by JM Stewart
“That’s what Saturday’s date is going to be all about.” He released a heavy breath. “I’m going to have to tell her everything, Cass. I’m going to have to show her those scars.”
She was silent for a moment. Cassie knew the whole ugly story because he’d told her. He’d shown her the scars as well. To have to do the same thing with Maddie made him sick to his stomach.
“I know. And I know how you feel about them, but they don’t make you who you are. If she’s worth her salt, it won’t matter to her. But if you want her to get vulnerable, you’re going to have to go there with her. Which means showing her what I see.” She moved around behind him, laid her hands against his back, and pushed, steering him toward the front door. “But don’t wait. Saturday is an entire week away. Way too much time for her to gather her defenses. Go over there tonight.”
He shook his head and planted his feet halfway to the door. “It’s eleven o’clock at night.”
“So wake her up if you have to.” She peered around his shoulder, one dark brow arched in challenge. “Do you know what it tells a woman when you show up on her doorstep at eleven o’clock at night?”
Grayson let out a sardonic laugh. “That I’m desperate?”
“Exactly. It tells her you can’t stop thinking about her. That you have to be near her. Now. To the point that you run over there long past a decent hour. If things went that badly, then it’s especially important tonight.” She resumed her trek, pushing hard against his back and forcing him to walk or fall flat on his face. When they reached the small hallway that made up his foyer she released him, then moved around him and opened the door. “Go. Now. Heart on your sleeve. Women love that sort of thing. I know where you keep the spare key. I’ll lock up when I leave.”
He turned sideways and cocked a brow at her. “You don’t. Love that sort of thing, I mean.”
She let out a heavy sigh and waved a hand at him. “Actually, Gray, I’m a total sucker for it. Tyler had a penchant for doing stuff like that.” She rolled her eyes, but melancholy rose over her. “Lord, I fell hard for him, and I’ll never be able to tell him.”
This he couldn’t resist.
He grinned. “So the ice queen does have a heart.”
He knew she did, but teasing her about her kick-ass attitude usually lifted her spirits. Cassie’s soft side was what made her a good friend. It was how they’d originally met: He’d been the smart kid, a total geek and the new kid in school everybody whispered about, and Cassie had befriended him in spite of it. His first day, she’d taken the seat next to him and introduced herself. So while Cassie liked to play like she didn’t care, the truth was, she had a big heart. She was that person who often gave too much. She didn’t give her heart out often, because when she did, she gave all of it. The one guy to get past her defenses had died in combat in Afghanistan a year ago. Every day since, she’d hardened her heart.
Cassie glared at him, but her voice shook with restrained laughter. “Will you get out? Go. Now. Throw your miserable self on her mercy.”
He opened his mouth to argue, but stubborn, willful woman that she was, she planted her hands against his chest, pushed him out onto the deck, and closed the door in his face. Seconds later, her final word came in the soft thunk as the deadbolt slid home.
Grayson could only chuckle and shake his head. She’d better be right about this, because he was about to go make a fool of himself.
Chapter Eight
Yeah, yeah, I’m coming.” Maddie grumbled half to herself as she shuffled her way to the front door. It was a little past eleven. She’d been lying in bed staring at the darkened ceiling, too many thoughts running a loop in her head, when the doorbell intruded.
She was trying not to think about Grayson. Trying to leave tomorrow until she had to face it. At the very least, she owed him an apology. The hurt in his eyes had been palpable, and her conscience wouldn’t let her rest until she saw him.
She wasn’t getting very far in the sleep department despite knowing she had to be up by five tomorrow, to open the shop at seven. While waiting for her eyes to grow heavy, she’d talked herself out of going to see him at least a dozen times. Which meant she wasn’t in the mood for visitors now.
The doorbell rang for the second time as she came to a stop in front of the door.
“Okay, okay.” She grumbled again as she turned the deadbolt, but when she pulled the door open her feet froze in their spot on the linoleum flooring.
Grayson stood in the hallway, arms folded across his chest. He’d been staring at the floor but now lifted his head. His gaze settled on hers, and tension spiked in the air, all but crackling. With wants and needs. With things each of them needed to say.
She hadn’t anticipated seeing him until sometime tomorrow night. After J.J. took over the evening shift, Maddie had plans to send him a message on Gchat in the hopes that they could meet and talk.
All she could do now was stare and take in his lusciousness standing in her doorway. Because that’s what sex did. It made her notice all those things she didn’t want to see. Grayson was in damn good shape. He had the looks of one of those hot guys at the gym, with the bulging muscles in all the right places. His gray T-shirt hugged his chest and shoulders but skimmed his abdomen, hinting at the defined muscle that lurked beneath. The perfect fit of his dark blue jeans just made her drool.
She ran a shaky hand over her hair. What a sight she must make. Here she was in a tank without a bra, baggy pajama bottoms and no makeup. It didn’t help that his gaze flicked over her, taking her in. Nor did it help that her nipples tightened beneath the thin material of her top. And he noticed, all right—halfway up her body, his gaze halted. Heat filled his eyes, and his nostrils flared, his awareness of her so keen it sparked in the air.
She folded her arms in a vain attempt to hide her breasts, but she was pretty sure all she’d done was push them out for his viewing pleasure. Which did nothing but make her nipples tighten further. Feeling naked before him—and every bit as vulnerable—she furrowed her brow in confusion and shook her head. “What’re you doing here?”
He dropped his arms to his sides. “You never returned to the ballroom. Christina later confirmed you’d left early. I came to see if you were all right.”
The very fact that he’d hunted her down started her limbs trembling. That he’d come hinted he actually cared. So, too, did the anxiety filling his eyes. Was he nervous?
She averted her gaze, studying her bare toes. A much safer alternative at the moment, lest she do something stupid like invite him inside and plaster herself all over him. Again. “I’m fine, thanks for asking.”
“Can I come in?”
She shook her head, peeking up at him. Him being in her apartment after what had happened tonight was dangerous at best. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. It’s been a long night, and I’m tired.”
He nodded, uncertainty flitting across his features, and turned his head, seeming to stare down the quiet corridor outside her apartment. Silence stretched out, long and uncomfortable, before Grayson met her gaze again. She didn’t know what to do with herself, so she said nothing.
He drew a deep breath and released it. “Look. I realize you’re pissed at me. I’m not exactly handling this right. But I need to tell you something, and after the way things ended tonight, I’ve decided telling you can’t wait anymore.”
Damn it. He’d come for the exact reason she would’ve contacted him tomorrow.
She dropped her arms with a heavy sigh. “I can’t do this with you, Grayson. Not tonight.”
She didn’t trust herself, and her flashback earlier had taken it out of her.
Stubborn man that he was, he stepped over the threshold. At barely five foot six, she only came up to the tops of his shoulders, and he seemed huge, towering over her. He hooked his fingers beneath her chin, lifting her gaze to his. “You wanted to know why I didn’t tell you about myself three years ago when I had the chance. That requires me to share some very pers
onal things. I probably should have told you a long time ago, but I’d rather not do it while standing in the hallway.”
The simple touch was one too many. Two weeks ago, she couldn’t imagine herself having sex at all. Only three hours ago, she’d flipped out at having done exactly that. While some part of her understood she was an adult, free to do what she wanted, the memories of her rape and the absolute vulnerability they brought with them refused to leave her. She’d sworn once that she was finally putting it behind her, but all tonight had done was prove that she clearly hadn’t.
The worst part was, she couldn’t regret being with him. In the span of five minutes, he’d helped her accomplish what she’d failed to do on her own: take her sexuality back. Separate it from her rape. He’d made her forget. Because she felt safe with him.
Hannah was right. This was a conversation they needed to have if she was to ever fully leave their relationship in the past. She owed him that much. With a relenting sigh, she stepped back, pulled her door open wider, and made a sweeping motion in the air.
He smiled. As she closed the door behind him he turned to her, once again invading her space and sucking all the oxygen from the room.
“Thank you.” He touched her cheek, then turned and moved into the apartment, heading toward the living room.
Upon reaching the couch, he stopped and turned, looking back at her. He smiled—that tender smile that never ceased to make every bone melt—and crooked a finger at her. Like a lost puppy, she went. Eagerly. Happily. Despite nerves swirling in her stomach, her girly parts began an eager, anticipatory throb. The thought made her want to laugh. Three months ago, she’d have sworn never to find herself in this position, and here she was, panties damp, clit aching, running to him like a lovesick fool.
Thankfully, when she came to a stop in front of him, he didn’t touch her. She folded her arms, her only defense at this point and a meager one at that, and decided to grab the moment by its ears. “I owe you an apology.”
“Want to tell me what happened?” He stroked his fingers along her cheek.
Grayson had smooth, warm hands, and her mind filled with thoughts of those hands stroking her body. Despite her best effort not to react, her breath whooshed from her lungs and a heady shiver rocketed down her spine. She squared her shoulders.
“Old ghosts.” She wrapped her arms around herself and dropped her gaze to the floor. She’d told him bits and parts before, but never the full story. Every nerve ending seemed to be shaking with an ultra sense of vulnerability.
“Someone hurt you. Back in college. You told me something like that once, but I never put two and two together. I assumed you meant he broke your heart, but that wasn’t it, was it?”
His voice was low, a bare murmur between them, soothing somehow in its softness. Somehow it gave her the strength she lacked right then and the courage to continue.
“No. I was raped. I went to a party with someone I considered a friend. He got me drunk and…” The rest of the words caught in her throat. She drew a shaky breath, turned her gaze to the inky sky outside and tried again. “I don’t have a full memory of what happened. It’s all one great big blur. I passed out in someone’s room. I have a vague recollection of someone climbing on top of me and holding me down…”
Once the whole story was out, all Maddie could do was wait for Grayson’s reaction, gut tied in knots. When he didn’t say anything, she forced herself to look up. He stood stock-still, staring over her head, eyes glazed, jaw tense, shoulders stiff. As if sensing her glance, his eyes flicked in her direction. His fingers immediately unclenched and some of the tension left his body.
“I’m sorry. It just makes me really angry to know someone did that to you, and I didn’t think you needed to hear what was on my mind just then.” Compassion and sorrow filled his eyes as he reached out, cupping her chin in his warm palm. He stared for a long moment, stroking his thumbs over her cheeks. “I hate the thought of somebody hurting you. Tell me you caught the bastard.”
For a moment she could only stare at him, processing, and blinking back the tears that refused to stop filling her eyes. Three years ago, she’d purposely glossed over the details, terrified of how he’d react. To know it made him so angry he had to collect himself. To see his reaction on his face and written in his stance. For her. He couldn’t know the gift he’d given her right then, and she didn’t have the words to tell him.
“He was sentenced to eight years but got out early for good behavior.” She rolled her eyes.
“I’m sorry I brought all that up for you. That wasn’t where I’d always envisioned making love to you for the first time. I had lofty plans of taking it slow. Kissing and stroking every inch of you.” He smiled suddenly, warm yet melancholic and remorseful. “Being near you shorts out my brain. One touch of your soft mouth, and all I could see was the desperate need to fuse with you.”
His fingers caressed her chin this time, his gaze following as he swept his thumb across her lower lip. The familiarity with which he touched her made her body hum and filled her with an unquenchable need. Letting him into her apartment had been such a bad idea. She couldn’t resist him like this. Sweet and thoughtful. Being everything she desperately needed. Exactly the way he had been three years ago.
Maddie took a step back, fighting the near overwhelming desire to hurl herself into his arms. Distance. She needed distance and lots of it.
“Please don’t make this more difficult than it has to be. I let you in because I said some things I shouldn’t have. They were mean spirited and uncalled for, and they weren’t me.” She shrugged halfheartedly, as if somehow her fumbling words would make up for the awful way she’d treated him. “I had a panic attack. Since the rape, I’ve never been able to…”
The words flitted from her grasp as memories flipped through her mind. Previous panic attacks. The few times over the last four years that she’d tried and failed to have a healthy sexual relationship with a man. She swallowed past the thick paste in her throat and tried once again to find her words.
“Afterward, it just hit me. I lost myself with you. I’ve never done that before, and it scared me. But it doesn’t change things.” She straightened her shoulders, forcing herself to hold his gaze and refusing to allow herself to give in quite so easily. “You still lied to me, Grayson. Twice.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’ll probably be apologizing until the next millennium.” He dropped his hand. His shoulders rounded, his arms now hanging limply at his sides, he released a breath laden with regret. “I screwed up, Maddie. I did everything wrong. I’ll fully admit it. But I meant what I said earlier. You aren’t the only one who’s scared. The way I feel about you scares the hell out of me. There are things you need to know about me, but sharing them isn’t easy.”
She wrapped her arms around herself, needing something to stop the shaking. “Tell me, then, so we can get this over with. I need to move on, Grayson, and I need you to let me.”
That was a lie and the awful truth all rolled into one. Oh, she needed to move on, all right, but it wasn’t what she wanted. Not by half.
Once again, he didn’t do anything she hoped or expected. He followed, cupping her chin in the warmth of his palm and forcing her gaze to his.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Maddie. Let you go, I mean. You’re important to me, and all tonight did was prove that deep down somewhere, you still care, too. I have to take the chance, whether it gets me anywhere or not. I let you go last time, because I thought…” He let go of her chin and dragged a hand through his hair, helplessness rising in his eyes. “Hell, I don’t know what I thought. That it was hopeless. That I’d screwed up too badly. That I couldn’t blame you for walking away, because you were right. I should have told you. But you’re here, when six months ago you wouldn’t have given me the time of day, and I won’t let you go again without a fight.”
She let out a shaky laugh. “Thanks for the warning.”
His gaze seared into hers. “It’s not a wa
rning, baby. Just a statement of fact.”
Baby. The term of endearment had all those hot places flaring again, had her mind racing back to all those chats…
He stepped away from her and reached over his shoulder to grip his T-shirt in his fist, then whipped the garment off over his head and dropped it neatly on the arm of the couch beside him.
“What are you doing?” Maddie couldn’t stop her eyes from widening. Nor could she stop the memories from rising. The chats they’d shared when she thought him to be a stranger. The picture he’d sent filled her mind. God, he was so much more glorious in person.
“Showing you.” He held out his palm. “Give me your hand.”
“Why?” She tucked her fists beneath her arms instead. If she had to touch him again, she’d be a goner for sure. She itched to slide her fingers into the light dusting of curls covering the center of those beefy pecs, to know the warm satin of his skin. Now that he’d unleashed her passion, it was like a floodgate had been opened. All she wanted and all she could think was being back there, in the safe shelter of his arms, getting lost in…him.
“The ink covers a scar. The tattoo artist did a fantastic job with it, because you can’t even see the scar anymore, but you can feel it.” He pried her right arm loose and guided her flattened palm up his chest to the corner of his shoulder. “Here.”
Her fingers skimmed over a small ridge of thickened skin sitting a few inches below where the phoenix’s wing curved over his shoulder. She frowned as she followed the scar upwards with her fingertips, feeling for the end and trying to judge its size. “What caused that?”
Grayson didn’t respond right away. Rather, he drew a deep breath, held it, then blew it out in a rush of air. His body tensed beneath her fingers. “A belt buckle.”
The tight, uneasiness of his voice made her glance at him. He stood rigid, staring out ahead of him, muscles tense, jaw clenched, heart hammering beneath her fingers. His clear anxiety only increased the sinister feeling curling through her. He was nervous. Grayson had always been cool and in control, very self-confident, so for him to be so anxious had her stomach clenching. Which then made her wonder: What on earth could create a scar like this?
