Just an Illusion - EP

by D. Kelly

  “You better not let Anna hear you say that.”

  He laughs lightly. “People can have more than one best friend. Both of us are blessed with many of them. You’re the one I spend the most time with, though, so you’re the one I miss most.”

  The underlying tone to this conversation is heavier than I’m willing to admit to myself. Right now, I’m just relieved it was all a misunderstanding.

  “Can we agree Lola comes nowhere near this house anymore? I can’t have that around my son or Cadence.”

  “For sure. I told her I wasn’t interested and put her in the car so Ryan could take her home. I didn’t even want to be associated with her in case anyone was taking photos or something.”

  “Okay.”

  He kisses me on the head and stands us both up. “What time are the kids coming home?”

  “Around five, I think.”

  “Good. Get dressed and let me take you to breakfast.”

  “You want to buy me breakfast?”

  “I want to do a lot of things, Mel. I was sad yesterday, ten months is a long time to be sad. I know things will never be the same, but after last night I realized we need to start living a little more outside of this house and our bubble.”

  He’s ready to move on. I knew it would come but it stings a bit.

  “Sawyer …”

  “Nope, no arguments. We’ve walked this road together thus far and we’re going to keep walking it together. If I’m getting out of my bubble, so are you. Breakfast and the farmer’s market, okay?”

  “You don’t play fair, Weston.”

  “Neither do you, Weston. Get dressed.”

  The waitress brings our food and places a hand on Sawyer’s shoulder. “I’m sorry about your brother, sweetie, and your husband,” she says, turning to me. “He was one of the good ones.”

  “Thanks,” he replies, and I nod. She’s an older woman, probably mid-fifties, with a kind smile.

  “Let me know if you need anything else.”

  As she walks away, he looks at me. “Sorry, I forgot I haven’t been in here since before the accident.”

  “It’s alright. Do you know her well?”

  “I guess … we used to come here a lot. Especially after pulling an all-nighter in the studio. The food is good, greasy, and fresh. This is Darren’s favorite breakfast spot.”

  The diner is small and filled with mostly elderly people. No one blinked twice at us when we came in.

  “Makes sense. It’s pretty low-key.”

  He chuckles. “That’s why I like it. Darren has a love affair with their banana pancakes.”

  Taking a bite of my banana waffles, I groan with pleasure. “I can see why.”

  Sawyer pulls his lip ring into his mouth and bites down on his lip. He’s holding something back, I only wish he’d tell me what.

  “Tell me one thing about you no one knows,” I say, trying to get him talking again.

  He thinks about it for a minute and then flashes me an adorably shy smile. “When I was a kid, I wanted to be a doctor. Blood always made me queasy, but it was even worse after everything went down with J.”

  “That explains why you always took such good care of me. You’re the only one who jumped at the chance to change my bandages.”

  A slight blush creeps into his cheeks. “It might not have been for completely altruistic reasons. It was an easy way to somehow be able to touch you. Even so, you needed help, and Noah couldn’t do it after the Sara thing. Then, after the accident, you needed help and I didn’t want Eli putting his hands near you.”

  Putting my fork on my plate, my gaze meets his. “You like to help people. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that. I never felt needy asking your for help. You would have made a good doctor, Sawyer. You still could if you wanted to. You’re young enough to go back to school.”

  He laughs and shakes his head. “Nah, it’s not for me anymore. How about you? Tell me one thing no one knows about you.”

  “The day I found my dad, the police were the ones to give me my birthday present and card after they cleared the scene. I’ve never opened them. They’re in my bottom dresser drawer.”

  “How come?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe because it’s the last gift I’ll ever get from him, or maybe I want to save it for when I really need to feel close to him.”

  “And Belle didn’t know?”

  An ache fills my heart because I lied to her and can never make it right. “No. I told her I opened it and it was just some jewelry. She would have never let me get away with not opening it.”

  “Maybe you should think about why that is. Enough of this sad talk, let’s go to the farmer’s market and have some fun.”

  We had a fun afternoon and came home with lots of fruits and vegetables. We even stopped at the toy store and got Nate some presents for his first birthday. The house is already overflowing with baby toys, especially since Cadence’s first birthday, but you only turn one once and I can always donate them when they’re done with them.

  Our fun day took a nosedive after Veronica brought the kids home. I’m sitting on the floor changing Cadence as Nate crawls right up to Sawyer’s legs and says the word I’ve been dreading.

  “Dada.”

  I know it’s a natural progression in language, and he hears Cadence say it all the time so I’m surprised he hasn’t said it sooner, but still … it steals my breath away.

  Sawyer’s eyes meet mine because Nate is reaching up for him, so I nod for him to pick him up. I don’t know what to do, but Sawyer seems to hold his own.

  “Hey, little man. Uncle Sawyer,” he says, pointing to himself.

  “Dada.”

  “Uncle Sawyer,” he says patiently, but now Nate thinks it’s a joke and laughs.

  “Dada.”

  “I’m sorry, Mel. I don’t know what to do but to keep saying it.”

  “It’s okay, Sawyer. It’s natural, right? He sees Cadence call Darren that all the time and to him you’re his Darren. It only makes sense.”

  Sawyer sighs with tear-filled eyes and hugs Nate close. My heart aches for all of us. This is an impossible situation, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with Nate calling anyone else Dad.

  “You’ve got the best dad in the world, Nate, he’s just not here to do his job. You’ve got Uncle Sawyer, though, and I may not be the best but I make a pretty good substitute.”

  “You are the best substitute, Sawyer. Thank you,” I whisper as I pull Cadence in for a hug.

  “Ahmel,” Cadence says, placing a big, open-mouth, slobbery kiss on me. It makes me laugh, which makes her laugh and do it again. She’s such a little copycat. We think “Ahmel” is short for Auntie Mel.

  The rest of the night I found myself sort of hoping Nate would call Darren Dada, too, but he never did. My son is a smart cookie and he knows what it means.

  After the kids are in bed, Sawyer and I are sitting on his bed talking about some upcoming meetings he has this week with one of the songwriters. Both of us are in a little bit of a funk tonight.

  “Mel, I’m sorry about earlier.”

  “There’s nothing to be sorry for. I hate that Noah isn’t here for this, but it does sort of make me proud that Nate is smart enough to realize that’s what you are to him.”

  “No, I’m not.” His tone is adamant while mine is resigned.

  “I know, Sawyer, but you are in all the ways that matter. He’s too little to understand it now, but he knows who protects him and keeps him safe. Biology doesn’t make a parent, Sawyer.”

  He turns to me with wide eyes. “No, it doesn’t, but love does. Noah loved the fuck out of him.”

  “He did, and it’s what makes this all the more tragic. We can show Nate videos and photos and tell him until we’re blue in the face how much Noah loved him.”

  “And we will,” he snaps.

  “Yes, of course we will. But at the end of the day, it’s your love he has.
It’s your hugs that make him feel safe, it’s your voice that sings him to sleep. I know you want to be a part of his life, Sawyer, but I think over the next year or so you’re going to have to decide how big of a role you want because he’s already attached.”

  “There’s no deciding. I want it all, Mel.”

  Nodding, I turn back to him. “But your future wife might not, and your future kids may not understand. You really need to think long and hard about this.”

  “There’s nothing to think about. Any woman who doesn’t understand this isn’t the kind of woman I’d want to spend my life with.”

  “Fair enough.”

  Part of me is relieved to know Sawyer is adamant about being in this for the long haul with Nate. The other part of me is worried Sawyer may sacrifice something good and end up resenting us. There’s nothing I can do, though, because this is our life now and Sawyer is an integral part. I wouldn’t be able to function without him.

  Happy Birthday

  Today is Nate’s first birthday. The family has been here all day and things are finally winding down. We’re putting our love for my little guy in front of our pain, but that pain is just below the surface for us all.

  Mama went to the cemetery and put down flowers. I haven’t been back since the night I almost slept there. I can’t; it’s too hard and honestly, it’s pointless. Noah and Belle’s spirits are long gone. I do feel like they’re looking down on us today but maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

  Instead of going with her, I did the next best thing: wrote Belle a new letter and updated the Slammed blog.

  Hey Slammed Family,

  It’s Mel again. This week marks a year since we lost Belle and Noah. It’s bittersweet, to say the least, because this week also marks a year since I gave birth to Nate. He’s the light of my life. Every day I spend with him is one I will cherish forever.

  Today is Nate’s actual birthday and I’m trying not to focus on the sadness of it. Instead, I’m putting my blessings in front of the tragedy. Nate and I could have easily died in that crash, and while some days I wished I could have gone with Noah, I’m glad to be here now as the mother of a happy one-year-old.

  Noah believed in fate, and one thing I do know is it was fate my son survived that horrendous crash.

  This upcoming year is going to be filled with amazing things. We are officially launching The Noah Weston Foundation for Kind Acts. Noah was known for his generous spirit; we would like to continue that legacy in his honor. We’re working on releasing some previously unreleased music as our first fundraiser. I’ll keep you up to date once I have more information. Updating this blog is my way of trying to keep Belle close to my heart. You guys gave her life, and she loved being able to share all the good things with you.

  The last post I did was for Cadence’s first birthday. Today, you’re getting Nathaniel Noah Weston’s first birthday photo. Next to his picture you’ll notice another first birthday image from years past. When you put them together, other than the age of the photograph itself, you can’t tell them apart, can you? Nate and Noah are twins twenty-nine years apart.

  This past year has been hard, but it’s also given me the biggest blessing of my life. Today, and moving forward, I’m going to put my complete focus into my blessings.

  Until next time, Slammed family.

  With love,

  Amelia

  “Damn, Mel, I can’t believe he’s a year old already,” Eli says as he wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a hug.

  “Me, either. Thank you for coming back for this, I’m so glad you were here. I needed an Eli fix just as much as Nate did.”

  Those baby blues of his meet mine. “I’m only a call away. If you ever need me, I’ll hop the first flight. The tour will be over in a few months and I’ll be back here annoying you before you know it.”

  “Not possible. Well, maybe a little possible, but I’ll take annoying Eli over missing Eli any day. Be safe out there, okay?”

  He hugs me tighter and whispers in my ear, “It was a freak accident, Mel. I’ll be fine. You have to try to get past this fear that as soon as someone leaves something is going to happen to them. But on the off chance it does, you know I love you always.”

  “Me, too. I’m trying to get past it, but I’ve had to try to move past a lot of things this year. Being fearful is a work in progress.”

  “Sawyer said he’s been trying to get you out of the house more.”

  Of course he did.

  “Yeah, we’ve been taking the kids to the park now that the paparazzi has backed off a bit. He reminds me often they need the chance to be kids.”

  “And you, my dear friend, need the chance to enjoy life again. Stop living in the past and putting your sole focus on the kids and the foundation. Live your life because tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us.”

  I pull back from him and shoot him a nasty glare. “It’s only been a year, Eli.”

  “Exactly. You and Noah had less than that. I’m not trying to say your pain isn’t valid, but don’t let the best year of your life keep you from enjoying the eighty or so you have left.”

  “Eighty?”

  With a lopsided smile, he replies, “I’m bad at math, sue me. But fuck it, maybe you will get eighty more years and outlive us all. The keyword being ‘live’. Come on, Mel, it’s time. Take some baby steps to happiness.”

  “You’re a pain in my ass, Eli, but I love the fuck out of you. I’ll try, okay?”

  “That’s all I can ask for,” he says, kissing me on the forehead. “My plane leaves in a few hours for Nashville. Let me know if you want to fly in for a show. I’ll hook you up.”

  “Thanks, Eli. Travel safe.”

  As I’m standing in the foyer after Eli leaves, Saylor flies into my legs. Sawyer is chasing her and she’s laughing uncontrollably. “Save me, Auntie Mel! Uncle Sawyer says he’s going to feed me to the fish!”

  Sawyer is laughing just as hard as she is. “He wouldn’t do that, Ladybug. He’d miss you too much.”

  “Hm, I didn’t think about that. I would miss my little namesake. Alright, I won’t make you fish food. But you have to give me some love before I let you go.” He swoops her into his arms.

  Saylor throws her arms around his neck and kisses him loudly. “I love you, Uncle Sawyer.”

  Her words melt my heart almost as much as the smile on his face does. He’s in full-blown dimple mode, making my heart flutter in a way it shouldn’t.

  “I love you, too, Saylor.”

  “Are you ready for your first cousin sleepover next weekend, Ladybug?” I ask, and she nods excitedly.

  “Yes! Me and Emme made room in the playroom so Cadence and Nate can sleep in their travel beds with us. Mommy and Daddy said they have to sleep with us, too, so the babies don’t get into trouble if they wake up. It’s going to be so much fun!”

  Saylor runs off and Sawyer grins at me. “It’s going to be okay, Mel. They’ll have a blast. It’s good for them to do this, and it’s what Noah would want.”

  “I know, but they’re only one. Sleepovers at Grandma’s are one thing, but at their cousins … it’s just a sign of how fast time is going by.”

  “We should do something.”

  “Like what?” He’s got an evil look on his face and I’m not sure I like it.

  “Let’s go to a club. We can go dancing.”

  “Uh, I don’t think so.”

  “Why not? I know you love to dance, Mel.”

  “It wouldn’t … it wouldn’t be right,” I stammer.

  “The fuck it wouldn’t. Your best friend lived by the motto ‘Live today like there’s no tomorrow.’ You’re existing, Mel, but you’re not living. One night of fun won’t kill you, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

  Sawyer saunters off, effectively ending our conversation, but there’s no way I’m in the mood to go clubbing with him. I can only imagine the siege of women who will descend upon us if we’re
out in public. Just the thought makes me shudder.

  “Hey, Mel, we’re going to get out of here. Call or text me if you need me later. I can come back or you can come over.” Anna pulls me into a hug. When she releases me, Wyatt hands me Jacob to kiss goodbye.

  “You guys, he’s so perfect. I can’t believe he’s three months old already.”

  They exchange a glance and Wyatt clears his throat. “We were wondering if you’d be interested in being Jake’s godmother. You can say no because I know you’re not in a good place with God right now, but we’d love it if you’d consider it.”

  “Really? You want me?”

  Anna smiles brightly. “Absolutely. Sawyer and Darren have already agreed to be co-godfathers. You’re our best girl, Mel. There’s no one we’d rather have than you.”

  Placing a kiss on top of little Jake’s head, I nod. “I’d love to. Thank you.”

  Wyatt takes him back and heads out to the car while Anna stays behind. “Mel, I know the next few days are going to be rough. I meant what I said. If you need anything, even to vent or just cry, call me.”

  “I will, thank you.”

  After they leave, I head into the kitchen and Nate toddles right to me. I scoop him into my arms and smother him with kisses. He started walking last month and now he’s pretty much running most days.

  He rubs his eyes and yawns, and when I look up at the clock I see it’s already after eight. “Even birthday boys need their bedtime. Let’s give everyone kisses night night and get you in the bath.”

  We make the rounds and Karen takes the longest with him. Her eyes are filled with tears as she wishes him a final happy birthday and sweet dreams. Then she hugs me hard and whispers into my ear, “We love you, Mel, and we’re so proud of how far you’ve come this year. Each day is a new chance to take another step. I know these next few will be hard for us all, but call if you need me.”

  “You, too. Thank you, Karen.”

  Nate is so sleepy he barely makes it through his bath. Once his jammies are on, I sit with him as he drinks his bottle. Cadence is completely off her bottle and binky now; that’s my next goal with Nate.