All That Is Left of Us

by Catherine Miller

  ‘Hi, everyone. My name’s Brian and I’ll be taking today’s class on the bit you’re all worrying about: labour.’

  Well, for anyone who wasn’t worried, they would be now. Thanks, Brian. Dawn was trying not to think about that part. It signified the end and yet the beginning. Also, there was the small inconvenience of a shedload of pain, only without the euphoria at the end of it to cancel it out. She was hoping the birth would be quick. Considering her labour with Archie had been less than twelve hours, she was sure this one would pop out like a cork, but she had left it ten years between labours. A speedy delivery would be a suitable reward for having carried Rebekah and David’s baby. She was wishing for that and a bloody good night’s sleep afterwards. And the day after that. And that.

  When Brian started to get contraptions out to demonstrate how forceps and ventouse worked, Dawn’s squeamish nature turned away from the talk.

  Caitlin’s stare pierced through her. She was looking right at her and yet beyond her at the same time. It was freaky.

  Dawn turned her attention back to the talk, knowing there was nowhere to hide. Was it possible Caitlin knew more about what had happened than she thought? She couldn’t. That was impossible.

  ‘Time for a tea break,’ Brian said. ‘I can see you’re all glazing over and this is a late night out for you mummies-to-be.’

  ‘Wow. That was a lot of information,’ Rebekah said, her cheeks flushed with enthusiasm. Either that or the foam suit might be a bit much to wear for an entire hot spring evening. ‘Do you still think you’re going to go for a natural birth?’

  Dawn chanced a glance in Caitlin’s direction. The odd gaze in her expression was gone and she was now chatting to the man she was here with. Dawn was imagining things. She concentrated on Rebekah and her question like she should be doing. ‘If everything goes to plan.’ She was hoping it would all be natural. She’d managed it with Archie.

  ‘Do you think it will go to plan?’ Rebekah said.

  This was one of those eggshell moments. The ones she tried to avoid for the sake of Rebekah and David. They’d had so much heartache already, they needed to have a happy ending this time. She needed to give that to them. ‘We’re in the best hands the NHS can provide. Of course it will. And if it doesn’t, we’ll have all the help we need to get Junior out.’ If she ended up needing a C-section, she didn’t care. All that mattered was that the baby came out safely.

  ‘I’m going to go and get that lady’s phone number like you suggested.’ Rebekah stood with more ease than Dawn would be able to muster after sitting for the best part of an hour. ‘See you in a minute.’

  Dawn’s inability to move at any speed left her vulnerable. She didn’t want to be a sitting duck for conversations she didn’t want to have. Summoning the ability to get out of the chair, she went to go and collect leaflets she didn’t really want or need in an effort to occupy herself. It didn’t stop what she was trying to avoid from happening though.

  Caitlin caught her arm to grab her attention. ‘We should get together once we’ve had our little ones. It’ll be like the old days although under very different circumstances.’

  ‘Erm…’ was all Dawn managed to squeeze out in way of protest. She wasn’t having a baby. She might be pregnant, but Junior wasn’t hers.

  ‘Here’s my card.’ Caitlin dished one out to her even though she hadn’t managed a full response.

  Dawn took it. ‘That would be nice.’ She said it like she meant it, because, in truth, there was a part of her that missed her old friend. She’d not wanted to walk away from their friendship in the way she’d had to. If they did meet up she could explain about the surrogacy then, to save blowing Rebekah’s cover now. And maybe she would tell her about Archie.

  ‘Holy Mother of God. There was no way that was Braxton-Hicks,’ Caitlin said in a burst, grabbing the arm of the man she was with. ‘Fuck. You’ve done this before. How do you know when it’s actually started?’

  Dawn hesitated in her answer. It would be a pretty cheap trick if it was a way of getting her to confess about the past, but there was no point in keeping it a secret if she already knew. ‘You know. And if you’re not sure, your body will let you know soon enough. So do you think you’re in labour?’

  ‘Yes, I knew it was more than backache, Karl,’ Caitlin chastised the man she was gripping tightly. From their wedding bands, Dawn guessed it must be her husband.

  ‘Maybe you should talk to Brian? He’ll be able to advise you.’ As there was a qualified midwife in the room, he seemed like the sensible person to turn to.

  ‘Get him over here,’ Caitlin yelped to her husband.

  Karl, pale and silent, did exactly as Caitlin told him to. As Brian arrived, there was a pop followed by a gush. The shiny puddle that formed was the clearest confirmation they were going to get. Only the fluid from Caitlin’s waters wasn’t as clear as it should be.

  Chapter 2

  Owerdale Primary School was in the most picturesque setting possible. Owerdale itself was on the east edge of the New Forest with a steady and settled population that was bolstered by tourists during the sunnier months.

  The school was part of the hub of Owerdale town, but it backed on to nothing more than the forest and required cattle grids to stop the New Forest ponies from trying to attend classes.

  Having lived in Owerdale all her life, Dawn had attended the school herself as a youngster and it was fair to say not much had changed. Often it felt like she hadn’t either.

  But the teaching assistant job she’d managed to get there was a blessing. It was perfect at a time when she needed to fit everything in with being Archie’s mum. He required more than the average parent would have to provide, which was why she never planned to have another. That was until it was someone else’s. Being the bearer of a baby rather than the owner didn’t seem too bad a prospect, especially when it meant helping David and Rebekah, the people who meant most to her.

  Although, underneath that veneer of wanting to help, she also knew this might be the only chance she ever got to get out of this rut she was in. The school might be set in some of the best scenery possible, but that didn’t stop Dawn from wanting a change. To try and at long last start to make an income from her passion. Her artistic skills were getting a little lost on display boards no one was paying any attention to.

  The staffroom Dawn was waiting in could have done with a display board or two. Empty, it was a cavernous cave of eerie calm. Dawn was so used to being here only at lunch times when it was bustling, the space seemed at odds with itself now it was just her.

  ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry,’ Jane said as she entered. Always apologising that one, even when she didn’t need to.

  ‘It’s okay. I didn’t mind waiting even if it is creepy in here when everyone else is in class.’

  ‘Yeah, looks kind of messy as well.’ The L-shaped staffroom was a sadly neglected space.

  Dawn wasn’t going to miss it. The people, yes. Maybe even some of the pupils themselves, but not the place. And as it was only temporary, she’d be back before she knew it.

  ‘What do you need to know?’ Dawn said. It was her last day as Jane’s teaching assistant, but they were also best friends. So sometimes these supervisory meetings were a bit strained. Fortunately, she’d never put Jane in a position where she had to tell her off. But parting ways for a while was going to be hard, even if they would still be in touch.

  ‘Nothing. I don’t really need to do an exit interview. You’re not leaving. You’re coming back as soon as your maternity leave is over.’

  That was the plan. ‘So what are we doing here?’ The deputy head was covering their class so they weren’t here on a jolly.

  ‘I’m sorry. I know you said you didn’t want a fuss or anything.’

  ‘But?’ Dawn should have known she wouldn’t be able to leave quietly. Just as long as the rest of the school staff weren’t hiding in the overflowing litter bin. Did they ever get a cleaner in here?

  ‘I couldn’t
let you leave without doing something.’

  ‘I told you there was no need. The only thing I want you to do is remember I’m the best TA you’re ever going to have so don’t get attached to my temporary replacement.’

  ‘I know that’s what you said, but it doesn’t mean I agree. You do deserve something nice by way of a send-off.’

  In a normal set of circumstances, it would be a baby shower with gifts to help over the first six months, but there was nothing usual about Dawn’s departure. ‘I’ll settle for the chance to follow my dream.’

  ‘Well, that, plus you’re helping David and Rebekah achieve theirs and I know the usual gifts don’t apply, so I sorted an unusual one.’

  Jane went over to a hidden corner and left Dawn wondering how many people could hide in this room without being noticed. If anyone sprang out from behind a cushion she would box their ears, even if she was hindered by being full-term and at the point she would give birth any day.

  ‘It’s a bit big.’ Jane lugged over a wrapped present peeking out from a black sack. ‘I figure you won’t want to open it here. I’ll give you a hand with getting it home.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘You’ll have to wait and find out when you open it. I suggest you choose a moment when you’re missing us. Or more specifically me.’

  ‘I’m not going to get the chance to, am I?’ Jane was going to be walking Archie to and from school and they were planning to restart their regular weekly wine and pistachio night as soon as possible.

  ‘We’ll miss you and you’ll miss us. The school won’t be the same without you about. Who’s going to keep us all in check now?’

  ‘No one, judging by the mess in this staffroom.’

  The bell for the end of school rang and it was like the whole of Owerdale Primary School let out a sigh of relief.

  ‘Come on. Let’s go find Archie.’

  As always, ten-year-old Archie was waiting inside the classroom with his teacher until Dawn arrived. It was one thing she would miss about being here: the security of knowing her son was okay and being looked after. Not that that wouldn’t happen while she was away, but being on site helped if she was ever needed.

  His teacher, Ms Clayton, smiled broadly at their arrival, Archie busy at his desk, drawing away. ‘Last day then, Dawn?’

  ‘Yes. Jane will be doing the school run until the summer to give me a chance to rest and recover.’ Dawn was due to give birth a few weeks ahead of the school breaking up for the summer holidays.

  ‘It’s such a wonderful thing you’re doing.’ Ms Clayton beamed at her like a halo had appeared above her head for the saintly act she was carrying out.

  ‘I’m sure lots of other people would do it in my position.’ It was the standard answer she was dishing out to everyone who was looking at her with awe.

  ‘Well, we look forward to your return.’

  ‘Thank you. Come on, Archie.’ Dawn prompted her son before she was asked questions about what she was up to and when she would be back. It would ruin her saintly aura if anyone at the school other than Jane knew she might be doing this for her own benefit to try and start making money from her artistic skills as well as helping her brother and sister-in-law.

  Dawn’s pace was slower than Archie and Jane’s. It was part of the reason her friend had offered to start doing the school run with them, that and getting Archie accustomed to it being someone other than his mum taking him to and from school.

  At the lamp post they paused, waiting for Dawn to catch up. It was a system she’d been using for years to get her son to slow down and stay out of danger.

  ‘What is in that bag?’ Dawn asked.

  The present Jane was lugging to the flat was a tad cumbersome. Without opening it, at a guess it was maybe a pillow. She just hoped someone hadn’t brought a breastfeeding one by mistake.

  ‘I told you. Open it when you’re missing us. Whenever that might be.’

  ‘I don’t think that’ll be too long. I’m not going to know what to do with the spare time on my hands.’ There was plenty she needed to do, starting off with the art portfolio she was going to put together for the tattoo artist apprenticeship she was due to start in September. But even that might not be enough to keep her busy.

  ‘How did the antenatal class go with Rebekah?’

  ‘The fake bump did the trick.’ Dawn had returned the prop to its storage. ‘I just hope Rebekah and David start to get a bit more prepared.’ They were leaving everything as close to the due date as possible and it was making her twitchy.

  ‘They still haven’t brought anything then?’

  ‘Not yet. This weekend, apparently. I was going to tell you – the class ended with a bit of drama. Do you remember Caitlin Matthews from college?’

  Jane nodded.

  ‘She was there and she went into labour during the class. Her waters broke and everything.’

  ‘Woah. Was she all right? Did she have the baby at the class?’

  ‘I don’t know how it turned out. Her waters broke, but they weren’t clear. It all became a bit urgent after that and the midwife whisked her away to the labour ward. I’ve no idea what the outcome was.’

  ‘Oh, you don’t think…?’

  A worrying chill ran down Dawn’s back. She didn’t like to think about it. Especially with the precious cargo she was carrying. ‘She gave me her card with her phone number. I don’t know whether to contact her.’

  ‘Of course you should. If she’s a new mummy she’ll want the support and if something did go wrong, well, it’s not like you’ll have a baby to tout in her face. You’d be able to empathise with her on some level.’

  ‘I guess so. I’ll send her a text in a few days.’ Dawn wasn’t keen to rekindle any old college connections, especially ones that so closely connected her past with her present, but there was an instinct within wanting to know if the dramatic events in that class had turned out okay. ‘Archie, wait at the lamp post.’ Her son was too busy studying cracks in the pavement to notice he’d passed his stopping point.

  ‘I’m counting,’ he said, his brown head of curls not moving from the task. Normally this would be the point she’d run to catch up with him, but that was pretty much impossible now without inducing labour.

  ‘Look where you’re going, Archie,’ Dawn said.

  Jane caught on to Dawn’s concern and managed a hop skip and a jump to be by his side. ‘You missed the lamp post, Archie. You’ll be walking into the road if you keep going.’

  ‘I’m counting the cracks.’

  ‘But we need to slow down for Mummy today. She can’t keep up with us at the moment, can she?’

  Archie peered up from his task for the first time. ‘That’s not my fault.’ He said it with such spite it made Dawn sad, but he was right – it wasn’t his fault. He was having a hard time reasoning through the whole process, which was understandable. He turned his gaze back to the pavement and continued his march towards the road.

  Jane kept parallel with him, hoping, as Dawn was, that he’d have the good sense to stop as soon as he reached the kerb. When he didn’t, Jane used the very-likely-a-cushion gift to act as a stopping mechanism. Its presence thankfully stopped him in his tracks.

  No easy task when it came to dealing with a ten-year-old so blinkered in his actions he wasn’t able to recognise the dangers around him. It concerned Dawn that his awareness of the world hadn’t developed any more than when he was a toddler. She was lucky to have Jane who was so good with him and knew not to cross certain boundaries.

  ‘I want to count.’

  ‘We’ll carry on counting across the road,’ Jane said.

  Archie’s fists were balls of frustration. The changes in his routine were already proving to be problematic. Thank goodness Dawn would only be out of action for a few weeks and not have another child in tow permanently. She was pretty certain Archie would have a really hard time adjusting to not being her only priority.

  ‘I want to count,’ Archie twitched, not abl
e to keep his annoyance inside.

  Dawn caught up, feeling slightly out of breath. Her lung capacity was definitely being impeded by her tight bump.

  ‘Count until you’re calm again,’ Dawn instructed Archie, knowing it would take him a minute or two to wind down.

  They stood there for a bit like lemons until Archie was ready to concentrate on the task of crossing the road. If this was how Archie was reacting at the point she was still here, she wasn’t sure how it would be when she wasn’t. But she would find out soon enough as Jane had also offered to take him on his weekly trip to the zoo on Saturday. There was nothing like going in at the deep end when it came to testing the water.

  Chapter 3

  By the time the weekend arrived, Dawn was a little sad to have her first free Saturday in eons taken up with a task that wasn’t hers. Still, it didn’t seem quite so bad all the time she was lying on a comfy John Lewis bed, pretending to test it out.

  During the brief respite, she did what she’d been avoiding and texted Caitlin. She didn’t really want to. It was a life she’d left behind. But it was their shared history that was making Dawn care. Distant as those memories were, she couldn’t forget the friendship they’d had and what it had led to.

  It was those thoughts that gave her enough courage. It was a quick enquiry as regards the baby’s health and hers.

  ‘Should we get one of those nests, do you think? You know. The type that sits next to the bed. Or will a Moses basket be okay to start off with?’ Rebekah got comfy next to Dawn. ‘Are you okay? Is this getting a bit much?’

  What? The one hundred and fifty-eight questions you’ve asked me since we came out? Nah, course not. The private thought amused Dawn, but it wasn’t one she’d say out loud. Even if her patience was wearing thin, she knew David and Rebekah only wanted to get things right and it was only because they were so worried that they’d waited until this late in the pregnancy to purchase their entire baby shopping list. ‘The walking’s just getting a bit much and it’s tired me out. If you two don’t mind, I think I might go and have a drink and get the weight off my feet.’