So why did looking at that tired, little cupcake and the sweetness in Justina's expression put a lump in her throat?
Justina held it up."Go ahead. It's your favorite. Chocolate."
Pam took the plate. For some reason she didn’t understand, she found herself unable to meet Justina’s gaze. "But how—“
"Did I know? That you love chocolate cake or that it’s your birthday?"
"Both."
"Baby, we celebrate your birthday every year. All three of you girls. I go all out. On Tamia’s day, we go to a Thai restaurant and I make a six layer coconut cake. On Krissi’s, it's my special Five Cheese Macaroni Bake and a pineapple upside-down cake. On your birthday," she said, patting Pam on the arm. “I make my white lasagna and my secret recipe devil's food cake."
Pam didn’t know what to say. How in the world did this woman know these things? Yes, Kristina had done interviews. And there was an MTV special that followed her and the band during the holidays one year. But Pam steered clear of the public eye once she’d stopped singing backup for Kristina. Finding personal information about her sisters, especially on fan sites, was possible. But Pam? No way.
It must have been Gerald.
Pam stared at the cupcake. On one hand, she was uncomfortable. She’d never met this woman and wasn't even sure she wanted to like her. She already had one strike against her: being married to Gerald. On the other hand, she made something stir in Pam's heart. If there was anything Pam was unfamiliar with, it was warm and fuzzy. But that's exactly what she felt as she sat next to Justina and listened to her talk.
Not having grandmothers, aunts, godmothers—or anyone else like that in their lives—left a void. There was never anyone to bake a cake or remember a birthday. To go to for advice, encouragement or even a hug.
While Kristina and Tamia had expressed their wish for those types of relationships, Pam never did. Why should she? It wasn't like it was something that could ever happen. Especially after they'd grown up. The way Pam saw it, their opportunity to be mothered or shown affection as daughters or nieces or granddaughters had long since passed. There was no sense in yearning for something that would never be. At least, that's what she always told herself.
But now, as she sat next to Justina, she felt the emptiness she hadn’t experienced since she was a little girl. That heartache she sensed whenever she saw mothers and daughters together at the grocery store or hugging each other in a restaurant.
Pam couldn’t recall the last time someone called her Baby, like Justina just had. She wasn't prepared for the deep longing that gripped her heart as a result.
Pam cleared her throat. She couldn't go there. Too much was already happening. She needed to stay strong. For Kristina. For Tamia. She couldn't do that while wallowing in her own feelings. She needed to change the subject.
“This was kind of you. Thank you.”
Justina chuckled. “You’re so formal! Well, I guess that’s to be expected. I keep forgetting you girls don’t know me from Adam. I feel like I’ve known you your whole lives. Between the baby pictures and seeing Krissi—“
"Baby pictures?"
"You haven't seen them yet?"
"No. You mean you have some with you?"
“Do I have some with me?” Justina reached in to her purse and dug out a long wallet. “Always.” She opened it and sure enough, there in the plastic picture sleeves were the Langston girls.
There was a hospital picture of Tamia, all new and wrinkly. The next was a snapshot of Kristina. Pam couldn’t tell the age, but she couldn’t have been more than six months. The next four pictures were all shots of Pam.
The edges were worn and the images had scratches and blemishes due to the passing of time.
“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stared at these pictures. Wondered where you were, what you were doing.” Justina sighed. “You especially. I don’t know why, but I always had such a soft spot for you. Well, look at those cheeks,” Justina said, chuckling. “Who could resist those?”
Pam bit her lip. Could it be? Could a woman she’d never met really care about her enough to carry her baby pictures in her wallet for close to thirty years?
"I didn't even know pictures of me this young existed."
"And that's just the ones I stole from your daddy!" Justina laughed. Pam found herself growing more and more fond of the sound.
Justina got up and went to a chair a few feet away. Using the arm of another chair for support, she reached under the seat and pulled out an overnight bag. She brought it back to where Pam was and reached inside, taking out an old, worn envelope. She handed it to Pam and sat down again.
Pam balanced the cupcake plate on her knees and took the envelope. She gasped when she saw what was inside.
Dozens and dozens of Langston family pictures. There was one of her mother, younger than she’d ever seen her, holding a diapered Pam in her arms. In another picture, Pam was cradled by an older woman. Her grandmother? She had no idea. She’d never known or seen any of her grandparents.
"This one was always my favorite." Justina put on the readers she had hanging from her neck and pointed to the next picture in the stack. "Look at the two of you! Those faces!"
It was Pam and Kristina, dressed like twins and holding hands.
Pam shook her head and chuckled. "I can't believe this. We were so little. And cute!"
"You were precious, precious girls. I couldn't help but fall in love with you when I saw all these. Not to mention the stories your daddy told me about you three. Like this one here."
Justina shuffled through the pictures until she came across a much younger Gerald on his hands and knees and Kristina on his back. She had one arm up in the air and the other one holding on to the makeshift reigns he held in his mouth.
"Apparently, she wanted a pony for her birthday…"
Justina continued, but Pam didn't hear a word she said. She was too mesmerized by young Kristina’s face.
From the moment Pam saw Xavier, she thought he looked like Omar. But now, as she stared at the picture of Kristina, only one thing came to mind. The baby picture she had seen of Xavier on the Morris mantle.
"Xavier looked just like her," Pam whispered.
Justina stopped telling her story and looked at Pam.
"Xavier? Who's that?"
"Her son," Pam said, without thinking.
"I have a grandson?"
The sound of Gerald’s voice snatched Pam from her reverie. He stood a few feet away from her and Justine, a shocked expression on his face. She hadn't even heard him walk in.
He rushed toward her, his limp more pronounced as he hurried.
"Nobody told me. How old is he? Where is he?"
Upon seeing him, Pam felt her muscles tense and her temperature rise.
Talk about nerve. More than thirty years of silence from the man and he expected to show up and be taken to the bedside of the daughter he never knew. Now, he had the audacity to call Kristina’s child his grandson?
Pam had never felt her temper rise so quickly. She stood abruptly, unintentionally causing the cupcake on her lap to fall to the floor and break into pieces. Immediately, Justina struggled to her knees to clean it up. Pam knew she should’ve helped. She wanted to help. But with Gerald there, all she could see was red.
She needed to get away and she needed to do it quickly. It was the only way she’d avoid making a scene.
She left Justina behind and tried to pass Gerald, but he grabbed her arm, pleading in his eyes.
"Please. If I have a grandson—“
Pam snatched her arm away and did her best to keep her voice even, but her hostility was too deep to cover.
"You don't. In order to have a grandson, you have to have a daughter. And you don't. I don't know what kind of excuses you've been feeding Kristina, but you can’t try that stuff with me. There is no reason in the world you had to abandon us the way you did. And then show up now? In the middle of all this mess? For what? To offer your support? Newsflas
h: we don't need it. And we don't need you!"
Gerald took a couple of unsteady steps backward. "I know you're angry. You have every right to be. But we’re still family. That means something."
"That don't mean jack! And in case you haven't noticed, we don't need no more family!” She threw the pictures she was still holding in his face. “And we don’t need your happy family memories either. Ain’t nothing but a bunch of lies anyway. Go back to Seattle. You never should've come in the first place!”
Pam went to turn, but caught a glimpse of Justina as she did. She was still on the floor, picking up the bits of cupcake strewn across the carpet. Pam saw the tears in her eyes, though Justina tried to hide them when their eyes met.
The hurt on her face made Pam’s stomach twist. But instead of apologizing, she stormed out, running in to Kristina as she did.
Chapter 14
"That was rude, Pam."
Kristina followed her sister around the corner and to a bank of chairs until Pam stopped and put her hand up.
"Don't start with me, Kristina."
“There's no need to be so nasty to him."
"Please. I've already asked you. Just stop."
"I'll stop when you explain why you won't even hear his side of the story. He deserves that much. Here he is trying to offer his support and you acting like that. The least you could do is be polite. We need him right now."
Pam jerked back, and then made a big show of looking behind her and down the hall.
“Need him? Who? Not me. I haven’t needed him since he left. And while we’re on the subject, since when do you and Tamia need him? Didn’t I take care of you two? Tell me one time I wasn't there when you needed me! But the minute this joker rolls into town, all of a sudden you need him? Please, somebody explain that to me."
Kristina put her hand on her hip. ”Is that what this is about? You think somebody's trying to replace you? Oh, Pam. Nobody—not Gerald, not Omar—nobody could ever take your place. Not with me or Tamia. You were more of a mother to us than mama ever was. Don't think for a second we’ve forgotten that. But don't you ever get tired? Don't you ever wish you had someone you could lean on? It was just the three of us for so long, but look at what God’s done. We’re not on our own anymore. We have a family to draw strength from. Reiland, Gerald, Chloe, Omar, Xav—“
The silence hung between them, heavy with sorrow. Once Pam spoke again, her voice was quiet and all the anger had been deflated out of it.
"Yeah… Things just keep getting better and better, huh?"
Kristina sat down. Pam folded her arms and walked to the other side of the hallway before turning again to face Kristina.
"I see it coming." She closed her eyes and shook her head. “The train wreck that's about to hit us head-on and I'm the only one willing to admit it."
"It's not that I don't see what's happening, Pam. I just believe God is big enough to make it better."
Pam sniffed. "Make it better, huh?” She came back to where Kristina was and stood in front of her. "I'm all for living the Christian life. You know I am. And I respect that you want to have faith in God. But sometimes you have to be realistic. Some things don't get better."
"I can still have hope they will."
Pam shook her head and sat next to Kristina. "And that's the problem. Don't you see it? Even when we were little girls, you and Tamia were always hoping it would get better. I never did. You know why? Because dear old dad taught me otherwise. I didn't hope for things to get better because I knew it didn't make a difference. However good it gets, there's always another bad thing waiting around the corner. That's life. I got to where I finally understood that."
"You never gave up on me."
Kristina's words stopped Pam cold. She leaned back in the chair and rested her head against the wall.
"You're right. The one thing I could never accept was your nonstop efforts to put yourself six feet under. So yeah, I did everything I could to prevent that from happening. And by some miracle, it worked out. And I'll admit, for about a minute, I actually thought: Wow. Maybe life isn't just a series of tragedies. Maybe there’s such a thing as being happy."
Pam laughed bitterly and rolled her head to the side so she was looking at Kristina. "Right up until I turned on the news about two people I love most in this world being in one of the deadliest crashes in Texas state history. Right up until I learned my nephew wasn't going open his eyes again and my baby sister would be disabled for life."
Pam sat up and turned to Kristina, putting her hand on her arm. "And then there's you.”
She put her other hand on the side of Kristina's face, turning it so they were facing each other.
"I see you holding on for dear life. Hoping and praying God is going to swoop in and rescue us. But that's not how it works, Krissi. He never saved us from mama. He didn't save Tamia and Xavier from the accident. And He's not gonna save us from this.”
"You don't know—”
"What? I don't know that’s how it’ll turn out? But I do, Krissi. I know it like I know my own name. And what terrifies me is the moment when you’ll realize it for yourself. The moment you'll lose all hope. Because I'm afraid that when you do, that's the moment I’ll lose you."
Kristina blinked back the tears and tried to swallow the doubt she felt rising like bile.
“Kristina, I’m scared. More afraid than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m terrified that if you don't accept reality, if you don't start dealing with what's about to happen, you’re gonna end up where you were the night of mama’s funeral. On a bathroom floor, alone and dying.”
Pam’s voice broke and her words came out in choked whispers. “I’m begging you. Please. Please. Accept this so we can move through it. I can get through anything else, but I can’t lose you or Tamia. I can’t.”
Kristina put her arms around Pam.
“You won’t. I promise.”
She said the words, hoping she sounded more confident than she felt.
Kristina slipped in to Tamia’s room and put her hand up before her little sister could say anything.
“I know, I know. You want to be left alone. Fine. I won’t say a word, but I’m not leaving. I need to hide out from Pam for a minute and this is the only place I know she won’t come.”
Without waiting for a response, Kristina continued to the couch on the other side of the room. But on her way, she noticed the tears rolling down Tamia’s cheeks and stopped.
“What is it? Are you hurting? I’ll get a nurse.”
“No.”
Kristina stopped and turned back around.
“I’m not hurting. I mean, no more than usual.”
She began to sob and Kristina rushed to her side. She took Kleenex from the nightstand and dabbed her tears.
“Oh, honey. Talk to me. What is it?”
“I’m so hateful,” Tamia cried.
“Hateful? You? Why in the world would you say that? Tamia, you couldn’t be hateful even if you tried. You’re just going through some major stuff right now and we understand that.”
“You weren’t there,” Tamia said, trying to catch her breath. “You didn’t hear the things I said.”
“To who? What are you talking about?”
“Russell. He kept quoting scripture and I got mad and basically told him he was stupid for thinking things could get better.”
Kristina sighed and patted her sister’s cheeks with a fresh Kleenex. “You, too? And here I was thinking I was jumping out of the frying pan…”
“Huh?”
“Nothing. It’ll be okay, Tam. I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t be fixed.”
“He probably hates me.”
“I seriously doubt that, but if you really think you messed up, apologize. Tell him you were wrong.”
Tamia furrowed her eyebrows.
“Oh, wait. Let me guess. You don’t think you’re wrong, do you?”
“It’s not that. It’s just—“ Tamia’s eyes welled up with tears again. “I want to
believe what he believes, but how can I? With all the bad stuff that’s happened to us? I’m tired. I don’t want to keep hoping and believing. It’s exhausting. I just wanna…”
“Close your eyes.”
Tamia looked up at her sister and the tears started to fall again. Kristina yanked another Kleenex from the box and dried her own cheeks.
“Trust me. I know the feeling. You know I do. Until you, Pam and Robin staged your little weekend intervention, all I wanted was to close my eyes and never open them again. There was no reason to, at least, that’s what I thought. You three helped me see I was wrong.”
Kristina swept the loose strands of hair from her sister’s forehead and smiled.
“Remember when I was pregnant with Xavier? How I used to cry after everyone else was asleep?”
“I would get in bed with you.”
Kristina nodded. “And you’d talk about what it’d be like when he was born. And then you’d sing to me.”
Tamia laughed and sniffled. “God Put A Rainbow in the Sky.”
“And I used to think, ‘She’s too young. She doesn’t understand how bad this is. Over here singing about rainbows when our lives are about to blow up!’” Kristina chuckled. “Turns out, I was the one who didn’t get it. But that’s what He does. Waits until the darkness seems too deep to be overcome, and then, here comes the light. He’s still the same God you sang about, baby sister.”
“Yeah, well, I sure wish He’d put one up for me.”
No sooner than Tamia got the words out, a realization hit Kristina. Her eyes grew wide and she started grinning so hard, her cheeks hurt.
“I think He already did!”
Tamia frowned. “What are you talking about?”
Kristina put her hands on her head. “I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of this before!”
“What?”
“You, Tamia! You! You and the only other person you ever missed as much as you missed my baby.” Kristina made a dash for the door. “I’ll be back.”
“Where are you going?”
“To prove you and Pam wrong. Things do get better. And guess what? God is still in the rainbow making business!”
My Soul Is Satisfied (The Langston Family Saga Book 3) Page 7
