand through his tousled blonde hair.

  “Try again.” Impatience laces his voice, and my lip trembles. Why can’t I just tell him the truth?

  “I-I just didn’t feel good,” I sputter in a weak voice. Tears climb up and clog my throat preventing me from saying anything else. His steel blue eyes are like icicles pricking me with his gaze.

  “What aren’t you telling me, Aliza? I thought we were passed all these secrets? What is so horrible that you can’t tell me?”

  I shake my head in denial. I know deep down this is the moment I’m going to lose him because I won’t be able to tell him about my past. My heart aches at that revelation, and I blink away the tears threatening to bubble over. He lets out a humorless laugh at my silence, and pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration.

  “Alright.” He runs his hand down his face and looks out the driver’s side window without another word. My heart feels like it’s been torn out of my chest, and broken in half.

  My composure crumbles, as the tears fall helplessly. The stabbing sensation in my heart gets worse with every step I take away from him. I’ve ruined something big between us tonight. I know that and he does too. The fact that he doesn’t leave until I’m safely inside, isn’t lost on me, and makes me love him all the more. I trudge inside my condo, constantly wiping the stupid tears off my face. This is your fault. You did this because you couldn’t even open up to the one good thing in your life.

  I kick off my heels and climb into bed not bothering to undress. I burrow under the covers, closing my eyes, and hope that tomorrow I won’t hate myself as much as I do right now.

  I crack open my eyes, as light streams in through my shades nearly blinding me. I wait for my sleepiness to wane before I force myself to get out of bed. Grabbing my clutch off the nightstand, I pull out my phone scrolling through all my messages.

  One from Natalia pops up. “I’m so sorry. I guess alcohol and hot football players don’t mix well. Hope everything is okay.”

  I sigh at her text message. It’s not like I was angry with her or anything. It was my problem—old wounds resurfacing. I’m irritated with myself for spiraling over something so small, with no meaning behind it. I type back a quick reply, letting her know I don’t blame her in the least, I scroll through the rest of my messages, seeing that I have nothing from Chase. With a depressed exhale, I exit out of the messages and my eyes land on my home screen with today’s date. Tomorrow’s my birthday–one of the hardest days of my life.

  Fuck.

  I toss myself back on the bed and curl myself into a ball; ignoring my vibrating phone and the countless knocks on the front door, and only focusing on the pain that’s swallowing me whole. I guess old habits really do die hard.

  ***

  The next morning, I wake up and stare blankly at my ceiling. Today is one of the most painful days I have to live through. My birthday used to be a happy event, but three years ago, any opportunity I had at a happy life was taken from me in the cruelest form.

  My twenty-third birthday should be spent with my friends and the man I love; instead I’ll be wallowing in my misery because that’s the only thing I know how to do. I spent all day yesterday dreading how today would turn out, coupled with the fact that I have to work, and I’ll no doubt run into Chase.

  The significance of what this day truly means weighs heavily on me throughout most of my workday. I can’t help but wonder how different my life could’ve been if I hadn’t lost everything. I go from table to table, taking and delivering orders, trying to keep my mind preoccupied before I have a mental breakdown, but I’m not focused. I’ve hardly said a word to anyone and thankfully I haven’t seen Chase. I don’t bother spending lunch with Natalia and Sam like I normally would, instead I walk around the surrounding area of the bar and grille keeping busy until it’s time to go back to work.

  After a short break, I hurry myself into finishing off my shift. I can feel the weight of Sam’s gaze on me every time I come to the bar to place an order in with her. I never give her chance to say anything though, trying to keep our eye contact to a minimum. One mistake or slip up, and I’ll be a blubbering mess, cry
ing on her shoulder.

  It’s easier this way. I have to keep telling myself that. I know both of my friends just want to be there for me but I’m not ready for any of it.

  My heart drops entirely as I make my way over to the next table to take their orders. Erin sits casually with her friends, dressed to kill. Immaculately styled hair, perfectly applied makeup, and a tight dress shows off her breasts.

  Damn I hate her.

  Erin senses me from afar, and I watch as the smug grin spreads slowly across her face. She’s like a predator prepping for her attack; and unfortunately, I’m the prey. My hand twitches with urge to smack the grin off her face but, of course, I hold myself back.

  “Oh look, the lover of my sloppy seconds, always a pleasure.” She sneers. I grind my teeth together before opening my mouth, anger seeps through every pore of my being.

  “What can I get for you today?” I try to say as nicely as I can but it comes out strained.

  “CJ, actually.”

  Her upper lip curls into a smile drawing my attention away from the evil glint in her eye. My body tenses immediately, and my hands curl into fists at my sides. Sheer possessiveness overcomes me at the thought of her and Chase together. I might not know where we stand right now, but like hell I’ll let her take him from me.

  “Pretty sure he doesn’t want you here at all,” I grind out trying not to lose my cool. Erin smiles condescendingly.

  “Is that why I was with him Friday night?” She asks innocently. My face falls and I watch the victorious smile spread across hers. The floor beneath my feet has shifted, and my heart has dropped painfully out of my chest, it’s now on the floor at her feet. Chills shoot out across my body as I wrack my brain for Friday. My thoughts suddenly freeze. He was with me Friday so how the hell…? I search Erin’s irritatingly smug face coming to one conclusion.

  What a manipulative bitch.

  I narrow my eyes at her and inch closer to the table.