by S. M. Soto
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
***
Chase brought home pizza for us and we devoured the whole box between us. We’re now lounging on my sofa going through the crate of memorabilia I keep in my closet.
“This is my little brother and sister, Nathaniel and Aria.” I point to the picture of my little brother and sister standing side by side next to my parents and me.
“It’s crazy how much you all look alike.”
I smile because I’ve been told this my whole life. My brother, sister and I are spitting images of my parents.
“I know.” I shrug, and then smile as I dig through more of the stuff I have inside. We spend a good hour going through most of the pictures and keepsakes. I shed a few tears in the process, but Chase picked me up and helped me get through it.
After we showered, we lay silently in bed snuggled against each other. I break the silence with one thing that’s been plaguing my mind.
“Do you believe in ghosts?” I ask absently, trying to piece together if I even believe in them.
“I’m not sure. I’ve never met anyone who has dealt with anything remotely paranormal, so it’s hard to say.” His fingers slip through my hair and I shift my head, lying on his chest to get a better look at his face.
“Can I tell you something crazy?”
Chase’s lip twitches and he nods his head. “Sure.”
I proceed to tell Chase about my friendship with Mr. Walker and the brief encounter with the woman who told me he had passed a while ago.
“It’s crazy, right? Or maybe I’m crazy?” I blow out a sigh. “All I know is Arthur helped me, Chase, in more ways than one. I didn’t even get to thank him.” My voice drops just thinking about everything that stubborn man helped me through.
“Well, if ghosts are real, he knows how thankful you are.”
Sighing, I rest my hands on his chest and prop my chin on them. I stare up at Chase and marvel at his beauty.
“He led me to you, you know.”
“Remind me to send him a thank you letter,” he jokes and I nudge him in the ribs.
“Seriously!” I stress. “He told me CJ’s Bar and Grille was hiring. That’s what made me go looking for a job there. I had no idea you were CJ when I walked through those doors that day.”
His brows furrow as he mulls over what I just said.
“I wasn’t hiring. Well, I was, but most of the interviewees were girls looking for an excuse to date me. So, I stopped looking, and didn’t allow anymore female interviewee’s.”
“Sexist much?”
“You get what I mean.” He narrows his eyes in warning and I can’t help but laugh. Poking fun at him is close to one of my favorite things to do.
“I know. Is it weird that I miss him? I miss talking to him, and joking with him.”
“No, I don’t think so. He helped you heal. There’s no way you wouldn’t miss him,” he says reassuringly.
I reach up and run my fingers through his sandy blonde, tousled hair.
“You healed me too, you know. You do it every day without even trying.” I enjoy the feel of his hair slipping through my fingers as I search the depths of his blue eyes. Something flickers behind them and I know what I’ve just said got to him.
Chase dips his head and I meet him halfway with a soft kiss that says thank you for everything, and so much more.
We lay in bed together content with the comfortable silence surrounding us. After some time, I roll off his chest and stare at the ceiling wondering where we go from here.
“You need to talk to Sam and Natalia,” Chase urges, penetrating my fog of thoughts.
I sigh and roll onto my side to face him. “I know. First thing tomorrow morning that’s what I plan on doing.”
Chase nods his head in agreement and wraps his thick arms around me. The steady beat of his heart lulls me into a peaceful sleep.
Chapter Thirty-Six
The next morning, I wake up to another one of Chase’s adorable notes letting me know he went for a run and will be back later with breakfast. I use this window of free time to call Natalia and Sam. I grab my phone off my nightstand and dial Natalia first instead of Sam because I know she’ll answer. She picks up on the first ring.
“Aliza? Jesus woman I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for ages!” Natalia shouts on the other line. I roll my eyes and prop myself against the headboard.
“It’s been one day, Natalia.”
“That is beside the point, Aliza. We were worried! Don’t you dare do anything like that ever again, do you hear me?”
I retreat further against the headboard at her scolding tone. Natalia takes the role of a momma bear to a new level—always ready to fight for her cubs whenever deemed necessary.
“I know. I know. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, I promise. Can you and Sam come over for a bit? I really need to talk to you guys.”
The line goes quiet for a few seconds before Natalia clears her throat. “Yes, of course. We’ll be there.”
We hang up a few minutes later, and I use this time to get cleaned up. Looking somewhat presentable, I blow out a deep breath ready to tell the girls something I should’ve done a long time ago.
Arguing outside of my front door once again alerts me of their presence. I swing the door open and, of course, I find Sam and Natalia at each other’s throats. Not literally, but you get it.
“You should have just listened to me from the start, you stubborn prude!” Sam shouts.
“I don’t need your wild advice, Samantha. Now shut the fuck up before I slap you,” Natalia hisses through clenched teeth. Her narrowed eyes widen as she turns to me with a bright smile. “Good morning, Aliza.” She says cheerily and all I can do is laugh.
God, these girls are certifiably crazy. I move aside so they can come in. They both sit on the sofa and stare at me with patient and expectant expressions waiting for me to tell them why I called them here. I blow out a breath. Here goes nothing.
An hour later, all three of us are a blubbering crying mess huddled on my couch in a hug.
“God, Aliza. I had no idea you’d been through all that. I’m so sorry for everything I said. Really,” Natalia says with tears still falling down her cheeks.
“I don’t blame you Natalia, never did. I was just upset, and didn’t know how to handle it.” I shrug.
“You’re the strongest woman I know, Aliza. I’m sorry you had to go through all that,” Sam says sincerely and I freeze in my spot and stare at her with wide eyes.
“Did you just call me by my actual name? Holy shit, you did!”
Natalia and I laugh while Sam blushes, rolling her eyes. She shrugs like it’s no big feat.
“Thank you, guys,” I say looking between the two of them. “I couldn’t have gotten through any of this without you or Chase. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, but I think it’s getting easier.”
I’m engulfed in a suffocating hug between the two of them.
“You know…” Sam says as she pulls away, gaining my attention. “If you ever want to have kids again, you can have a tube reversal. You know that, right?” She asks with a raised brow. I contemplate what she just said and it brings me a sense of hope for my future.
“Maybe one day,” I say with a small smile. “But right now, just being with Chase is enough.” I pat Sam’s leg in thanks for the information.
“So, are you guys going to tell me what you’re fighting about now?” I prod them both with raised brows. Sam and Natalia exchange a heated look no doubt remembering their conversation from earlier. “She’s in love with the quarterback. What else would it be about?” Natalia fumes beside Sam and I grin smugly.
“I know she is. Pretty sure they both know it too.” Natalia whips her gaze to me with wide, betrayed eyes and I just shrug.
Someone has to tell the truth here.
Chase chooses that moment to walk through door with a cup holder and huge box of donuts.
“Anyone hung
ry?” he asks, placing everything down on the kitchen counter. My smug grin turns into a full blown mega-watt smile.
Good Lord, I love this man.
That night in bed with Chase, we lay spooning in his bed watching a movie. He rains soft kisses up and down the back of my neck. It sends shivers up and down my spine and I can’t control my sputtering laughter. I turn in his arms to face him and kiss him hungrily. I’ll never have my fill of him. He’s my life now. I can’t imagine living another day without this beautifully tortured man.
“I think there’s one thing left we have to do,” he says in between kisses. I cock my head in confusion.
What could we possibly have left to do, I ask myself.
“Pennsylvania.”
I close my eyes and pictures of home flow through my head. He’s right. I still have a lot of things to do. Opening my eyes, I nod my head in agreement.
“You’re right,” I sigh. “I guess there is still some things I need to do.”
I snuggle into Chase’s chest and place a soft kiss over his heart.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
It’s been a week since I came clean with everything, and I feel really, good. Better than I have in a long time. I’ve spent the majority of my time here at Chase’s place.
“Move in with me.”
My heart freezes in my chest and my eyes bug out in surprise. I’m sitting at his breakfast bar with my coffee and plate of eggs, while he’s leaning against the kitchen counter casually. Like this is the kind of question you ask easily over breakfast.
“I-I…” I squeak and fumble for the right words. My head is spinning.
Holy shit.
He wants me to move in with him. He wants to share his space with me.
Oh. My. God.
Chase tries to hide his amusement.
“It’s a yes or no, Aliza,” he says with a confident chuckle and I narrow my eyes at him. Always the smug bastard.
“Are you sure about this?” I search those sapphire eyes for any sign of reluctance. I blow out a relieved breath when I don’t see any.
Is this really happening?
He pushes off the counter and stalks forward, leaning down in front of me.
“I’m not doing anything because I have to. I want you here, Aliza. Something’s been missing here for a while, and now I know it’s you. I want to build memories here with you because I love you.”
The butterflies in my stomach flutter and my heart pounds within the confines of my chest. I can’t contain the wide grin that spreads across my face.
“Yes.”
His blue eyes twinkle happily and his full lips lift into a smile that crinkles around the corners of his eyes.
With a goofy grin, I launch out of my seat and into his strong arms. I bury my face in his chest, inhaling his woodsy scent. An overwhelming wave of emotion flows through me and I bite back my tears.
“I love you,” I whisper, my voice thick with emotion. His arms tighten around me and he peppers my face with gentle kisses while I’m carried down the hall to his room where he proceeds to show me how much he loves me, and I in turn show him how much I love him.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Stepping off the tarmac, the cold November Pennsylvania air slaps me across the face. My hair whips around and a small smile spreads across my face. I’ve missed it here. I’ve missed the phantom closeness of being near my family—this is where I spent twenty-three years of my life, and being away from here as long as I have makes me realize just how much I’ve missed it.
A warm hand is placed across my lower back, and my smile widens. I crane my head to the side and look at Chase, who looks uncomfortably cold here in Pennsylvania. I guess growing up in SoCal weather will do that to you.
“You do realize you’re holding up the line of people trying to get off the plane, right?” He quips as he applies more pressure to my back, urging me forward. I roll my eyes and force my feet to move against the brutally cold weather here.
After agreeing to move in with Chase, we both decided I needed to come back here and do all the things I should’ve done a long time ago. Close the lid on the life I once had here and gather all my belongings. Our first stop will be the cemetery.
The one place I haven’t been to in nearly three years.
Just the thought of going there sends bile rising up my throat and causes my stomach to churn painfully; but I know it’s time. I’ve spent way too much of my life in limbo—at a devastating stand-still. I’m ready to move forward with the man that makes me happier than I’ve been in years. With him by my side, I can face anything. He’s my rock. My other half. The better side of me. I owe it to everyone that I’ve lost to keep moving forward and not let the past hold me back from my future any longer. It’s still hard to accept, but in time I can only hope it gets easier with the help of Chase. We build off our losses, and we’re slowly trying to piece ourselves back together…as a unit. A couple. As a whole. Today he’ll meet some of the most important people in my life. It may not be in person, but I know deep down, wherever they are, they’re dying to meet him too.
“You ready for this?” He bends down speaking near my ear. I blow out a breath and smile nervously.
“Yeah,” I nod my head. “I think I am.”
His smile spreads across his face revealing the irresistible creases in his cheeks.
“Good, because I’m fucking freezing.”
I shake my head and playfully slap his shoulder.
The moment we pulled through the iron gates of the cemetery, I felt my stomach contract and ball up with nerves. I’ve never liked the eerie vibe that consumes me whenever I’m at the cemetery. It’s one of the many reasons I stopped going. I clasped my shaking hands in my lap, and stared straight ahead as Chase drove around looking for the first section we’d be visiting today.
The children.
I tried not to let my eyes wander anywhere else, mainly focusing straight ahead through the dash window. In my peripheral, I see the large looming shadows of trees and colorful assortment of flowers, but I can’t bring myself to fully look. Keeping my eyes on the narrow road before us is all I can manage.
Everything inside me feels chaotic. Almost like my emotions are running around inside me like a chicken with its head cut off. Soon they’ll bubble over, and I’ll be a complete wreck. I know this for a fact. Chase places his warm hand over my trembling ones and squeezes reassuringly.
“We’re here. Whenever you’re ready.”
I close my eyes and release small bursts of air through my nose until I’m able to breathe normally…or at least close to it. I swallow the large lump forming in my throat and turn to Chase. His blonde hair is sexily tousled, his jaw is dusted with light stubble, and those intense blues are fixated on me. His brows pull together in concern as he searches my eyes for what I might be thinking.
“I’m ready.”
My voice is weak, a mere whisper. I’ll need all my strength for what’s coming next. I force my trembling hand to open the door, and I push myself out of the rental car. I scan the large area around me; lush green grass is littered with headstones of all sizes. Colorful flowers and pin-wheels are placed everywhere, drawing my attention to the statue of a large angel a few feet ahead of me.
My feet move forward of their own accord. With each step closer, the damp grass sloshes beneath my feet. I wrap my arms around myself protectively as a chill runs through my body. I’d like to blame it on the cold weather but I know it’s not—it’s from being here. My feet stop moving and my mind finally registers where it is I’m standing. My eyes travel along the contours of the weathered white angel statue. The angel’s hand is resting on a heart shaped headstone that reads.
Resting peacefully in the arms of Jesus
Rosie Grace Anderson
April 15, 2010 – August 20, 2013
‘Angel wings upon the clouds, your body softly sleeps. Hush now little princess, no more tears you have to keep.’
My eyes run over the
picture of my daughter. Her bright blue eyes sparkle brightly against her wide smile. The ever-present ache in my throat constricts. My pulse pounds behind my temples and wave after wave of pain flows through me. Running a trembling hand over her picture, I reverently try to ignore the pang in my heart. My mouth trembles and a ragged sob slips past my lips. I cup my hand over my mouth and sob brokenly. I don’t know how long I’ve been crying but a gentle hand softly wipes away my tears.
Turning to the side I find Chase standing protectively beside me, sympathy etched into his features. I throw myself into his embrace and soak his sweatshirt with my torrent of tears. I burry my face into his chest, shoulders heaving.
He cups the back of my head and holds me firmly against him, filling me with the comfort of his strong arms. His hand softly caresses my hair and his soothing words in my ear help slow the onslaught of tears. I pull away slightly and wipe my tear soaked face on the sleeve of my sweater.
“I miss her so much.” I stare at the stone before me as old memories flash before my eyes. Being pregnant, holding her for the first time, her first steps, her toothless smile when she’d say momma, and her sad eyes when she was sick. I clench my eyes shut and shake my head clearing my mind of those memories.
“She was so tired of being sick. She’d ask me over and over again to take her pain away, but I couldn’t.” I sob, recalling the hardest moments of my life.
As much as I’ve tried to forget, I can’t. The memories bring me physical pain. It’s as if someone’s taken an icepick and jammed it into my ribcage. I have to clutch my chest and rub the hollow ache away.
“I watched helplessly as the bright sparkle of her blue eyes dimmed. The treatments drained her, and I watched as my sweet baby girl faded before my eyes. By the end, she knew something was wrong with her. I could see…” I trail off through my tears. Chase pulls me into his arms again and I force myself to keep going. Just get it all out.
