CTRL ALT Revolt!

by Nick Cole

  The schooner had three masts, drooping sails, a low quarterdeck, a cargo hold, and two cannons. To free the schooner from the lagoon, you had to arm one of the cannons and fire it at the reef. Once the reef was destroyed, you could sail out through the gap and into open water.

  Where the Mega Shark waited, Fish reminded himself. Don’t forget that. Don’t forget about the Mega Shark.

  Fish made his way to the cannon as the sea serpent slithered out of the lagoon, its triangular head rising well above the ship, seawater cascading off its iridescent coils. Left-clicking on the cannon, Fish got a grayed-out inventory screen. And a message.

  “Cannot load cannon until completing mini-game. Click to continue…”

  The sea serpent screeched and struck one of the masts. The mast groaned and then snapped, falling into the water as the beast’s coils piled up across the ship.

  “Crud,” mumbled Fish, only now remembering the mini-game he’d placed here. And the worst part was, he had left it open so that WonderSoft could insert a commercial product-placement mini-game. As a placeholder, he had pasted in code for an open-source mini-game randomizer.

  So he had no idea what the mini-game would be.

  He clicked to continue.

  “Role-Playing Games from the Last Century” by some programmer called SirDunksALot appeared on the screen. The graphics were blocky and badly created in a retro nostalgia sort of way.

  Great, groaned Fish inwardly. He wasn’t big on tabletop RPGs.

  The computer went dark. Then, on screen…

  Spooky music. Night birds calling. An owl hooting.

  A moment later, a cartoon knight in chain mail advanced through a dark forest.

  Three cartoon goblins leapt out at the knight as a series of questions began to scroll toward the bottom of the screen. In the background, the knight traded blows with the goblins. Parrying, pivoting, and striking out, smashing their tiny wooden shields.

  Question #1.

  What activity would you be most likely to do in the game Boot Hill?

  Slay a kobold

  Find a Wand of Wonder

  Fire a Gauss gun

  Die in a gunfight

  As the possible answers appeared, the knight and goblins continued their battle in the depths of the thorny forest. In the distance, a fantastic fairy castle rose up against the moon. It looked gloomy and forlorn.

  The answers were heading toward the bottom of the screen, and Fish had no doubt that should the last possible choice disappear, the goblins would beat the knight to a bloody pulp and feast on his bones. And Fish would fail at this mini-game. Were there multiple chances to arm the cannon? He couldn’t remember if he’d added that parameter.

  Boot Hill?

  Wild West.

  What do I know about the Wild West, he asked himself.

  Nothing much, really. And what he did know made it sound like a terrible place.

  Wait! He caught himself. How do you know Boot Hill is in the Wild West? He tried to remember. The last answer was already halfway down the page.

  His dad… something his dad had said that day at Disneyland. In Frontierland. At the shooting gallery.

  Just like Boot Hill, kid.

  Fish had no idea, then, what the stranger who’d called himself “Dad” had meant. He’d looked it up that night after his dad had dropped him off back at his grandparents’ house in Burbank. It meant an Old West cemetery.

  Boot Hill.

  Death.

  He hit “D.”

  The questions disappeared just as the three goblins closed in with their short curvy daggers and shields. The knight swung and cut all three in half. They disappeared with a plink.

  The knight adjusted his helm, hefted his sword, and proceeded on down the dark twisting thorny path toward the mysterious castle beneath the moon.

  The screen dimmed and then resolved. A second later the knight was entering the gates of the gloomy castle. An empty suit of armor sprang to life and barred the way, lightning crackling along its massive sword.

  Question #2.

  The RPG classic Traveler inspired which Academy Award-winning film?

  Dude, Where’s My Starship?

  Starship Troopers IX: Eclectic Bug-A-Loo

  Star Wars XV: Of Love and Lightsabers

  Death on a Faraway Star

  Okay, thought Fish. This should be easy. He’d seen most of these movies. He liked watching movies to mindlessly unwind after days on end of coding. But he wasn’t big on which ones had won awards. There were so many awards for movies now, it was hard to remember which one won which, or any, for that matter. But then, they all seemed to win awards these days because there were an endless amount of gratuitous award shows. It was almost like a weekly event. There was even an award show channel.

  “All right then,” he said. “I’ll choose the best film and that’ll be the one that won the Oscar.”

  “What?” asked Peabody from the main suite.

  “Nothing…” Fish was trying to remember each movie as the answers scrolled toward the bottom of the screen and the knight dodged crackling bursts from the ghost armor’s glowing sword.

  Okay, the first one… Fish remembered the silly film about two aliens having lost their spaceship on Earth after a night of partying with an aging rock star. There was no way that movie could have won any awards. Not with an ending in which, as the aliens blast off, the aging rock star gives them the metal salute and promises to “Rock on!” while fake tears roll down his leathery and emaciated cheeks. Obviously not one of Sir Benedict Cumberbatch’s better roles.

  So “no” on Dude, Where’s My Starship?

  Next was Starship Troopers IX. Fish remembered trying to watch that one several times. It had been a straight-to-Crackle release… so no, that one probably didn’t win any “good” awards either.

  Star Wars XV was a problem because of Star Wars XIII through XXIV. They were all blending together lately. Multiple story lines, new characters for the toy industry along with cool new vehicles that did nothing except make must-have toys, and then there was always something that had to be blown up, or a big revelation that someone was someone’s else’s relative. That the franchise was in a state of decline was common knowledge, but one of the last few films had been a real winner. There had been one recent Star Wars movie everyone had said was a must-see… but what was it?

  Fish struggled to recall the title.

  Then he remembered. It was a side story film set during the first three classic films, but told from the perspective of a stormtrooper clone who’s experiencing doubt and dissatisfaction with the Empire. Then he finds love, and every major event in the original franchise is told from his point of view. That movie was awesome. It had won tons of awards, remembered Fish. He’d even seen it twice. Once when it first came out, and then a second time after going back and watching the original Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi, which he’d never actually seen before. Then, on his second time through, it was like watching a whole other movie. Crazy…

  The answers were almost to the bottom of the screen.

  Fish knew it wasn’t Star Wars XV. That other movie hadn’t had a number. It had been cool enough to be all by itself.

  So it had to be “d.”

  Time’s up.

  He hit “D” and the knight flung his sword into the soot-blackened breastplate of the ghost armor. The sword pierced the metal, and the ghost armor disappeared with a clink, its sword falling to the ground. The knight picked up the sword, whistled a little tune, and entered the castle gate.

  Fish could hear the spars of the pirate schooner groaning as the sea serpent’s looping coils squeezed the hull tighter. Above this racket, the monster’s now prehistoric roar echoed out across the ultra-performance speakers built into the very walls of the suite.

 
On screen, the knight entered a shadowy crypt. Wraiths rose up all around, looming over him. The wraiths laughed in gravelly groans and hyena heckles as they closed in about the knight, who waved a flickering torch to keep the undead ghosts at bay.

  Question #3.

  Fish hoped it was the last.

  If you are playing a Knights of Genetic Purity character in the fantastic game Gamma World, would this be a true or false statement that you might make in-character: “Hey buddies, this is my friend Two-Heads. Let’s go scavenge in the ruins of the ancient military base for some soda cans and laser rifles.”

  “True or false?” appeared on screen. And a timer. Ten seconds.

  Fish reasoned out the question quickly. “Genetic Purity” obviously sounded like a bunch of racist jerks. Two-headed mutants probably were not welcome. So the statement was “false.”

  The knight danced away from the closing wraiths and fled the stony labyrinth, his torch dancing along above him as he comically ran down the gloomy passageway. The wraiths were swallowed by the darkness.

  The screen went black again.

  Fish waited.

  Now the knight entered a long U-shaped hall. Massive billiard balls rolled from side to side. Fish moved the knight forward, closer to the first ball as it rolled across his path, up one side of the wall, back down, and up the other side. To get past, Fish knew he’d have to time his movements. Once he thought he had the gist of it, he waited for the right moment. Then he moved.

  A question appeared.

  Is Top Secret a game about international spies, or a game about the intellectual property development wars during the Third Digital Revolution?

  Fish waited. Five seconds. Top Secret sounded government. He went with spies.

  The knight barely missed the massive cue ball. Ahead, the next ball, a yellow striped nine, rolled across his path even faster.

  “If you were playing the game Aftermath, what would be the most important item you might look for?” appeared on screen when Fish attempted the next dash.

  Food

  Chain mail

  A sawed-off shotgun

  To Fish, the game sounded like a survival game. Almost like a post-apocalyptic-type scenario. The world had seen enough of those lately, thought Fish, and reflexively pictured images of the nuclear holocaust in India.

  The timer was almost up.

  Fish hit “A” for “food” and mentally justified his decision as he waited for his knight to get squished by the rolling nine ball. Everybody thought they wanted defense in that type of situation, but having read several survivor blogs from India, Fish knew that after a few days, food was what you wanted most. It was real high up there on the old hierarchy of needs chart.

  Fish’s knight passed the striped nine.

  The final ball, a black eight, streaked back and forth past the knight. Fish knew that timing his next move was near-impossible. But he also knew that somehow his developer’s mind was keying in on just how this last test had been coded. He waited, hoped, and made his move.

  The Dungeon Master has just rolled for initiative. He wins, but does not show you the dice. He then announces that his WereHydraLich attacks your first-level character for… (and then he picks up all his dice and drops them on the table) this many damage. You:

  Are going to die because your first-level thief only has three hit points

  Will be totally justified when you toilet paper his mom’s car later that night

  Make a new character because Steve Wizner is the only guy in your group who’ll DM

  All of the above

  Obviously SirDunksAlot was working out some garbage from the past, thought Fish as he tapped “D” again.

  The knight hopped in front of the looming eight ball and dashed forward.

  He barely made it and issued a chimpanzee-like “Woot!” as he did so.

  For the last time, the screen went dark.

  A moment later it flickered back to life. The knight was in a sprawling cavern where piles upon piles of gleaming gold spilled out from all manner of chests. Gems and swords and scroll-worked armor littered the floor. A voluptuous blonde, imprisoned within a large gem, winked at the knight from beneath long, dark, fluttering eyelashes.

  The knight stepped back and drew his broadsword, and in doing so, knocked over a stack of ancient tomes, which crashed down into an ornate mirror, which shattered on the flagstone floor.

  The Green Dragon sleeping inside the piles of gold awoke with a snorty huff.

  Its lizard eyes in half slit found the knight a moment after its smoking nostrils flared at the interruption. The dragon exploded upward, its wings snapping to full span as it towered above the now-tiny knight. Fish could see its silver-scaled underbelly sucking in a great breath, and he knew it was about to breath fire, or whatever, down on him.

  Nearby, a shiny shield with a glowing griffin lay within the fabulous pile of riches. Fish sent the knight in that direction and grabbed the shield. A moment later, the dragon bellow-roared, and green gaseous fire curled and rained down upon the knight. The knight held the shield between himself and the monster—if not valiantly, then stoically. When the lizard’s breath weapon was expended, Fish raced the knight at the green dragon and struck with his sword.

  Another question appeared.

  The “R” in RPG… What does it stand for?

  Roll

  Role

  Fish had never really thought about that. He knew tabletop games used lots of math just like computer games. Hence “rolling” the dice. He moved his finger toward the “A” key.

  But then why did people LRP? Pretend they were vampires and such. That was “role” playing.

  It was a fifty-fifty split. He wasn’t sure which one, but in the end, leaned a little more toward the “role” in role-playing.

  He hit the “B” key.

  “You think so?” appeared on screen.

  Yes

  No

  Had he answered wrong? Was the mini-game giving him a second chance? Or was it checking him? Fish had never liked second-guessing himself; it was a waste of time, and time was something a developer slash programmer slash coder didn’t have a lot of. You just went with what you thought was right and hoped it was.

  He pressed “A.”

  “If that’s so,” appeared on screen, “then what would your knight say as he struck the dragon? (Use your voice mic and act out your part. Protip: Use your best celebrity impression.)”

  Uh… thought Fish, and felt frozen from the fingers that hovered over his keyboard to the numb seat of his expensive corduroys.

  “Uh…” he spoke, which was not really much of an impression of any celebrity that he knew of. Quick, he thought, or—

  Dead guards in the street.

  “Y’know… dragon.” It was his only impression. An actor from a long time ago. Warner Renaissance had done a digital character imprint of the famous actor and used the model in a number of remakes that were hot a decade or so ago. Fish remembered really liking the cadence of one actor’s voice, and had gone around doing almost everything in that same voice as best he could. The girl he was dating at the time got tired of it fast and made him stop it altogether. But Fish loved Digital Christopher Walken. He’d been a hard habit to break.

  “Y’know… dragon… it’s time for you… to die… my friend.”

  Fish waited and felt utterly stupid. It hadn’t been his best impression. He could do better. Had done better before. But that was all he had at this moment.

  On screen, the knight drove the broadsword into the dragon’s heart.

  Mini-Game Complete.

  Fish slumped back in his chair.

  The knight ran to the blond bombshell, who’d been released from her gem-prison, and scooped the beautiful damsel up in his muscular arms. She kissed him and squeaked, “My her
o!”

  The POV switched back to the pirate schooner’s cannon-loading screen. Fish dumped the explosives from his inventory into the cannon and closed the screen. Now he was looking down the barrel of the cannon at the reef in the water beyond the schooner’s deck. Above, the sea serpent crowed in screechy triumph. Fish aimed and fired.

  The cannonball arced out and smashed into the water just below the reef. A moment later, a terrific plume erupted in a fountain and the reef collapsed. Instantly, the lagoon began to spill out into the open ocean. Rapids formed, and the pirate schooner was whirl-dragged away from the clutch of the angry sea serpent and out into open water.

  Fish closed his eyes. Blinked rapidly. He felt tired. And hungry.

  When he opened his eyes again, the schooner was bobbing out into the surf. The wind caught hold of its tattered sails and dragged the boat farther out into the angry deep blue water.

  Watch out for the Mega Shark, thought Fish, and then saw Rapper’s Delight coming down the shoreline straight for him.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Fish had designed this zone of the ocean with an undersea shelf below the outer islands. Beyond this, the ocean dropped rapidly to incredible player-crushing depths. Fish had even hidden a few rare items down there, in the darkest parts of the simulated ocean. But he’d also populated the zone with a massive prehistoric shark known as the Carcharodon megalodon. The Big-Tooth. Doing the research for this digital monster had been fun. Scary, but fun. The dino-shark thing had once been a real live monster. A long time ago. Scientists had found the teeth marks of these deep-sea serial killers in whale vertebrae from this ancient era, indicating they’d bitten the whales in half. A man could sit inside the extended jaw of the Carcharodon megalodon and not even reach the top-most extension of the upper teeth. There were monsters in the prehistoric world… and then there was the Carcharodon megalodon. A true sea monster, and at one time a frightening reality.

  Now, bobbing in open sea aboard the salvaged schooner, Fish wasn’t sure exactly what to worry about in the choppy dark blue waters on the far side of the lonely island. It was a toss-up. The approaching, and heavily armed, pirates in the high-speed luxury yacht bearing down on his wallowing craft? Or the unseen toothy monster swimming in the dark depths below his avatar?