“How did it go?” Mom pushed, slicing into the lettuce.
“Fine, really. We’re adults. We know how to act like it around each other.”
“I’m sure you do,” Mom said under her breath. I was so sick of this situation. I was trying to be an adult, act like the sensible one, make a good decision here; I could use her support. She had no idea how hard it was for me to keep David’s memory alive for Emma. Replacing him with Jackson wasn’t helping Emma remember her dad. I carried enough of pain and guilt already.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I snapped, the long day and run-in with Jackson catching up to me.
“Honey.” Mom set the knife aside and faced me. “You’re shutting Jackson out.”
“I’m not,” I corrected. But Mom held up her hand to stop me.
“I’m not done. And I need you to hear this. When you lost David, you didn’t get to choose. You were dealt a horrible hand. I know you still blame yourself for what happened, but it was an accident. You have to let that go. He left the best of him behind in that precious girl.” Mom turned her head in the direction Emma ran off to. “And you picked yourself up and moved forward as best as you could. Now, for whatever reason, you were offered this amazing chance in life with a wonderful guy, one who loves you, who loves your baby with all his heart, and you throw that away.”
“I didn’t throw it away.”
“I’m not finished. Stop interrupting me. Last time, you didn’t get the choice. Now you’re making the choice to be alone, for what? So you can prove to yourself that you loved David? So you can keep the memory of your dead husband alive? Honey.” Mom walked over to me and clasped my face in her hands. “We all know you loved him. David knew it. Jackson knows it. He’s not asking you to replace David. He’s asking you to make room for him, too. And Emma.”
“What about Emma?” I snapped, forgetting myself and interrupting her again.
She let it slide. “Emma knows you loved her dad. But what are you teaching her? That you can only love once? That you can never move past that? You are tarnishing that man’s memory by your behavior. Is this what you would want David to do if the roles were reversed? Would you want him to be miserable, just so you would know he loved you? Would you?” She waited for me to answer, but I couldn’t.
“I have stood by and let you get on with life all this time, but I can’t stand by and let you do this. Not without speaking my mind. You need to let David go and grab onto Jackson with both hands, before it’s too late and you lose him, too.”
Her words washed over me. The thought of losing Jackson, of truly never having him in my life ever again, made every fiber in my body ache. Maybe even worse than it did with David, because I knew what rampage it left behind. I couldn’t lose like that again, and I didn’t want to let him go. I loved Jackson. I really loved him, and I couldn’t believe I needed a scolding from my mom to admit to myself how much I truly adored that man.
But before I could share this amazing revelation with him, I needed to set things right. I needed to go and talk to someone first.
Present Day
Love – Jana Kramer
JANE
I drove down the familiar road, the weight of what I came to do settled in the pit of my stomach. I stared at the tall sycamore trees as I turned into the lot and put the car in park. Getting out wasn’t easy, but I took the time I needed.
I walked the path leading up to my destination and felt the leaves crunch under my shoes. All the beautiful hues of the fall season were lost on me.
“I guess it’s time we had a talk.” I dropped down on my knees and wiped the stray leaves away from the headstone. The melancholy feeling that washed over me each time I came here was distinct. I rubbed my arms, fighting off the cold and postponing the hard words I came here to say.
“How did we ever get here?” I wiped away the first tear that fell, choking back the emotion that threatened to break free. I needed to get this off my chest. It was time. I hoped I wasn’t too late.
“Remember that first hot chocolate? How we talked for hours? How you walked me to my dorm in the rain? I knew I loved you that day.” I let the memories come, not holding them back like I usually did.
“I was so excited for that first date. You were so perfect. I soon learned that wasn’t true,” I teased. How I missed teasing this man.
“Oh, David. You were a perfect husband.” I closed my eyes and remembered his lips on mine, his scent, the way his face sparkled when he smiled. “You had your flaws, for sure. I hated how you never found anything even when it was always in its usual place. It drove me insane.” I chuckled. “And when you cut your nails and forgot to clean up the mess, that was awful.” I laughed, remembering the sink littered with his fingernail clippings. “I guess you weren’t perfect.”
I wiped another stray tear, reminiscing how we used to joke and tease each other.
“I’m kidding. You were my dream come true. You might have spoiled me for the future,” I said, an image of Jackson filling my mind.
“That being said,” I started, finding it hard to say the words, knowing he wasn’t physically here, but knowing this was the only place I had left to come to.
“I met a man. Well, I guess that isn’t really true.”
This was tougher than I imagined. “I’ve known Jackson since I was five, and I fell in love with him ten years later. He was my high school crush. The one I forgot about in New York, when I met you. But the one who seems to have put me back together again now. I love him, David.” I cried. “I really love him. My heart feels full again. And when I’m with him, everything feels right. You know what I mean.”
I imagined Jackson’s face, the way his lips curved when he saw me, the bright blue of his eyes, his antics with Emma, some of the many things I missed with a vengeance.
“You should see him with Emma. She loves him. And he loves her, he really does. The kind of love that would catch a bullet for her. It’s intense.” My heart ached thinking of how he almost had to remove her off of him earlier today, how her face fell when I forced him away, again.
“What I’m trying to say is this.” I swallowed hard, knowing this was good-bye. And I’d said good-bye to him once. This time was different, though. I hoped this time someone was waiting for me at the end, someone that would love me, cherish me, and keep me close. Because I planned on doing that. I planned on grabbing on to Jackson and never letting go again. I was an idiot, but no more. No more wasted time, no more throwing away what was here. I was doing this.
“It’s time for me to say farewell, David. I loved you. I’ll always love you. But now it’s time to let you go. I can’t be happy if I don’t, not really. I hope you understand.”
I got up and wiped my tears away. I knew what I had to do. That didn’t make it any easier. I felt the pain and the hope inside. Both present, but finally one had won. Because I decided to let the other go. The time was here to set my pain free. I dropped a kiss to his headstone. I read the words engraved on the granite one last time. David Hartford, Beloved Husband and Father. I felt the sting of good-bye but knew it was the right choice.
I turned to what I hoped was my future.
Present Day
Quicksand – Tom Chaplin
JANE
The last time I stood on Jackson’s porch, everything came tumbling down. Or so it appeared. I hoped when I rang the bell now I could fix all I’d screwed up. I didn’t think I could bear it if I was too late.
I rang the bell and waited. It was late, the temperature cooler now that the sun was down. I hoped he let me in.
“Jane!” Jackson’s voice rose in shock. “What are you doing here?” Not quite the welcome I hoped for, but after the way I’d brushed him off earlier, I was lucky he didn’t slam the door in my face.
“I wanted to talk to you.” My teeth clattered in the cold. “Do you mind if I come in?”
“Sure.” He opened the door, uncertainty written on his face.
“You want someth
ing to drink?” He walked to the kitchen, not looking at me.
“I’m fine.” I stopped at the edge of the room, unsure what to say. I wanted to pour it all out. Share all I’d shared with David. I needed to beg for his forgiveness, tell him how stupid I was. I longed to know if I still stood a chance.
“What can I do for you?” He folded his arms and leaned on the counter, studying me.
My heart beat double time. My tongue felt thick, unable to say the words.
And then I studied Jackson. I looked at him long and hard. His strong jawline that I loved running my fingers along. Those blue eyes that changed color depending on the mood he was in.
Right now they were a stormy midnight blue as he scrutinized my awkward fumbling. I let my gaze travel over his strong arms and felt my heart ache as I yearned to have them wrapped around me. My eyes landed on his firm chest, and I remembered the strong, steady beat of his heart when my head rested upon him.
Then I thought of all Jackson ever meant to me. The person he always was, the friendship we shared back when we were kids. The friend he was to me now. Honestly, he was much more. I thought after losing David that Emma was my entire universe. I was wrong. Jackson had moved in and claimed a spot right next to her.
“You told me to come find you,” I muttered. How did I explain all I was feeling, with mere words? And words were probably not enough. Jackson needed me to prove it to him.
“You told me to find you when I was ready.”
I remembered his pained expression when he turned his back and left, when I pushed him away. “I’m more than ready, Jacks.” I waited, unsure how he would respond.
“Okay,” he replied, not giving me more to go on. The only change was his arms unfolding, loosening his stance. I guess that was good body language, him opening up to me?
“I went to see David today.” Maybe if I explained it all, I could make him understand that I said good-bye and closed that door. I was ready and willing to take the plunge. Nothing was holding me back. His brow furrowed, his jaw clenched at the mention of my dead husband’s name.
“I realized I was wrong.” I took a step toward him. He stayed rooted. I decided to take that as a good sign.
“I’ve been wrong about a lot of things.” I moved closer again. He watched me, not moving from his spot.
“But the biggest mistake I made was pulling back from you.” I took the final step, my feet touching his, tilting my head back, and staring up into his blue eyes. “I was afraid, Jacks.”
He closed his eyelids and swallowed hard. I reached out and put my hand on his cheek. He pressed into my touch. His eyes opened up and dipped down to my lips.
Without waiting for him to make the first move, I pressed myself to him, a hundred thousand fireworks exploding as we met.
For too long, I’d held back, expecting him to lay all of his heart out there for me, without putting as much in. I was done holding back. No one knew how long we had here. I, of all people, knew that. I learned that lesson the hard way. I didn’t want to make the same mistake again. His lips pushed and pulled on mine, in a familiar dance I’d craved these weeks apart. My mouth opened up to him, needing to feel even closer to him.
“I‘ve missed you,” he said, pulling back and cradling my face in his strong hands. His forehead rested on mine, his breath washing over me.
“I’m all in, Jackson. All in.” Nothing was holding me back this time.
JACKSON
After Jane came pounding on my door, I was riding a high.
“I could get used to this.” I kissed Jane.
We’d enjoyed another night of staying in, curled up on the sofa with Emma.
“So could I.” Jane leaned in and returned my kiss with more enthusiasm, not at all put off by Emma’s giggling in the background. I pulled back, nudging the kid in the side. Jane smiled and tucked herself tighter in my arms. It was like the weight that was there had disappeared.
“I better get going.” I got up and made my way to the door. Jane laced her fingers in mine and followed me.
“I think that’s a good idea.” Jane playfully wrapped her arms around my neck. She stood up on her toes and dropped another hot kiss on my lips. “I don’t know if I could keep my hands off of you if you stayed any longer.” Her voice sounded breathless as she loosened her grip.
“You should be careful what you joke about.” I drew her back in for another kiss, savoring the feel of her pressed against me. Before, I would get glimpses of the carefree, happy Jane I fell in love with back as a kid. Now it seemed that version of her was constantly there, eager to stay.
I squeezed her hand and felt my belly flop. I enjoyed the feel of my skin against her bare skin, but I didn’t bring it up. I lifted her hand up to my lips and kissed it, needing to see again to be sure. The rings were missing.
It took me about a week before I had the courage to ask. “Jane.” I tried to get her to open up. “It’s okay if you still feel weird about it. He was your husband.”
“Shhh.” She pressed her finger to my lips, silencing me. “I’m fine,” she insisted. “It’s time to move on.” Her face shone bright. “More than time.”
And she silenced me completely with her lips.
Honestly, it felt like a weight lifted for me, too. No more living in the shadow of another man. I knew she would always love him. But now was our time. And I planned on making it official. But I needed to talk to someone first.
“You going to be okay?” Jane asked, her gaze returning to Emma on the sofa.
“Are you kidding me? We have to finish this. And tonight is the night.”
“Oh, yeah!” Emma yelled from the sofa, a bowl of popcorn in her lap.
“Be careful with her, will you? As much as she thinks she’s old enough for these movies because we have read the books, you need to cover her eyes for the scary bits, okay?” Jane warned me.
“Hey, we made it all the way to seven. I’ve got this down.” I shooed her to the front door, eager to get back to my movie night with the kid.
“Love you, Em,” Jane called out over my shoulder.
“Yeah, yeah.” she called back. “Hurry up, Jacks!” I loved how she’d started calling me that. It tied her to me even more. I hoped she would be calling me something else soon enough, but that was all up to Jane.
“All right already.” Jane gave me a quick kiss before slipping her coat on. “I’ll be back soon.” She put her hat and gloves on.
“You stay out as long as you want. We’ll have a blast. It might be one of the last times you and Sarah can catch a movie before my little niece or nephew is born.”
The door closed, and I felt the nervous flutter return. Showtime!
“Em.” I dropped down on the sofa. “You know I love your mom, right?” I started.
“Uh huh!” She was antsy to start the movie.
“Hey, princess.” I caught her attention. “This is important. I need you to listen.” Having her eyes fixed on me, I began again. “So I love your mom.”
“Duh, you kiss her like all the time.” The kid rolled her eyes.
“You know I love you, right?” I prodded. I was sure she knew how I felt about her, but I needed to be certain.
“Yes.” She flung her arms around me. “I love you, too.”
“So how would you feel about me marrying your mom?” I held her at arm’s length, holding my breath. I was sure Jane was on the same page as me, but I needed Emma to be sure about this. Me marrying her mom would mean us living together, maybe in a new place. I hadn’t thought it all through yet. But I knew without a doubt this was what I wanted.
Emma’s eyes grew big, and she squealed, wrapping me up in a tight hug. “Are you going to be my daddy?”
“Your daddy in heaven will always be your daddy, but I will be your Jackson.” I was hoping to revisit this conversation with Jane later, after I proposed. I wanted to be sure Emma was on board.
“You’re okay if I ask your mom to marry me?” I asked again.
&nbs
p; “Fo’ sure!” She shrieked, throwing herself into my arms again and hugging me tight. “I can’t wait.” I squeezed her back, swallowing the emotion I felt.
“Remember when we made that pinkie promise?” I ran a hand through my hair.
“Yeah.” She scrunched up her cute face.
“We’re going to need another one of those. We can’t tell Mommy yet.”
“Okay, what are we waiting for?” She was lost.
“Well,” I started, “we need to talk to Pops first.”
“Oh.” She seemed relieved. “That’s easy.”
“Great.” I exclaimed. “Then you can come with me and win your Pops over.”
One Year Later
False Alarm – Matoma , Becky Hill
JANE
“Can I have this dance, please, Mrs. Wright?” Jackson pulled me close and led me to the dance floor of the school gym. Once again, I got suckered into chaperoning the homecoming dance. Jackson was sweet enough to accompany me. As his arms folded around me and pulled me close, I smiled at the bump that was starting to form a barrier between us.
Jackson had proposed to me last Christmas, after having clued everyone in except me. It was a romantic proposal with the ring wrapped up as my present, him going down on one knee in front of the whole family and offering me a lifetime with him. It was an emotional moment; even my mom and Sarah shed a tear or two.
After a short engagement, we got married in April during spring break. We honeymooned in Jamaica for a week after, just the two of us. It was a wonderful vacation, our days spent lounging on the white beaches, soaking up the sun and enjoying the downtime. Our nights were filled with a newfound passion, exploring each other in ways we’d held off on until then.
When we returned, Jackson moved into the home I shared with Emma. But we planned to extend our home, as our little family would be growing with a new addition in February. We were over the moon, and Jackson stopped stressing now that I’d hit the five month mark.
The Songs of You and Me Page 22
