Begging for Bad Boys

by Willow Winters

  But when I walked into her room, she had a sweet smile on her face. She was having a good day. She asked me to tell her something new, just like she always does.

  I couldn’t ruin the moment. I don’t know how many I have left with her.

  I know it’s not okay. The way I handle things isn’t healthy. Emma’s been telling me that so fucking much lately. I just try to forget my problems. At least the personal things. When it comes to work though, it’s a different story. I take everything head on. But when it comes to this, when it comes to my mother?

  I’d rather just pretend that everything’s all right. It’s so much easier, so much better than thinking it’s all going to come to an end before I’m ready.

  The sound of the front door opening draws my attention. Emma doesn’t even knock anymore. It’s only been a little over three weeks, but there’s a sense of ease between us, an understanding. We both know what we feel for each other. We both know the type of people we are. But just like Ma, I refuse to think of the inevitable. Emma keeps bringing it up, telling me she’s going to be leaving soon.

  I don’t want her to go back to school. It’s coming way too soon. Things feel like they're on the edge of a cliff, ready to fall over and shatter. And she’s not gonna be here.

  I already know I’m a selfish man. Wanting to keep her here doesn’t make me any different.

  The door closes and I finally get up from my seat, hitting the button on the clicker to turn the TV off.

  “Derek?” I hear Emma call out from down the hall. Her soft voice echoes off the walls. I’m sure Ma can hear it, too.

  Emma’s almost at Ma’s room before I can even respond. It’s become a habit for her, to check in on my mother. And to let her know she’s here. She pauses just before the open door. I quicken my pace to meet her there.

  The look on her face tells me she knows something is wrong. It’s the “we gotta talk” look. I hate that expression. She always wants to talk.

  I shake my head, not wanting to let her know what’s going on. Part of me wants to open up to her about the tension between me and Tony, but I’m just not that kind of guy. I don’t say a word, my jaw clenched, as I lead her into Ma’s bedroom.

  I splay my hand on her back and walk side by side with her over to Ma’s bed. I wasn’t planning on seeing Ma again tonight, but Emma would never let me hear the end of it if she didn’t at least say hello. We’ve already been through this. And I’m a pushover when it comes to her.

  I clear my throat and grab my chair that’s still next to Ma’s bed. I didn’t put it back to where it goes in the corner earlier today; I guess some part of me knew I’d be back in here tonight. I pull Emma by the waist, letting her sit on my lap.

  “You and those dirty books,” Emma jokes with Ma.

  “You know you like them too,” my mother teases her back.

  I have to laugh. “Ma, you know Emma doesn’t read those books. She’s too busy with school. She only has time to read books about ethics and stuff like that.”

  Emma’s head whips around to me. “How do you know what I read?”

  I look up at her with my brow furrowed. “I look at your books.” Of course I know what she reads. I wanted to know what she was up to. I wanted to know what she spends all her time doing. Not that I’m interested in reading that kind of shit, but I’m interested in what she’s interested in.

  Ma pipes up, “I read an article that said women who read these kinds of books are smarter than the average woman.” Emma huffs a small laugh with a sweet smile on her lips.

  Ma looks straight at me. “I know your girl is smart, Derek. That’s why I gave her a few of my favorites.” Emma and Ma laugh, but I can’t join in. I find myself just staring at Ma. It’s a rare day when happiness is so evident on her face. She’s showing it today. Like nothing’s wrong with her other than the weight loss. Emma brings this out in her. I don’t understand why Ma doesn’t fight harder. She’s been so happy, the happiest I can ever remember her being ever since Emma walked through that door. My chest pangs with sadness and guilt.

  Maybe if I’d never let Emma walk away in the first place back then, maybe that would’ve made a difference.

  I couldn’t give Ma the happiness she needed while I was building this business and providing for her. But it’s here now. Why has she given up now?

  “I may have already read one. It only took me a few hours.” Ma laughs and smacks her thigh at Emma’s confession. The two of them go back and forth for a little while. I’m used to this now. They hit it off. Usually they’re making fun of me. Until today, I enjoyed it. I looked forward to it, even.

  But as I sit here watching the two of them, I can’t even focus on what they’re saying. It’s like I'm watching in slow motion. All the sounds are muffled. I don’t know what they’re saying, but I know the way I feel. I know the way they’re making each other feel.

  That’s what matters at the end of the day. That’s what memories are really made of. Emotions.

  I wish I had a camera now, not because I want to remember Ma looking like this. I don’t. But I want to remember how happy she is right now.

  “You all right?” It takes me a moment to realize Emma’s question is directed at me.

  I clear my throat. “Yeah, I think I just need some coffee. I’ve had a headache all day,” I lie. I promised her that I wouldn’t lie to her. I promised myself too, but in this moment, I need to do it.

  “Time for you two to head out. You don’t need me.” Ma picks her book back up and says, “I’m just an old lady over here with her dirty books.” She smiles. Although Ma is making it sound funny, just joking around like she usually does, it hurts me to hear her say that.

  “I need ya, Ma.” That’s all I can say before I gently push Emma off my lap. She stands up easily, although she looks back at me with concern. As soon as her feet hit the ground, I’m up and out of the room. I can hear Emma as she follows me out of the room and down the hall. I feel like a little bitch as tears well up in my eyes, but I push them away. I’m not gonna cry. I’m gonna figure this out. There has to be a way. I go straight to the liquor cabinet in the kitchen. I need to chill the fuck out right now. Emma grabs my arm as the door to the whiskey flies open.

  “Derek, what the hell’s wrong?” Emma’s eyes look straight into mine, pleading with me and flashing with worry. It makes me sick. All I’ve done is brought worry into her life. That’s all I’m good for.

  “Tell me!” she yells at me.

  I can’t lie to her even though I want to. I don’t want to admit what my mother asked. Mostly because I don’t want Emma’s opinion. I swear to God if she says the same thing that Tony says, I’m not sure I'll be able to forgive her. For some reason, Tony gets away with it. Maybe because I know how much he loves her. But with Emma, it would break my heart if she told me to give in to what Ma wants. I don’t think I could forgive her.

  “She’s not doing good.” That’s all I can get out now. The other words won’t come. I’m all choked up. I move a couple steps over, ignoring the look on her face, ignoring the pleading of her eyes to tell her what’s going on.

  “Is she not responding to the new treatment?” Emma asks. Her and Ma talk a little about the treatments, but it’s just small talk.

  Emma doesn’t know the details. She doesn’t even know that Ma’s technically on hospice. The doctors are just waiting for her to die. I had to keep fighting for this. I had to keep getting the medicine for her. I’m trying not to give up hope even when she does. I’m trying not to anyway, just desperately trying to hold on. But in the last few days, hope has been slipping away.

  “It’s not that,” I say as I pour the whiskey into the short glass. If Emma wasn’t here, I wouldn’t even bother with it. I’d be drinking straight from the bottle.

  “What is it?” she asks me. Her voice is so small, it’s full of fear.

  “I don’t know what to do.” I give her that much, but I can’t tell her exactly what I’m talking about. I can’
t give that to her. I’m afraid that the more I give her, the more she'll see me and the reality of my life. The more she’ll realize that she shouldn’t be with me.

  “You’re smart, Sweetheart,” I say and take a sip of my whiskey before looking at her. She’s gripping the granite countertop tightly, looking at me like she’s barely holding on for dear life. “Tell me what to do.”

  “You’re smart, too,” she says softly. She takes a small step closer to me, her hands rubbing soothing circles on my back. I know she means it to be comforting, but all I want to do is push her away right now. I don’t want to be comforted. I realize I don’t even want a distraction as I take another sip of the burning whiskey. I slam the glass down on the counter and almost shove her back, but I don’t. I can’t take this shit anymore.

  But I can’t risk losing her and having no one. Even though that’s what I deserve.

  “I can’t figure out what to do,” I tell Emma. “There’s no way to win.”

  “Sometimes it’s not up to you.” Emma stares straight at me as she says the words.

  I shake my head and insist, “You can always do something. There’s always a choice. Even if you’re making the wrong choice, it’s up to you.”

  “You’re wrong,” she says and stops rubbing the soothing circles on my back. She shakes her head, saying, “Sometimes you don’t get a say. Sometimes it’s just the way life is.”

  In that moment I love her for her honesty, but I hate that she said it. I wish she’d just lied to me.

  I close my eyes and reach for the whiskey, but her hand grips my wrist.

  “Don’t do this, Derek,” she says with a strong voice. “You know she doesn’t want to see you like this. This isn’t the way to handle it.”

  “I don’t want to see her like that!” I yell. My voice is harsh, and I instantly regret it. The look on Emma’s face is like I slapped her. The room is quiet for a long time. I swirl the whiskey around in the glass and then bring it to my lips. I just want to get lost in the alcohol. “Tell me what to do then, Emma,” I say in a low voice.

  “First, you need to kiss me,” she says in a shaky voice. “You need to know that no matter what happens, I’m still gonna be here.” She takes the glass from my hand and dumps the whiskey down the sink, placing the glass on the countertop before looking back up at me. She pushes herself between the counter and my chest, her body touching mine.

  I lower my head, putting my lips to hers as she cups my jaw. It’s not a kiss like any other kiss we’ve had, not at first. But she doesn’t let me go until I soften my lips. Until they mold to hers. My arms wrap around her small body. I hold onto her tightly as she kisses me back fiercely, refusing to let me go until I feel like I’m falling to pieces around her.

  She finally pulls away from me, visibly swallowing, her eyes on my lips. She lays her head on my chest. “Some days are going to be hard.” She takes a deep breath. “Some days you’re not gonna know what to do. Some days you won’t even remember.”

  I want to pull away from her at the last line, realizing what she’s talking about. But she holds me tighter, and she keeps going without waiting for me to even acknowledge how fucked up that sounds. I don’t wanna talk about what it’s going to be like when Ma’s gone.

  “And when you realize you've forgotten, when you have a good moment and you realize that you weren’t thinking about her, you might even hate yourself.”

  I suck in a breath; I hate thinking about this. I hate feeling like this.

  “But she wants you to be happy, Derek.” She looks up at me, her hazel eyes pleading with me. The green swirls and blue specks shine brightly over the glassy tears in her hazel eyes. “She wants you to have a life after she’s gone.”

  I shake my head. “I’m not ready for that,” I barely whisper, my voice breaking. “I promised her.” I wipe the bastard tears from my eyes, sniffling and trying to pull away from her, but she doesn’t let me. I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t want to be the weak man I am right now. “I promised her when I was a kid that I’d make sure she’d be all right.” I take an unsteady breath, calming myself slightly at the memory. Pops had just left. I knew Ma wasn’t healthy, and the late nights at the diner were only draining the life from her faster. “I told her that she’d beat this. I promised her that she’d live to see a hundred.”

  Emma parts her lips, but doesn’t say anything. Her eyes are filled with so much sadness. Her voice cracks as she says, “Some things are out of our control. You made a promise you can’t keep.”

  I jog down the stairs on my way out to go see Emma. I almost leave without saying bye to Ma. It’s pretty late and I know she went down for a nap earlier, but I want to make sure I see her before I go. It’s a good habit to be in, just so she knows where I am. I see her door's open as I walk toward it to stand in the doorway. My hands grip the molding on the outside, and I lean into the doorway slightly. “Hey, Ma.” I still feel like shit from the other day. It’s been a couple days since Emma was over and I could barely keep it together in front of Ma. She hasn’t mentioned it or brought it up though. That’s what Ma does, she never holds anything against me. It’s what she’s always done, and that’s what I do, too.

  She looks up at me, the thin-rimmed glasses on her face slipping down her nose slightly. She closes the thick romance novel in her hands and sets it beside her. “You going out?” I take a few steps into the room, and she keeps on going. “Are you going to go see Emma tonight?” Her brows are raised, and I almost blush from the look on her face.

  “I was going to.” I sag into the seat next to her bed.

  “I think that girl is good for you, Derek,” she says as she nods her head slightly.

  “You just like her because she likes your dirty books, too.” I nod at the book in her hands as I add, “She’s supporting your habit," I joke. I never thought the two of them would have something like that in common.

  “It makes me happy to see you so happy, Derek.” Ma’s voice is a little bit more serious. It catches me off guard.

  I nod, looking at the thick comforter on Ma’s bed. “She definitely makes me happy. ”Ma’s pale blue eyes seem to get a little bit brighter as her expression softens. It’s a look I don’t remember ever seeing on her face. She clears her throat and brings the comforter up closer around her waist and picks her book back up. “You better go to her then,” she murmurs as she opens her book and pushes her glasses back up her nose. “That girl loves you, Derek; I can see it.” She doesn’t look at me as she says the words. She peeks up at me without moving her head as I rise from the seat. “And you love her too, don’t you?”

  “Come on, Ma.” I shoo away her question, tossing my hand in the air and walking toward the door.

  “Do your mama a favor and be honest with me right now. It’s something I need to know, Derek.” The look on her face is completely serious, and again I don’t anticipate it.

  I think about it, really think about my feelings for Emma. But the truth is, I started loving her a long time ago, and I never stopped. This is nothing new; the love I have for her has been constant. It’s only grown if anything. I grip the handle on the door and nod my head as I say, “Yeah, Ma. I think I love her.”

  Ma shakes her head slightly and says, “I know you do.” She sits back in her bed, getting comfortable. “Could you go ahead and shut that door for me, baby?”

  I've been so used to her leaving it open, I didn’t think about closing it. “Yeah, love you, Ma.” She gives me a soft smile as she says, “I know you do. And I love you, too. Don’t you ever forget that.”

  Chapter 15

  Emma

  I’m going to miss this when I leave for school. That's all I can think as I lie under the comforter in Sandra’s guest room with Derek. This moment feels right, it feels safe. But it’s going to be gone before I know it.

  Ever since he broke down and told me about his mom, things have been different. He's finally opening up to me instead of pushing me away. And I feel
closer to him than ever before. I've fallen for him. Completely. I'm in love with Derek Wade. The thought makes me want to kiss him and run from him all at the same time. Either way, I’d be left breathless.

  “What are you thinking?” he asks me.

  He's running his fingers through my hair as I lie with my head on his chest. The sound of his heartbeat is steady and soothing. My fingers lazily trace circles on his bare chest. This moment is so close to being perfect.

  “I'm just happy right now,” I answer as I continue to caress his chest, moving down to his stomach. Right now being the words he won’t register as important.

  “Yeah? I'm feeling pretty happy right now, too. Thanks to you,” he says and kisses the top of my head.

  I lick my lips and try to get rid of the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  “I can't believe my break is almost over. I’m not looking forward to going back next week,” I admit. I’m dreading being so far apart from Derek, especially with how sick his mom is. He pulls me closer, resting both hands on my hip. I can't believe how much has happened in the past four weeks. I don't want this to end. If only you could pause time and live in a single moment forever.

  “I’m not going to like you being so far away, but it's only for a few months. And I'll definitely be coming down to see you,” he says as he runs his hand down my back. “We’ll make this work. Don't worry, sweetheart.” He kisses my hair and runs his hand up and down my arm as he says, “You know I can't stay away from you for long.”

  I pick my head up off his sculpted chest to kiss him.

  My body reacts the moment our lips touch. We've spent most of the day in bed, and I still want more. I’m not sure I'll ever get enough of him. Thank God Sandra and Tony are at Tony’s for the weekend.

  He slowly kisses down my jaw to my neck. He's already hard again, I can feel him pressing insistently against my hip. As I go to climb on top of him, his phone rings.