She didn’t even crack a smile at my pun.
“Either we are in, or not. But I won’t give you half of what I have to offer, stringing us both along.” I heaved a breath, glad to have this out in the open but feeling dread as a huge pit formed in my gut.
It was all up to her now.
“I don’t think I can,” she said, crushing everything.
“Then I guess there’s nothing more to say.” I turned to collect my jacket and head out.
Jane followed me, unsure. At the door, I pulled in a big breath and faced her one last time.
“I’m not ready to throw us away.”
Jane tried to interrupt me, but I held up my hand, needing to get this out.
“I have faith in us—you, me, Emma. I’ll wait. Give you time. When you figure things out, you come find me.”
With that, I leaned in one last time and pressed my lips to hers. I poured all I had in that final kiss, feeling her tears wet my cheeks, but not pulling back yet, not until I showed her one last time what she meant to me and how it killed me to let her go. And then I turned away and didn’t look back.
Two and a Half Years Earlier
Who Knew - Pink
JANE
“Hey, Dave, can you put Emma down?” I called out.
Emma, our three-year-old, was fighting the last bout of the flu. She started to fuss, and I could use a break getting her down for the night. It was almost eight, and I was beat.
“Sure. I’ll be right there,” David replied.
Today was another one in a series of rough days with Emma being up a few times during the night and then fussy during the day. I felt myself wearing thin and wanted to get her down before she fell into a full-blown howling session again.
“Hon, where are her pajamas?” David called out from Emma’s bedroom.
“On the chest of drawers. You can’t miss it.” I tried to keep the bite out of my tone. I’d shown him this so many times, and he couldn’t seem to remember. Was it a typical male thing, or just my husband who had a hard time remembering where we kept anything in this home we shared for the better half of our six-year marriage?
“Hey, Jane,” he yelled from Emma’s room. “I think you’re going to have to show me. I can’t seem to find it.”
My resolve to stay patient was running low as I made my way into Emma’s room, muttering, “Men.”
“It’s right here,” I cried out victoriously.
After getting Emma tucked in bed, David returned to the living room.
“I’m sorry I snapped.” I looked up at David. “I’ve been running on little sleep these past couple of days.”
David had been out of town for a business trip the last few days, leaving me alone to face a sick Emma at night.
“Why don’t you go have a shower and go to bed? I’m sure she’ll be up in a few hours.”
David’s words reminded me I needed to set the fever medicine out. I hated having to look for it in the middle of the night.
“Let me first get her medicine. I’ll go have a shower afterward.”
I ran into the kitchen, eager to find the right bottle and go to bed. My body ached from the lack of sleep.
“Oh, man!” I cut off the curse on the tip of my tongue.
“What?”
David ran into the kitchen, worry etched into his face.
“I forgot.” I slapped my forehead. “I used the last of it earlier and forgot to swing by the store. I need to go, now.”
“How about I go? You’ve been running on hardly any sleep for days. It’s okay to forget something.”
His words were the truth, but it was nice to hear him acknowledge it. Most days I did a good enough job, but when Emma got sick, it was overwhelming.
“I’ll only be gone fifteen, twenty minutes, tops,” he offered.
I truly appreciated him making the effort to do this for me. He must’ve been tired from driving all day.
“Thanks, David. You are the best!” I leaned over to kiss him as he collected his wallet and keys.
“Jane.” He looked at me longingly, with a half-smile. “How did I ever get so lucky?”
He wrapped his arms around me and returned my kiss with a bit more passion than I expected. The heat started to warm my insides, and I felt myself get lost in the moment. This was the man I fell in love with eight years ago, the man that made my heart beat wilder with a simple touch. Before we could truly lose ourselves in this delicious moment, David pulled back slightly. I held on longer and kissed him once more longingly.
“You better hurry up, Mr. Hartford, if you want to get lucky tonight,” I teased.
“You are incorrigible, Mrs. Hartford!” David chuckled and headed out the door.
I checked my cell. It had been over an hour since David left. I was really worried. I tried his cell phone several times already, but I kept getting his voice mail. He shouldn’t have been gone for longer than twenty minutes, but it was one hour and three minutes now. I gave Emma a lukewarm bath when she woke up running a temperature, and she was sleeping in her bed now. I didn’t know how long that would last. I was starting to freak out, when suddenly the doorbell rang. I felt that sense of dread form a tight knot in the pit of my stomach.
“Good evening. Are you Mrs. Hartford?” Two police officers were on my front porch. The worry I felt intensified. At nine in the evening, this was definitely not a social call.
“Ma’am, are you the wife of David Hartford?” the younger officer asked me. I felt my knees go weak.
I held on to the doorpost to steady myself for the inevitable blow that was sure to follow, waiting to collect myself before choking out, “I am.”
Before I knew exactly what was going on, the two officers guided me inside and gave me a look. A look that reminded me of the one people gave at my granddaddy’s funeral when they came to offer their condolences to Nana. I was nine at the time, but I never forgot that feeling and the look in their eyes when they hugged Nana or patted her hand as they came to her house after the funeral. That same look of sympathy was written all over their faces.
“Ma’am, your husband was in an accident tonight. From what we can determine from our initial investigation, the other driver ran a red light and ran into your husband,” the older of the two officers explained.
“But he’s going to be all right, isn’t he?” I managed to choke out. Logically, I knew if he were all right, I would be with him, not sitting with these officers. The older officer looked to the younger one. Something seemed to pass between them.
“I’m sorry, ma’am. By the time the paramedics made it to the scene, it was too late. Your husband was pronounced dead earlier this evening.” The older officer said it as kindly as he could, but I heard myself let out a cry. Tears blurred my vision. It was a small mercy to be sitting. I felt my whole world start to spin. I kept thinking this couldn’t be happening.
“David can’t be dead.” He was here a little over an hour ago. His bags from his business trip still sat there, unpacked. I glanced in the direction of where he was seated before he left and noticed his glass of water still sitting there, dripping condensation, forming a ring on the table. That would probably leave a mark. I didn’t know why I noticed that detail, especially in light of the news I’d just received.
“Ma’am, did you hear me?” the older officer asked. I blinked, trying to clear my vision and focus, but the tears continued flowing, and I kept on repeating over and over that this couldn’t be happening.
The officers looked at each other and waited for me to do something more than unintelligibly mumble and cry. Once they realized that wasn’t going to happen, the younger of the two took charge. “Ma’am, is there someone we can call for you? You shouldn’t be alone at a time like this.”
“I’m not,” I croaked. “Emma, oh my gosh, Emma,” I sobbed.
It hit me that Emma was going to wake up at some point tonight, or tomorrow, and David wouldn’t be here. My baby girl didn’t have a daddy anymore. What was I
going to do? That knot of pain I’d felt since the doorbell rang started to twist so tight I thought it might rip me to shreds. How was I going to do this? What would I tell my baby?
“Ma’am, can we call anyone for you?” the officer asked again.
“My parents.” I indicated to my cell phone lying on the kitchen counter. After mumbling my passcode to unlock the device, they located the number. Moments later, I heard the officer on the phone.
“Can we get you anything else while we are here, ma’am?” the younger one questioned.
I wanted to scream for them to get me my husband, to tell me this was all one big, bad joke, but I couldn’t form a coherent sentence and stared at them without saying anything. The tears kept pooling in my eyes. I blinked them away to keep my vision from blurring.
Mom and Dad lived two blocks down, so they were here in a matter of minutes. I heard them walk in, and I was engulfed in my father’s strong arms. I felt myself crumple in his embrace, and soon Mom’s arms were wrapped around me as well.
When my parents got me to calm down, I felt my daddy let go and turn to the officers. I heard him talk to them, but the words were all lost to me. It was as if I were underwater and could hear the sounds but couldn’t make out the actual words.
As the officers turned to leave, the older one looked up at me one last time and with real feeling said, “I’m so sorry, ma’am.”
With that they left, my mom closing the door behind them.
The rest of the night was a blur, as were the next couple of weeks. The investigation into David’s death was a pretty cut and dry case of a young kid running a red light. I remembered we had a funeral soon after his body was released, but the actual service was a blank. Looking back on that day, I felt empty. I survived on absolute necessity for Emma. She had lost one parent; I couldn’t let her lose another one.
My parents were there to pick me up and get me on track. They allowed me about three weeks of wallowing after the funeral, and then my mom marched in my room one day with a purpose. She pulled the curtains open and sat on my bed.
In a gentle but firm voice, she said, “You need to stop this right now and join the living, sweetie. I know it’s hard, and that it hurts, but you have Emma to think about, and you need to pull yourself together.”
I couldn’t remember my reply, but I didn’t have very many kind thoughts buzzing around my mind. She gave me a few moments to digest her message before she dragged me out of bed and hauled me into the shower. My mom may be a little lady, but when she has made up her mind, you do not mess with her.
There I stood in the shower, fully dressed, thinking about all the wallowing I’d given into over the last three and a half weeks, and I felt bad. Bad for the loss I suffered, bad for the fact that I so easily lost myself in grief, and guilty. Guilty I asked David to go out. If I had been driving, he would still be alive. He wouldn’t have died, Emma wouldn’t be fatherless. I hated myself for being the cause of that. And I felt guilty for neglecting my baby. Mom was right! I needed to pull myself together and be there for Emma. I needed to be her mom again. I let the spray of the water wash over me, and I vowed to not lose myself again. I couldn’t do that to Emma, and I couldn’t do that to myself.
Present Day
Stargazing – Kygo
JACKSON
A little over three weeks had passed since that night. The night Jane told me she didn’t think she could be all in our relationship. Three weeks of sleepless nights, trying to avoid her, yet longing to see her. Absolute hell.
After Ainsley and Leah, I promised myself I would never search for answers and comfort at the bottom of a bottle. That I’d never throw my life away like that. Never again.
Working at the school, running into her, seeing her from afar, the thought did cross my mind. But ultimately, I knew it wouldn’t solve a thing.
Yesterday was the last of the work at the school. The south wing was done. Today an opening ceremony was planned, and Sarah was giving a speech. As the architect of the extension, I was expected to make an appearance. I felt like skipping it. Jane would be there, and that whippet would be skulking around her, no doubt tuned in to her single status.
I picked up my phone and texted Sarah.
Jackson: I don’t think I can make it today.
Sarah: Sure you can. This is your thing, too. No excuses.
Jackson: This is the school’s thing, not mine.
Sarah: No excuses. I’ll see you at ten.
I guess I was going to the opening ceremony at ten.
“Welcome, everyone. We’re gathered here today for a very special celebration. It is the moment in which we declare Bellebrook High’s south wing officially open.” Harry Stevenson, the principal of Bellebrook High School, announced through the microphone.
My eyes weren’t turned to the stage, but instead scanned the new building. It came out as I imagined it, maybe even better. The harmony between the glass ceiling allowing maximal light to illuminate the structure during the day, the steel structure giving the place a very contemporary feel, and the fresh, vibrant colors made the whole place come together.
As I took note of all the things I liked about the design, I caught a flash of brown hair and shifted my gaze back. Seated a few rows in front of where I was standing in the back was Jane. Next to her I caught a shimmer of blonde curls bouncing up and down, and my heart leapt. Emma’s fidgeting continued. She was obviously bored with the principal’s droning. I couldn’t blame Emma. I was bored stiff with the whole ceremony, and I was an adult.
Emma shifted in her seat and caught my eye, awarding me a huge smile. My heart thudded, wanting to reach out to her, unsure of what to do. When she called out to me, I nearly lost it. Jane hushed her, turning her in her seat, her eye catching mine as she got Emma settled.
Finally the ceremony finished, and people got up to have a look at the new extension. The perfect moment for me to leave. I’d showed up; Sarah couldn’t complain. Before I could make my way over to the exit, my loving sister swooped in to introduce me to a bunch of people I forgot before the introductions were even completed.
“Jackson!” Emma came rushing toward me. I instinctively dropped to her level, ready to catch her as she jumped in my arms. How I’d missed my princess. She squeezed me as hard as her arms allowed. “I’ve missed you,” her voice broke as she whispered in my ear, nearly knocking me down. If only she knew how much I’d missed her.
“Jackson,” Jane greeted, following Emma, looking as beautiful as ever. I stood up, the little monkey still wrapped around my neck, not letting go anytime soon.
“You’re looking good,” I returned, not allowing for much more.
“Thank you,” she replied stiffly. I hated the barrier between us, the barrier she put in place to keep me away.
“They set out some refreshments.” The jerk walked up behind Jane, a smile on his face. I was more than willing to wipe it off, right here, right now. “I thought Emma might like a snack?” He turned to Jane.
“Great idea.” Jane’s relief was evident in the exhale of her held breath. “Let’s go and get a treat, Em.”
She coaxed Emma out of my arms, uncomfortable with the current setup.
“I don’t want a treat.” Emma huffed. And for good measure, she added, “I want to stay with Jackson.”
I understood. I wanted her to stay with me, too. Noting the tense set of Jane’s jaw, I decided to help her along.
“You better go along with your mom.” I tried to pry her arms off of me, but she latched on stronger.
“I don’t want to.” Her voice rose. People started to notice, and Jane’s unease increased.
“Hey, princess.” I turned her face to mine, our eyes the same level. “You need to go with your mom.” Seeing her start to protest, I cut her off. “No, princess, you have to. I don’t want you to go, but you have to listen to your mom.”
I wanted to promise her we would hang out, spend time together, catch up on all we missed, watch those blasted magic
movies, but those weren’t my promises to make.
“Okay.” She gave in. The pit in my stomach sank even deeper. Before letting go, she snuggled in real close and whispered, “Love you.”
I swallowed the emotion and replied, “Love you, too, Em. Don’t forget.”
I let her go. She took Jane’s hand and turned in the direction of the refreshment stand. Graham moved to follow Jane, and I knew that was my cue to hit the road. Fast.
JANE
“What’s for dinner?” I walked inside my parents’ home, glad to have the long day behind me. Today was a boring and nerve-wracking day.
After calling things off with Jackson, I’d gotten good at avoiding him. I stayed away from Sarah’s, steered clear of the south wing at school, and ate my lunch in my classroom. Basically, I’d turned into a hermit, and I hated it. I hated how I missed him, how I longed to see him, hold him. My body yearned to have his arms wrapped around me. I was pathetic. But I couldn’t rid myself of the guilt I felt toward David. I still resented myself for sending him out that night. Now I was letting Emma latch onto Jackson, replacing her real father. Was that even fair to David?
“How was the ceremony?” Mom’s cheery demeanor was in stark contrast to my dark mood.
“Fine,” I grumbled, already trying to forget the run-in with Jackson.
“We saw Jackson,” Emma’s lively voice piped up, tuning into the conversation.
“Did you now?” Mom went over to Emma and kissed her on the top of her head, her eyes trained on me instead.
“Why don’t you go and find Pops and see what trouble he’s gotten into, will you? He’s been too quiet for too long.”
Emma’s grin grew wide as she skipped off in search of my dad.
“You saw Jackson today?” Mom reached into the fridge and pulled out the ingredients for the salad.
“We did,” I admitted, ignoring the way my heart lurched, thinking of the pain in his eyes. That same pain I saw the last time he was at my place more than three weeks ago.
The Songs of You and Me Page 21
