Just Here for the Pain_gay rocker BDSM romance

by K. A. Merikan

  The one thing Asher’s thoughts kept going back to every time he picked up a potato chip was the way Sid didn’t even seem to realize just how hurtful he was being. He claimed to be pliant to Asher’s wishes, but then he could be so pushy. As if he didn’t understand the amount of power he held over Asher, and that his approval was Asher’s lifeline. Just days ago, Sid had been clay in his hands, and yet that had still not been enough for him to let people see them together.

  All those years Asher thought he’d been in love with Sid. Bullshit. He’d had a crush on him, he’d been obsessed, but at the end of the day he’d never really gotten to know Sid from his vulnerable side. Sid had been a goal to strive for, unattainable and safe, because as long as Asher fucked all kinds of people on the way while having his eyes on Sid, he wouldn’t truly get hurt. Humiliated? Shamed?—Yes, but those hits only punctured the shell of his pride, leaving his innermost feelings intact.

  Now his insides had been torn open, only to be tossed into the fire of regret.

  He’d cried. Not on the plane—he’d kept his cool in public. Not in company—he’d smiled at his housekeeper when he asked her to take the evening off. But the moment the dog put its muzzle in Asher’s lap, his eyes had turned into salty waterfalls, and nothing Asher tried provided the consolation he needed.

  He’d even considered permanently deleting the post he’d written for The Q-Detective to celebrate their hypothetical public coming out and permanently close that chapter of his life, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it just yet. The few photos of them together that he’d attached to the post were still too precious to trash. He’d left the laptop open in his bedroom, deciding he’d sleep on it…or rather ignore it until he could no longer delay going to bed.

  It’d been hours since he’d arrived, and his eyes had since dried up, turning into a pulsing mess, but still he couldn’t stop thinking of Sid and the way he so dismissively pushed away Asher’s hand.

  It hurt on such a visceral level Asher couldn’t control himself. He couldn’t be the rock of a Dom Sid thought he was. And he hadn’t even meant to mark his territory, or out Sid. He’d just craved to be close, not a secret Sid pulled out of the closet whenever he wanted a good fucking.

  Knowing that Sid was his end game meant Asher had never engaged deeply with people he dated. They were just casual hook-ups. Friends with benefits. But now that he’d let go of Sid, what was left for him? He had no idea how to navigate the future, and he was scared like a little boy who had lost his family all over again. How could he possibly start looking for someone who could match Sid’s place in his life?

  Asher used to believe Sid was the man he could open up to. Someone who never cared for his connections and money. Instead, it felt as if he’d ended up building even more of a facade to satisfy his lover’s cravings. He was drained, and in this moment it felt that even though leaving had still been the better of two evils, he would never be whole again. As if a part of him irreversibly crumbled and could be patched-up but not repaired.

  He leaned down to kiss Balto’s furry head when the dog became tense. Maybe he should get a puppy?

  The St. Bernard stood on all fours so rapidly his skull punched Asher’s teeth, making him almost drop the tub of ice cream. Before Asher could scold the dog, Balto jumped off the sofa and ran for the floor-length windows of the living room at record-breaking speed. Stopping in front of the glass, he let out a series of barks, eyes pinned to something in the darkness outside.

  Asher frowned and put away the ice cream, stretching his legs as he stood. “What is it, boy? A fox?”

  His muscles tensed when something rattled outside, and the dog’s presence was the only thing still keeping him calm.

  The noise got more insistent, and Asher’s stomach started slowly dropping as he fought the visceral need to draw the curtains and hide from whatever—or whoever—was out there.

  Balto’s barking had a low, dull quality to it that made Asher’s eardrums tremble as if they were about to burst.

  Still, he switched on the light outside, to illuminate the garden, and very slowly approached the windows himself. His movements were stiff, his joints cold as if his tendons had become wire, but he made himself move until his nose almost touched the glass.

  Breath made a shape in vapor right in front of him, but he looked ahead, over the expanse of fresh, fluffy snow that ended by the tall pines and spruces that surrounded the house for privacy. Now they provided excellent cover for whatever Balto was sensing.

  The dog stood on his back legs and thumped his front paws against the glass so rapidly the whole window shook.

  That was where Asher saw it too—a group of shapes moving about between the trees like a horde of flesh-eating monsters.

  He might have gasped.

  Sheer terror snaked its way down his back, but instead of fidgeting he ran to the wall and grabbed a prop from a movie his father worked on years back, which happened to be a huge saber. It might not be as sharp as the real thing would have been, but it was a solid weight in Asher’s hand, and if anything, it could provide enough intimidation to scare off whoever was about to invade his home.

  He briefly considered running off to call the police but, on a hunch, decided to buy himself more time. He opened the window, and Balto sped out so fast that were it not for his massive size, one could have misjudged him for a whippet.

  Barking along the way, he would surely startle the robbers, but Asher frowned when screams exploded. Were those people…inexperienced home invaders? Not that he felt sorry for them.

  He squeezed the saber harder in his palm.

  “You didn’t say he had a dog!” yelled…Dusk?

  Asher stilled, staring into the darkness, from which another figure emerged, running into the brightly lit garden by the house.

  “I didn’t know!” The figure was wearing a hat and a puffy jacket, but Asher would have recognized Sid anywhere.

  Asher’s feet sank into the floor as he stared in disbelief at The Underdogs dispersing around Balto, who only hesitated for a second before dashing after the tallest of the figures.

  “Get the dog away!” yelled Mage. In the shadows of the trees, he knocked into Dawn, and they both toppled into the snow.

  “Ash! It’s just us!” Sid sped toward the house like an icebreaker. “Call off the dog!”

  For several seconds Asher was too shocked to do anything at all, but the moment Balto crashed on top of Mage, he dropped the saber and ran outside. The cold bit into his feet, but that only spurred him on.

  “Balto, no! Come back!” he shouted, running across the snow-covered garden.

  Dawn cried out in a muffled voice, louder than Asher had ever heard him.

  In a surreal moment, Asher saw Sid’s face up close, and he sped right past him, too shaken to know how he felt about meeting him again so soon. His legs carried him on while he himself was empty-headed until his hands squeezed on the thick collar around the dog’s neck. He pulled.

  “Balto. Get off him. Get off him!”

  The dog hesitated, looking back at Asher with its droopy eyes while Dawn sobbed beneath Mage’s body, but in the end the big muzzle opened, releasing Mage’s arm.

  Dusk and Lolly approached in fast strides as Asher struggled hauling the 220 lbs of undecided dog back to the house. His brain scrambled as he watched Dusk and Lolly—and even Abra!—check on Mage and Dawn. He barely held back a shriek when Sid appeared next to him out of nowhere.

  “Sorry, Ash, but you wouldn’t answer anyone’s phone,” Sid offered, as if that was a valid excuse for a break in. Then again, it was like the pot calling kettle black, because he’d low-key broken into quite a few hotels in the past, just to get closer to Sid.

  Asher frantically swallowed the icy air. Balto was still restless, so Asher made him sit and embraced him from behind, scooting down in the snow. Only now, when he was no longer moving, did the whole extent of the cold get to him. His feet and ankles had damp fabric sticking to them and were so nu
mb he wasn’t even sure if he still had all his toes.

  Mage waved at them, getting up with Dawn and Dusk’s support. “I’m all right! He just held me, and the jacket’s pretty thick so…yeah, no harm done.”

  “Let’s just move inside…?” Sid offered, coming a bit closer, but obviously wary of the dog.

  Like he had any right to say what they should do! But then… They’d all just tumbled in the snow, and it wasn’t as if Asher would kick them out immediately, especially poor Mage, who deserved to calm down after being chased by a beast that possibly weighed more than him.

  He couldn’t just tell them to leave.

  Well, technically, he could, but what kind of host would that have made him? They’d come all the way here, and it felt just…wrong to not at least offer them something to drink, even if Sid’s presence had Asher’s skin tingling. In a bad way.

  “W-what about the tour?” he choked out, staring at Mage, who didn’t seem hurt, even if Dawn was in tears over him and hugged him as if Mage was a giant teddy bear. It was hard to say who was comforting whom.

  “We won’t be able to make it to the gig tomorrow, but the next one after that is in a week, so we’re good,” Mage said, brushing snow off his long dreadlocks.

  Abra followed Lolly and Dusk with bewildered eyes. So Sid had roped in everyone into coming here to guilt-trip Asher into giving Sid another chance? So. Wrong.

  Asher’s gaze briefly met Sid’s, and he averted his eyes, wanting nothing more than to just cling to Balto and remain hidden away from people forever.

  “It’s so cold here, right?” Lolly asked loudly, and Asher hardly stopped himself from rolling his eyes.

  Dusk caught up with his passive-aggressive attack in no time. “Yeah, Mage and Dawn are all wet. Wouldn’t be all that well if any of them got ill now. And my throat’s already getting tingly.”

  “It’s not that easy to find this place. There might be a weird musical fence here that everyone in town knows about, but it’s still remote,” Lolly added.

  Asher counted to five and rose. “Welcome.”

  They all tumbled inside in a stampede of dirty boots and snow falling off clothes, but Asher couldn’t risk any more issues, so his first agenda was to lock Balto away.

  “Do they deliver pizza here?” Dusk yelled from the kitchen as Asher made his way down the corridor, slapping his own forehead in frustration.

  But it was the hand on his back, followed by Balto’s low growl that really pushed Asher’s buttons.

  “We need to talk, Ash,” Sid said.

  Asher ignored him and tugged on Balto’s collar, leading him toward the part of the house, which served as the housekeeper’s apartment. The cool wood felt hot against his frosty feet, even after he’d shed the damp socks upon entering the house. His brain was a chaos of words and feelings, tumbling in his head in a never-ending cycle of self-loathing and sadness. Could he not have a moment to himself?

  He winced when his toe hit the door frame, but with the flesh so numb it felt as if the digit was falling off rather than simply throbbing with pain.

  Still, he ignored the footsteps following him and offered Balto a bone before locking him in. He took a deep breath to steady himself and turned around.

  But when he looked into Sid’s eyes, so full of accusation, even though it had been Sid who was in the wrong, blood boiled in Asher, returning feeling to his aching feet.

  He swallowed hard and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning on the door when there was nowhere left to go. “What are you guys doing here?” he asked in the end.

  Confidence fizzled out of Sid’s stance. In a puffy jacket and a woolen beanie he must have gotten in some gift store, he didn’t seem particularly intimidating. “We…I… We tried to catch you at the airport, but that didn’t work out.”

  Asher watched him, stunned, and for some reason his feet were already feeling a bit warmer. “Uh…I’m not sure what to say.” He pushed back into the door as if it could make him invisible and spare him this painful conversation.

  “Let’s talk in private?”

  That was it. Asher had been pressed against the wall, and it was a confrontation that seemed inevitable. He agreed with a nod but stalled in the living room, under the pretense of making sure all his surprise guests were comfortable. There was more than enough food in the freezer to satisfy even Dusk’s appetite, blankets in a huge wicker basket, and all the television programs one could dream of. That would keep them all busy, even if interacting with them was so difficult for once, most of all with Abra, who kept following him with an accusatory glance from her spot in a rocking chair.

  He swallowed that pill and did everything he humanly could to delay having to tackle the elephant in the room, including providing Mage with a first-aid kit, as he had scratches on his palms after the fall.

  But there was only so much he could do before Sid exploded with rage again, so in the end Asher led the way upstairs, to the master bedroom. Each step felt heavy, thumping against the wooden floor, but once he welcomed Sid into the large, yet cozy room and shut the door behind them, he could breathe normally again. Whatever would happen here, at least there would be no witnesses.

  Sid stayed silent for a moment, his lone figure in black a stark contrast to the warm hues of the wooden ceiling and floor, to the stone wall that housed the fireplace, to the fur throw on the bed covered with eight pillows. The whole room screamed ‘cozy’, whereas Sid was the epitome of uncomfortable.

  Asher swallowed what felt like a rock lodged in his throat when he realized just how much he’d wanted to invite him here, to relax in complete privacy, read books, and go on long walks through the mountains with Balto following.

  He’d gladly offer Sid everything he had if Sid only wanted to be real with him.

  Sid took a deep breath and in the same moment his limbs went rigid, fists clenching as if he were here to deliver a speech. “So. First of all, I want to tell you I’m not here to beg you. That’s not how relationships work. But leaving me like that? With no way of contact? Such a shitty move, Ash. And furthermore,” Sid raised his hand and his voice, “For a Dom to leave their sub hanging like that? How could you even think that was okay?

  “What am I? A puppy you won at the fair and now you’re annoyed you’ve got to walk it and soothe it when it’s whining? I mean…that’s not what I mean, but I opened up to you.” To Asher’s surprise, Sid’s voice became softer and trembly, and despite Sid keeping his eyes open and unblinking, tears spilled down his cheeks, leaving Asher stunned. “I never told anyone some of the things I’ve told you. You put your hooks in me, tore it all out of me, and now you wanna leave me?”

  Asher had his arms around Sid before he could even think whether it was a good idea. With his hand in place on Sid’s nape and the other at the small of his back, he pressed his cheek against Sid’s and rocked him gently while his heart thumped so frantically, as if it was about to break apart.

  Sid’s sobs became even more violent, like they sometimes did during intense scenes, but this was no cathartic game. Sid was hurting, and Asher was the cause in ways he’d never meant to be.

  Sid pressed into Asher as if that was the only shelter available to him. “I never meant to be mean to you,” he sobbed. “I just get so angry sometimes, and I can’t shut up, and then I regret it. I don’t take you for granted, but yeah, I’ve grown to trust that you’d always be there for me. It’s not the same.”

  Asher exhaled, hugging him even tighter as he tumbled right back to what he’d run from less than 24 hours ago. The moment he and Sid touched, he was entrapped again, and he no longer wanted to run, as if the scent of Sid’s cologne was a reality-altering drug.

  He pondered what to say and in the end nuzzled Sid’s ear, whispering. “But then you reject me. I’m not made of stone. I want to know you’re serious about me. That you’re not gonna kick me to the curb.”

  Sid hugged him so tightly Asher’s ribs ached. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ve had a very lo
ng bus drive to think about it all, and I don’t care anymore what anyone says.” He stepped back, giving Asher room to breathe, but then went over to the open laptop Asher had left on his desk, and started tapping something on the keyboard.

  Asher followed him, his head in turmoil, arms itching to close around Sid again. Everything inside him throbbed with emotion until he could no longer stop himself and buried his face in the hair tied back into a ponytail at the back of Sid’s head.

  “I love you,” he whispered, and for the first time he realized saying those three words wasn’t a breeze. He ripped them out of his chest dripping with blood, left raw and in need of touch.

  Sid pulled away from the computer and turned, giving Asher just that, a soft, warm hug full of affection. “I love you too. And it’s done. It’s official. That dream blog post of yours about us getting together? It’s posted.” He kissed the side of Asher’s overheating head.

  Asher’s lips trembled. He stared at the screen and the information at the top of the page that the post had indeed been published. With his heart hammering, he stared into Sid’s eyes. He breathed in Sid’s exhale, becoming lightheaded when it warmed his entire body. “What? Y-you posted it?”

  “‘Cause there’s no reason to hide it, right? Because we’re together, we will be together, and it’s not changing any time soon. Right?” There was a needy undertone to Sid’s voice, but Asher didn’t mind. It was actually comforting to see someone so desperate to be with him. Someone who for once truly needed him. Him, not what he could do or buy.

  “No. It’s never gonna change. I’m always going to take care of you,” whispered Asher, taking Sid’s hand to his lips and kissing every bony knuckle. There was static electricity to the touch, and he whimpered, immediately leaning in to capture Sid’s lips next.

  Sid was quick to deepen the kiss, and Asher couldn’t care less about the quiet beeps from his phone crying out for him to check his notifications. He forgot all about them as Sid guided him toward the fur-covered bed.