by S. M. Soto
“I could see in her eyes the moment she realized she was sick. I promised her she would be okay…I-I...” I sputter through my tears and bury my face in his chest as more sobs wrack my body. Chases arms tighten around me as the tears show no signs of stopping.
“Why couldn’t it be me?” I sob into his chest as images of my baby girl filter through my head endlessly.
“Why did it have to be her? She was my baby!” I cry as my legs give out. Chase holds me up against him before he sits down on the damp grass, with me in his lap, cradling me tightly against his chest. My sobs turn into a stuttering hiccup and my tears finally dry up.
Chase gently rocks me back and forth like a baby, placing kisses on top of my head like I’m a broken child. I pick my throbbing head up and force my puffy eyes open to stare at him. His arctic eyes soften as he gazes at me. He brushes stray strands of hair behind my ear all the while staring at me intently. I breathe in deeply still feeling shaky from all the crying.
“Sorry,” I croak with a nod of my head. “Can we come back tomorrow to see everyone else? I’m not sure how much more I can handle today.”
Chase nods his head, “Of course. Let’s get you home.” He places a soft kiss on my forehead before helping me stand. We walk hand in hand to the rental car in comfortable silence. Chase helps me in safely before closing my door. Instead of hopping in the drivers seat he rummages in the back seat looking for something.
“Turn the heat on, I’ll be right back.”
Before I can say anything, he closes the door and walks back toward Rosie’s headstone. I furrow my brows in confusion. Chase stands there staring before he takes a few steps closer. I see his lips start moving like he’s talking to someone. I adjust myself to get a better view of him. He kneels and places a gentle hand on the heart headstone. His lips continue moving, he looks like he’s having a one-sided conversation, and my heart starts to flutter at the sight. Chase stands to his full height, placing something over the headstone. Before leaving he adjusts the flowers we brought to her grave. I sit back stunned by what I just watched. No words leave my mouth as he gets in the car, and takes off. I fumble with what to say.
“What, uh, what was that back there?” I turn toward him as he drives back to my old place. He glances at me out of the corner of his eye.
“I was introducing myself.”
I scrunch my brows together. What?
“She has a right to know who I am. I told her how much her mother means to me, and how I plan on taking care of her for the rest of my life.”
Something warm swirls through my body, and tears sting my eyes. Except they aren’t my normal sad tears…they’re happy tears.
“You really did that?”
His blue eyes connect with mine, and the intensity there is electrifying.
“Rosie is an extension of you, therefore, a part of me. She may not be here, but that doesn’t mean I won’t do everything in my power to make her happy and win her approval.”
My eyes pool with tears and an overwhelming wave of emotion. I’ve been so nervous about coming here with Chase; breaking down in front of him, baring myself completely was frightening. Even at my worst, he’s still here to pick me up, and wipe the tears off my face. He’s incredible, just the fact that he had a conversation with my daughter makes me want to break down into a sobbing mess all over again. I’m briefly left wondering why I didn’t come here with him sooner. I’ve needed him all my life, and now that I have him, I can’t even imagine what my life would be like without him. My heart thrums wildly in my chest, and I give him a small watery smile.
“I love you so much, Chase Roland.”
The emotion in my voice is thick and I have to swallow down my tears. This man is more than anything I could have dreamed of.
“I love you too.”
***
Grasping the bouquet of flowers in my hand I summon the strength to kneel and place them on my parent’s headstone. I blow out a puff of air and sit back on my heels running my eyes over their smiling faces in the picture placed in the center of their headstone. I can feel the heat of Chase’s stare on me from his position a few yards away. I clasp my hands in my lap and clear my throat.
“Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.” Silence greets me, but I force myself to keep going anyway.
“I know it’s been a long time since I came to visit, and I’m truly sorry for that. I’m so sorry for everything.” I focus on their smiling faces before me to keep going. “I brought someone with me today. He’s the love of my life, and I wish you were here to meet him.”
I glance back at Chase. Our eyes lock immediately and his lips quirk in a small encouraging smile. The ends of my mouth turn up slowly, and just like that, he’s given me the strength to keep going.
“He hasn’t had it easy either,” I confess. “He’s lost just about everyone he’s ever loved, too. Somehow fate brought me to him. I don’t care how it happened but I do know he’s it for me. One day I’m going to marry that man.” The thought makes me smile and I blow out a deep breath getting serious.
“I blamed myself for everything after the accident. I even tried to give up on life because it was too much.” My voice cracks. “I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing all your faces and… I…I let myself drown in my guilt. Wishing everyday it could’ve been me, instead of you guys. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to move forward with that man standing behind me–but I’m so scared,” I whisper. “I’m so scared I’ll lose you all again. Memories of you are all I have left. So, I ask that you help me. Please,” Tears slip past my eyelids and my lip quivers. “Because I don’t want to do this without you guys anymore.”
After I finish speaking to my parents, I move onto my little brother and sister. Kneeling in the damp grass I smile fondly at the pictures on their headstone.
“Wherever you guys are, I want you to know every day that passes there’s not one second I don’t think about the both of you. I miss you more than I ever thought possible.” I wipe away my tears wrapping it up. “Please take care of Rosie for me. You know she’s always loved you guys.” I smile through my tears and stand up, letting Chase know I’m ready.
We’re scheduled to leave tomorrow. The house will be boxed up, with my remaining things shipped off to San Diego, and then will be on the market for rent. My aunt and uncle made us promise to visit as often as possible, and they promised to do the same. After finally visiting my family, I feel lighter than I’ve felt in a long time—like I can actually breathe without the huge weight sitting atop my chest. It still hurts. God, does it hurt, but I know deep down they’re in a better place.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
“You ready for this?” I mumble sleepily with my head on top of Chase’s bare chest back in his bed. My naked body is flush against his as his fingertips trail lightly up and down my back.
“What exactly?” His deep voice vibrates my entire body.
“Moving in together. Looks like that huge master bedroom will finally have some use.”
His chest rumbles beneath my ear with a chuckle.
“I’m more than ready. I’ve waited for you my whole life, that’s why I never had use for this room…before I met you.” He kisses my head softly and a huge goofy smile spreads across my face. We lay snuggled together in silence, with me tracing patterns over his sculpted abs. His chest rumbles beneath my head indicating he’s still very much awake.
“Tell me about her.” His voice is strong, yet quiet. A small nostalgic smile curls at the corners of my lips.
“What do you want to know?”
“Anything you want to tell me,” he replies.
Fond memories jump to the forefront of my mind all at once. Even though I was given so little time with my daughter, I have a lifetime of memories that will last me forever. I smile at one memory in particular; it’s one of my favorites.
“Growing up one of my favorite movies to watch was The Wizard of Oz, I remember the first time I showed it to h
er, watching her little face light up was the most incredible thing I’ve ever experienced. She would watch it over and over, like it got better each time it played. It was the sweetest thing. Her favorite song was Somewhere Over the Rainbow. God Chase…if you could’ve heard her try to sing the song it would’ve melted your heart. She was incredible.” I smile fondly at the memory of her chubby little face turning red as she tried to hold the notes.
“Every night before bed she would beg me to sing the song with her, until eventually it became our nightly routine.”
Flashes of Rosie and I snuggled in bed together singing cause my heart to constrict in pain. What would she be like if she was still here? What would her favorite song be now? I sniffle, holding back the tears so I can finish.
“She refused to sleep unless she was in bed with me singing her song. Sometimes, I swear I can still hear her singing it to me.”
“She sounds beautiful.” Chase squeezes my body tighter against his and kisses the top of my head firmly. His lips linger there, not letting up, and I melt into him.
“Can you tell me about him?” My heart races in my chest as I wait for Chase to react. The subject of his little brother is always a hard one—something he refuses to talk about, but I want to know everything there is to know about this man and his family.
He clears his throat, “My little brother was like my shadow. He would follow me everywhere, copy my every move, and do anything he could to be just like me. I got a kick out of it—felt important.” He exhales, and I squeeze him tightly, bringing him closer to me. He doesn’t say anything more, but he doesn’t need to. I know what Chase wants is redemption—to feel worthy of the life he’s been given. Little does he know, he got that redemption a long time ago, he’s too blindsided to see it. The support of our bodies wrapped around each other’s is enough to make the pain of our loss bearable. I nuzzle into him further, quickly falling asleep to my favorite sound. The thumping beat of his heart.
The next morning I’m woken by what sounds like banging and the tearing of cardboard boxes.
What the hell is going on?
I grumble in irritation when I see Chase’s side of the bed is empty.
What the hell is he up to now?
I toss the comforter off my legs in a huff and hurry out of the room in search of Chase. When I do find him surrounded by boxes overflowing with items, I scratch my head in confusion, furrowing my brows.
“Chase?”
His head whips around and his eyes brighten when he sees me standing in the archway of the living room. That look alone can make any woman on this earth feel like she’s ‘The One.’
“Sorry, babe. Didn’t mean to wake you, I was just trying to go through some of my family’s stuff that was in the spare bedroom. Most of it is picture albums and shit like that. I think everything else is in storage.” He gestures to the pile of albums and picture frames he has stuffed in one of the old frayed boxes. I perk up at the idea of looking at old photographs of Chase’s family.
It’s still hard for us to share details of our families, more so for him because he didn’t have the best family, but we’re working on it. Last night was an exceptional breakthrough, for the both of us, especially now that I’ve agreed to move in with him. I want to fill our home with pieces of us both; including pictures, and all sorts of memorabilia of our late families. I practically skip across the living room, plopping down next to him.
We sift through the contents in the boxes for most of the morning. I continue to marvel at the beauty of his parents. They made a beautiful couple, it’s just sad that everything came to an ugly ending for them all. Placing the frame of his smiling family down, I pick up a dusty old photo album. Sweeping off a thick layer of dust, the particles tickle my nose and scratch my throat, forcing me to cough dramatically.
“Jesus, Chase, how old is this thing?” I cough again and wipe the remnants of dust on my hand against the shirt I’m wearing.
“I think those are older pictures of my mom’s side of the family,” he says with a chuckle as he eyes the old album.
I don’t know much about Chase’s family, but what I do know about his mother is she was a spoiled rich girl who cut all contact with her parents when they wouldn’t give her what she wanted. From the sounds of it, his mother was always a bitch, probably because she was an only child—giving me the distinct impression she was probably at fault for her own divorce.
I lift the cover of the album trying to be as delicate as possible. The album looks so vintage, with frayed edges and yellowing pages. The first set of pictures warm my heart, bringing a smile to my face. The photos are black and white of a happy couple. A handsome man dressed in a navy uniform with his arm wrapped firmly around a beautiful blonde woman. Her beauty is absolutely stunning. I can’t tell what color her eyes were from the photos but they clearly sparkle giving me the impression that the man standing next to her made her extremely happy. My eyes linger on the man in the navy uniform, he looks like one of those old-time actors—even better looking than Cary Grant or James Dean.
I continue flipping through the album smiling at the evolution of the couple’s relationship. They were so obviously in love my heart constricts within the confines of my chest. After flipping past a whole page dedicated to them kissing I turn to the next page and freeze. The air whooshes out of my lungs and my eyes widen at the photo before me.
Oh. My. God.
I urgently tap Chase on the shoulder, nudging the album into his hands. He fumbles with the frame in his hands dropping it to get a better grip on the album I’m shoving into his hands.
“Who is this?” I repeatedly point my finger at the photo, my movements frantic, like a crazy woman. Chase stares down at the photograph intently with furrowed brows.
“That’s my grandmother and grandfather. My mom was estranged from her parents, her choice not theirs, so I never really had a relationship with them.” His blue eyes lift to my widened ones and I lick my dry lips.
Holy shit.
“So you’re telling me that she’s your grandmother, and he’s your grandfather?” I point to each of their faces to make my point and Chase frowns at me again.
“Yeah. Why?” He asks hesitantly. I know he’s thinking the worst right now, like we’re probably related in some sick twisted way or something. I run a shaky hand over my hair, trying to calm my nerves. Blowing out a deep breath, I clear my throat, and point to the man in the photograph.
“That’s Arthur, Chase.”
It takes him a minute to comprehend what I’ve just said. His eyes flash to mine in shock, then they narrow and he shakes his head slightly.
“But my grandfather’s name was Maxwell...” He trails off as if he’s in some deep binding thought. I stare at his deepening frown line waiting impatiently for him to say something. Anything.
“Fuck.” He mumbles as he looks back up at me. “My grandfather’s name was Maxwell Arthur Walker, and my grandmother’s name was Patricia. I think everyone called her Patty.”
I release a shaky breath and my chest tightens. My heart pounds wildly and I smile through trembling lips. Covering my mouth with a trembling hand I turn to Chase who looks equally shocked. With tears now clouding my vision I stare back down at the photo again. Vivid green eyes smile back at me knowingly from the picture of Mr. Walker and his wife. The photo must have been taken before she passed. It’s the only photo in the entire album that isn’t black and white. Chase grips my hand in his, squeezing tightly and I shift my eyes to his. My heart pounds to a different beat when he looks at me, making my insides tingle. I briefly close my eyes, sending a silent thank you to Mr. Walker for dropping me into the arms of his grandson.
Chapter Forty
Two years later.
Sitting on the edge of the bathtub I blow out a deep breath and wipe the loose hairs out of my face. The rings on my left finger catch my eye, giving me pause. A smile tips the corners of my lips and an overwhelming wave of emotion consumes me. It’s been a year and a
half since I married the man of my dreams. Chase Roland.
We got married on La Jolla beach, turning our memories of beaches into ones of happiness instead of pain. The ceremony was small, with only our closest friends and family in attendance; it was beautiful, intimate, and perfect. The beach was lit by tiki-torches, and further highlighted by the setting sun. Chase rented out the Marine Room for our reception, and the view of the water crashing against the windows all night was amazing.
Alex was Chase’s best man, and I can honestly say I’ve never seen him look more proud. Natalia and Sam were both, of course, my maids of honor, there was no way I could decide who to choose, so they both filled the position—quite well I might add. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Samantha cry as hard as she did on my wedding day. I was so sure it would be Natalia, the nurturer of our group, but nope—Sam was the weeper. My wedding was truly one of the best days of my life. I can’t believe it’s already been a year and a half which brings me to the present.
I hold the stick between my fingers and try to make sense of what I’m seeing. The last three weeks I’ve felt like actual crap. I’ve been tired, moody and extremely horny. Not that Chase has been complaining. I missed my last period and decided to take a test. I knew the chances of me being pregnant were pretty slim but it still didn’t hurt to try, right? And now I’m sitting here with a positive pregnancy test in my hands. My heart is racing and I don’t know how to feel.
Being married to Chase has been a dream come true but being with someone you love and not being able to start a family with them is…upsetting. I just can’t believe this is actually happening. I didn’t even know you could get pregnant with your tubes tied. I mean, I knew there was a slight chance but not for someone like me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy. Extremely happy. But I’m also worried. What if something goes horribly wrong? Or worse?
I stand up on shaky legs and head out of the bathroom looking for Chase. I don’t find him anywhere in our bedroom or on the balcony so I continue my search. I go down stairs and find him standing on the deck in the back. He’s leaning against the railing drinking a beer looking out at the ocean. I know he’s thinking about his little brother and my heart goes out to my beautiful man. I slide the patio door open and walk over to him. Wrapping my arms around his middle I lay my cheek against his back, feeling comfort in his scent.
