Just an Illusion - EP

by D. Kelly

  He pushes me back against the pillow and crawls between my legs, spreading them wide open. His eyes meet mine as he swipes a finger through my wetness. When he sucks that finger into his mouth and licks it clean, I almost come.

  Sawyer spares me no mercy; his mouth immediately suckles my clit and he lightly nips it between his teeth. My body arches from the bed, but he drops one hand over my waist and holds me down. “You’re not going anywhere until your pussy is drenching my mouth with your cum, Princess.”

  With a combination of his tongue and a few well-placed fingers, I’m right on the edge. He slides his tongue inside of me and fucks me relentlessly with it. I’m drowning in pleasure, barely holding myself back from the most epic of all orgasms, when he pinches my clit between his fingers and sends me soaring on the biggest high as he licks up every drop of my release.

  Sawyer looks up at me and languidly licks his lips. It’s so fucking sinful I can’t stand it. Then he rips the condom package open and sheathes himself before crawling up my body. Pulling my leg around his hip, he positions himself at my entrance but doesn’t push in.

  “Are you ready for this?” he asks softly.

  “Please, Sawyer, I need you.”

  With my words, he drops his mouth to mine and kisses me relentlessly. I taste myself on his lips and it’s incredibly sensual. As his tongue plunges into my mouth, his cock plunges into me.

  “Damn, Princess,” he says with a hiss, “you’re so damn tight.”

  Sawyer drops his mouth back to my breasts and rotates between them. There’s pain, but there’s even more pleasure, and I feel myself building up again. I wrap my legs tighter around him and pull him closer to me so he’s as deep as he can possibly be.

  “Jesus, Sawyer, what are you doing to me?” I cry out, meeting him thrust for thrust.

  “Making your body a slave to mine.” My body trembles with his words. “Come for me, Princess. Let me feel that sweet fucking pussy choke my cock.” His mouth covers mine, his tongue matching his fucking, and with my legs wrapped around his waist and my arms around his neck, we’re fused together as one. Every part of me is rubbing against him and I can’t hold on anymore. I blissfully give everything I am to Sawyer.

  “Sawyer … Oh, Sawyer! Yes!” My body shatters around him as he comes inside me with a ferocious roar. I’ve never heard anything so damn sexy and feral in all my life.

  “Holy shit, Princess … that was …”

  “Incredible,” I fill in as he wraps his arms around me and rolls us over so we’re still connected.

  “Fucking life-altering,” he replies as his eyes shine with happiness. I wonder if mine do, too. I refuse to be sad right now because there was nothing about sex with Sawyer that I could ever regret.

  We lay together in silence–the good kind, where we’re both letting the amazingness that just happened sink in. I love that he’s still inside me and still has his arms wrapped around me like he doesn’t want this to end. But when he finally pulls out to get rid of the condom, I feel empty.

  He goes into the bathroom and comes back with a warm cloth. When he spreads my legs and starts wiping me off, I’m stunned. “What are you doing?” I ask in a teasing tone.

  “Taking care of my Princess. Besides, you don’t want to sleep in all that wetness, do you?” he asks with a raised brow. Suddenly, my mind isn’t on the sex anymore; I’m thinking about sleeping in Sawyer’s bed. Can I do that? I mean, it’s not like we haven’t before, but it was innocent then and this is far from innocent now.

  “Uh, no, definitely not,” I reply as my mind races. I will not feel guilty for this, but even as I think the words, my hand begins to feel heavy under the weight of my wedding rings. Is now the time I’m supposed to take them off?

  Sawyer finishes drying me off and climbs back into bed with me, naked. “I’ve lost you already,” he says sadly.

  “No, you haven’t. I just … It doesn’t matter. We can talk about it another time. I don’t want to wreck this. That was incredible and I don’t regret it. Do you?”

  His hand caresses my cheek and he kisses my lips tenderly. “Not in a million years. Mel, I know we’re going to have some ups and downs, but if we don’t talk about them we’ll never get through them. What’s wrong? I promise I won’t be mad.”

  “I don’t know how to explain it. It was like I suddenly felt the weight of my wedding rings on my hand. I don’t think I’m ready to take them off, Sawyer, but what kind of person does it make me that I’m not?”

  “It makes you an honest person. This isn’t going to happen overnight. I want to be in this with you for the duration, Mel. I’ve never met a woman who affects me the way you do. I’ve known since that first night you were different. But you didn’t feel the same way, and I can’t blame you. I know what I seemed like back then, but I’ve changed.” His words plead for understanding, but he doesn’t have to explain himself to me.

  “Stop, you don’t need to tell me that. I know you’ve changed. I see it every day. I have so much love and respect for you, Sawyer, I can’t even begin to describe how much. This morning, when you said you wish it had been you, it killed me to hear you say that. You’ve become my everything, but that doesn’t change that what we’re doing isn’t right. If anyone finds out …”

  Sawyer crashes his lips to mine and kisses me relentlessly until I’m struggling to catch my breath. “No, Mel, I don’t care if anyone knows. What we’re doing isn’t wrong. Unconventional, maybe. But wrong, never. I know you’re not there yet, and that’s okay I’ll wait as long as it takes. I love you. I’ve never had sex with someone I’ve had feelings for before and you’re not going to take that away from me. From us.”

  His heartfelt words weigh heavily on my soul, but I think we need to test the waters first. “Can we navigate through this a little while, just the two of us, before letting people know what’s going on? I’m barely finding myself again and I need time to … acclimate to the idea of me and you being an us.”

  The sadness in his eyes slays me, but he nods his agreement. “Okay, under one condition.”

  “What’s that?”

  “You have to give this a fair shot, and it starts with you sleeping naked in my arms tonight.”

  “Okay, but I have one more rule.”

  “Shoot,” he says, snuggling closer to me and covering us with a blanket.

  “My room is off limits for anything other than talking, okay?”

  “That goes without saying.”

  I curl up in Sawyer’s arms and fall asleep feeling safer and calmer than I have since Noah. I’m not sure what the hell I’m getting myself into, but at least I’m not in it alone.

  Adjustment Period

  The next few days were sweeter. Sawyer and I were stealing kisses when we could but still managed to keep things light. I think we both needed a bit of space after the night we spent in his bed. I was looking forward to our night out, but Saylor and Emme got sick and we had to postpone. The following week was more of the same. It was kind of nice doing the flirting thing with Sawyer and sneaking kisses.

  That weekend, the guys met up with Rob, J, and even Eli flew in for his weekend off. They all went on their first male bonding trip to a cabin in Big Bear. It was supposed to be a fun trip to honor Noah and his promise to Sawyer that they would all still get together once a year to bond. It was especially important to Sawyer since he postponed the family Disney World vacation until October, in hopes we’d all be in a better place by then. I’ve already decided I can’t, but I’m hoping the rest of the group can make it work.

  Unfortunately, what was supposed to be three days of fishing and fun for them turned into one night of drunken tears and a bunch of men letting their emotions get the best of them. They turned around and came home the very next day. For the most part, Darren and Sawyer hid in their rooms all weekend, but I was able to push my own issues aside long enough to spend some time catching up with Eli.

  Spending time
with Eli was a great distraction because while they were all up in Big Bear, Diane, Anna, Rory, and I had our own pity party here. It mostly consisted of reminiscing about Noah, crying, drinking tequila, and eating way too much junk food. All the kids had a sleepover with Karen and Owen, so we were free to drink as much as we wanted.

  When Sawyer got home the next day and didn’t talk to me, I was irritated and tried chalking it up to him not feeling well and being upset about his shortened weekend. As the weekend went on, I realized he must have been having second thoughts, which was a relief because so was I. By the following week, I’d decided being with Sawyer was definitely a mistake. What kind of woman sleeps with brothers anyway, and twins at that? My moral compass is so far gone I don’t know my head from my ass anymore.

  It’s been six weeks since we slept together. After the first week, Sawyer went from avoiding me to spending almost all of his free time in the garage working on music or whatever. He even blew off a foundation meeting. And while I was pissed, I was glad because no one would pick up on our tension and suspect something. I think both of us must have realized we moved too quickly and are now walking, talking, emotional disasters, doing our best to keep our distance from each other. Either that or Sawyer realized what he thought was love was only lust and he doesn’t know how to tell me he made a mistake. While he spends his days avoiding me in the garage, I’ve been sitting in my room trying to decide what to do about Noah’s things.

  Diane brought it up the night she was over. When she walked into my room and saw his wallet and keys sitting on the dresser like they were just waiting for him to come in and grab them, she started crying immediately. Then she looked in the closet and saw everything just as he’d left them. She thinks I can’t truly have closure until I do something with his clothes and personal effects. As I lay back on the bed, I think about her advice.

  “It’s been over a year, Mel, you have to move on. You have the biggest memory of Noah walking around this house every day. Nate will give you more pleasure than hanging onto things, I promise you.”

  Her sympathetic gaze met mine, but I wasn’t sold on the idea at all. “This is his house, Diane, and these are his things. It’s not right to mess with that.”

  “No, what’s not right is you living in a museum as if you’re waiting for him to walk back in that door. Noah is gone, Mel. There’s nothing that can bring him back to us. You need to think about sorting his things. Some stuff to keep for you or Nate, offer some things up to the family, and then donate the rest. Noah would love the idea of someone less fortunate walking around in his clothes.”

  I opened the drawer and pulled out my anxiety medication. It’s something I was hardly taking at all, but ever since that night with Sawyer I’d been taking them consistently again. My therapist said it was normal, but at that point I didn’t even know what normal was anymore.

  “I’m not there yet, Diane.”

  She leaned against the dresser and looked me over thoroughly as I popped a pill. “You seem different lately and I can’t put my finger on why. If you need to talk, I’m happy to be a sounding board for you. I’m also happy to help you with all this,” she added, gesturing around the room. “When you’re ready, of course.”

  “Will I ever be ready? Because I feel like I started moving forward only to be thrown backward. Do you know this whole year I’ve missed Belle like crazy but I’m not sure how much I’ve actually grieved for her because I’ve been so busy being angry at Noah for leaving me and grieving for him? What kind of friend does that make me? What kind of sister?”

  “I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit, Mel. I saw you at the funeral, I heard what happened at the cemetery, and I know you’ve been grieving for both of them. That’s why this has been so hard. I know this is going to sound clinical, but I’m going to say it anyway.”

  I looked at her, hoping whatever she was going to say would put some kind of spin on this to make me feel better because I’m tired of being off kilter.

  “Losing a friend is easier than losing a spouse. Not the loss itself but coping afterward. You’re doing all the things for Belle you know she would want. You’re taking care of Darren, of Cadence, and filling the void she left. You can rationalize that in your mind as still being a good friend. But losing your husband, your partner, your co-parent … it’s different. You lose intimacy, your sounding board, your true north. You’re grasping at straws to be okay with moving on without them, to figure out if and when it’s okay to love again someday, questioning everything you do and wondering if they would agree and want it, too. It’s never going to be an easy path to walk, but remember we’re here and you never have to walk it alone.”

  “I miss him more than I ever knew it was possible to miss someone.”

  “Sawyer is right there with you, Mel. You guys need to keep leaning on each other and you’ll find your way through.”

  If she only knew. We’ve gotten ourselves into such a mess. I cross the room and open Noah’s closet and am overwhelmed by his scent. It wraps around my senses and pulls me into a false sense of security. Turning off the light, I close the door behind me and lie down on the floor. I’m not ready, not when I can come in here and imagine lying in the dark with him, sharing stories and our bodies.

  “Mel, where are you?” Sawyer. Of all the times he wants to talk to me, he comes in here now.

  “In the closet,” I call out, and he opens the door.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Going crazy. What did you need?” Short answers and to the point. This has been our routine for weeks now.

  “Actually, I thought maybe I could convince you to come out with me to get some coffee and take a drive. I think it’s time we talk.”

  “I’m perfectly comfortable sitting here drowning in the scent of my husband. Thanks, but no thanks.”

  He sighs loudly and walks inside. Then he reaches down and pulls me up by the arms. “This isn’t a suggestion, Mel. And what you’re doing right now isn’t healthy. You’re regressing and that’s the last thing you need. Come on. Darren said he’ll watch Nate.”

  “Fine,” I mutter and put on my flip-flops. “But it better be a big-ass coffee and some pastries.”

  “Anything for you, Princess,” he says with a laugh.

  We climb into Sawyer’s SUV and take off. It’s strange going out with just him and no bodyguards. Maybe things will continue to die down now that the band isn’t putting out any more music and the tour has been done for over a year. The interview requests have slowed; I guess you can only hear no so many times before you give up.

  He pulls off at his favorite coffee place and throws on a hat. “I’ll be right back.”

  It’s a beautiful day and there are tons of people at the beach. It will calm down a little bit once school starts again but not much. California sunshine keeps people at the beach year-round. Sawyer gets back in the SUV with a bag of pastries and a tray of drinks—two waters and two coffees. One of the cups says “Princess” on it and I take it from the tray. He hands me the bag and I dig through until I find a vanilla scone. At least he knows what I like; that earns him some brownie points.

  “So where are we going?”

  “J called when I was in the coffee shop and said he needs to talk. Do you mind if we pop by there first? It will save him a trip later.”

  “Sure, but where are we going afterward?”

  “I just want to drive, clear my head, and talk. We need to talk, Mel.”

  “Okay.” I’m dreading our talk. I’m not sure it can go anywhere positive. Hopefully, we can find a way to get back to normal, whatever that is. For someone who says he’s in love with me, he sure doesn’t act like it. And that’s okay because I’m sticking with my decision that letting Sawyer get me off was a really bad idea. Even if it was fucking phenomenal.

  “Thanks for the coffee,” I say, hoping to break this awkward silence.

  “It’s the least I owe you after t
he way I’ve been treating you.” His candid confession catches me off guard, sending us back into silence.

  He pulls up in front of a cute little house. “I thought J lived in an apartment?”

  “He moved a few months ago. I guess the bar is doing really well.”

  We get out of the car and J opens the door before we even get to it. “Hey, guys. Welcome to my humble abode.”

  The inside of the house is nice. It feels comfortable and well lived in. Our house is cold in contrast and definitely isn’t homey. Maybe that’s just Sawyer’s style because other than the kids’ toys, there’s nothing friendly about it.

  Jordan has black leather furniture, wooden accent tables, and a huge TV. There are rugs throughout the house, covering the hardwood floors.

  “Oh, look at your kitty!” I cry out, inching toward the orange and black cat sitting on the chair. He’s big and roly poly and I just want to squeeze him. The second I get close, he rears up and hisses, swiping his paw at me like he’s possessed by the devil. “Holy shit, what’s wrong with him?”

  Jordan and Sawyer laugh. “Fuck if I know. He was a stray and I took him in. He’s an ornery son of a bitch so I named him Fat Bastard. I’m hardly ever here, so I don’t get in his way and he doesn’t get in mine.”

  “Remind me to keep Nate away from here,” I grumble and sit down on the couch opposite of the crazy fucking cat.

  “He’s not like that with everyone. He cuddles with me sometimes and I’m pretty sure Allie gives him a cat boner or something. Whenever she’s around, he curls up in her lap and purrs the whole time. He even licks her sometimes.”

  “So what’s going on, J?” Sawyer asks as he sits next to me, which is a little too close for my comfort. I scoot farther down the couch, but Sawyer smirks at me and scoots closer. Asshole.

  Jordan reaches for some envelopes on the table, handing one to me and one to Sawyer. “You can open them. Yours is just this month’s rent, Sawyer. Nothing big.”

  I know exactly what is in this envelope and when I open it and see the check I close it and give it back to him. “Sorry, J, that’s yours.”