“Oh, Jackson.” Sarah wiped away her tears and wrapped me up in her arms. She was a lot smaller than me, but I allowed the comfort she offered, falling apart again. She held me as I cried for all I’d lost, all that could have been, all that Ainsley took from me.
“I want to hate her,” I started. “But ultimately, I just feel pain. It hurts so much.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Sarah’s voice broke. “I don’t even have the words.”
“Yeah, you understand now why I’ve been MIA?” I laughed bitterly, wiping at my tears to clear my vision.
“What happens now?” Her voice steadier now, her tears brushed away.
“What do you mean? What happens now?” I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t even understand what she meant.
“Obviously you can’t keep going the way you are. You’ll end up a basket case.” Sarah huffed as if it was evident.
“I don’t know what else to do. I wake up in the morning, I go to my job. I work my butt off because it keeps me focused, and surprisingly, I still enjoy it. Then I come home and try not to think about it all. So far, I haven’t been very successful.” I shrugged. “I’m hoping to get better at that.”
“Jackson.” She waited for me to meet her eyes. “You can’t keep this up. You’ll end up killing yourself or any chance of a normal life. You need to move forward. You need to pick yourself up and get on with life.”
“What do you think I’ve been doing?” I challenged, my voice taking on a defensive edge.
“Drinking to forget, working yourself to the bone. That isn’t moving past what that hussy did to you. That isn’t moving forward in life at all.”
“What do you suggest, then?” I crossed my arms, willing myself to remain calm.
“I don’t know. I don’t have a lot of experience in these types of situations. Maybe a move?” she offered.
“I have moved,” I insisted, gesturing to my surroundings.
“Well, clearly that wasn’t enough. Maybe you need a new start. You always said you’d move back home, start your own company.” She reminded me of one of my dreams back when I first graduated. Ainsley never saw herself living in Bellebrook, so I soon gave up on the idea. But Sarah was right; there was nothing to stop me now.
“I guess.” I shrugged, mulling the idea over some more. “But I’d need some more capital and a few contracts before I could even consider it.”
“You’ve always been a hard worker. I’m sure you can figure it out,” she offered. “And we’d be there to back you up. Tom, Mom, and Dad,” she recited. “Some of your friends from high school are still in or around town. And there’s Jane.” She paused, letting that one sink in. Her name shot a thousand memories through me, mostly good ones. What a good friend she was, how long I hoped and wanted her to be more. How I never did get over her, not really.
“She’s still there?” I pried, not wanting to show how hearing her name gave me hope, something I hadn’t felt in a long, long time.
“She’s still there,” she replied. “And she’s single.”
“Really, Sarah!” I chided. Now wasn’t the time for me to even contemplate that.
“She is.” she swatted me. “You might not be ready to hear it now, but she’s still in Bellebrook, she’s single, and she is still as beautiful as ever. So when you do feel up to it, I think you might want to revisit that unresolved issue and give it your all. Lord knows we all were rooting for you to get it right the first time around.”
I finally turned to those dirty, forgotten dishes and rinsed and put them in the dishwasher. Anything to turn my back on Sarah and put an end to the turn this conversation had taken.
“Whatever you decide to do, we’ll be here to support you. But give it some thought, will you? Bellebrook is a perfect place to start over. And a fresh start is exactly what you need.”
I hated that she was right.
Present Day
No Sound but the Wind – Editors
JANE
“Hey, beautiful.” Jackson snuck up on me in the auditorium. One of the perks of us both working at the high school was him surprising me every so often.
“Hey, yourself,” I whispered, feeling a flutter in my belly as I drank him in. His eyes lingered on me before shifting to Graham, who was seated next to me, clearing his throat.
“Graham,” Jackson called out, an edge to his voice. He was still convinced Graham held out hope of us getting together.
“You got a minute?” His lips curved in that grin that made my knees go weak.
“I’ll be right back.” I turned to Graham before hopping out of my seat and lacing my fingers in Jackson’s.
“What’s up?” I turned to him once we were out of the Fine Arts building. The weather was turning cold, so I wrapped my scarf around me.
“Let me help you with that.” Jackson wrapped me up in his strong arms, the temperature already heating up in his embrace.
“You’ve got to knock that off,” I chided, secretly reveling in the glow his touch emanated.
“I’m still a teacher at this school.”
He chuckled, enjoying my unease.
“There are probably still students lurking around, even at this time,” I reprimanded, but it was pointless. My lips curled in an involuntary smile as his hands rubbed up and down my back.
“All right.” He grinned, releasing me. My body felt even colder than before, missing his warmth, touch, and nearness.
“So, did you need to see me?” I stressed the word need, like a lovesick teenager, causing him to laugh. “Or did you want something? Because it’s getting really cold out here.” October turned even colder than usual in the Hudson Valley.
“I was wondering if we were still on for tonight? You, me, Emma. Dinner?”
Ever since we decided to make a go of things, Jackson was an almost permanent fixture in our family setting. He would eat dinner most evenings with us, unless he had an appointment with clients or a project that needed finishing. Then, if he had time, he would hang out with us, playing with Emma while I got grading done or lessons prepped for the next day. Some nights we would watch a movie. We were currently on the fifth Harry Potter, and Emma was still educating Jackson in all things magical. On those Friday nights when Emma spent time with my parents, he would take me out for a nice dinner or a play at the local theater. He even cooked me a meal one Friday. My parents were ecstatic to see us together and made a point of having Emma stay over each Friday night so we had enough time together, just the two of us.
“I didn’t realize we were still at the point in our relationship you needed to confirm coming over,” I teased.
Jackson threaded his fingers through mine before dipping his head toward me, touching his lips to mine. What felt like a soft brush lingered, and soon turned into a slow, burning kiss. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt Jackson twirling my rings, something he had been doing a lot lately, but I was too caught up in the kiss to pay it any attention.
When I pulled back, my mind a haze from the heat he spread through me, I expected to see that same fire reflected in Jackson’s eyes. Instead, his brow was creased, his fingers still rubbing absently at my rings.
“You okay?” I urged, noting his distraction.
“Yeah, fine.” He shook whatever was bothering him off, and kissed me quickly.
“I will see you tonight.” He rubbed my arms, warming me.
“Tonight,” I replied, fighting off the butterflies his kiss set off inside me and ignoring the strange feeling that something might be wrong.
JACKSON
“I’m here.” I walked in through the back door, something Jane insisted she was okay with.
This whole dating Jane thing was pretty new to me. It wasn’t just dating. There was Emma, too. She was a little firecracker that always spoke her mind. She had more energy than she knew what to do with most times, and she’d weaseled her way into my heart faster than I ever saw coming.
“Jackson!” Emma came barreling toward
me, throwing herself into my outstretched arms. “I missed you today.”
I squeezed her, loving how her chubby arms encircled my neck.
“I missed you, too, princess.” I kissed her squishy cheek and tousled her blonde curls before hefting her up and taking her with me in my arms.
“Let’s go see what your mom is up to.” I tickled her side and made my way over to the stove, where Jane was stirring something that smelled great.
“Hey there, beautiful.” I shifted Emma to the other side, able to nuzzle Jane’s tempting neck, dropping a kiss on the soft spot of her skin just under her ear.
She curled into me before murmuring, “Hey, yourself,” and giving me and Emma a solid hug.
“How was your day?” She turned to the pot and continued stirring.
It struck me how mundane this was. Going to work, coming home, not my home, but what felt like home. All because they were here, Jane and Emma. Or my girls, like I thought of them. Eating dinner, spending time together. This was what I’d always wanted. And it was right here, within my grasp.
“It was good.” I returned to the conversation, shaking off the heavy thoughts, knowing Jane was probably not on the same page just yet. Her wedding rings were still on, I noticed again.
“How is the south wing coming along?” Jane called out over her shoulder.
I shook off my jacket, having set down Emma, and encircled Jane from behind with my arms. At first she was wary about getting close to me around Emma. And I understood. Emma was her everything. I couldn’t mess that up. We didn’t want to confuse the kid. But the more time I spent here, the more she initiated, the more comfortable we got around each other. And the kid had my back, right from the start.
“Right on schedule,” I replied, rubbing my chin against the side of her neck, craving the nearness I missed all day.
“That’s great. Sarah will be pleased to hear the opening ceremony can go on as planned.” She turned in my arms, folding me against her. She kissed me slowly until water boiling over drew her attention back to the meal she was preparing.
Jane got the pasta drained and called us all to the table. Right on time, I was starving.
“So how was school today, kid?” I asked before taking a bite of the spaghetti. If it tasted as good as it smelled, I was in for a real treat.
“Suzie’s dad came into school today and taught us about building a house,” she replied.
“That’s great.” I was glad the kids were learning something that I shared an interest in.
“Her dad sucked,” Emma announced.
“Emma,” Jane scolded, “you can’t use that word. It isn’t nice. Do you even know what it means?”
“’Course, Mommy. It means he’s bad at explaining stuff. It was so boring.”
I tried really hard to suppress my smile, but Emma cracked me up. Even Jane fought a grin.
“Even so, you can’t say that about someone. It isn’t nice.”
“Well, it’s too late. I told Suzie her dad sucked.”
I sat in stunned silence, shocked at Emma’s honesty.
“Emma, why did you do that?” Jane dropped her fork and gave Emma her full attention.
“Well, I told her my dad knows all about building stuff, and he would have made us laugh if he were here.” She took another bite of her food, unfazed by her message.
“Why would you say that? You know your dad never worked in construction.”
“Construction?” Emma quirked her brow at her mom.
“Building and stuff,” Jane explained.
“Not my dead dad.” I choked at the casual way Emma mentioned David. “I meant my new dad, Jackson.” She took a sip from her water, and Jane looked at me like she wanted me to disappear right now before she continued the rest of this conversation.
“Emma, what makes you think Jackson is your dad?” Jane asked. I felt like I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me. Leaving now would only make things worse. I didn’t want Jane to think I was running away from them.
“Well, isn’t he?” she countered. “He’s always here. He loves you, he loves me. I don’t understand.” Her eyes flashed from Jane to me and back to Jane again.
“Jackson is a friend. He isn’t your dad. You know that.” Jane’s voice got soft as she explained, obviously still a sensitive subject.
Her words were like a sucker punch to the gut. I knew she was trying to get Emma to understand I was only the friend. But somewhere over the weeks we’d been together, I’d hoped we’d become more. Moved forward enough for her to think of us as something resembling a family. Her actions and words right now pulled the rug from under me and crushed that dream. Hard.
“Okay, Mommy.” Emma eyed me and finished off her food.
My appetite suddenly vanished.
“Time to say goodnight,” Jane called out to Emma. She’d been busy grading papers while Emma and I played a board game and read books. After that tense moment at the table, I assumed she needed some space, time to think.
“Good night.” Emma hugged me, tight. “I don’t care what Mommy says. I love you like a daddy,” she whispered in my ear.
I was floored. I shared her feelings. I loved her like she was my own. But I knew I couldn’t go against Jane’s wishes and acknowledge what she said.
When she let go and looked at me with those big baby blues, full of trust, I knew I would always love Emma. I couldn’t withhold my love from her. I pulled her back to me and whispered, “Love you, too, princess, so much. Don’t you ever forget that.”
She withdrew from my arms and called out over her shoulder “I won’t,” as she skipped to her mom, off to bed. Kids! Not a care in the world.
While Jane put Emma to bed, I contemplated all that went down during dinner. Putting the game and books away, I studied the family pictures. A picture of Jane and her parents at her high school graduation, multiple pictures of Emma in every stage of her childhood so far, pictures of holidays. I studied the wedding picture of David and Jane.
She looked so beautiful and so happy. Not a care marking her beautiful face. And his eyes, trained on her, grinning like he was the luckiest man alive. And he was, getting married to Jane. Then there was a family picture of David and Jane holding baby Emma. Again, those happy, carefree faces. I felt like an intruder, standing here, staring at what wasn’t mine to want.
“She’s in bed.” Jane walked in, interrupting my troubled thoughts.
“She okay?” I checked, unsure what to say after the strained conversation at the dinner table.
“Yeah, she will be. It’s so unlike her to be rude.” I guess she had a point, however cute and honest Emma had been.
“It isn’t funny,” Jane scolded me. “She can’t go around hurting other people’s feelings just because she feels like she’s telling the truth. And telling people you’re her dad. I don’t know why she thought that would be okay.”
Her words hit that same sore spot, the one that ached all night. I couldn’t blame her for being upset, but it still felt like she was pouring salt in my wound.
“It doesn’t matter.” I excused Emma’s comment, hoping to put the topic to bed, for now at least. In the future, I hoped to get to a point where it wouldn’t be an issue anymore.
“It does.” Jane’s shoulders bunched, her finger running over her rings in an absent tick, pulling my eyes to the symbol that reminded me each time how she still wasn’t fully committed to us. Not all in, like I was. Like I wanted her to be.
“I really don’t mind,” I tried, hoping to ease her worries and get back to the mood we were in before Emma opened up the can of worms.
“But I do.” She averted her gaze from mine.
“What?” I choked, thinking I didn’t hear her right.
“Jackson,” she started, sinking into the sofa, running her hands over her thighs, flashing those shiny stones at me again. “I think we have to slow things down,” she breathed out, releasing the air she held.
“What are you talking about?”
I sat next to her, taking her hand in mine, feeling the metal touch my skin.
“Emma’s confused. She thinks we’re playing happy family here. She doesn’t understand.”
“What’s to understand?” I let go of her hand and got up, hoping the movement would clear my head.
“You wouldn’t understand. You don’t have kids.”
And the punches kept coming. Of all the things she could have said, that was like taking a knife and stabbing it in that aching wound.
“Oh, Jackson, I didn’t mean it like that.” She got up and approached me. I held back, my anger rising.
“I understand. Emma was right to assume. I’m not her dad, but we have been playing family. I’m here all the time. We do almost everything together. The only thing we don’t share yet is a bed, because I’m waiting to do things right by you.” My voice rose, but I reined it in, not wanting to wake up the kid. “Emma and I are on the same page here. It’s you that’s holding back, Jane.”
“Me?” She scoffed, her hackles up.
“Yes, you. Emma’s reaction tonight scared you. You’re not ready to move forward. That’s why you don’t want her thinking of me as her dad, telling people I’m her father. Hell, that’s why you won’t take off those rings,” I spat. The box was open, and all of it came pouring out.
“What do my rings have to do with any of this?” she hissed, straining to keep her voice down.
“You haven’t let go. In your mind, you’re still married to David.”
She didn’t stop me. She stared at me, defeated.
“And the real question is, where do I fit in?” I said it, I voiced the doubts that were there, in the back of my mind for the past weeks, convincing me I might lose all of this.
“I don’t know what to say.” She stared at me, tears collecting in her eyes.
“I love you, Jane. But somehow that doesn’t seem to be enough. I told you when we started this, that I was in, all in.” I stressed the word all. “I don’t want to do this halfway. I can’t go back to pretending. I did that for years, and it sucked.”
The Songs of You and Me Page 20
