Splintered Lives

by Carol Holden

  There is a gentle knock on the door and Mrs Menon brings me a cup of tea.

  “Have a bit of toast with the tea and you will feel better.” She says with a look of great sadness on her face.

  “I will, thank you.” I reply and then I feel so thoughtless that all the family feel exactly as I do, and I am languishing in bed whilst they are coping by doing everyday things.

  After drinking the tea and eating one bite of the toast, I shower and dress and join the others in the sitting room.

  The cremation has to be arranged, Taj will be placed on a pyre and his ashes scattered on the river Bagmati. This river eventually flows into the river Ganges, the holiest river for the Hindu people

  All Pokhara is devastated by the tragedy and some of the families have also lost love ones. There are foreign tourists and back-packers lost and officials are involved in informing the next of kin. I need to let my family know and I try to find a way to contact Mark, who may be able to get back to me soon.

  A guide in the village knows the route that Mark and his friends have taken. By taking a different path he can perhaps waylay them, meeting them at a point where they will be able to retrace their steps back to Pokhara.

  The strangeness of the time, the sadness of the place makes me long for Mark to be with me. I know that he is a sensitive boy, who will support me.

  Sahida tells me the school is closed for a day or two, until the cremations of all the victims are completed. I try to keep myself busy helping the Menon family but I know that soon I will have to return to my cottage in the village.

  I don’t know how I survived the day of the cremation of Taj. I did not understand what was happening but I followed Sahida across the river from the Pashupatinath Temple with all the other women of the funeral party. The Temple is only open for the men and I was told that the priest said that one of the central aims of Hinduism is the stability and the welfare of the world. The four stages of man, the student, the householder, the forest recluse and the wandering holy man, had been cut off for Taj, as he was a young man who had not completed the first two. He said some other words I did not understand; in fact I didn’t understand any of it and felt my legs go from under me as I fainted.

  Mrs Menon took my arm and gently let me to the car and helped me into it. I was glad to get away from the funeral rites, as I felt afraid and uneasy. I also felt nauseous. She gave me a drink of water she had in the car and I told her I was fine and for her to go back to the River, where the ceremony was being held. I sat quietly in the car and thought that the dead live on in all of us. I remember my grandmother dying and yet I thought of her all the time because I loved her. Taj will live on in me, a conjoined love always present, I know that he will live within me, all the days of my life.

  After the ceremony I asked Dr Menon if he would take me back to my cottage in the village. I felt I was an embarrassment to them and I wanted to be alone. I sneaked in to the door and curled myself up on the bed. I felt as if I had done something wrong. I remember the night of Mark’s party and the bleakness of the forever I shall have to face now, without my lover. I miss the smile upon his face; I miss the love and care he always showed to me, I miss the laughter and the committed love he gave to me. How will I live on in this world without him?

  Chapter 10

  Mark has been contacted and he is here knocking at my door. I crawl out of bed and he hugs me as he enters the room.

  “My God Sarah what has happened to you, I’ve never seen you look so ill.” He says.

  “I haven’t slept or eaten since Taj’s funeral and I feel so dreadful that I just want to die.” I sob.

  Mark holds me close and pats my back gently, trying to console me. I think this is not right; I should not be putting my eighteen-year-old Mark through this.

  I wipe my eyes and try to smile. “I bet you are hungry after the trek, I’ll make us a meal and a hot drink.”

  He agrees and we get the paltry supplies together. There is a bit of smoked meat and with vegetables and herbs from the terrace we have the makings of some soup. Mark brews a pot of tea and I start peeling and preparing the vegetables for the soup.

  “I couldn’t believe what I heard about the crash, I had no idea that Taj would be on the plane.” Mark said as he brewed the tea.

  “I don’t know if you knew but Taj and I were very close. We loved each other.”

  I tell Mark.

  “I know, I could see how it was between both of you, when we were here before our trek.” He replies

  He had left his friends to come to me because he didn’t want to spoil their holiday.

  They had wanted to return with him but he felt that they would have been too much for me to cope with, at this bad time. He was right; I just needed someone of my own family.

  The day after Mark’s arrival, Julian from V.S.O., contacted me to say that he was sending a replacement for my job and Joe would bring her the following day and that I was to have some leave with them in Kathmandu. I didn’t want to leave Pokhara. Mark and I had been a walk around the lake and had called in to see the Menons. They were coping by doing the ordinary things they always did, Dr Menon was back in his practice and Mrs Menon was consoling herself by talking of reincarnation, Samsara and Karma. When I left I felt so alone, as I could not enter this strange world of Hinduism.

  Mark took my hand and said,” I will come with you to Kathmandu and stay with you until my friends reach there for our flight home.”

  I was glad of Mark’s support and Julian and Sue’s quiet company. I fretted when I was alone and I felt really ill. The loss of the presence of Taj, as my lover and my friend, devastated me. I could not envisage a life without him. I want to go back to Pokhara because my times with Taj have mostly been there. I want to feel his presence around me; I want to be in my little cottage where some of his things have been left; a shaver, a comb and his boots for walking. I need to be alone for a bit but I know if I go there I shall have to start my job again because there is not room for my replacement teacher and myself.

  It is Mark’s time to return home. Keith and Jack have arrived back from their trek and I see them off at the airport at Kathmandu.

  Mark is still caring for me and I know that I will miss him very much, but his University year starts soon and he has to be home for that.

  “Take care, Sarah”. He smiles as he holds me close and I reply, “I will and you all have a safe journey home.”

  “I will soon be back in England,” I call as they leave me outside of the Airport Departures

  When I arrive back at Julian and Sue’s I ask Julian if he can arrange for me to take up my post again in Pokhara. He agrees and contacts Joe to take me. I am glad to go back and Sahida meets me as Joe delivers me just after the end of the school day. Jill, my replacement, has her things packed and Joe takes her back to Kathmandu. Jill is a competent driver and promises to take the first leg of the trip so that Joe can have a rest before he takes up the wheel again.

  Sahida follows me into the cottage and gives me a sisterly hug. I am so pleased to see her we have always been good friends. She has not censored me for the love I had for her brother and I am happy that she is here to greet me home.

  She has to go down the mountain home and I am left alone. I wander around the small space looking for signs of Taj. I see his boots by the door to the terrace and I take them out there with me, as I remember the lovely walks we had together on our mountain. I find his comb and hug it to my heart. The floodgates of tears start then and I cry and rock myself until the exhaustion gives way to a troubled sleep.

  The morning is bright and I know that I have to meet the day as best I can. I have to start school and my neighbour’s boy is waiting outside my door.

  He takes my hand and says in his broken English “How are you feeling Miss?

  I smile wanly and say. “I’m fine”. We meander up the mountain to the school where he leaves me to join his friends

  The day seems long but I find that the childre
n are especially good for me as if they know of my sadness.

  Chapter 11

  Unknown to me, my parents have received a telephone call from Mark, before he left Kathmandu. He feels that his Aunt Sarah is not fit to be left alone and that she needs his grandparents.

  He knows that I am unwell and suspects that I may be fretting my life away.

  They receive the call at 2.00am and are frantic at the news. Their thoughts were in chaos as Joe, my father made Mary, my mother, calm down. He put the kettle on for a cup of tea, as she wailed, “What can we do?” “Sarah, is at the other end of the world, where she has lost the man she loves, in an air crash”

  Joe arranged things as quickly as possible. He phoned the airport and was given details of how they could reach their destination. It was to be an arduous journey. The shuttle to Heathrow, then a flight to Delhi with an onwards flight to Kathmandu. After that they would have to take the small plane to Pokhara or arrange a lift by road. The village would have to be reached by a four- wheel drive vehicle

  Mark had asked Julian to arrange to meet Sarah’s parents to give them some respite before their tackling the journey to Pokhara. The little airport had been closed because of the crash and the alternative method of travel was time consuming. Julian hoped that the airport would have re-opened by the time Joe and Mary arrived.

  There was a thick fog in Kathmandu the following morning because of all the pollution and the plane was delayed. The troubled parents had to wait endlessly for the air to clear before the plane could take flight. Eventually it was time to take to the air and the white mountaintops stood magnificently over the lower greener hills and the beauty of the place enthralled Joe and Mary.

  “If only we had come before “, mutters Joe almost to himself.

  “I can’t believe the splendour of it all,” says Mary, as she feels sad because of the circumstances of their journey.

  “Sarah must love it here” she whispers to Joe. “Perhaps not any more because of her loss of Taj

  They arrive at the airfield and as they step off the plane they feel the immensity of the tragedy. They stand close together as if their nearness will protect them from the awful hollow feelings they have. They know no one and the strangeness of the place, makes them feel helpless. There is a taxi outside the airport and they ask the driver if he will take them to a suitable hotel.

  “The only suitable hotel in Pokhara for Western tourists is the Fishtail Lodge” they are told.

  They are taken to the edge of the lake where the boat is tied and a porter from the Lodge helps them to place their luggage into it. They marvel at the surrounding views and begin to understand the enthusiasm of their younger daughter and the love she has for this heavenly place.

  They settle in to their allocated room at the hotel where they quickly freshen up, ready for the next step of their journey. Joe makes his way to the Reception so that he may find some information about the way that they can go up the mountain, to find their lovely daughter. They can hire a four- wheel drive vehicle belonging to the hotel that will take them on their sad journey.

  Sarah had just arrived home from school, where she had tried to keep her thoughts on the work she was doing with the children but was having little success. Her class was aware of her unhappiness and had acted with sympathy, giving her gentle smiles and looks.

  There was a gentle tap on her door. She can’t believe her eyes when she sees her parents there on her doorstep.

  “My God.” she cries. “However did you get here, I’m so glad to see you both,” she says as she falls into her parents’ arms and sobs as though her heart will break. Her father gently leads her inside and sits her down with her mother who cannot let her go.

  Joe can see how hard this loss is for Sarah and on no account are they leaving her here on her own. He gathers her few belongings together and ushers Mary and Sarah into the four-wheel drive and they descend the mountain for the last time. He takes them back to the hotel and then contacts Julian to tell him that they are taking Sarah home.

  “May I use your telephone again,” he asks the receptionist at the hotel desk. “I need to book plane tickets to Kathmandu.”

  “Of course” she replies. “I will do it for you if you wish.”

  “Do you want the first flight I can get or would you rather wait until tomorrow?” She asks.

  “Tomorrow will be best so that we can rest before starting on our long journey.” He replies

  “I’ll get on to it and let you know.” She smiles kindly at Joe and proceeds to telephone the airport.

  Joe goes back to the room and he decides that they will stay together for the night as there are two queen size beds in the room and he doesn’t want Sarah to be alone.

  He arranges room service for a meal and they settle down eventually to sleep.

  Mary holding Sarah in her arms until they finally sleep.

  We arrive home after a long journey, exhausted, and after a cup of tea, we fall into bed. My bed has been quickly made up in my old room. I sleep for hours and awake to the sound of the TV BBC news programme. It is six o’clock in the evening and I can’t believe I have slept so long. I shower, dress quickly and go downstairs to find my family. I remember the feel of the house, the sweet smell of citrus my mother uses in the bathroom and the kitchen. I feel the warm ambiance and the softness of the thick carpet, under my bare feet. It’s so good to be home.

  My parents greet me with a smile and a hug. We have always been a demonstrative family, letting each other know that we are loved.

  I can’t act as though I am ill, although I do not feel exactly well. I decide that I will have to find a job and get on with my life. Although at the moment I feel like my life is over.

  We have a couple of days doing very little, just resting and doing the ordinary chores. My father has to go back to work, as he is responsible for a team of men and he goes reluctantly as he does not want to leave us. My mother has retired early so I have company during the day. I start to look for a teaching job in my own town. As there is a shortage of supply teachers, I soon find a position in the next town, which is seven miles away. I start my job teaching English to first formers and I enjoy it very much.

  After a couple of months I begin to get sick every morning and I do not feel well after tea. I visit the doctor and he says that I am pregnant. “Oh my God.” I think.

  But then I rejoice and feel alive for the first time since I lost Taj.

  I have lightness in my step as I arrive home with my news.

  “Mother.” I call out when I step over the doorstep.

  “What is it, love?” My mother asks.

  I run into the house and tell her my news.

  She looks shocked and then she smiles and says she is sure that I will want Taj’s child and that she will help me all she can.

  We make plans, she will child- mind for me so that I can earn a living and bring up my baby. My father will not retire for a number of years and by that time my child will be at school. I know my father has ambitions to travel and perhaps winter in the sun sometimes, and I would hate to spoil their retirement. My mother shrugs my feelings off and says by the time dad retires things may have changed and I may have found someone new. The way I feel now that will not happen. I hug myself and feel comfort that Taj’s child is living in my womb.

  Chapter 12

  Simon is born; he is eight pounds and has the longest eyelashes I have ever seen. As I feed him at my breast I feel the closeness of his father. He has a sprinkling of dark silky hair and I adore him with all my heart. My parents are thrilled with him and my sister loves him on sight.