Tied Up In Tinsel

by Ngaio Marsh

  ‘No?’

  ‘No. For instance there’s his sardonic-East-End-character-act. “I’m so artful, you know, I’m a cockney.” He is a cockney, of course. Vintage barrow-boy. But he’s put himself in inverted commas and comes out of them whenever it suits him. You should hear him at the conference table. He’s as articulate as the next man and, in his way, more civilized than most.’

  ‘Interesting.’

  ‘Yes. He’s got a very individual sense of humour, has Uncle Bert.’

  ‘Tending towards Black Comedy?’

  ‘He might have invented the term. All the same,’ Hilary said, ‘he’s an astute judge of character and I – I can’t pretend he isn’t, although –’

  He left this observation unfinished. ‘I think I’ll do the tree,’ he said. ‘It settles one’s nerves.’

  He opened the lid of the packing case that had been placed near the tree.

  Mr Smith had left ajar the double-doors into the great hall, whence there now came sounds of commotion. Somebody was stumbling rapidly downstairs and making ambiguous noises as he came. A slither was followed by an oath and an irregular progress across the hall. The doors burst wide open and in plunged Mr Smith: an appalling sight.

  He was dressed in pyjamas and a florid dressing-gown. One foot was bare, the other slippered. His sparse hair was disordered. His eyes protruded. And from his open mouth issued dollops of foam.

  He retched, gesticulated and contrived to speak.

  ‘Poisoned!’ he mouthed. ‘I been poisoned.’

  An iridescent bubble was released from his lips. It floated towards the tree, seemed to hang for a moment like an ornament from one of the boughs and then burst.

  II

  ‘Soap,’ Hilary said. ‘It’s soap, Uncle Bert. Calm yourself, for heaven’s sake, and wash your mouth out. Go to a downstairs cloakroom, I implore you.’

  Mr Smith incontinently bolted.

  ‘Hadn’t you better see to him?’ Troy asked.

  ‘What next, what next! How inexpressibly distasteful. However.’

  Hilary went. There followed a considerable interval, after which Troy heard them pass through the hall on their way upstairs. Soon afterwards Hilary returned looking deeply put-out.

  ‘In his barley water,’ he said. ‘The strongest possible solution of soap. Carnation. He’s been hideously sick. This settles it.’

  ‘Settles –?’

  ‘It’s some revolting practical joker. No, but it’s too bad! And in the pocket of his pyjama jacket another of these filthy notes. “What price Arsnic.” He might have died of fright.’

  ‘How is he, in fact?’

  ‘Wan but recovering. In a mounting rage.’

  ‘Small blame to him.’

  ‘Somebody shall smart for this,’ Hilary threatened.

  ‘I suppose it couldn’t be the new boy in the kitchen?’

  ‘I don’t see it. He doesn’t know their backgrounds. This is somebody who knows about Nigel’s sinful lady and Cuthbert being a cuckold and Vincent’s slip over the arsenical weed-killer.’

  ‘And Mervyn’s booby-trap,’ Troy said before she could stop herself. Hilary stared at her.

  ‘You’re not going to tell me –? You are!’

  ‘I promised I wouldn’t. I suppose these other jobs sort of let me out but – all right, there was an incident. I’m sure he had nothing to do with it. Don’t corner me.’

  Hilary was silent for some time after this. Then he began taking boxes of Christmas tree baubles out of the packing case.

  ‘I’m going to ignore the whole thing,’ he said. ‘I’m going to maintain a masterly inactivity. Somebody wants me to make a big scene and I won’t. I won’t upset my staff. I won’t have my Christmas ruined. Sucks-boo to whoever it may be. It’s only ten to eleven, believe it or not. Come on, let’s do the tree.’

  They did the tree. Hilary had planned a golden colour scheme. They hung golden glass baubles, big in the lower branches and tapering to minuscule ones at the top, where they mounted a golden angel. There were festoons of glittering gold tinsel and masses of gilded candles. Golden stars shone in and out of the foliage. It was a most fabulous tree.

  ‘And I’ve even gilded the people in the crib,’ he said. ‘I hope Aunt Bed won’t object. And just you wait till the candles are lit.’

  ‘What about the presents? I suppose there are presents?’

  ‘The children’s will be in golden boxes brought in by Uncle Flea, one for each family. And ours, suitably wrapped, on a side table. Everybody finds his own because Uncle Flea can’t read the labels without his specs. He merely tows in the boxes in a little golden car on runners.’

  ‘From outside? Suppose it’s a rough night?’

  ‘If it’s too bad we’ll have to bring the presents in from the hall.’

  ‘But the colonel will still come out of the storm?’

  ‘He wouldn’t dream of doing anything else.’

  With some hesitation Troy suggested that Colonel Forrester didn’t seem very robust and was ill-suited to a passage, however brief, through the rigours of a mid-winter storm, clad, she understood, in gold lamé. Hilary said he could wear gloves. Noticing, perhaps, that she was not persuaded, he said Vincent would hold an umbrella over the colonel and that in any case it wouldn’t do for his wig and crown of mistletoe to get wet although, he added, a sprinkling of snow would be pretty. ‘But of course it would melt,’ he added. ‘And that could be disastrous.’

  Hilary was perched on the top of the step-ladder. He looked down through green foliage and golden baubles at Troy.

  ‘You don’t approve,’ he said. ‘You think I’m effete and heartless and have lost my sense of spiritual values.’

  This came uncomfortably near to what in fact Troy had been thinking.

  ‘You may be right,’ he went on before she could produce an answer. ‘But at least I don’t pretend. For instance, I’m a snob. I set a lot of importance on my being of ancient lineage. I wouldn’t have proposed to my lovely, lovely Cressida if she’d had a tatty origin. I value family trees even more than Christmas trees. And I love being rich and able to have a truly golden tree.’

  ‘Oh,’ Troy said, ‘I’ve nothing but praise for the golden tree.’

  ‘I understand you perfectly. You must pray for me in the chapel tomorrow.’

  ‘I’m not qualified.’

  Hilary said: ‘Never mind about all that. I’ve been keeping the chapel as a surprise. It really is quite lovely.’

  ‘Are you a Christian?’

  ‘In the context,’ said Hilary, ‘it doesn’t arise. Be an angel and hand up a bauble.’

  It was midnight when they had completed their work. They stood at the other end of the long room before the dying fire and admired it.

  ‘There will be no light but the candles,’ Hilary said. ‘It will be perfectly magical. A dream-tree. I hope the children will be enchanted, don’t you?’

  ‘They can’t fail. I shall go to bed, now, I think.’

  ‘How nice it’s been, doing it with you,’ he said, linking his arm in hers and leading her down the room. ‘It has quite taken away all that other beastly nonsense. Thank you so much. Have you admired Nigel’s kissing-bough?’

  They were under it. Troy looked up and was kissed.

  ‘Happy Christmas,’ said Hilary.

  She left him there and went up to her room.

  When she opened her wardrobe she was surprised to hear a murmur of voices in the Forresters’ room. It was distant and quite indistinguishable but as she hung up her dress she heard footsteps tread towards her and the colonel’s voice, close at hand, said very loudly and most decisively: ‘No, my dear, that is absolutely final. And if you don’t, I will.’

  A door slammed. Troy had a picture of Mrs Forrester banging her way into their bathroom but a moment later had to reverse this impression into one of her banging her way back into the bedroom. Her voice rose briefly and indistinctly. The colonel’s footfall receded. Troy hastily shut the
wardrobe door and went to bed.

  III

  Christmas Day came in with a wan glint of sunshine. The view from Troy’s bedroom might have been framed by robins, tinsel and holly. Snow took the sting out of a landscape that could have been set up for Hilary’s satisfaction.

  As she dressed Troy could hear the Forresters shouting to each other next door and concluded that the colonel was back on his usual form. When she opened her wardrobe she heard the now familiar jangle of coathangers on the other side.

  ‘Good morning!’ Troy shouted. She tapped on the common wall. ‘Happy Christmas!’ she cried.

  A man’s voice said: ‘Thank you, madam. I’ll tell the Colonel and Mrs Forrester.’

  Moult.

  She heard him go away. There was a distant conjunction of voices and then he returned, discreetly tapping on the wall.

  ‘The Colonel and Mrs Forrester’s compliments, madam, and they would be very happy if you would look in.’

  ‘In five minutes,’ Troy shouted. ‘Thank you.’

  When she made her call she found Colonel and Mrs Forrester in bed and bolt upright under a green-lined umbrella of the sort associated with Victorian missionaries and Empire builders. The wintry sun lay across their counterpane. Each wore a scarlet dressing-gown, the skirts of which were deployed round the wearer like some monstrous calyx. They resembled gods of a sort.

  In unison they wished Troy a Happy Christmas and invited her to sit down.

  ‘Being an artist,’ Mrs Forrester said, ‘you will not find it out of the way to be informally received.’

  At the far end of the room a door into their bathroom stood open and beyond that a second door into a dressing-room where Moult could be seen brushing a suit.

  ‘I had heard,’ said Troy, ‘about the umbrella.’

  ‘We don’t care for the sun in our eyes. I wonder,’ said Mrs Forrester, ‘if I might ask you to shut the bathroom door. Thank you very much. Moult has certain prejudices which we prefer not to arouse. Fred, put in your aid. I said put in your aid.’

  Colonel Forrester who had smiled and nodded a great deal without seeming to hear anything much, found his hearing-aid on his bedside table and fitted it into his ear.

  ‘It’s a wonderful invention,’ he said. ‘I’m a little worried about wearing it tonight, though. But, after all, the wig’s awfully long. A Druid with a visible hearing-aid would be too absurd, don’t you think?’

  ‘First of all,’ Mrs Forrester began, ‘were there any developments after we went to bed?’

  ‘We’re dying to know,’ said the colonel.

  Troy told them about Mr Smith and the soap. Mrs Forrester rubbed her nose vexedly. ‘That’s very tiresome,’ she said. ‘It upsets my theory, Fred, it upsets my theory.’

  ‘Sickening for you, B.’

  ‘And yet, does it? I’m not so sure. It might be a ruse, you know I said …’

  ‘I’m wearing my aid, B.’

  ‘What,’ Troy asked, ‘is your theory?’

  ‘I was persuaded that Smith wrote the letters.’

  ‘But surely …’

  ‘He’s a good creature in many ways but his sense of humour is coarse and he dislikes Cressida Tottenham.’

  ‘B, my dear, I’m sure you’re mistaken.’

  ‘No you’re not. You’re afraid I’m right. He doesn’t think she’s good enough for Hilary. Nor do I.’

  ‘Be that as it may, B.’

  ‘Be that as it is, you mean. Don’t confuse me, Fred.’

  ‘– Bert Smith would certainly not write that disgraceful message to me. About you.’

  ‘I don’t agree. He’d think it funny.’

  The colonel looked miserable. ‘But it’s not,’ he said.

  ‘Hilary thought it funny,’ Mrs Forrester said indignantly and turned to Troy. ‘Did you? I suppose Hilary told you what it said.’

  ‘In general terms.’

  ‘Well? Funny?’

  Troy said: ‘At the risk of making myself equally objectionable I’m afraid I’ve got to confess that …’

  ‘Very well. You need go no further.’ Mrs Forrester looked at her husband and remarked, astoundingly, ‘Impertinent, yes. Unfounded, of course. Preposterous, not so far-fetched as you may suppose.’

  A reminiscent gleam, Troy could have sworn, came into Mrs Forrester’s eye.

  ‘I don’t believe Bert would make himself sick,’ the colonel urged.

  ‘I wouldn’t put it past him,’ Mrs Forrester said darkly. ‘However,’ she continued with a wave of her hand, ‘that is unimportant. What I wished to talk to you about, Mrs Alleyn, is the line I hope we shall all take in this matter. Fred and I have decided to ignore it. To dismiss it –’ she swept her arm across the colonel who blinked and drew back’ – entirely. As if it had never been. We refuse to give the perpetrator of these insults, the satisfaction of paying them the slightest attention. We hope you will join us in this stand.’

  ‘Because,’ her husband added, ‘it would only spoil everything – the tree and so on. We’re having a rehearsal after church and one must give one’s full attention.’

  ‘And you’re quite recovered, Colonel?’

  ‘Yes, yes, quite, thank you. It’s my old ticker, you know. A leaky valve or some nonsense of that sort, the quacks tell me. Nothing to fuss about.’

  ‘Well,’ Troy said, getting up. ‘I’ll agree – mum’s the word.’

  ‘Good. That settles that. I don’t know how this girl of yours is going to behave herself, Fred.’

  ‘She’s not mine, B.’

  ‘She was your responsibility.’

  ‘Not now, though.’ The colonel turned towards Troy but did not look at her. His face was pink. He spoke rapidly as if he had memorized his observations and wished to get rid of them. ‘Cressida,’ he explained, ‘is the daughter of a young fellow in my regiment. Germany. 1950. We were on an exercise and my jeep overturned.’ Here the colonel’s eyes filled with tears. ‘And do you know this dear fellow got me out? I was pinned face down in the mud and he got me out and then the most dreadful things happened. Collapse. Petrol. And I promised him I’d keep an eye on the child.’

  ‘Luckily,’ said Mrs Forrester, ‘she was well provided for. School in Switzerland and all that. I say nothing of the result.’

  ‘Her mother died, poor thing. In childbirth.’

  ‘And now,’ said Mrs Forrester suddenly shutting up their umbrella with a definitive snap, ‘now she’s in some sort of actressy business.’

  ‘She’s an awfully pretty girl, don’t you think?’

  ‘Lovely,’ said Troy warmly and went down to breakfast.

  Hilary was busy during the morning but Troy did a certain amount of work on the portrait before making herself ready for church.

  When she looked through the library windows that gave on the great courtyard she got quite a shock. Nigel had completed his effigy. The packing case was mantled in frozen snow and on top of it, sharply carved and really quite impressive in his glittering iciness lay Hilary’s Bill-Tasman ancestor, his hands crossed, rather like flat-fish, on his breast.

  At half past ten the monk’s bell rang fast and exuberantly in its tower as if the operator was a bit above himself. Troy made her way downstairs and across the hall and, following instructions, turned right into the corridor which served the library, the breakfast-room, the boudoir, Hilary’s study and, as it now transpired, the chapel.

  It was a superb chapel. It was full, but by no means too full, of treasures. Its furniture included monstrance, candlesticks, Quattrocento confessional – the lot: all in impeccable taste and no doubt, awfully valuable.

  Troy experienced a frightful desire to hang crinkly paper garlands on some insipid plaster saint.

  Cuthbert, Mervyn, Nigel, Vincent, Kittiwee and the boy were already seated. They were supplemented by a cluster of odd bodies whom she supposed to be outside workers at Halberds and their wives and children. Hilary and Cressida were in the front pew. The rest of the house-party soon asse
mbled and the service went through with High Church decorum. The prison chaplain gave a short, civilized sermon. Colonel Forrester, to Troy’s surprise and pleasure, played the lovely little organ for the seasonable hymns. Hilary read the gospel and, Mr Smith, with surprising aplomb and the full complement of aitches, the epistle.

  At three o’clock that afternoon the ceremony of the tree was rehearsed.

  It was all very thoroughly planned. The guests would assemble in the library, Troy’s portrait and impedimenta having been removed for the occasion to Hilary’s study. Vincent, with umbrella and a charming little baroque car on runners, loaded with Christmas boxes, would be stationed outside the drawing-room windows. At eight o’clock recorded joybells would usher in the proceedings. The children would march in procession two-by-two from the library across the hall to the drawing-room, where they would find the golden tree blazing in the dark. The adults would follow.

  These manœuvres executed, Colonel Forrester, fully accoutred as a Druid, would emerge from the little cloakroom next the drawing-room where Cressida had helped to make him up. He would slip through a door into the entrance porch and from there into the wintry courtyard. Here he would effect a liaison with Vincent. The recorded music, sleighbells, snorts and cries of ‘Whoa!’ would be released. The french windows, flung open from within by Cuthbert and Mervyn, would admit the colonel towing his gilded car. To a fanfare (‘of trumpets also and shawms,’ Hilary said) he would encircle the tree and then, abandoning his load, would bow to his audience, make one or two esoteric gestures and retire to the limbo whence he had come. He would then pick up his skirts and bolt back through the hall and into the cloakroom, where with Cressida’s help he would remove his beard, moustache and eyebrows, his wig, his boots and his golden gown. In due course he would appear in his native guise among the guests.

  The rehearsals did not go through without incidents, most of which were caused by the extreme excitability of the colonel himself. Troy became very anxious about him and Mrs Forrester, whose presence he had feebly tried to prevent, finally put her foot down and told Hilary that if he wanted his uncle to perform that evening he must stop making him run about like a madman. She would not be answerable for the consequences, she said, if he did not. She then removed her husband to rest in his room, obliging him, to his mild annoyance, to ascend the stairs backwards and stop for ten seconds at every fifth step.