“Let’s go and show Pops my unicorn.” Emma was completely oblivious to the tension building inside of me. She and Allie took off with the gift in hand, skipping and laughing as they went.
My mind was a mess. What the hell just happened with Jane? I turned to Sarah, questioning her without speaking. She was there, right next to Jane, and her grimace confirmed the uneasiness I’d read on Jane. She tilted her head in the direction Jane ran off to, urging me to follow after her.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I took off toward the house in search of Jane. I neared the back of the house and heard cupboards opening and closing loudly.
“You done taking it out on the kitchen, or you need another minute?”
Jane jumped back at the sound of my voice. She attempted a smile, but those clouded eyes were still there, accelerating my already uneven heart rate. Ah, man, I messed up big time.
“I might move on to the bathroom next,” she quipped, but her voice didn’t hold its usual punch.
“Hey,” I tried again, as I opened the screen door and walked into the kitchen. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” She pasted on another one of those fake smiles. She forgot that I knew her. I could see right through her facade.
“You didn’t look fine a minute ago.”
“Wow, Jackson, you sure know how to make a girl feel special.” She turned away from me and started rummaging in the cabinets again.
“You know what I mean,” I replied softly. My feet closed the final distance between us, and my hand covered her hand resting on the countertop. She wouldn’t look up at me, so I gently guided her to face me with my other hand. After a few heartbeats, I could see her guard fall.
“I am fine,” she breathed out, trying to turn away again, but I kept my hand on her face. No way was I letting her hide from me. “I just needed a minute,” she admitted, fighting hard to keep her voice steady.
“I’m sorry for crossing a line.” No need to ask the question. I could read the hurt all over her face once she let me truly see her.
“What do you mean?” Her brow pinched in confusion, and my hands dropped. Now I was the one to step back and shift uncomfortably, unable to return her gaze.
“What are you talking about?” She tried again, stepping away from the cabinet and up to me. She tugged on my hand, shocking us both.
Her hand squeezed mine, and I forced the words out. “I shouldn’t have hugged Emma like that. I’m sorry.”
“You think I’m upset about that?” Her teeth caught her bottom lip, distracting me.
“Yeah,” I admitted. Her lips fought a smile.
“I wasn’t expecting her to launch herself in your arms. But I don’t mind.”
“The kid took me by surprise, too.”
“Hey.” Jane leaned closer and rested her hand on my arm. Her touch sent a spark through my whole body. The smile she gave me lit up her face, and my mouth went dry.
“So if it wasn’t me being an idiot, why are you so upset?”
Jane got serious again and averted her gaze.
“Jane?” My hand found its way to her face again, and the touch caused her to suck in a breath. After all these years, a single touch still had the power to set me on fire.
“I really don’t know. Today is supposed to be a happy day. And I am happy. Seeing her with you like that...”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come.” I’d crossed the line. Emma was great, but I wasn’t the kid’s dad.
“No.” Her voice picked up. “Emma is so happy you came. Did you see the size of her smile?”
“She’s a great kid. You’re lucky to have her.” As much as Jane had lost, she still had Emma. It could be worse. I knew firsthand what it was like to lose everything in one fell swoop.
“I am.” Jane’s expression turned serious, and her chin lifted. “Jackson.” Her shoulders squared, and she looked me right in the eye. “I’m happy you came. You made Emma’s day. You made mine.” Jane’s voice was barely above a whisper.
I slowly pulled her to me and enfolded her slim frame close to me. We both seemed to welcome the contact. Her body fit perfectly in my arms . Holding her like this felt so right. We stood there for what felt like a long time, Jane drawing strength from my embrace and me reveling in the warmth and nearness of her. For the first time in ages, I felt like me being here, being a friend to Jane, was exactly where I needed to be. That sense of belonging was something I hadn’t felt in ages.
“Want to help me take the cake out?” Jane looked up, and that sense of belonging intensified.
“Sure, I’d love to.”
Fourteen Years Earlier
The Other - Stripped / Lauv
JANE
Tomorrow Jackson was headed off to Boston, so his parents, Lisa and Paul, put together a “little party”—meaning half the town was there to wish Jackson well and see him off tonight. I didn’t know if I was going to get a chance to say good-bye to him alone.
“Hey, Jane.” Sarah slung her arm around me and squeezed me close to her. The shield I put up started to fray, and my vision blurred. Our eyes locked, and in that silent communication that comes from years of friendship, Sarah whisked me off inside and up the stairs to her room.
“What’s going on?” She closed the door, ensuring that we were alone and out of hearing distance from the others wandering in and out downstairs.
I couldn’t find my voice. I was afraid I’d start to really fall apart if I spilled all that was bottled up inside. I sat down on the bed to gather up the strength I needed for this conversation.
“You can’t say good-bye to him, can you?” Sarah knew me and saw this coming.
I nodded as the first tear rolled down my cheek. My futile attempt to swipe at my eyes and hide the crying proved unsuccessful.
“Oh, Jane, he’ll come back.” She wrapped her arms around me. I leaned into her embrace as the silent tears fell, releasing some of that pressure built up inside.
“It’s not just him leaving,” I squeaked.
“What is it, then?” Sarah asked. I must be freaking her out right now.
“It’s over, Sar!” I moaned, giving in to the full specter of my tumbled emotions.
“What do you mean, over? He’s going to college, not dying.”
“He’s going away, he’s starting something new, and I don’t fit in. I never fit in,” I wailed. She didn’t seem to get the severity of this moment.
“Sure you do. Look at how much time you guys spent over the summer. You were inseparable.” Sarah did her best to console me, adding to my dismay.
What kind of friend was I? Jackson, her brother, was leaving. She probably was feeling all the pain of having to say good-bye, and here I was, having a royal meltdown.
“You know what I mean. Jackson will never look at me as more than a friend, someone to hang out with when he’s bored.”
“Don’t say that, Jane. He’ll be back here all the time, weekends, holidays…he may be slow when it comes to you, but he’ll figure it out at some point.”
“Sure, he’ll be back, but by then he’ll have met someone, be dating, and I can’t sit around and wait for him to hopefully notice me one day. It’s over.”
“I’ve told you before, I could talk to him.”
“No! You need to stay out of it. If it’s meant to be, he needs to figure it out on his own. So please, I’m begging you, stay out of it, Sarah.”
She looked at me, wanting to say more. Before she could start, I made my point clear.
“Sarah, promise me you’ll stay out of it, okay?”
I could see the apprehension in her, like she wanted to push the matter. But the tears brimming in my eyes and the fierceness in my voice halted any further objection.
“Okay,” she conceded as she hugged me and let me cry out the last of my tears.
As my sniffling quieted down, Sarah shrugged me off her shoulder. “Are you going to be okay to go down there?”
“Sure. Let me fix my makeup and
I’ll be fine.”
After a good touchup and a few minutes to compose myself, we both headed down and out the back. The smell of grilled burgers and chili hit my nostrils, and my stomach grumbled in response.
“There you both are. They’re here, Lisa,” my mom called out. “We were about ready to send out a search party to look for you two. Where did you girls disappear to?”
Before I could give an excuse, Sarah jumped in with the perfect save. “I picked up some new makeup at the mall yesterday. I had to show Jane, and we ended up trying some of it on. Doesn’t she look beautiful?”
“She always does, with or without the stuff,” my mom remarked, leaning in to kiss me on my forehead.
“Now why don’t you two go and get the last of the food from the kitchen? Then everyone can eat. We’re all ready.”
“Sure thing, Mom,” Sarah piped up and led us into the kitchen to pick up the last of the bowls and dishes to take outside.
JACKSON
“Hey, man, you all packed and set for tomorrow?” Tom slapped me on the back as he joined me on the porch, offering me a soda.
I accepted it without really looking at the offered can. I opened it and took a long pull, feeling the cool liquid flowing down my throat, hoping it would cool me down before answering him.
“Sure, all set,” I replied without too much enthusiasm, barely making eye contact. Instinctively, I sought out Jane. Tom followed my direction.
“Oh, man, you’re not worried about leaving her behind, are you? You know I’ve got that covered, right?”
My eyes snapped back to him to make sure I understood him correctly. This was Tom we were talking about, the guy that dated my sister for the last year, and now he was telling me he had Jane covered?
I shot him a nasty look. Tom held up his hands and shrugged. “You know what I mean, dude. I’ll take care of Sarah, is all I mean. Nothing more than that. You know I treat her good.”
Understanding dawned on me as I noticed Sarah next to Jane. Something clicked in Tom’s brain. “You weren’t worrying about Sarah, were you?”
“Leave it alone, okay?” I growled, taking another gulp of my drink, not really tasting the stuff.
“You have to tell her, Jacks.” Tom squeezed my shoulder. “I can’t believe you haven’t made a move on her yet. She’s Sarah’s friend and all, so I get it, but that girl is into you. Why else do you think she hangs out with you all the time?” He looked at me intently.
“I’m going away to B-O-S-T-O-N tomorrow. I’ll be gone for five years, at least. It’s not happening. And let’s not forget about that crazy rule. Her dad would kick my butt. I can’t go after her.”
“Jackson, you’ll be back all the time,” he interrupted.
“I know, but it’s too late. She turns sixteen in a couple of weeks. What am I going to do? Come back for that? And then have her wait for me, while I’m in Boston? It would never work.” The impact of my words cast a gloom over the joyful gathering.
“That may be true, but don’t you think you need to talk to her, instead of deciding it for the both of you?”
I didn’t really have a comeback to that. I thought about this over and over and over again. Hell, since that day she’d stood pounding on our front door all those months ago, I hadn’t really thought of much else. But I never once stopped to think about what she might think about giving it a go.
“It’s just a thought.” Tom turned to walk away, leaving me to stew over all he’d said—and hadn’t said.
I leaned over the railing of the porch and gazed out into the garden. Everywhere I looked, I saw people I knew that came out tonight to be here for me. The piles of food were half eaten, the cake almost all gone. Mom had outdone herself with fixing up the yard and decorating it in a Boston Red Sox theme. But as I looked at each cluster of people, no one held my attention for long, until my focus landed on Sarah and Jane. I noticed Jane’s face sparkle in the lantern lights strung throughout the garden. Her long hair had soft curls to it tonight, and they swayed as she moved about laughing and joking with Sarah. I was glad her dark mood from earlier was gone and her vibrant, energetic personality returned.
She caught me staring, but I couldn’t find it in me to avert my gaze. She raised her brows in question. I smiled, and she returned the gesture. I continued to stare, and her brow furrowed, questioning me. I gave her a halfhearted shrug, trying to assure her all was fine. The Thompson family, who walked into our line of vision and beckoned me down from the porch to offer their good-bye, disrupted our silent communication. They were leaving and wanted to wish me the best of luck for tomorrow.
I got swallowed up in the many hugs and well wishes from the departing families and friends slowly making their way over to say good-bye.
When most of them left, I searched out Jane but couldn’t find her anywhere. As I made a second sweep around the garden, someone slid up next to me and bumped me in the side.
“Those were some tight hugs you were giving Mrs. Branton there,” Jane joked.
“There you are,” I blurted out, relief oozing from my voice.
“Here I am,” she confirmed, fighting a mischievous smile. “You doing okay? You seemed distracted earlier.”
I didn’t understand how she could be so in tune with my moods and yet so oblivious to my feelings for her.
“Just thinking. I have a lot on my mind. How about you? You were the one in tears earlier,” I said.
“I’ll be fine. Besides, tonight is all about you, not me. So what gives?”
“Not here,” was all I said.
“Let’s go,” she replied as she put her hand in mine, startling me.
We’d grown very close over the last months, and holding hands wasn’t as big of a deal anymore, but usually it was me who would manipulate the situation to make it happen. This was a first, and I felt a thrill at the touch of her warm hand resting in mine. Without giving it another thought, I laced my fingers between hers and gave her hand a small squeeze. She gazed back at me and awarded me with one of her heartbreaking smiles. One that made me feel warm from my chest all the way down to my toes.
She led the way to our favorite spot by the Hudson and pulled me down to sit right next to her. Our legs touched, making my skin tingle and burn. How this girl could light my insides on fire.
I turned to take a good look at her, and I felt it like a punch to the gut. This girl was breathtaking, and I could barely keep myself together staring at her like this.
“I love it here,” she whispered.
I swallowed the lump lodged in my throat as my eyes soaked her up. Sitting here, on our spot, being together, I would miss this the most when I drove off in the morning.
“Ditto,” I replied, but I wasn’t looking out at the river like she was. I was staring straight at her. I realized I loved this place for all the memories we’d made.
She caught me gaping. “What’s up with you tonight, Jackson? You’re acting weird.”
I knew this was my opening. This was the moment I’d been waiting for. What was holding me back? I gathered up my courage, and as I looked at her bright smile, I saw hope reflected there.
Her longing eyes pleaded for me to say the words I’d been meaning to say for so long. I found myself moving closer. My hand covered hers, and she held her breath as I shifted even closer. I swallowed against the dryness in my mouth, and my mind went crazy imagining what those sweet lips would feel like pressed against mine.
As I leaned in the last leg of the distance, my brain kicked in, reminding me of all the reasons why I couldn’t kiss her and tell her how I felt. Like the chicken I was, I turned my head as I reached her. Instead of kissing her, I wrapped her up in a tight hug.
“I’m going to miss you,” I breathed into her ear.
I could feel her drawing back, and after what felt like forever, she answered with a quiver to her voice, “Not as much as I’ll miss you.”
I pulled back to look at her, but Jane wouldn’t look at me. I gently put my hand
under her chin and directed her to face me. The moonlight was dim, but the unshed tears were there, and her lower lip trembled.
Instantly, I felt the real regret of not leaning in and kissing her. All the doubt I might have ever had washed away in that moment. I could see all of her feelings written there on her face. For the very first time, the shields came down and I saw what I’d missed all this time. The timing couldn’t be any crueler. I could barely look at her pain-filled expression.
“Hey.” I tried to console her, and myself. I was trying to grasp for any kind of lifeline, because all I’d ever wanted from this girl was here, and I’d been an idiot not to try and claim it before.
“I’ll be back soon. And we can hang out all the time when I come home.”
“I know.” She blinked back tears. “It’ll be just like the summer,” she said, already dismissing the idea, dismissing me. As I struggled to digest her words, she wrapped her arms around me, giving me a big squeeze. I returned her embrace but was surprised by the soft feel of her lips on my cheek, burning me where they touched my skin. “I’ll miss you, Jacks,” she murmured.
Before I could respond, she hopped up and took off.
I sat there, stunned, trying to figure out how all of what I ever wanted with Jane slipped through my fingers because I was a coward and didn’t go after it all this time.
Present Day
Breathing -Oscar and the Wolf
JACKSON
After cutting my hand on the job in Peekskill and realizing I didn’t have a first aid kit, I decided to stop at the store to stock up on the basics for future occurrences.
“Excuse me, where can I find the antiseptic?” I turned to the shop assistant.
“In aisle 5, right over there.” She pointed it out to me and ran back to the cash registers up front.
Collecting all of the supplies I needed, I headed over to pay for my purchases.
The Songs of You and Me Page 8
