Manic Pixie Dream Boy

by K. A. Merikan

  Dusk grinned and nuzzled Lolly’s pretty face. “So, are we exclusive now?”

  Lolly licked his lips, crooking his head so his face sank in the shadow again. “Okay.”

  Dusk got up from his knees and pulled him up. “And now you’re gonna go see us play. I hope you’re satisfied enough to not make eyes at anyone else.”

  “I promise I won’t,” Lolly said, hopelessly failing to keep a grin off his face. “Sing for me, and I will reward you later.”

  “Watch me. It will be all for you.” Dusk pressed his lips to Lolly’s, intending to deepen the kiss, but then Mage opened the back door, and the intimate atmosphere was gone.

  “Dusk! Now!”

  “He’s coming, alright,” Lolly said, and Dusk felt a little slap on his butt.

  “Already came.” Dusk chuckled, doing up his belt when he rushed through the door to join Mage.

  It was high time to enter the stage. Dusk reveled in the glow of the spotlight. Even in small clubs like this one, The Underdogs would give their all. If not for the new crowd, then for the five people following them everywhere. The audience here was waiting for the main act of the night, but Dusk would make them remember The Underdogs. If only he was good enough, they’d check them out tomorrow, once they were no longer hungover.

  Today, stepping on stage felt more profound than usual. Dusk managed to get a glimpse of pink hair every now and then, but with all the lights on them, he couldn’t really see Lolly’s face. He could still taste him though, and that gave Dusk all the rocket fuel he needed to play the guitar as if he didn’t care about his nails, and sing as if his throat needed no rest.

  The moth inked on his hand represented his lust for fame and recognition. Tonight, he could sense it flying as they went through their set in front of a responsive audience.

  He might not have seen Lolly, but he could sense his energy in the air—raw and unrestricted by arbitrary rules of society. Lolly was a bird of paradise that graced Dusk with his attention, flying from the sky to rest on Dusk’s shoulder and leaving claw marks that would stay there years after the bright feathers were gone from view. Just knowing that Lolly was watching the performance was feeding Dusk so much energy it pained him to leave the spotlight and sink backstage.

  The club was small, and their audience—while dedicated and eager for personal contact after each gig—limited to a narrow group of people who stumbled upon them online. Dusk wanted more. He wanted Lolly to see him do more. Would he stick around for long enough?

  But any and all worries about still not having achieved stardom evaporated when Lolly’s bright smile greeted Dusk at the lounging area where some beers waited in a cooler.

  “I can see already that you enjoyed the show.” Dusk pulled Lolly under his arm, eager for praise and touch. When Lolly was around, no other guy or girl seemed to matter. His smile was more worthwhile than a thousand subscribers to the band’s newsletter, and when he gestured for Dusk to sit with him on the sofa, when he opened a beer for him, it was all the appreciation Dusk needed.

  Dawn sat on the chair next to them, flushed from the excitement of the gig. While he suffered of too much stage fright to perform with everyone else, as the chief songwriter, he cared very much about how their music was received.

  “That was brilliant, Dusk. You even managed the short bit in falsetto!”

  Dusk took a swig of beer and ruffled Dawn’s hair. “It’s the adrenaline. I want to give everyone the best version of myself, and when they give back the kind of energy today’s crowd did, it’s like I’m flying.”

  Lolly and Dawn went off into a lively conversation about some girl who went crazy during the performance of ‘Blue Guitar’, one of The Underdogs’ most popular songs, but Dusk’s attention moved to Sid, who paced on the other side of the room with his tattooed chest rapidly rising and falling in exasperation. He kept glancing Dusk’s way, as if he didn’t know whether he should interrupt the ongoing conversation, but his tense muscles and tightened fists spoke volumes.

  Dusk excused himself and gave Lolly a quick kiss, but his focus was on Sid. He walked up to him, drinking more beer. “Everything all right? Where’s Mage?”

  Sid stood still and took a breath so deep it seemed the pressure from the inside would crack his ribs. “No. It’s not fucking alright. Mage is out making calls about this, but... I got a fucking unexpected message from that motherfucker Stan,” he said and started tapping his phone.

  “About… what?” Dusk frowned, looking over Sid’s shoulder. “Did we get some gig canceled?”

  “No, it’s much worse. And you could have just fucking gone to the toilet, like everyone else,” Sid hissed before pushing the phone at Dusk.

  At first, Dusk wasn’t sure what he was looking at, but then all blood drained from his face at the headline on The Q-Detective, an LGBTQ-focused gossip website run by Stan.

  Form a line, guys. Looks like Dusk Hill swings both ways!

  What followed was a series of photos that left little to the imagination about what Dusk was doing on his knees, in a dark alley, behind a huge container. A strange tingle covered Dusk’s skin, and he forced out a laugh that even he didn’t believe sounded amused.

  “I was looking for my keys?”

  Sid sneered in answer.

  Chapter 5

  Dusk’s stomach hurt, and he didn’t want any more coffee, regardless of how many times the waitress came over with a pitcher. At 3AM in the diner, he was drained of energy, and seeing Lolly roller skate up and down the aisle wasn’t helping. Dusk wasn’t good at the whole feelings thing, so he couldn’t exactly pinpoint if he was angry about the photos, sad, or anxious. Maybe he just felt guilty?

  He decided apologizing again might help with that. “I’m sorry guys. I know we can turn it around somehow.”

  Dawn leaned over the table and put his hand on Dusk’s, squeezing it gently in silent support, even though since the news broke, he’d been pale as a sheet. Dusk would have considered sparing him the stress, but this was far too big of an issue to sweep under the rug and forget.

  It was all his fault. He hadn’t been able to keep his dick in his pants and now they were in deep shit. How could he ever mend such damage if it brought down the whole band?

  Sid kept playing with a lollipop he’d gotten from Lolly earlier, as if it eased his need to smoke somewhat. “I’m gonna kill that sonofabitch. I’m gonna kill him.”

  Mage looked at him with worried lines on his forehead, but before he could say anything, Lolly skated over and broke the impact by pressing his palms on the tabletop. “Don’t scream at me, but maybe it’s for the better. You guys are all gay—”

  Dawn pointed his finger at Mage, who just exhaled and sank deeper into the seat.

  Dusk frowned and followed in Mage’s footsteps. “And I’m bi. We don’t want to be known as ‘that gay band’.”—He groaned when Dawn let out a deep sigh and pulled away his hand.—“Oh, come on! You know I don’t mean anything bad by it!”

  Lolly tapped his knuckles against the sticky tabletop, making the crumbs of pie left behind by an earlier customer move. “That’s not the point. It’s impossible for you to keep it hidden. If people know, maybe you will get the right kind of fans.”

  Mage scrolled on the computer, and Dusk imagined him refreshing their social media to see any and all angry comments.

  Dusk glanced at Lolly, feeling guiltier by the second. “Yeah, but in an ideal world I was supposed to be the heartthrob, the guy who has the fangirls creating fansites, buying T-shirts, and pillows with my face on it. Now that’s off the table.”

  Sid groaned and shook his head. “Heartthrob, my ass.”

  Lolly frowned. “I’m pretty sure most people know their idols are not readily available for sex and dating. They will want those T-shirts and posters because you’re hot.”

  Dawn gave a slow nod and said nothing, but Sid spread his arms so wide he almost slapped Mage in the face by accident. “Not in my experience. My last band is now out there
, signed with a record label, but I couldn’t be a part of it because I’m gay and they didn’t want to do it with me. You know nothing about this business!”

  Dusk couldn’t stop staring at his brother, who looked as withered as a brown, dry leaf about to fall off the branch. Trying to make the gossip site go away instead of embracing it felt like being the wind about to swoop Dawn to the ground. He’d already kept his own sexuality hush-hush in high school, leaving Dawn to take the brunt of homophobia whenever Dusk and Mage weren’t around to protect him.

  “Lolly does have a point though,” Dusk muttered with less conviction than he would have wished.

  Everyone’s gaze instantly rose to his face, and it felt like being on stage and forgetting the lyrics. Dusk hated to be a disappointment to those he loved.

  “Does he?” Sid asked, sipping his black coffee.

  “You really want to spend your whole professional life as a musician hiding who he is?” Lolly asked, but when Sid turned the murderous glare on him, Lolly skated backwards and sat on the edge of the empty table across the aisle.

  “You’re only saying that because you don’t have anything to lose in this! This is my private life, and no one needs to know what I do or with whom. Not everyone is fine with being seen with a guy! It starts with ‘jokes’ about your dick smelling like ass and ends in people cutting professional ties.”

  This time Dusk reached out for Dawn’s hand and stroked his knuckles despite keeping his gaze on Sid. “At the end of the day, if I come out as bi, you can still keep your life private if you want.”

  Mage took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “It still affects the whole band.”

  “You’re really overthinking it,” Lolly said, staying in safe proximity from Sid’s long arms. “A lot has changed in the past decade. We have out celebrities who have amazing careers. Why couldn’t a band with openly non-straight members make it to the top?”

  “Because the risk is too fucking great!” Sid hissed, but Mage rubbed his shoulder in a calming gesture.

  “There’s no point in discussing it, because this photo is already out there.”

  When Dusk watched Lolly, with the outrageous pink buns, the tattoos, the piercings, what he wanted to do was latch on to him. Make Lolly a part of his life, not publicly denounce him. Would Lolly even forgive him if he did?

  Dawn squeezed back Dusk’s hand. “It’s fine, Dusk. If you wanted to deny it, I wouldn’t hold it against you. I know how hard it is.”

  It was as if he could read Dusk’s mind, and Dusk didn’t like that one bit. He didn’t want to be a let down to the few fans they did have, but not disappointing his brother was much more important. If he claimed the photos were of someone else, made up some stupid excuse or whatever, would he inadvertently communicate to his little brother that being gay was something to hide?

  The mess in Dusk’s brain was getting much too complicated for his liking, so he pulled Lolly into his lap and found comfort in smelling his shirt.

  Lolly yelped in surprise as the ground escaped from under his feet but let Dusk hold him, finally resting his chin on top of Dusk’s head.

  Mage licked his lips, watching them both for the longest time. “But... if people ask, what do we tell them?”

  Having Lolly in his arms was just what Dusk needed to make up his mind. Why should he care if they lost some homophobic fans? Fuck those people sideways. They would work hard and appeal to people who didn’t care about who the band members slept with.

  Dusk raised his eyebrows. “We tell them we’re rock stars, so we fuck who we want.” Saying it out loud made adrenaline flood his whole body, and he didn’t miss the little smile on Dawn’s face.

  Sid’s mouth turned into a pale line, but for once it didn’t spurt any obscenities or angry comments, so that was an improvement. Dusk breathed in Lolly’s scent and just took comfort in the embrace. At the end of the day, none of them truly wanted to hide all their lives. They wanted the rock star life, and that meant that they shouldn’t be putting leashes on their desires.

  His soul seemed to have found peace, but the moment of calm was shattered like thin china pushed off the table when the door of the diner opened and Stan walked in, his silver hair freshly dyed and a big smile on his face, as if he hadn’t so horribly breached Dusk’s and Lolly’s privacy.

  But before anger could truly boil inside Dusk, his gaze transferred to Sid, who sat with his back to the entrance and still had no idea who’d entered.

  Dusk tried to discreetly communicate to Stan that he should leave. Now. No matter how furious Dusk was with the fucker, the last thing they needed on top of this photo disaster was Sid getting arrested for murder.

  But it was too late.

  “You motherfucker!” Sid bellowed, making the waitresses stiffen behind the counter.

  Chapter 6

  The world sped up.

  Sid’s body twisted, and before anyone could stop him, he stepped on the seat and crossed to the empty booth next door, rushing toward Stan like a man possessed.

  “Fuck, no!” Mage hissed, following him at neck-breaking speed. Before Abe knew what was going on, Dusk swept him off his lap and ran, grabbing Sid by the waist just as he crashed into Stan.

  “You sick fuck! I’m gonna break your neck and leave you for the vultures,” screamed Sid, and he’d have grabbed Stan’s shirt if Stan hadn’t managed to lean back at the last second.

  “I… don’t understand,” Stan said and took another step back.

  Dusk frowned at him. “The fuck are you doing here? You’re a fucking paparazzi now? I thought we had an agreement!”

  “What fucking agreement?” Sid hissed, and Dusk wouldn’t have managed to hold him back if it wasn’t for Mage.

  “Doesn’t matter, but he owes me, and this is what he does?”

  Stan frowned. “I thought you’d be happy! I did it for you!”

  “How can this do us any good, huh?” Mage asked, still acting more or less composed, but his fists kept balling up and relaxing. Abe stayed at the table with Dawn, who watched the whole thing with an unreadable expression.

  Stan pulled up his backpack and quickly took out his laptop. “Have you even seen the comments?”

  “What comments? We have no new traffic at the website.”

  Stan rolled his eyes and pushed past the guys, who made no effort to stop him as he took Sid’s place. “It’s not your website that counts. It’s making rounds on social media, and you already have a tag on Tumblr. You guys have a different profile than most other bands with openly gay members. It can boost your visibility.”

  Dusk followed Stan, still remaining a human wall between him and Sid. “What fucking tag?”

  Dawn leaned closer to look over Stan’s shoulder, and Abe was quick to do the same, only to see a big fat picture of his own smiling profile in one of the comments. The photo was blurry but the distortion left no doubts as to who it depicted. The photo must have been taken at tonight’s concert. Underneath, an onslaught of squees and enthusiastic comments, some of which were outright pornographic, flooded the page.

  OMG, so cute. No wonder Dusk’s gone gay for him.

  I’d go straight for him, y’all.

  Just listened to some of their tracks and they’re pretty good. Don’t like how you’re outing him like that. Shouldn’t we be past that kind of crap and let people make their own decisions about when they’re ready to come out?

  Abe straightened his back, creeped out that someone singled him out in the crowd at the concert even more than by the post-BJ picture.

  “I’m not a public figure. Why is this up?” he asked, somewhat nervous. People stalking him because of a brief association with an indie rock band was the last thing he needed in his life.

  From Tumblr, they moved to a shockingly pink and blue website called The Q-Detective. The logo, depicting a topless hunk who wore a deerstalker cap and held a magnifying glass in hand, was self-explanatory. The Q-Detective was just one of the endless stream of gossi
p sites, albeit with an LGBT angle. And now it screamed of an ‘LGBTQ-friendly’ rock band on its opening page.

  Despite the overall enthusiasm under the article featuring the photo Stan had sneakily taken, a number of comments were by actual fans and mentioned the music played by The Underdogs, particularly their most melodic song, Weeping Willow, which was already being eviscerated and newly interpreted by rabid posters, even though it was Dawn who wrote it, not Dusk.

  “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is bad.” Dusk slammed his palms against the table, becoming one more person to crowd over Stan’s computer.

  “No, Dusk. This is great.” Stan clicked through a few more pages of comments. “People are talking about you. I tried to tease about you guys on the site, but people who don’t know the band wouldn’t click on the article without incentive. I gave them one, and now my readers want to know where your next gig is. They want a queer rock star to adore.”

  “Like Lenny Kravitz, but gay?” Abe asked, still sour about his image being plastered all over the internet.

  Stan grinned, as if there was nothing illicit about the whole situation. “Precisely. Your music is fantastic. All you guys need is for a label to pick you up. And you can get there by having the right gimmick.”

  “Their sexuality is not a gimmick,” hissed Mage in exasperation, but Stan just waved him off.

  “It’s the right time. People want to see positive images of queer people. Pair that with the music and enough money for promo, and boom, you’re at the top of the charts.”

  Sid looked as if smoke was about to come out of his ears. “Shut the fuck up! Who are you even to tell us what we should do, or decide for Dusk when he should come out?” He looked around. “Can no one else see just how wrong this is?”

  Dusk stroked Abe’s shoulder, pulling him out of his stupor. “I mean… I guess it is a bit shit, but if it works, then—”

  Sid crossed his arms. “A bit shit?”

  “What if it actually works? Wouldn’t you be happy?” Dawn asked in a soft voice.