Taking Chances

by Flowers, Loni

  Clair didn’t respond right away. “She just mentioned that she didn’t want you to get hurt… specifically, by me. She didn’t want me to hurt you.” Clair looked down at her lap, picking at the lint on her jogging pants. She was too shy to look at the expression on his face.

  “Roz really said that? Wow,” he said, stunned. “Why in the world would she think you’d hurt me? Maybe she was saying that because of what I went through with Mia.”

  Clair didn’t say anything. Who is Mia? He’d never mentioned her before. She skipped over the mention of her name just to agree with him. “Yeah… No… I don’t know. Roz didn’t say why. But it’s not like that with us. I mean, you don’t even like me like that. I think Roz just reads into things. It’s not like we’re even dating or anything.”

  “Oh, so you don’t want to date me?”

  “I don’t know. I never said I didn’t want to.”

  “You didn’t answer my question,” he said, aimlessly drawing circles on the top of her hand.

  Clair looked away; ignoring the hypnotic feeling that seemed to overwhelm her from a simple touch. My God, why does he have to touch me like that? He doesn’t even realize what it’s doing to me.

  Clair pulled her hand away. She wasn’t ready to answer his question. How could she, when she wasn’t sure of the answer herself? So she asked him a question instead. “So, who’s Mia?”

  Alex looked at her wisely, well aware that she had just dodged his question. But he didn’t ask her again. He inhaled deeply, as if he were pulling enough energy from the air to force out an explanation. Rubbing the palm of his hands up and down his thighs, he settled back into the couch. “Mia was…” he hesitated.

  “You know what? Just forget I asked. If it’s too personal, you don’t have to tell me. It’s okay.”

  “No, I want to tell you. I met Mia in high school my junior year. We did everything together.” Alex laughed, “I still don’t know why she wanted to be my friend. She was popular and beautiful. I was scrawny; tall and lanky. I had barely hit puberty, and by high school standards, I didn’t measure up in all the ‘cool’ kids’ eyes. I’m not sure why she even wanted to be seen with me.”

  Clair repositioned herself on the couch, crossing her legs underneath, her knees lightly pressed against his hip. She tried to picture him the way he described himself back then but couldn’t. He was incredibly good looking, and she wondered what Mia thought about him now.

  “Our senior year, Mia started making really bad choices with the guys she dated. They treated her like shit.”

  “What did they do?”

  “Talked down to her, smacked her around. The usual domestic abuse. Then when they didn’t want her anymore, she’d come crying to me about it.”

  Clair tried to keep her face neutral but she couldn’t believe he was being so flippant about it. “Didn’t you do anything to help her? Why would she even let someone treat her that way?”

  “I told her to stay away from guys like that, but she refused to listen. There was only so much I could do. She always dated older guys, and I hardly knew them. Instead, I did what friends were supposed to do; I was there for her, every time. She’d cry in my arms, get over it, and move on to the next asshole. I hated it. If I were smart, I would have just cut our friendship off. It would have been less painful that way in the end.”

  “But you didn’t, did you? You don’t seem like the type to give up on your friends.”

  “No I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was in love with her. Do you know how hard it is to be in love with someone you know will never love you back?”

  Clair nodded. “Yes, I do.” He looked at her, surprised, as if he expected her to say no. “Did she know how you really felt about her?”

  “Eventually, yes,” he said, draping his arm over her knee. “After graduation, my life started going downhill. My grandmother died that summer, and Mia started dating Eddie after that. I met him a few times and thought he was a decent guy.” Alex shrugged his shoulders, “I figured if she wouldn’t love me like I wanted, at least she’d finally have someone who treated her like she deserved. But looks can be deceiving and I should have known better.” The crease on both corners of his mouth turned down, replacing his even smile with a sad one, “Mia never picked the right guys and Eddie turned out to be no exception.”

  Alex found her hand again, continuing with the same familiar pattern on the back of her palm. Clair wondered if this was something he did as a means to calm himself. She didn’t pull away, doing the best she could to ignore his touch, she asked another question. “What did Eddie do?”

  “She came over one night after getting beaten up. The beating wasn’t as bad as I’d seen in the past, but the bruises on her neck told me he had tried to choke her.”

  Clair instinctively reached for her neck, remembering what it felt like when Paul tried to choke the life out of her. She’d never been more scared and she couldn’t fathom why Mia would willingly let someone treat her that way. “Did you take her to the hospital?”

  “I tried, just to make sure there wasn’t any serious internal damage, but she wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t even call the police. And I never forced the issue.”

  “What made Eddie hit her in the first place?”

  “All she said was that someone told him she was cheating. He was the kind of guy who believed anything he heard. His motto was, beat her now and ask questions later. Eddie told her he needed to teach her a lesson.”

  “You’re kidding me?” Clair groaned, “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Why’d she put up with that?”

  “I honestly don’t know. She wasn’t like that when I met her. Once she started dating the wrong guys, it was like she thought she didn’t deserve any better. And telling her otherwise did nothing.”

  “So what happened when she came over that night?”

  “I finally told her how I felt; that I was in love with her. I begged her not to go back to him. But she just kept shaking her head, like she couldn’t believe what I was saying. She stayed the night and I held her in my arms, trying to comfort her. Then one thing led to another, and we ended up sleeping together. It was a mistake. I knew it was wrong before it happened. She was vulnerable. Mia needed to feel wanted and loved, and I was there, willing to give her those things. No matter how good of a person I was, it wasn’t me she wanted.

  “Mia wasn’t there when I woke up that morning. She slipped out, leaving me a note. It said she was sorry for everything and she couldn’t love me the way I deserved. Even though deep down, I knew she wouldn’t love me like I loved her, I was heartbroken. Then she called me to let me know she got back with Eddie. She thought it was a good idea if we kept our distance from each other. I assumed that was actually Eddie’s idea. I’m sure he felt threatened by our relationship. She thought she was doing me a favor by staying away and only calling me a few times a month, but it would have been better if she’d left me alone altogether. So many times I should have just walked away from her and I didn’t.”

  His hand stilled on Clair’s, as he stared across the room.

  “One night, out of the blue, Mia called and wanted me to meet her at a coffee shop down the street from her apartment. She said she had something important to tell me. I went straight there. I hadn’t seen her since the night we slept together, and I just wanted to see with my own eyes that she was okay. You know what I mean? I had been with her nearly every day for two years and suddenly I wasn’t allowed to see her anymore.”

  His eyes were moist, his shoulders rigid against the back of the couch. Clair could tell reliving a part of this must have been hard on him and it was starting to show. It was a different side of Alex she hadn’t seen. He was always happy and smiling, confident. Unlike any of those things she saw on his face now. It hurt to see him so sad. “Alex, stop. Clearly this is hard for you. You don’t have…”

  “Yes,” he interrupted. “Roz and Stu are the only ones I’ve told this story to. I want you to hear this.�
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  Clair sighed and waited for him to continue, and when he didn’t, she asked a question to nudge him forward again. “Why did Mia want to see you?”

  Alex released a breath and laced his fingers through hers. She felt a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, as if whatever he was about to say was going to be awful and he needed her support to get through it.

  “When I saw her that night, I couldn’t believe how she looked. Her hair was a stringy mess. She was thin; her arms looked like pencils, her eyes sunken deep into her face. She looked neglected and I wondered if she’d started using drugs. The change was so drastic that I almost didn’t recognize her. There was the wide smile I’d always recognize, but her eyes… they were wild and scared. She told me she slipped up when arguing with Eddie one night. He found out we’d slept together and he was furious. I tried to get her to come back with me, but she wouldn’t listen, she never did. Somehow, Eddie figured out where she was, and when he came into the shop, he saw us talking. He grabbed her by the arm and dragged her outside. I followed, trying to pull him off her, but I couldn’t put up a good fight. I was too weak and scrawny to take him on. I only remember hearing Mia scream. I tried to reach for her and she tried to grab my hand but Eddie punched me in the face. The look on her face was the last thing I remember seeing before I blacked out. She was terrified of him and trying to protect me, I don’t know. But whenever I see Mia in my mind, I see her that look. I’ll never be able to forget it. When I woke up, I was in the hospital.”

  Alex leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs, his head hung low. Clair scooted closer and looped her arm around his. He wiped his cheeks with his hand and she tried to hold back her own tears back as she felt them welling up. “How bad did he hurt you?” she whispered.

  “I had a concussion and they wanted to keep me overnight for observation. I tried to leave. I needed to check on Mia but they wouldn’t let me. I had this sickening feeling that something horrible had happened to her and when I tried to call, I got no answer. I even asked the nurse if they could find out if anyone with Mia’s name had been admitted, but they wouldn’t tell me anything since I wasn’t family. Finally, after enough begging and whining, I got a nurse to say someone with her name had been admitted not long after me, but that was all she told me. It was just as well, later that day, I found out all I needed to know by turning on the TV in my room. I learned everything from my hospital bed and put it all together later.”

  “Apparently, Eddie dragged Mia back to his apartment to punish her for talking to me after he told her not to. He beat her so severely, she died from her injuries. Eddie didn’t know it at the time, but he killed two people that night.”

  “Two?” Clair questioned, choking back a sob.

  “Yes. She was pregnant.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Alex

  Mia’s death was the worst part of his past. It was worse for him than his parents being killed by a drunk driver. Even worse than watching his grandparents’ slow decline. A little part of him would always feel responsible for what happened to her and what he lost.

  He pursed his lips together to keep them from trembling. His eyes burned with unshed tears as he squeezed his lids tightly, refusing to cry anymore than he already had in front of Clair. With the heel of his hand, he wiped his eyes and kept them straight ahead, staring at the blank television screen. He couldn’t look at her, too scared to see her reaction and what she might think of him now.

  “Between me and Eddie, she didn’t know who the father was. Eddie never knew. She said she didn’t want to tell him until she had to. She thought maybe by the time he found out, he would forget we’d slept together. I didn’t know what to think at the time. I had to wait it out for six more months just to find out if I was the father. Then what? Be let down to know I wasn’t? Or let down because I was and yet she still refused me. My mind was a wreck. Then, later on. I found out that bastard beat her to death just because she was talking to me. I was… I was just so damn mad… at myself, at Mia, Eddie… everyone.”

  He sighed and looked over at Clair, ready to see the disgust on her face. Her head was down and her eyes closed. Tears dripped from her cheeks onto her legs and her hands were pressed over her mouth. Her body trembled as she tried to restrain her tears. Alex reached for her arm, pulling her hand away from her as a loud sob escaped her.

  Clair shook her head, still looking toward the floor, “I’m… so… sorry.”

  Her cries came harder and he was relieved that she wasn’t mad at him, but he still hated to see her cry. He wrapped his arm around her back, pulling her close to him against the couch. Wiping the tears from her cheeks, he soothed, “Shhh, don’t cry.” She relaxed her head on his chest, wrapping an arm across him and resting it on his shoulder.

  “It’s just awful that you had to deal with all that,” she mumbled against him.

  He wiped her cheek again with his thumb, “I blamed myself for a long time. I felt like I didn’t try hard enough to stop Eddie or help Mia. I went from dealing with the death of my grandparents to dealing with the death of Mia in a short time.”

  Clair sniffed and turned her head slightly. “Whatever happened to Eddie? He got caught, right?”

  “Eddie hung himself while he was waiting for his trial to begin. I wanted to see him rot in prison for what he did, but he took the easy way out.”

  “Did he ever find out about the baby?”

  “I believe so. He was being tried on two counts of murder. I think that’s why he hung himself.”

  “And you couldn’t request a DNA test to find out if it was your child?”

  Alex sighed, “Yeah, I could have. But I didn’t know that was an option until way after the burial. I honestly don’t know if knowing would have made it any better. I will always just have to wonder.”

  “I’m so sorry, Alex. How did you handle it all?”

  “I didn’t. It destroyed me. After that, I left town. I had no reason to stay. Everyone I ever loved was gone from my life. I didn’t stop running for two years. When I came here a year ago, Roz took me in. I was a reckless person who didn’t care. She saved my life; I know I’d be dead if it weren’t for her.” Alex felt Clair’s arm tighten around his chest as she pushed her cheek harder against him.

  “Remind me to thank Roz for saving you,” she cried.

  He chuckled and kissed her forehead, running his fingers through her damp hair. “I’ve come a long way since Mia’s death, but it still hurts to talk about her. With Roz’s help, I was able to understand that it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t force Mia to pick her path. How she chose to live her life was up to her, and as a friend, all I could do was be there when she needed me. But that was a long time ago and I’m happy I’ve gotten past it. Believe me, I’m a better person for having been through all of this.”

  “Thank you for sharing all of this with me, Alex.” Her fingers ran over the buttons on his shirt as she twisted them between her fingers. “You didn’t have to, but thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”

  Alex pulled her chin up to look at him. “I want you to know me, Clair, including my past and why I feel the way I do about certain things. We haven’t known each other long, but I like you. I don’t know what this is between us, but I want more. It’s been a long time since I’ve let anyone get close to me. I’ve been too scared to try, worried I’ll get hurt again. But I can’t keep thinking like that. I have to try. If I don’t take a chance on my feelings again, I’m only hurting myself and never finding out what might have been.”

  Clair sat up, pulling away from him, as she wiped her cheeks. She shook her head, “I’m not what you need in your life right now, Alex. I have my own issues to work out, and I don’t want my baggage weighing you down. It wouldn’t be fair to you. Especially after all you’ve been through.”

  He brushed her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her shoulder. “You can’t do it alone, Clair, and I want to be there for you. I want to help you.”
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  “How can you help me when I don’t even know what I need help with? I feel like I’m so messed up. I have a hard time trusting people, thanks to my mother. And I have no self-esteem, thanks to the people who have only used me to get what they want.”

  “Clair, I would never take advantage of you, I would hope you believe that by now.”

  She nodded, “Yes, I believe you wouldn’t harm me. You’ve had plenty of chances if you wanted to do that. But I can’t shake the doubt. Not sure I ever will. You say you like me and all I can think of is why? What’s so special about me? Or maybe you’re just saying it to make me feel good, pitying me for what I’ve been through.”

  “Why would you think that?”

  “I don’t know; it’s just how my brain works. I told you, I’m messed up.”

  “No, you’re not, we only need to change your way of thinking.” He paused for a minute, wondering what he could say now to convince her that what he felt for her was real. “Did you not feel anything, not a spark or anything when I kissed you last night?”

  Clair looked away. “I don’t know,” she said shyly. “I assumed it was because we both got caught up in the moment.”

  “Wow, I’m really disappointed. Am I that bad?” Alex smiled, knowing the way she kissed him last night meant she felt it too.

  “Umm, no, I didn’t say…”

  “We’re going to try this again.” Alex interjected.

  Clair’s eyes grew wide, “What, right now?”

  “Yes, right now.”

  He leaned in, licking his lips in preparation. Her chest rose up and down and her quickened breath blew across his lips. Alex barely touched her mouth with his, and when he looked at her eyes, they we closed. He reached for her neck, lightly tracing the length of it with the tips of his fingers. She tilted her head in response, giving in to his touch. Alex cupped her soft cheek. Gently, he pulled her to him, pressing his lips to hers; softly, as if her lips might shatter from the pressure of his kiss.