Just an Illusion - EP

by D. Kelly

  With a kiss to the top of my head, he releases me. “Somehow we’ll figure out a way to get you through this. I promise. You and Amelia both.”

  After my dad closes the door behind him, I take a deep breath. Seeing Noah like this hurts me in a way I’ve never felt. I’m shattering somewhere deep inside and I don’t think whatever is breaking will ever recover.

  His head is wrapped in a large bandage, and he has a tube breathing for him. He’s pale…I’ve never seen Noah before without color in his cheeks, he’s always been bigger than life. There are so many monitors—you’d think this was in an effort to save him, not to determine we need to let him go.

  Pulling the chair as close to him as I can, I take Noah’s hand in mine and lay my head against his thigh. His hand is warm but never once does he move. I wish I could pretend he’s sleeping, but I know it’s not the case.

  “Fuck, Noah, I’m so fucking angry right now.” My chest heaves as I gasp for air. “This isn’t how our lives were supposed to end up. In the last six months, every happiness you ever wanted was handed to you on a silver fucking platter. You and Mel were supposed to make all these gorgeous babies and I was supposed to find a girl as good as her and make some of my own.”

  I’m hysterical and don’t even bother wiping away my tears. “Warren says the truck driver was speeding. You, Harold, and Belle better be kicking his ass hard up there. Are you there, though? Wherever there is? Because you’re still here with me right now and I’d give anything, Noah, anything at all to have you back.

  “They said you were a medical miracle and you should have never made it off the bus. You had to have been in way more pain than you were letting on. Why didn’t you say anything?” I wish he would answer me. My chest hurts from crying and my throat is raw, but I have to talk to him while there’s still time. “I did what you asked and stayed with Mel, but we should have had more words, Noah. If I’d known it was the last time we’d ever talk, I would have said so much more. You’re my best friend and the most amazing brother. I wish a brain was like a kidney and I could give you mine … you deserve to be here so much more than I do. Mel deserves her husband and Nate deserves a father.”

  I’m trying to breathe through my sobs but it’s no use; this will never be okay. I don’t want to let him go.

  “Sawyer …” I hadn’t heard Anna walk in. She leans over me and wraps her arms around me. “I’m so sorry, Sawyer.” Wrapped in Anna’s arms, I allow myself a few moments to grieve. I’m not only crying for me, I’m crying for Noah, too. I don’t care how much he believes in fate, he would have never been on board for this shit.

  After a few moments, she crouches down next to me and turns my face toward hers. Anna has seen me at many stages of vulnerable before but she’s never seen me shattered.

  “What can I do for you, Sawyer?” she asks as her own tears stream down her cheeks. Her hand covers the back side of Noah’s and her fingers grip mine, too, since I’m still holding him tight.

  “Rewind time and have it be me.”

  Shock mars her beautiful features as her tears fall harder and faster. “Don’t say that, Sawyer. We’d be just as lost without you as we’re going to be without Noah.”

  “He’s got a wife and a kid, Bethie. I’d give myself a million times over for him to be here with them.”

  She exhales softly as her determined eyes meet mine. “This is the most fucked-up situation we’ve ever been in, but this was fate.”

  She sees the anger flare in my eyes and holds up her free hand. “Hear me out. It doesn’t matter what we think, Noah believes in fate. He’s talked about it since we were kids. His belief was the core of who he was, and for us to discredit that now isn’t fair to the way he lived his life. There’s not a doubt in my mind Noah would have called it fate to justify losing Belle. There’s nothing we can do but say goodbye, honor him and his legacy, and take care of Mel and Nate for as long as they need us.”

  Anna has always been a straight shooter; it’s why we’re such good friends. She’s never been one to bullshit or sugar-coat anything. I might hate what she’s saying, but I also know she’s completely right. Noah would call this fate no matter how bad it sucks ass.

  “You’re right, Bethie, but I don’t know how to let him go. I don’t know who I am without him. I’ll never be whole again.”

  She sighs and takes a seat on the edge of Noah’s bed. I sit up and meet her gaze. “Gradually, Sawyer. We all take it gradually. First, we say goodbye, then we let him go because … he’s already gone, Sawyer. Then we take a pause and say a prayer for all the people he’s going to save. Noah’s last heroic act is to save lives. As we move from one day to the next we make sure Mel and Darren do, too. One day at a time.”

  “Okay, Bethie, gradually. One minute, one hour, one day at a time.”

  She swallows and nods. “Good. Other people would like to come in before Mel wakes up. Do you think you can handle that?”

  If I had my choice I wouldn’t leave this room until after Noah is gone, but I can’t be that selfish.

  “No, but I’ll try.”

  There’s a soft knock at the door and my sisters and Rob poke their heads in. Their sadness is overwhelming. Right now, everything is just so fucking overwhelming. I need air. Diane hugs me as Rory sits next to Noah and cries. “Has anyone called Eli?” I ask, knowing Mel could use her friend.

  “He’s on his way,” Rory answers.

  Anna and I leave the room. I take a deep breath as she rubs my back. “Have you seen Nate yet?” I ask, and she shakes her head. “Alright, let’s go see him because he helps ease the pain.”

  Anna follows me down the hall to Mel’s room and I’m surprised to see my mom at her bedside, clutching her hand. Nate is sleeping in the bassinette next to the bed and I scoop him out and into my arms. This little guy is the only reason I’m still standing right now. I’ll never break my promise to Noah; I’ll watch over him and Mel until my dying breath if they need me to.

  “He’s Noah’s mini-me,” Anna says softly.

  “Isn’t he?” my mom replies with a sad smile. “He’s the only thing keeping me from losing my mind right now. Knowing Noah was able to leave part of himself with us …” She doesn’t finish her thought, but we get it. I wonder if we all feel the same. I wonder if Mel will. She was so hesitant to have a child in the first place, I’m terrified for what is going to come next without Noah and Belle being here for her. I honestly don’t know if Nate will be enough to keep her going, but I hope he is. For all our sakes.

  “Has she woken up at all?” I ask, passing Nate to Anna.

  “She’s beginning to stir and has been calling out for Belle,” Mom answers.

  The oppressive sadness hanging in the air between us is ridiculous. As much as I don’t ever want to leave this hospital, I can’t wait to get out of here.

  “I’m afraid for her, Mom.”

  She looks up at me with broken eyes. “Me too, Sawyer. But it’s up to us to get her through this, no matter how hard it is for us. It’s what Noah would want.”

  Leaning down, I kiss her head and wrap my arms around her shoulders. “I love you, Mom, so much. I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.”

  When she hears my words, she stills and stands, nailing me with her angry mom gaze. “Sawyer Weston, this is not your fault. Don’t ever blame yourself for this. The doctor says he was beyond saving. I’m so thankful I didn’t lose both of you tonight. I don’t know why you weren’t on your bus, but I’m so happy you weren’t.”

  Perspective–it’s an odd thing. I wish I had been on the bus, I wish Belle had been saved, but I never once thought what it would do to my parents and sisters if they’d lost us both. This is too much to deal with right now. I should find J and get one of his anxiety pills.

  “Belle … Noah … please answer me.” Mel is calling out in her sleep, and my heart takes a dive into my stomach. She’s not dreaming, she’s remembering. Taking the seat my mom just vacated, I
grab her hand.

  “Shh, Princess, it’s okay. We’re here and we’ve got you. You’re safe now, I promise.”

  “Sawyer.” Her eyes flutter open with my words and I’m regretting speaking. Things are only going to go downhill from here.

  “Hey, Mel, we’re here,” I say as my mom pours her a cup of water.

  “Here, sweetheart, take a drink.” She holds the cup to Mel’s lips.

  “Can we please move the bed up a little bit?” Mel asks, her eyes becoming a little more focused with each passing second. Anna walks to her bedside with Nate in her arms and Mel smiles up at her.

  “Anna, you look good with a baby.”

  “Maybe someday,” she says as she lowers him to Mel. “Can you hold him?”

  Mel releases my hand and nods. “I think so if you can prop him in my good arm. I don’t want to whack him with my cast..”

  Anna lowers the baby into her arms, and we watch as Mel coos at him for the first time and places a loving kiss against his head. “I can’t believe how much he looks like Noah. Where is he?”

  Reaching out for Nate, I hand him back to Anna as Mom and I exchange pained glances.

  “I’m going to take Nate to meet Wyatt. I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Anna says. Mel doesn’t say anything, but her eyes are focused on us.

  “Mel, what’s the last thing you remember?” I ask as my mom takes the seat next to me.

  “Everything is foggy, Sawyer,” she answers on a sigh as tears begin to stream down her cheeks. “It wasn’t a dream, was it? Belle is gone, isn’t she?” Her pained words break my heart, especially since this is only the beginning of her nightmare.

  “Yeah, Mel, she is.” Nodding, she closes her eyes. “Noah … I remember kissing Noah as he was holding Nate. Everything after that is fuzzy. Where is he?” Her tone is becoming frantic and my mom takes her hand again.

  “Amelia, Noah was injured in the crash and needed surgery.” Tears are streaming down Mom’s cheeks.

  “He’s okay, right? Noah’s okay?” She rips her hand away and tries to sit up further. The painful cries falling from her lips pierce me to my core. Her body is bent and broken but she’s only now realizing that herself.

  “No, sweetheart, I’m afraid Noah isn’t okay.”

  Mel stops moving and the color immediately drains from her face. “You’re lying!” she screams, and Mom pales at her accusation.

  “Princess … Noah is on life support.”

  “Wha- what do you mean? Life support?”

  For the next few minutes, my mom and I explain everything the doctor told us, but Mel is in denial.

  “No, I don’t believe you. I want to see him.” She pushes herself up and moves her legs over the side of the bed, crying out in pain. I rush to grab the wheelchair in the corner of the room.

  “Mel, stop! Let me put you in the chair. You’re injured and you shouldn’t be moving around like this. Please let me help you … I promised Noah … please, Princess, let me keep my promise.”

  She relents, her body sagging like a ragdoll, the fight in her suddenly gone. I lift her up and carefully put her in the wheelchair as my mom rolls her I.V. stand next to her. After removing her blood pressure cuff, the three of us make our way to Noah’s room in silence. Diane and Rob are with him when we walk in but exit wordlessly upon our arrival.

  “Noah,” Mel cries out softly before wailing, “Oh God no … please no … Noah!” Before I can blink, Mel bounds out of the chair and into the bed with Noah. She curls into his side and rests her head against his heart.

  My mom clutches my hand for strength as we helplessly watch Mel fall apart in front of our eyes.

  “You’re wrong. I hear his heart beating. It’s strong and steady. Come on, Noah, wake up. Tell them they’re wrong. Tell them you’re just napping because you need to be extra strong so you can be Nate’s daddy. Please wake up and tell them, Noah … please.”

  I’m not sure how long we watched as she cried, her head on his chest, listening to Noah’s heart beating in her ears. Long enough for me to pray she was right and we were all idiots. Long enough to hope love could bring him back to her … to us. Long enough to wish I’d left before she made her next request.

  “Go get Nate for me.”

  She never looked up, but my mom immediately complied. Within minutes she was back with the baby.

  “Can you lay him on Noah’s chest please?” Mom again does as she’s asked and Mel wraps one of Noah’s arms around Nate, as well as her arm with the I.V. in it, and pulls them all into a family hug. It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. Mom flees the room sobbing, but I can’t bring myself to leave, to give them privacy. Instead, I make my way to the corner of the room and try to distance myself as much as possible. She’s only got one semi-good arm and I may need to grab Nate at any given time.

  “This is our family, Noah. Me, you, and Nate. It’s everything you ever wanted, all you have to do is reach for it. Don’t leave us, Noah, not when we need you the most. Please, God, don’t take him from me. They’re all I have left.”

  She’s wrong; she has all of us but she can’t see it through her pain. And it’s not my place to bring it up. Not now.

  Hours passed as I sat in the corner and kept watch over them. Each of Mel’s periodic pleas more heartbreaking than the last.

  “Come on, Noah, time to wake up. Show me those gorgeous eyes and that panty-melting smile. Sing for us, please. Nate just got here and there are mud fights to be had, guitars to be played, lessons to teach, and you know he’s going to need a brother or sister. He needs his daddy, Noah, and we haven’t even had a year. We only got one Thanksgiving, one Christmas, one New Year, and you’re supposed to give me fireworks.”

  She hiccups and sobs as Nate sleeps soundly, wrapped in their love. “Don’t forget you promised me fifty years, Noah … at least. Baby, please wake up.”

  Tony walks in with his laptop bag hanging off his shoulder. When he sees the sight before him, he runs his hands through his hair and collapses into a chair next to the door. His eyes catch mine before he drops his head into his hands and cries.

  Tony and Noah have always been close. They’ve been friends since high school and are both major planners. They geek out on plotting life’s unexpected scenarios. And even if they had a plan for this, I’m sure they never expected to implement it.

  Making my way over to him, I place my hand on his shoulder. “Who called you?” I ask in a low tone.

  “Warren did, after you got the news. I brought … the paperwork. Can I talk to Mel?”

  With a nod, I reply, “I’m not sure how receptive she’ll be.”

  A light rap on the door is followed by two doctors entering the room. They’re ones I haven’t seen before. Another doctor trails in behind them; he’s the one who gave us the news about Noah.

  “Mr. Weston, we need to perform Noah’s six-hour assessment. It would be best if you all waited outside and we’ll let you back in when we’re done.”

  “Go to hell!” Mel cries out from the bed. “I’m not leaving. Any tests you need to do you’ll do in front of me. You’re not killing him before his time. Noah’s still in there and he’s going to fight.”

  With the patience of a saint, the doctor replies, “Very well, Mrs. Weston, but you and the baby will need to move during the testing.”

  I take my cue and pry Nate out from under Noah and Mel’s arms.

  “Amelia,” Tony says, “why don’t you let the doctors do their tests and we can go over Noah’s wishes?”

  “I’m not leaving, Tony. You can come back in and talk to me when they’re done.” Her head still on Noah’s chest, she doesn’t even look up. With a resigned sigh, Tony and I leave the room.

  “So he had a plan for all this, didn’t he?” I ask once we’re in the hall. Diane comes up to listen and takes the baby from me.

  “Yes, in fact … Noah updated everything a few days after the wedding. Advanced directive,
medical power of attorney, will, you name it and it’s been updated.”

  “Well … that’s good. I guess. At least Noah will get everything the way he wants it. I suppose that’s important right now.” Diane’s words echo through the hall, but the emptiness in them carries most of all.

  Everything except his wife, his kid, and his life.

  “I’m going to get some coffee. I’ll be back.”

  After taking a piss, and getting some coffee, I take a glance outside. There is a sea of people sitting vigil outside the hospital with signs and candles. Crying fans are everywhere, just waiting for some kind of update. I overheard Sam say he was posting one and needed approval.

  I duck into an empty stairwell and close my eyes. We had a blast the past ten years, but none of this was worth the expense of losing Noah, Belle, and Harold. I’d give it all back in a heartbeat if I could. I’m trying to think what Noah would do right now and, picturing the fans outside, I know.

  As I make my way back to the waiting room, I’m determined to do something good. When I enter, my eyes take in my weary family and it firms my resolve even more.

  “Look, this is shit, but who wants a project?”

  Eli looks up from next to Rory. I didn’t even realize he was here yet. “I’ll help. What do you need?”

  “We need food. Catered, something good. Any price, it doesn’t matter. There are hundreds of people outside the hospital … get them food, too. Food for us, the staff, and the fans. It’s what Noah would do and therefore, it’s what we should be doing. If the staff can’t get out and is stuck eating hospital food, that’s an issue. And as much as we don’t want to eat, we have to. Mel needs us, Nate needs us, and Noah needs us to be strong for them.”

  Warren smiles up at me and nods his head in approval. Even Veronica smiles at me as she kisses Cadence while she sleeps in her arms. “We’re on it, Sawyer. Go back to Mel and take care of her,” Eli says with tears in his eyes.