Just Here for the Pain_gay rocker BDSM romance

by K. A. Merikan

  “I did. It’s going to stay there, isn’t it?”

  “Yes. Even if it gives me gangrene.” Sid smiled into another kiss as Asher dragged his fingers along his arms, this time not to cause pain, but to massage it out.

  Asher laughed against his lips before biting into them just hard enough to send a spark of trained pleasure to Sid’s dick. “Yeah. Only I am allowed to remove it.”

  “Ash…” Sid swallowed, confused by the hellish mix of pain, sensitivity and arousal. “No one’s ever taken care of me the way you do.”

  Asher’s breath trembled, his forehead bumping Sid’s gently. “That’s because…” His eyes briefly escaped the hold of Sid’s gaze.

  “I belong with you?” Sid ignored the voice at the back of his head that screamed ‘needy!’ and kissed Asher’s lips. It was as if the gesture was the flint that set Asher on fire. Grunting loudly, he rolled Sid flat to his back, causing the bruised, abused buttocks to rub against the covers.

  Sid’s thoughts were a whirlwind that sucked him closer and closer to Asher until the pull was so strong he could no longer resist. His thighs opened, letting Asher in.

  “Yes…you’re mine now.”

  Sid nodded, shocked at how true that was. “I’ve been taking care of myself for so long that I forgot how it feels.” The words were raw with honesty on Sid’s tongue, but he wanted—needed—Asher to know just how much he appreciated what he was being given.

  Asher watched him for the longest moment, but in the end he reached to the bedside table, producing a small metal box with a combination lock. His fingers trailed over the six rotating discs, lingering for a whole second before he started turning them to unlock the tiny safe.

  Sid leaned in, resting his cheek against Asher’s shoulder as he opened the lid, revealing a collection of what looked like personal memorabilia. There was a torn bracelet of leather straps and beads, a feather, black kohl that had only been used halfway, a long metal earring with a skull dangling at the end.

  And Polaroids.

  Cold spikes entered Sid’s flesh as he watched Asher pick up the photos and present them to him. The pictures were badly lit, somewhat yellow in appearance, but they pulled him right back to a world that had been very different for him seven years ago. It was back when he wasn’t afraid of having naked pictures taken, before the betrayal of Crash Landing. Before he even met Dusk, Dawn, or Mage.

  He’d changed. The guy in the picture appeared younger, more innocent even though his lifestyle had been so much less comfortable than it was now. Back then, his hair had been orange, and he’d liked wearing striped bondage pants that he’d now consider silly. In the photo, however, he was naked except for jewelry, his meager arm around Asher’s shoulders as they kissed for the camera.

  And while Sid had definitely grown, filled out somewhat from eating better food and getting more sleep, Asher was barely recognizable in the Polaroid. Seven years ago, he’d been a skinny emo boy with black hair obscuring one of his eyes and an innocent face that had since matured. The collection of photos showed them fooling around, eating Sid’s signature pasta dish, having—what he then thought—inconsequential fun that ended up with so many unexpected consequences.

  Asher nuzzled Sid’s ear gently, putting the photos back into the box once he looked through them all. “There were days when this really kept me going. I want to give the same thing to you.”

  Sid stared back at him, choked up and overcome by a wave of emotion that threatened to pull him off the ground, along with the roots that he managed to grow into his chosen lifestyle.

  Asher cupped his cheeks and ground his hips against Sid. His dick was already stiffening next to Sid’s flesh, hot and hard as it grew in response to the touch. It was as if Asher’s scent had suddenly become more intense too, sneaking its way around him like physical touch.

  Asher caught Sid’s gaze again, his eyes glinting with an intensity that could have physically set Sid on fire. “I don’t want this to end once the tour starts.”

  The relief flooding Sid’s body was like an orgasm in itself. So he didn’t have to ask. “Me neither,” he whispered eagerly. “I’ve been meaning to say that, but we don’t have a new bus yet, and I wasn’t sure…” He wrapped his arms around Asher, feeling as fragile as a bird. He’d always considered himself strong, with unbreakable walls around himself, and yet Asher had somehow sneaked into his heart without breaking him down.

  Asher smiled back at him, but it was different from the handsome expressions he shared with the whole world. It was as if all the tension had melted away from around his eyes and mouth, leaving him looking younger, like the eighteen-year-old eager to have sex for the first time, whom Sid had met seven years ago. “Then that’s what we’re gonna do. You like my company. Why would I go, right?”

  “Exactly. I don’t even know anymore why I stressed out about it so much.” Sid grinned back and gave him another kiss, more elated by the second. “Let’s do this. You give me everything I need.”

  Asher’s breath caught, and he watched Sid for several seconds, suspended in the air as if time moved in slow motion. For the briefest moment it seemed that a shadow passed over the handsome face, but then Asher dove to the bedside table and returned with lube. His fingers entered Sid fast, cold and slick yet they were not enough, not quite what Sid needed.

  Sid groaned, encouraging Asher in whispers, telling him just how much he wanted to be close. The kisses got more heated, teeth biting at tongues, lips nipping skin, but when Sid begged for more than fingers, Asher hesitated, even though he was flushed and jittery.

  “Gonna get the rubbers,” he whispered, pulling away.

  “No,” Sid grabbed his arm. “Can we do bare?” His face flushed when he said it, but he caught Asher’s gaze and wouldn’t let go. “I only have you.”

  Hesitation only lasted half a second. Asher pushed up Sid’s thighs, again dragging Sid’s ass over the covers in the process, but the discomfort only enhanced the dull need inside Sid. Grabbing at each other, they connected in a fierce kiss, and by the time Asher plunged his way inside, Sid wasn’t even certain if they remained horizontal. His head spun as he clung to his lover, carried on the waves of relief, and pleasure, and feelings he never thought he’d develop.

  He’d spent years behind his walls only to now realize he should have been more open to Asher. But there was no use pondering the past. Maybe he just hadn’t been ready. Maybe he’d needed to grow into this.

  Sid hugged Asher tightly, giving up his body to the fucking, and he couldn’t wait to be filled with Asher’s spunk. His nipple throbbed around the fresh piercing, and that was how his whole body felt. Aching, but accepting of the new presence inside that would never be replaced.

  Breath was a precious commodity as they moved together, sharing the same oxygen until they both became lightheaded, moving rapidly in the sheets. The continuous thrusting had Sid curling his toes and holding on, as if he’d drown in the mattress and die without Asher’s arms around him.

  The orgasm came when Asher pressed his fingers hard into Sid’s bruised and battered ass, reminding him who smacked Sid with a whip before and left that mark. The sensation made Sid fall apart in Asher’s arms. Coming. Crying. Babbling a mix of unintelligible dirty sweetness. Asher finishing inside his body was just the cherry on top Sid needed.

  Still floating on the calm waves after the storm, he curled his limbs around Asher, keeping him close on top, so that he could feel the entire weight of his lover’s solid form. Ragged breathing accompanied the laziness of afterglow like the sweetest music, but it was when Asher turned his head to bite into Sid’s neck that the spell was broken.

  Laughter filled the bedroom with its warm, pleasant tone, and Sid stretched out, so completely relaxed that his muscles felt like overcooked noodles.

  He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this…happy. Nothing would go wrong now. They would go on tour, do their thing, hang out with friends, and care for each other.

  Shit.
That meant he needed to get Asher something for Christmas. And birthdays. When was Asher’s birthday?

  He’d find out.

  All would be fine.

  Chapter 15

  The crowd of fans surrounding the tour bus was the last thing Sid needed on the launch morning of the tour. He wasn’t the type of guy who planned everything to a ‘T’ himself, but Lolly and Dusk broke all records with the spontaneous ‘signing’ event they announced on their couple Instagram without telling the rest of the band about it. Granted, the parking lot was mostly empty, so it wasn’t like their fans were blocking anyone’s way, but that would still have been the least of their problems.

  Abra hid in the back of the bus like a shy cat forced into, not only a new environment, but also a crowd of strange people. It made Sid feel so protective he was left to keeping his fists in check, even though he wanted to unleash his anger on everything around him, the fans included.

  Mage was standing next to Dawn as if he were his personal bodyguard, though Sid was surprised Dawn wasn’t hiding away with Abra. Maybe regardless of all the jokes Sid and Dusk were making, Dawn has actually made some progress in terms of his shyness? That didn’t make things any less chaotic though, and despite the ache in his muscles, Sid forced himself to sign a girl’s tour T-shirt. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the attention The Underdogs were getting, since that was what they’d worked so hard for, but he wasn’t exactly a people person. He didn’t want to fall into a fake smiley persona, but didn’t want to be nasty to these fantastic people who loved their music either. At this point, the situation left him confused and just going with the flow.

  They didn’t get a new bus in the end, but it had been decided that Sid would be traveling with Asher and his mobile office of two computers and some other electronics that he needed to effectively work on the go. Sid was so undecided on that one. It was weird to leave his band, miss out on new inside jokes, and not be a part of it all in the same way he used to be, and yet this opportunity to spend even more time with Asher, chatting or listening to music in comfortable silence, made something inside him tingle with heat.

  He looked away when the fan moved on to Dawn and Mage, and his gaze sought out Asher, who winked at him from where he stood next to his car. He shut the trunk and moved Sid’s way casually.

  The butterflies in his stomach wouldn’t give it a rest, and seemed to poke at the freshly pierced nipple from the inside, reminding Sid that he’d let Asher put it in place. He’d let Asher do so many crazy things to him, and had loved every minute of it. They’d been considering mummification lately but decided that wouldn’t be something worth pursuing until they were back at home again. Sid hadn’t even noticed when they’d both started calling Asher’s mansion that, but he didn’t mind one bit. What else could he think of the place where he lived with a man who was ready to go to extreme lengths to make him happy, where he was safe, and nourished, and where even his sister felt at ease?

  “What about you, Sid?” asked a voice that came out of the bubble that only involved him and Asher.

  Sid glanced at the young guy in front of him and reflexively signed a postcard Lolly had designed for their online store. It already had been autographed by everyone else, most prominently Lolly and Dusk, who seemed to have a couple’s signature now, with a tiny drawing interwoven between the letters.

  “Huh?” Sid zeroed in at the skinny teen with dark circles under his eyes and so much metal on his wrists one could mistake the bracers for weights.

  “Are you single?”

  Sid blinked again. “I er…what?”

  “Come on, some of us really want to know,” asked a girl with pink hair, peeking out from behind the guy with a wild smile. She was flushed and wore what looked like last night’s makeup, so she must have come here straight from some kind of party after seeing “Dully’s” Instagram post. Sid hated to be a disappointment to people so dedicated, but he wasn’t comfortable with private questions either.

  The warm palm sliding across his back struck fire to his skin even through clothes.

  He slid away an inch to let Asher know he didn’t want affection in public. “I’m on a break from…things right now,” he said and winked at them, hoping that they’d make up their own meaning to this answer, because he sure as hell had no idea what he was communicating.

  “Maybe you just need a little rebound,” chattered the girl. “You into girls? Boys? Both?”

  Asher remained uncomfortably close, and Sid didn’t dare look his way, even though his skin tingled where they almost touched. The way some of the gossip-hungry gazes drifted to Asher wasn’t making Sid any more comfortable.

  “Babe, I’m into things that would make your hair bristle.” He grinned and signed another postcard.

  “Hey, you’re that guy from Q-detective, aren’t you?” the skinny boy asked excitedly, pointing at Asher. “Will there be more stuff about The Underdogs coming on the site?”

  Asher let out a brilliant laugh, and his hand rested on Sid’s shoulder. “There’s definitely more to come. Follow the band and follow the site, and maybe soon you’ll find out something you don’t expect.”

  The guy gasped, and his eyes got wide as saucers. “Are Dully getting married?”

  The pink-haired girl looked between Asher and Sid. “Oh my god, they are, aren’t they. Vegas? Will they alert us on time so we can be there?”

  Asher smirked, and his hand squeezed Sid’s shoulder harder. “Something even more interesting.”

  Asher wasn’t outing them, was he? Sid needed to intervene before things got too heated. “My lips are sealed. Maybe go ask Dusk about it?”

  As soon as he said that, he slipped away from under Asher’s hand and started walking toward the Tesla. He hoped Asher would follow, because Sid needed to get a word alone with him.

  The heavy footsteps didn’t offer him much consolation. They hadn’t spoken about this, so what was this teasing?

  “It’s a bit too much for you? All those people?” Asher inquired, catching up with Sid.

  “No, you are being too much. What’s with all the touchy-feely?” he said in a lowered voice, but it came out harsher than he’d wished.

  Asher went quiet, and with Sid looking down, all he saw was the broad chest expanding and relaxing slowly.

  “Touchy-feely?”

  “I mean…it’s different when we’re at a bar or something, but these people here, they’ve all got their phones out, filming everything.”

  “So what?”

  Sid spread his arms in exasperation, still trying to keep it down because of the onlookers. “I’m not ready to be all out there about us. I know no one would mind, and we’ve got fan support, but I’d rather keep it on the down-low. Our friends know, and that’s what matters.”

  Asher’s voice was a hiss. “Does it? You were fine wearing another guy’s collar in the past. Why not hold hands with me?”

  Sid raised his gaze, taken aback. Asher rarely got angry. “I was in a different place back then. And all it ever got me was kicked out of a band and into the gutter. Sorry for not being Mr. Out-There.”

  Asher’s jaw tensed, and he flattened his hand on the roof of the car while keeping the other stuffed into the front pocket of his jeans. He briefly shook his head at someone who tried approaching them and focused his gaze at the crowd instead of Sid. “I don’t think I’m expecting all that much. Unless you intend to drop me in the future without causing a PR disaster, there’s no reason for us to not be out.”

  Sid lowered his voice, unsure of what he’d just heard, and his legs were going numb the more he thought about it. Asher had resources. He knew people. He could, if he wanted to, cause damage to the band. “Is this a threat?”

  Asher jumped when a car beeped at them for blocking its way. He swallowed, sliding to the side. “You think I’d blackmail you?”

  Sid’s face heated up even though he knew Asher wasn’t the kind of person to do that. If he was, he’d have had many opportunities befor
e the two of them had gotten together. “I don’t know. Would you? You’re the one talking about PR disasters.” He wanted to hear a confirmation, because his stomach cramped up just thinking about this one thing he dedicated his life to crumbling under his feet.

  Asher tapped his fingers against the steel roof at an increasing pace, and the tension spiraled up Sid’s body, choking him as if there were a hand around his throat.

  “Sid! Stop wasting time and come over here! We’re doing a group shot!” Dusk yelled from above a crowd of fans.

  Sid groaned and wanted to pat Asher’s arm, but the stubborn guy had shifted. “Don’t make it weird,” he whispered. “I’ll be back in a sec.”

  His chest constricted when he turned away, but it was nothing some distraction couldn’t get rid of. Consciously choosing not to look Asher’s way, as it would only worsen his mood, he quickly joined the group of fans and put his arm around Dawn. For once, the kid decided not to flee the scene, even though he made sure the stiff peak of his baseball cap covered his face in each of the subsequent pictures. It was a huge step for him, and Sid chose to silently congratulate him, even if just to avoid thinking of Asher.

  Snap after snap, Sid took deep breaths to calm down. It had to be leaving their picture-perfect nest that led to this weird outburst with Asher. They’d make some rules about what was okay and what wasn’t when in public, and things would again settle down. He now regretted not discussing this sooner, but he’d had enough stress on his plate without that, as they’d had to finish recording a few new songs before leaving L.A. for the tour.

  He eventually untangled himself from the crowd, relieved that it was Dusk and Lolly who had to deal with most of the attention, and ran behind the bus to hide in the Tesla and maybe smooth out things with Asher.