Walk Of Shame

by Victoria Ashley

“I love you, Hemy.” He quickens his thrusts, causing me to moan out and grip his hair. “I’ve never stopped. I can’t. I love you so damn much.”

  He smiles against my lips before crushing his lips against mine and making love to me. Not the rough, crazy sex that I’m used to with him. No, him holding me tenderly and thrusting into me, our bodies both working as one. It’s the most intimate moment I have ever shared with Hemy, and it breaks my heart to know that it will probably never happen again.

  Tomorrow, I’m going to tear his world apart . . . and mine.

  WAKING UP TO ONYX IN my bed is the best thing that has happened to me in four years. Seeing her here, naked, and wrapped up in my arms is almost enough to make me forget all the bad shit in the world. Almost . . . but not quite. There is still something that’s holding me down and as much as I still try to hide the pain, it’s always there threatening to surface. I just hope she understands that and tries to be patient. I’ve grown a lot since four years ago, but I will never be one hundred percent whole.

  She stirs in my arms, gripping me tighter as I kiss her on the top of the head. I’ve been awake for the last hour, but haven’t wanted to move in fear of waking her. I’m afraid of what’s to come today. She said she had something important to tell me. I have to be honest, it makes me wonder if maybe she has a child with someone that she is afraid to tell me about. I can’t stand the thought of that. It kills me.

  When I look back down at Onyx, she’s looking up at me with a small smile. It makes my heart burst with happiness. Damn, I love this woman. That smile is the best thing to ever happen to me.

  “Morning,” she whispers. “What time is it?”

  I grip a handful of her hair and lean down to crush my lips against hers. She lets out a small moan before smiling against my lips. “It’s noon,” I respond. “I wanted to let you sleep.”

  She sits up with a yawn before reaching for her phone. “Crap! I should probably text Ash and let her know that I’m okay. She’s probably wondering why I didn’t come home last night.”

  Kissing her one more time, I stand up and reach for my briefs. “Alright. I’ll go make us breakfast.” I turn back to look at her and smile as she throws on one of my shirts. “Damn, you’re sexy as hell in my shirt.”

  She places her hand on her hip and bites her bottom lip. “You can show me after breakfast.”

  “Fuck yeah,” I growl, while backing away from her and turning into the hallway. Shit, that woman is going to be the death of me.

  Opening the fridge, I pull out the eggs and bacon, setting them on the counter. Just as I’m about to reach in the cabinet for some pans, the front door opens. That could only be one person: fucking Stone.

  “Don’t you fucking knock, asswipe?” I grab out the pans and set them on the stove. This idiot is just lucky that I’m in a good mood for once.

  A few seconds later, Stone appears in the kitchen followed by Ash. My eyes linger on her for a moment as she gives me a worried look. There’s something about the look in her eyes that seems oddly familiar.

  “Is Onyx with you? I haven’t heard from her since last night and I didn’t know who to ask,” she questions while looking around the kitchen. “I called Stone and he said she might be here. Is she?”

  Pulling my eyes away, I rub my hands over my face really fast and point down the hall just as Onyx appears.

  “Okay, I sent her a text . . .” She looks up to see us all standing in the kitchen and freezes. Her eyes linger over to Ash and she turns ghostly white, all the color draining from her face. “Ash! What are you doing here?”

  Ash walks past me and over to Onyx. “What the hell? I was worried sick about you. I’m here to make sure that you’re okay.”

  Onyx leans her head back before turning to face the other direction and breathing heavily. “Shit! I can’t do this anymore. I’m so sorry, guys. I’m so damn sorry.”

  My chest aches from her words. I don’t understand why she’s so worried about Ash coming here and why the hell she’s apologizing to us. I walk towards the girls. “Talk, Onyx. What the hell is-”

  I look up and my eyes meet the back of Ash’s neck. My whole fucking world comes crashing down in front of me. I have to turn the other way and clench my hands together to keep from breaking something. “Fuck!” I crouch down and grip my hair in anger. This can’t be happening. Please tell me Onyx has not been keeping this shit from me. “Onyx. What the fuck? You better start talking and now!”

  She’s hesitant for a moment, the whole room in a thick silence.

  “Ash. I have something to tell you,” she whispers. “I have something to tell both you and Hemy. ”

  Taking a few deep breaths, I stand back up and turn around to face Onyx. I want to see her when she fucking crushes me and turns my world upside down. “Say it,” I growl out. “Fucking say it, dammit.”

  She turns her head away as a tear rolls down her cheek. “God, this is so hard. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just wanted to keep you safe, Ash. Please understand that. I didn’t want you to get hurt like I did. I didn’t want to get your hopes up and then have your world crushed.” She pauses as Ash gives her a confused look. “Back when I met you in that coffee shop in Wisconsin and I saw that scar on the back of your neck . . . I had an idea of who you were.”

  Ash’s eyes widen and her nostrils flare as she rubs a hand over the back of her neck. “What are you saying, Onyx? I don’t like where this is going . . .”

  Onyx looks over to face the both of us, her face wet with fresh tears. I always hated that look. It fucking hurts. “As soon as you told me you were adopted, I knew you were Hemy’s sister. I knew you were Sage. I’m so damn sorry. You’re probably going to hate me forever but I did it for a good reason. It’s just too bad it’s going to hurt us all in the end. Shit,” she cries.

  Ash lets out a soft breath before turning to face me. Her eyes look pained as she takes me in and shakes her head. My heart fucking hurts as I watch her; my baby sister and she’s standing right in front of me.

  “That makes no sense. My brother’s name was Tyler. His name wasn’t Hemy.” She looks up at my hair. “And his hair was lighter.” She swallows and looks into my eyes. “Those eyes . . .” She turns away. “Why are you messing with me? Why are you trying to hurt me? Please stop this.”

  Out of instinct, I step up beside Sage and touch her scar just like I used to when we were kids. Her bottom lip quivers just like in the past and she sucks in a burst of air. It’s taking everything in me right now not to break down into tears. I’ve searched for ten years; ten fucking years, and now here she is, but on top of it Onyx knew and kept it from me. How could she keep something like this from me? Fuck!

  “It’s the truth, Sage. Shit, I can’t believe this is happening.” I pause to catch my breath and pull my hand away. “She’s telling the truth. You were too young to remember, but I went by my middle name when we were growing up. Dad hated mom for naming me Hemy so everyone started calling me Tyler. It’s the only thing you knew me by. That piece of shit. Fuck!” I turn around and punch the wall. “I couldn’t fucking find you. I’ve searched for ten years. I’m so sorry.” My voice cracks as I attempt to keep my composure. It’s proving to be harder than I thought and all I want to do is ruin my parents and then break down.

  Sage lets out a strangled cry before falling down to her knees and covering her face. “This can’t be happening. I don’t . . .” She sucks in a breath. “I don’t know what to say. I’ve wondered about you my whole life.” She shakes her head and cries harder. “Tyler . . .”

  Falling down on my knees next to her, I pull her into my arms and press her face into my shoulder as she cries. Holding her next to me makes me want to bawl like a baby, but I fight it. It’s so damn hard. I let a few tears fall as the anger and relief floods through me. I’m relieved to have Sage in my life, but angry as hell that Onyx would do this to me when she knows how badly I’ve been hurting.

  I look up to the sound of Stone’s voice. “Ho
ly shit. I’m going to go and give you all some time. I don’t need to be here for this. Sorry, man.”

  I nod my head and pull Sage closer as she wraps her arms around me, her whole body in a shaking mess. “I’m never letting you out of my damn sight again.” She lets out something between a cry and a laugh and I can’t help but to smile. “I mean that, Sage. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about you. I love you so damn much.”

  Her grip on me tightens, but she doesn’t say a word. She doesn’t have to. It may take her a while to remember me as much as I remember her and that’s okay. I’ll give her as much time as she needs, but she’s not leaving Chicago. Her home is with me, like it should have been over ten years ago.

  After what seems like a lifetime, Sage pulls away and looks at my face. She lets one last tear roll down her face before reaching for my hair. “This hair,” she says with a laugh. “I think my big brother needs a haircut.”

  I let out a small laugh and help her up to her feet. I still can’t believe she is here and standing in my damn house. The feeling is so surreal.

  We both stand here for a moment, taking each other in with smiles before turning to find Onyx pacing around the living room. She’s biting her nails and shaking as the tears pour out.

  As much as I want to hold her and tell her that it’s okay, it really isn’t. She just made the worst mistake of her life and it’s going to take a while for me to get over this. It doesn’t matter what her reasoning is. She hurt me, knowing that she was, and in the worst way possible.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. That’s all I can say. You don’t think I wanted to tell you? I did. Trust me, I did.” Onyx walks over to us and looks between the both of us. “I love you both so much,” she cries. “I never meant to hurt anyone, but you have to understand that Hemy is a different person than the one I knew years ago. I couldn’t put you through what I had to go through. That’s all I can say. I was going to tell you as soon as I knew things were different for real this time.” She sucks in a breath and walks past us. “I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t know what to fucking say,” I seethe. “I trusted you.”

  She swallows hard and fights back more tears. “I’m going, just please don’t hate me. I can’t survive knowing you hate me.”

  Exhaling, I watch as Onyx walks down the hall and disappears into my bedroom. I’m so fucking mad right now that if I open my mouth again I will probably say something I will regret forever.

  So . . . I just watch as she walks away . . . again.

  IT’S BEEN THREE WEEKS SINCE I found out Ash was really Sage and I watched as Onyx walked out of my life again. Not a second has gone by that I haven’t thought of her and missed the shit out of her. I have wanted to call her so many times and tell her I forgive her and I understand why she did it, but the pain is still too fresh. As far as I know, she has known about Sage for over a year, over a fucking year. How am I just supposed to forget about that?

  A part of me knows that she didn’t find me right away because she was scared of getting hurt again and didn’t know if she’d be able to handle being around me without losing control, but it hurts like hell. I could have had Sage back in my life that whole damn time. I just can’t get over that as much as I want to.

  Everything has changed in the last few weeks and besides not having Onyx in my life, things have been good. Sage has been staying with me and I spend most of my time at Mitch’s shop instead of at the club. I’ve told the boys I will stay on for two days a week until they can find someone else to take over. After that, I will stay and bartend. I guess I’m pulling a Slade.

  It didn’t take long for me and Sage to get comfortable with each other again and we have actually been spending a lot of time together talking about our childhood; only the good stuff though, I’m not reminding her of the all the fucked up shit our parents did to us. She doesn’t deserve that and I won’t put her through it.

  I’ve been pacing around my living room with a beer in hand for the last three hours, trying to drown out the damn noise in my head. Nothing has been working. “Shit!”

  I’m just pulling out another beer when I hear the front door open, so I pull out three beers instead. Sage and Stone have been spending a lot of time together and I need to keep my eye on that slick motherfucker. I won’t hesitate to hand him his ass.

  “Yo!” Stone calls out while stepping into the kitchen, instantly spotting the three bottles of beer with a grin. “This is why I love you so damn much, man. Always looking out when a brother is thirsty.”

  I slap him upside the back of the head as he reaches for a beer and pops the top. “Where’s Sage?”

  He lets out a sigh and quickly takes a drink of his beer. He’s hesitant for a moment before he replies. “With Onyx. They’ve been talking a lot. She’s meeting me here in twenty.” He takes another drink of beer before setting it down and focusing his attention on me. “That girl loves you, man. I know what she did hurt you, but you have to look at it from her point of view too, man.”

  I take a gulp of my beer and clench my jaw. “Keep talking.” Maybe I need this.

  “Alright then. The truth hurts, but . . . from what I’ve heard, you had a lot of fucking issues. You were never really here.” He points to his head and looks me in the eyes. “You can’t expect her to risk hurting someone she cares about by bringing them into your sick fucked up world. I know you’re not like that anymore, but for someone that experienced it every day for ten years, it’s a little harder to convince. You ripped that girl’s heart out and stomped on it and she still brought your sister back in hopes that you would be able to meet her one day. She just wanted to make sure the time was right for all of you; not just her, or you, but all three of you. You can’t be mad at that, man. That’s a good ass woman.”

  I close my eyes and run my hands through my hair, lost in thought. He’s fucking right and hearing someone say it out loud really opens my eyes. She was there for me every fucking time I needed someone.

  “You don’t have to fucking tell me. She’s the best woman I’ve ever known.” I pause to let out a sigh. “I’ll never forget that shit.”

  She’s always done what she felt was best. This isn’t any different. If I would have gotten Sage back while I was high out of my mind and always fucked up, then I would have probably lost her for good, just like everyone else; her and Onyx. Maybe I can’t blame Onyx for being as cautious as she was. Maybe, I should be blaming myself and thanking Onyx. I always was the one to fuck shit up. Still am.

  “I fucked up real bad, man. I’m not proud of the things I did one bit. I had a lot of shit I was dealing with and I couldn’t handle it without getting out of my head.” I open my eyes and grip onto the counter, realizing that I’m the one that fucked up once again. “I need to go find her. Fuck, I can’t live without her. I’ve loved her since the day she attacked me in the alley with a hug. I fell in love with that girl and it took me what seems like an eternity to figure that out. It might be too late now. Fuck me!”

  Gripping my shoulder, Stone nods his head in understanding. “Better late than never, asshole,” he says jokingly. “Never too late, not when you have the kind of love you two have. I have heard it all, man. Now, I’m no mushy pussy or anything, but it’s real, bro. Even I can see that.”

  Shaking off Stone’s grip, I pace around the kitchen, trying to get my thoughts in check. I really can’t fuck this shit up again. At some point I’m going to be out of chances. No one gives an unlimited supply. I need to let things go and chase after what makes me happy. That has always been her. Always will be.

  “I need to go.” I rush past Stone and through the living room, slipping on my leather jacket. “Tell me where she lives.”

  He hesitates.

  “Now dammit!”

  “Uhh . . .” He closes his eyes in thought for a moment. “1623 Spring Drive.” I open the door and get ready to walk out. “Dude, you want me to go with?” he asks.

  I turn back around. “Nah. I n
eed to do this alone.” I give him a nod. “Thanks, man.” Then, I turn around and rush out the door, jumping in my truck.

  I’m about two blocks away from Onyx’s street when it starts pouring outside. It’s coming down so hard that it’s making it hard to see out the window. “Fuck! Please be here.” I pull up in front of the house and jump out, leaving my truck running. I don’t want to waste anymore time being away from her. I can’t do it.

  I run up to the porch and reach for the handle, but it’s locked, so I knock loudly, hoping that Onyx will answer. If it were unlocked then she wouldn’t have much of a choice.

  A few seconds later the door opens to Sage. She steps out, holding her car keys. “Hey. What are you doing here?” She sounds a little panicked as she looks around. “I’m sorry-”

  “It’s fine,” I cut her off. I don’t have time for this right now. “Where is she?”

  She shuts the door behind her and holds her hand up in an unsuccessful attempt to block the rain. “I don’t know. We were talking and then she just took off on her motorcycle like twenty minutes ago. She seemed upset and in a hurry.”

  Dammit! I hope she’s not caught out in this downpour.

  “Fuck!” I punch the porch railing and fist my hair. “I’m going to find her. Where would she be at?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe at Vixens’. She didn’t say . . . or maybe at Jade’s.”

  “Alright. I have to go.” I grab her head and quickly kiss her on the forehead. “Love you.”

  “Love you too, Hemy,” she screams after me as I run over to my truck and hop in.

  Riding around, I start to panic at the thought of Onyx out riding in this weather. Two wheels on slick roadways doesn’t mix. I would never forgive myself if something happened to her.

  I pull up to Vixens’ and drive around the whole parking lot in search of my old motorcycle. My heart sinks when I don’t spot it anywhere. “Dammit, Onyx! Fuck, you better be at Jade’s.”

  The rain doesn’t let up any as I pull back out onto the street and head over to Jade’s house. I pull up in front of the house that changed my damn life. If it weren’t for Jade’s birthday party then who knows when I would have seen Onyx again.