by JM Stewart
She tried to drag in a calming breath, but the memory pressed to her chest like a heavy boulder. No matter how much she tried to tell herself she’d done nothing wrong, guilt and regret rose over her like a suffocating shroud. It snarled in her head, telling her she should’ve been able to stop Matt. That she should never have trusted him. Even now, in Grayson’s arms, the terror that held her captive every time she’d tried to have sex over the last four years was present, beating behind her breastbone.
Only this time, she’d gone through with it. Grayson had made her yearn, had made her forget everything but him. And she wasn’t even sure she could trust him. Hadn’t he lied to her? Again?
Desperate to be anywhere but here with the awful memories, with the sweet lure of Grayson, she pushed against his chest. “Let me go.”
What she needed was to clean herself up and go find Hannah. Hannah would talk her out of the hell spiraling in her head, would talk her down from the proverbial ledge.
Except Grayson lifted his head and those dark eyes filled with tenderness, searching her face in confusion. She wanted to melt into him, to feel his arms close around her and somehow make this all better. In his arms, she’d always felt safe.
As if to torment her further, he lifted a hand, stroking her cheek. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
Hot tears pricked her eyes and a sob rose in her throat, but she swallowed it down and glared at him, shoving hard this time against his chest. This was a mistake. This was a terrible mistake. She should never have let herself get caught up in him again. She should’ve been stronger. “I said let me go.”
He backed away and held up his hands, but the awful concern didn’t leave his eyes. “Okay. I’m off. Maddie, tell me what’s wrong.”
As she slid from the counter and adjusted her panties into place, the warmth of his come began to leak out, making her inner thighs slippery and soaking the fabric of her panties. She hadn’t even considered asking him to use a condom. All she’d cared about was his cock, buried inside of her. Four years. Four years had passed since her rape, and she’d never once let her guard down, had never let herself get so caught up in a man she forgot important things like time and place, let alone condoms.
She tugged her dress in place, but refused to meet his gaze. “You need to leave before someone catches us in here together. God, what a fiasco that will cause.”
She could already see the stares they’d get, hear the whispers…
Grayson darted a glance at her as he zipped his pants. “Not until you talk to me. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
Her dress back in its proper place, she headed for the nearest stall. “I need to clean up.”
Grayson stepped in her direction. “Maddie, whatever it is—”
She ripped open a stall door and jerked her head in his direction. “I have to pee. Or would you care to watch?”
She regretted the harsh words as soon as they left her mouth. God, she sounded like a bitch and that wasn’t her, but if she gave him an inch he’d take it. If she knew him at all, he’d gather her in his arms, against that big, glorious chest, and if he did that, she’d crumble. She’d become a giant, sobbing mess and the last thing she needed was to fall apart in front of him.
He stopped halfway to her, shock flitting across his face. Just as suddenly, the expression was gone, taking the tender concern with it. The hurt flaring in his eyes clenched at her chest.
A breath later, his brow furrowed in irritation. He dragged a hand through his hair and pivoted, pacing several steps away from her. “Fuck!”
He strode for the door and turned the lock, but paused as his hand curled around the handle then turned to glare at her.
“This isn’t over, Maddie. I don’t know what happened or why you’re so mad. You were as much a part of this as I was, so don’t even try to tell me I took advantage of you. We will straighten this out if I have to lock us in another room together to do it.” He jabbed a pointed finger in her direction. “You might be stubborn, but you’ve met your match, sweetheart. I can be damned determined when I want to be. You owe me a date. Saturday. Six o’clock. No excuses.”
He was gone moments later with a soft swish of the door, leaving her alone in the aftermath.
Several minutes later, she had herself cleaned up as best she could with what she had, but hadn’t managed to force herself to go back inside the ballroom. Instead, she paced the hallway, trying to calm down, too many thoughts whirling in her head. Grayson’s scent had embedded itself in her skin it seemed, because every time she drew a breath she smelled sex and him. It did nothing but put her right back there—the moment of total union. Clinging to his shoulders, her body straining against his. Despite her best intentions to stave it off, a heady shiver ran the length of her spine. She hadn’t expected having sex with him to be so intense.
She sagged back against the wall with a sigh, regret tightening her chest. She’d flipped out on him. Over the last three years, she’d thought of all the things she’d say to him when she saw him again, but when she finally had him in her sights she’d fucked him then completely overreacted. Her words to him had been harsh and she’d treated him terribly. He was right. She’d been more than a willing participant. But her harsh words had neatly severed any ties they’d formed in those few, desperate moments of connection.
And they had formed a connection. He’d held her too tightly. Her body had curled against his as if it belonged there. The way he made her feel scared the living crap out of her. After college, she’d been bound and determined never to need or trust any man. No, what she’d wanted when she agreed to this date was something a whole lot simpler—sex. Carefree. Fun. Glorious. The way it used to be. She wanted herself back. Anything with Grayson was destined to be all kinds of complicated.
She could deny it all she wanted, but she still needed him, the way she always had.
Twenty feet or so down the hallway Hannah emerged from the ballroom, her head turning as if in search. As her gaze landed on Maddie, she pivoted and strode in her direction.
At the sight of Hannah, the waterworks rushed up on her, pricking behind her eyelids, a combination of relief and overwhelming emotions she didn’t know how to begin to unravel.
Hannah furrowed her brow, eyes searching. “I just saw Grayson. He looks like he wants to rip somebody’s head off. You look like you’re two steps from coming apart at the seams. Are you okay? I assume it didn’t go well.”
“I slept with him. Fucked him. Whatever you want to call it, we did it. In the bathroom.” Maddie flung a hand in the direction of the restroom entrance.
“Was it awful?”
Maddie shook her head. “Just the opposite. It was hot and hard and completely glorious. He kissed me, the bastard, then we were shoving clothing out of the way. When it ended, all I saw was that awful night in college. Waking up the next morning and all the guilt and the shame I felt…”
Hannah took her hand, squeezing her fingers. “What happened wasn’t your fault, Madds. I know you know this, but it seems to me you could use a reminder.” Hannah smiled suddenly and winked, although the playfulness of the sentiment didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Besides. Sex in a public bathroom can be awesome. Cade and I have done it, actually.”
Maddie couldn’t stop her brows from rising straight up into her hairline. “You’re kidding me.”
Hannah flushed and glanced at the floor, nudging the carpeting with the toe of her shoe before meeting Maddie’s gaze again. “You recall the first time you met Cade? He came to the shop and took me to lunch?”
She remembered. Hannah had returned with a grin so wide Maddie had instinctively known lunch had been each other.
“We didn’t even use a condom, Han. The thought never even entered my mind.” Edgy and restless, she pushed away from the wall, pivoted and paced the hallway. Several feet later, the emotion she’d been trying to contain crashed down around her. Her shoulders slumped as she gave in to it. Hannah was right. She had to face this.
She wrapped her arms around herself. “That’s the other major reason I freaked out. I didn’t even think. At least, not about anything but getting close to him. He kissed me, and I just…reacted. I’ve never done that with anybody else. Not since the rape. It scares the crap out of me, to lose control like that.”
Hannah touched her shoulder. “I know you’re angry with me, and you have every right to be, but…”
“I’m not angry with you. I know you, and I know Christina. I want to be mad. I ought to be.” She glanced over her shoulder at Hannah, who at least had the decency to blush. “But I can’t. Your hearts were in the right place. You’re right. I was miserable, because I wasn’t dealing with this. I just didn’t expect seeing him again to be so…”
The right words failed her. Seeing Grayson again had brought back everything she’d tried to forget. The last three years without him had been empty, and staring at him as he stood over her in the bathroom, she’d come to a stark realization. She wasn’t moving on with her life because her heart still had its hopes set on him. She couldn’t ignore that he’d clearly missed her. She loathed that he’d lied to her again, but she couldn’t deny that he’d gone through a heck of a lot of trouble simply to talk to her. To spend time with her.
Because he couldn’t forget her either.
She shook her head. “I always assumed when he stopped calling three years ago that he’d gotten over me and moved on with his life. To see the hurt in his eyes…”
A shiver of remembrance skittered down her spine.
“Then you need to see this through, Madds. Wherever it leads you. Love is complicated and it’s messy and yeah, sometimes it hurts, but if you don’t take that chance, you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering.”
Maddie let out a watery laugh. “Please don’t tell me, ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’”
“It’s a cliché, I know, but it’s true.” Hannah laughed and slung an arm around her shoulders, giving her a squeeze and resting her head against Maddie’s. “So, what are you going to do now?”
Maddie sighed. She knew exactly what she had to do. It wouldn’t be easy. “I’m going to have to apologize to him.”
Hannah nudged her with a shoulder. “Go find him. He’s here somewhere.”
Maddie adamantly shook her head. The thought of having that conversation with Grayson made her nauseated. She couldn’t face him now. Her emotions were too raw, too on the surface.
“No. I need time to pull myself together. To stop shaking. God, I can still smell him. You’re right. He and I need to talk, and I need to apologize for flipping out on him, but I’m going to have to explain why, and I’m not ready to do it yet. And if I find him now, he’s going to do something mulish. I just don’t trust myself around him tonight. Tomorrow, after I’ve had a good night’s sleep and a healthy dose of caffeine, then I’ll face him.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “I think I just want to go home. Will you give my apologies to Christina?”
Hannah nodded. “Of course.”
* * *
Cassie plopped unceremoniously onto the couch beside him and nudged his shoulder. “How’d it go?”
Grayson groaned and shook his head. It was half past eleven. He’d gotten home from the auction a half an hour ago and she’d called. Four hours had passed since he’d left Maddie in that hotel bathroom, and his nerves were still raw. At hearing how upset he was, Cassie had insisted on coming over.
He knew they’d have this conversation eventually, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to dissect the night yet. The regret was crushing him. This hadn’t gone at all the way he’d hoped or planned. “Depends on how you look at it.”
Beside him, Cassie studied him, then pursed her lips. “She’s pissed.”
Grayson dropped his head onto the back of the couch and closed his eyes, exhausted by the topic.
“Oh, you could say that.” He opened one eye and pointed a stern finger at her. “And if you say ‘I told you so,’ I’m kicking you out.”
She laid her hand on his, where it rested on the couch beside him. “I don’t take pleasure in you being hurt, Gray. Come on. Spill it. You look like someone ran over your dog. What happened?”
“I fucked her.” Because calling it making love would be an insult to Maddie. He hadn’t made love to her. He’d fucked her on the goddamn bathroom sink. The sad part was, he couldn’t blame her for being angry, but he wasn’t sorry for what he’d done.
Christ. The memories of her soft body wrapped around him refused to leave his thoughts. Her soft cry, her heat gripping him tight as she spasmed around him. The problem was he’d known for a long time now that if he ever made love to her, he’d have to take it slow or he’d end up with this exact result. One look at the panic on her face before he’d left the bathroom had given him a pretty good idea where her mind had gone. The past. Her immediate need to push him out afterward had all but confirmed it.
If he had to guess, he’d likely triggered something for her. He’d suffered flashbacks for years after he’d come to live with Arthur. Hell, hadn’t she told him once that someone had hurt her? Up until their encounter in the hotel bathroom a few hours ago, he’d always assumed she’d meant her heart. Clearly he’d been wrong.
Which made fucking her in a public place the exact wrong thing to do.
Cassie let out a quiet laugh, her voice trembling as she spoke. “Gray, that’s not exactly a bad thing.”
He waved a hand and closed his eyes again. “Oh, it wasn’t. It was fucking mind-blowing. Hot and hard and fast. Christ.”
Only with Cassie could he be this open. They’d been telling each other everything since high school, since he’d met her in English class.
“So, what’s the big deal?”
He blew out a heavy breath. “We did it on the damn countertop.”
She bumped his shoulder again. “You stud. That’s hot.”
Normally, her teasing didn’t bother him. This had him cringing. He didn’t want to know what she thought. “In the hotel bathroom.”
Cassie nudged his thigh with her hand this time. “I’ll be damned. I didn’t think you had it in you.”
He dragged a hand through his hair and opened his eyes, surging from the couch. “Not helping, Cassandra.”
“Sorry. You know me. I think sex in public is erotic as hell. I did it in the bathroom of the Il Terrazzo Ristorante once. That Italian restaurant downtown? I’ve also made it into the mile high club on a full flight to New York. Was hot as hell. The flight attendants didn’t like it, of course, and we got a few disapproving stares, but we got a few grins, too. More to the point, having sex in a place like that just tells me you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Which means things went pretty damn well. So why the long face?”
“Because Maddie doesn’t think that way. She flipped out on me afterwards and told me to get the fuck out. That wasn’t the way I’d planned my first time with her to be.”
“Ahh. Now we’re getting somewhere. You’re too much of a perfectionist, Gray, and way too hard on yourself. Sounds like something spooked her, and I’m willing to bet it’s because she liked it. She is pissed at you, and you did lie to her.”
Grayson shot a glare over his shoulder. “Out. If all you’re going to do is tell me I told you so, kindly let yourself out. I’m very aware how much I screwed this up. I don’t need you to point it out to me.”
Sympathy rose in her eyes. Cassie unfolded her legs and pushed off the sofa, coming to stand in front of him. She laid a hand against the center of his chest and peered at him. “I don’t think you screwed up. What I meant was, if she thinks you’ve lied to her twice now, then she’s likely thinking exactly that…that sex was all you wanted. Now, me? I’m okay with that. I don’t plan on falling in love again, and if a guy doesn’t want to stick around for round two, I’ll go find another stud who will. But you’re not me, and you’re in love with her. If you ask me, she cares enough about you that the thought of being noth
ing more than your next lay stung.”
Despite her best intentions, her words did little to soothe the wound. He had no damn idea how to fix this. The way he’d planned it, first time he made love to Maddie was supposed to bring them closer. Instead it had done nothing but widen the chasm between them, and he’d said all the wrong damn things.
“Mmm.” He turned his gaze to the front windows, staring out at the lights of the surrounding houses twinkling off the water. It was a beautiful evening—the sky dark, a few stars peeking out from between the cloud cover. The view usually soothed him. Tonight, all it did was echo how wrong it felt to be alone in his house. His heart said he ought to be with Maddie, curled around her while they slept. He ought to be able to wake her up in the morning and make love to her again before he fixed her breakfast. And staring into that inky sky, his heart filled with regrets.
Cassie hooked her arm around his waist and laid her head on his shoulder. “What you need to do is talk to her. I hope you don’t plan on giving up now?”
“No. I told her she owed me a date, then I told her I’d be at her place at six on Saturday.”
Cassie tsked in disapproval. “Honestly, Gray. You can be such a man sometimes.”
This had him grinning. This was a long-familiar conversation. Despite her tough-as-nails exterior, Cassie was all girl. She loved pink, had an obsession with high heels, and almost always wore skirts or dresses. In fact, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen her in a pair of jeans. To top it off, she had a romantic heart. Her favorite read was a good, sappy romance novel. More than a few times over the years, she’d accused him of beating his chest like a caveman.
He glanced over at her. “And this is a bad thing how?”
Cassie rolled her eyes. “You can’t beat her over the head and drag her off to your cave. Women like to be wooed. Spend time earning her trust. You were doing fine before the auction. Go over there tonight and for God’s sake, talk to her. From the heart. Tell her what you’re not telling me.”
