Chapter 15
Tamia wished she had a mirror she could look in. After everything that’d happened over the past few days, she was sure she looked a mess. Kristina told her it didn’t matter, not to worry about it. But how could she not?
Today was the day she would meet her father.
She couldn't remember the last time she'd been so nervous. She’d sung backup for Kristina in stadiums filled with thousands of people and not once had her heart ever beat so fast. She had to keep reminding herself to take a breath because every few minutes, she realized she was holding it. Questions were racing through her mind faster than she could process them. What did he look like? Did he ever think about her? Did he miss her as much as she’d missed him?
Kristina told her very little about him. But it was just enough to let her know that nearly everything they’d heard about him was a lie. But Tamia didn't care. Even if all of it were true, she still wouldn’t have turned him away. She’d wanted, no, needed a father too much to ever do that.
Besides, whatever he was, he couldn't have been any worse than their mother. And even after everything she’d done, Tamia knew deep down, there was some part of her that still loved Mahalia.
Tamia glanced at the clock on the wall. It felt like it’d been at least an hour since she’d last looked, but it’d only been seven minutes. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She wished she knew what time he was coming. That might’ve made the time pass a little easier. But Kristina told her they would have to wait until Pam left for lunch or an errand. There was no way she was sneaking Gerald in as long as Pam was milling about in the hallway.
Gerald.
How many times had Tamia wondered what her father’s name was? Growing up, it was her Holy Grail. She thought knowing would make him less of a mystery. That it would somehow transform him from the unreachable and shadowy figure he was, into something concrete and imaginable.
But now, she wouldn’t have to imagine. Now, she’d actually—
Tamia heard the door open and she felt as if her heart stopped. She opened her eyes to see Kristina walk in and behind her, an older gentleman with coconut shell brown skin, followed.
He looked just like Tamia.
Since the moment she’d learned he was at the hospital, she’d spent every minute imagining their reunion. She’d wondered about the best way to greet him, what to say and how to say it. But now that the moment was here, all her plans left her nothing but speechless.
He walked to her bed, his eyes damp with tears and a warm smile on his face.
"My baby girl. You know, the last time I saw you, you fit in the crook of my arm."
Tamia was overcome with emotion. Even with all she wanted to say to him, all she could do was cry. Never in a million years did she think she’d meet her father, much less, hear him call her his baby girl.
He leaned over on her bed so his face was against hers, their tears intermingling.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." He whispered the words over and over. And over and over she told him, “It's okay. It's okay."
After a few moments, he straightened up and she was able to look into his face again. When she did, she laughed.
"I've always wondered who I looked like. Pam and Kristina look like mama. Despite what they said, I knew I didn’t.”
He arched an eyebrow and tugged at his lapels. "That's because you the only one fortunate enough to take after the old man."
Tamia couldn’t help but smile. It was quite the compliment. Although he had the look of someone that had lived hard, it did nothing to diminish his handsomeness. With his red banded fedora cocked over one eye, he looked like the kind they sung about when they said, Papa was a rolling stone… Tamia decided that once she got over the shock of meeting him, she’d have to ask how in the world a man like him was able to convince a woman like Mahalia Langston to marry him.
“Mmm, mmm, mmm.” He shook his head and brought a chair to her bedside. “I just can’t get over this.” He sat down and held one of her hands in his. “The whole time we were coming down from Seattle, I just kept saying, Lord, please keep her here and let me see her just one more time. Justina finally bopped me in the back of the head and told me to stop begging and get to praying!”
“Justina?”
“That’s my wife. Talk about a praying woman. At one point, I thought I felt the car shaking! I’ll admit, it scared me a bit, but I thought, hey, whatever works!”
“Thank her for me.”
“You can thank her yourself. She’s looking to see you just as much as me, but wanted to give us some time alone first. I know you girls had a mama and you’re probably still hurting over your loss, but when you’re ready, I hope you can find room in your heart to get to know Justina. She loves you like you’re her own babies.”
Tamia swallowed. Kristina hadn’t told him what their childhood was like?
“Does that mean you’re sticking around this time?”
Gerald leaned back. “Ouch.”
Tamia hadn’t meant her words to come out so sharp. She didn’t even know why they did. It’s not like she was angry with him, but for some reason, him bringing up her mother made her prickly. The last thing she wanted to do was end this reunion before it had a chance to begin.
“I’m sorry.”
He waved his hand and took off his hat, setting it on the bedside table. “Little girl, you ain’t got nothing to be sorry about. You yell, cry and kick, if you want to. God knows I deserve that and more.”
“No! I mean, I don’t care about any of that. It’s all in the past. I just don’t want you to leave. Not again.”
He nodded his head and took her hand again. “I let you girls down once. I don’t intend on doing it again.”
She squeezed his hand. “I hear you have pictures.”
“You bet I do. And stories to go with ‘em!” He took out glasses from the inside of his jacket and an overstuffed and worn envelope from his pocket.
“You sure you’re ready for this? Justina says I can talk a hind leg off a mule.”
Tamia motioned at her halo. “Captive audience.”
He laughed and Tamia felt her heart skip a beat.
“All right, baby girl,” he said, eyeing her over the top of his glasses. “Just remember, you asked for it.”
Chapter 16
The light coming through the hospital room window went from a stark midday brightness to a beautiful and flaming, sunset orange. Nurses came and nurses went. Tamia barely noticed any of it.
Turned out she and her father had a lot in common. All the little things that perplexed her sisters over the years, like her all-consuming love of Thai food and her passionate obsession with Star Wars, were courtesy of Gerald LeVar Langston.
The hours seemed to pass like minutes as they shared their lives and memories. Her father’s stories, not only of her sisters as girls, but of his own life after them, had her sometimes laughing and sometimes crying. But she wasn’t the only one. As Gerald told her about him and his brother growing up in Alabama, he was doing both at the same time.
“Wait. Did you just say he ran you over with a car?”
His high pitched peals of laughter filled the room. “Baby, not just any car. A boat! A big ol’ avocado green Cadillac.”
“Were you hurt?”
“Nah. But he didn’t know that, so I played dead! And I didn’t move a muscle until he was wallowing in the dirt and crying like a newborn baby ‘cuz he knew my mama was about to end his life! He was drooling and flopping all over the ground for a good ten minutes before I jumped him.”
“What did he do?”
“Wet his pants right then and there.” Gerald laughed so hard, Tamia was sure he was going to fall off the chair.
“You wrong for that.”
Gerald wiped the tears from his eyes, still wheezing with laughter. “I know it. But it served him right for trying to run me over.”
Just then, the door opened and two flower arrangements and a bunch of b
alloons walked in. Hiding behind them was Pam.
“Before you start yelling, I’m just bringing—“
The balloons floated up to the ceiling and Pam’s mouth dropped open. She looked from Tamia to Gerald and back to Tamia.
“So I guess you lifted the ban on all visitors, huh? Or does he just get special privileges?”
“Pamela—“
“I wasn’t talking to you.”
Pam slammed one of the flower arrangements down on a table to emphasize her point. She brought the other one to Tamia’s bedside table.
“Don’t worry. I’m not staying. Just making your deliveries.”
“Pam, don’t be mad.”
Pam turned back toward the door, her hands up. “Mad? I’m past that. I’m done.”
She opened the door with one hand and pointed at Gerald with the other.
“You and Kristina wanna cozy up with the man that left y’all in the hands of the devil? Fine by me. I’m not wasting another breath on the matter.”
With that, she walked out the door, slamming it behind her.
A few awkward moments of silence passed before Tamia spoke.
“Don’t worry about her. She’ll come around.”
Gerald gave her a halfhearted smile. “I expected you girls to be angry, but I think Pamela outright hates me.”
“No, she’s just…” Tamia exhaled. “We went through a lot. She was the one who had to take care of everybody else. Mama was… well, like I said, we went through a lot.”
“That’s what she meant, about me leaving y’all in the hands of the devil?”
Tamia nodded.
“What all happened?” He asked, but there was reluctance in his voice, as if he wasn’t sure he wanted an answer.
Whether he did or not, didn’t matter. Tamia wasn’t in the mood to give one.
“Maybe some other time.”
Her day had been going well. For the first time since she’d woken up, she wasn’t drowning in her own sorrow. There was no way that would last if she started talking about the misery that was her childhood.
“That look on your face is saying a lot. Please tell me the reality wasn’t as bad as what I’m imagining.”
Tamia didn’t have a clue what her father was thinking, but she knew there was no way it beat out the horrors they’d experienced growing up. Suddenly, she understood why Kristina hadn’t told him about it. It was too hard.
He interlaced his fingers and put them over his head and stared at the ceiling. His eyes became damp and he whispered, “Lord Jesus.”
“It’s okay,” Tamia said, her voice breaking. “It’s over now.”
He put his face in his hands. “I should’ve taken you girls to my mother that night. I should’ve taken you that night.” His shoulders shook as he wept and the sight of it pained Tamia more than the damage the accident had done.
“Daddy.”
Gerald looked up, blinking back tears. Tamia opened her hand so he would take it and he did.
“Please, don’t. I know you feel guilty and I know it hurts you. But let’s not dwell on that right now. There’s already too much bad happening for us to drag along what’s been left behind. Let’s just talk about something else, okay?”
He nodded his head and wiped his eyes. “You’re right. What you want to talk about, baby girl?”
“Anything.”
“Anything?”
“Yep.”
“You sure?”
Tamia narrowed her eyes. The mischievous glint in her father’s eye reminded her of the look Kristina got whenever she was about to prank someone on tour.
“I was. Now? Not so much.”
Gerald grinned. "What's with the young man wasting away outside your door?"
Tamia groaned. When Russell said he’d sit outside her door, she didn’t think he’d literally do it.
“And explain the Walkman. I'm almost seventy and I don't even use those things. And I'm pretty sure those kind of flat tops went out with the nineties.”
“He’s—“ Tamia started to explain he was Xavier’s brother, but if Kristina hadn’t told Gerald about their mother, maybe she hadn’t told him about her son, either.
“He’s a friend.”
“A friend?" Gerald wasn’t buying it.
Tamia exhaled. “We had kinda, well, I guess you could call it a ‘flirtation’ going on.”
“Before all this?” Gerald frowned. “I haven't seen that boy in any real clothes since I got here. The only reason I know he changes is because his scrubs are a different color from day to day. And from what I understand, he hardly goes home. He comes by and asks Kristina about you on every break. He even eats his lunch right out there in the hallway. That sounds like more than a ‘flirtation’ to me."
"Maybe for him, it is."
"So this is one-sided, then? I guess that would explain why he's always outside the room and never in it."
"I told him he couldn't come in."
Gerald moaned and crossed his arms.
“Put the poor boy out of his misery. And trust me, he’s in misery. If you don’t like him, why not tell him so?”
Tamia remained silent and stared at the wall.
“Ahhh, I see.” Gerald took a deep breath. ”I understand I'm the newcomer in all this, but it seems to me right now you need your friends close. Why would you push him away at a time like this?"
Tamia blinked rapidly in the hopes of stopping the tears threatening to roll down her cheeks.
"He cares about me too much. It scares me."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want to weigh him down with this. I don't want him to think he wants me today, only to wake up five years from now and realize he tied himself to a millstone.”
"But isn’t that his decision to make?"
Tamia kept blinking, but it didn't help. The tears fell quicker than she could stop them. Gerald stood and snatched a few tissues out of the box on the bedside table. Then he gently dabbed the tears from her face.
"Say what you will, but I know lovestruck when I see it. And that boy’s got it bad."
Tamia fiddled with the sheet under her blanket and sucked her teeth. "Well, he needs to get over that quick, if he knows what’s best for him.”
"And why is that? You already spoken for?"
"Yeah," she said bitterly. "There's already a big, handsome wheelchair with my name all over it.
Gerald sighed. ”After all these years, I know I don't have any right to come in here offering fatherly advice, so just think of me as Yoda. A wise little man that’s been around a long time. If he's a physical therapist, I think he probably already knows what he’s getting into. Maybe even better than you do.”
Tamia had to admit, she hadn’t thought about that. And maybe if her disability was the only problem, she would’ve told Gerald he was right. But there was another reason she wanted Russell to stay away, a reason that would have kept them apart even if the accident had never happened.
“None of that matters. I can’t be with him.”
Gerald sat back down and leaned in, his elbows on her bed. "Would it be all right if I asked why?”
After a few moments, she said, “You know that stuff I didn’t wanna talk about?”
Gerald nodded. “Your mama.”
Tamia swallowed. “The things that happened… She messed me up. Bad. Some days, I feel like I’m walking in quicksand. I’m sad and I don’t even know why. Or I’m anxious and I panic for no reason. He doesn't know about any of that. I'm afraid of what would happen when he found out. Being broken on the inside is one thing, being broken on the outside is another. But both?" She closed her eyes. “He’s a good guy. He deserves better than that."
"You know what else he is? Grown. What he does or doesn't deserve is not anyone else's decision but his own. And you should let him make it."
“So…what? He can eventually see what a bad deal he got and end up leaving anyway? It’s better if he goes now. It’ll hurt less.”
“Oh
, baby girl,” Gerald sighed. ”It's my fault you don't know this, but there are men that stay. Through good times and bad. Through stuff worse than what you're facing. They stay. They know the meaning of unconditional love. Any man that's gonna sit outside your room every available minute, even after you’ve thrown your worst at him, well, he may be one of the ones worth keeping. I've only talked to him in passing, but he seems like an upstanding man."
"He is," Tamia whispered.
"Then give him a chance." Gerald wiped away her tears again, balled up the tissue and stuffed it in his pocket. “You’re a lot easier to love than you think.”
Tamia studied him for a few moments before a smile slowly stretched across her face.
"Right you are, father. Much wisdom, you have."
Gerald laughed and cleared his throat so he could do his best Yoda impression.
"And if smart you are, daughter. Listen, you will."
Tamia laughed. Deep and from her belly. Like she had before the accident, when she still felt there was hope to be had. Maybe Kristina was right. Maybe miracles did happen. Because, paralyzed or not, she was alive and looking into her father’s eyes.
And that was something she couldn't have imagined in her wildest dreams.
Chapter 17
"I hate to even ask this but, how are you holding up?"
Kristina was on the first floor of the hospital, alone in the hallway, leaned against the wall and on the phone with Robin.
"Believe it or not, I'm okay. Maybe I shouldn't be. That’s the impression I keep getting from Pam. And yeah, with the way things look, maybe I should be feeling something else. But the truth is, I’m holding up.”
“I wish I could be there with you.”
“Girl, you and me both. Especially right now,” Kristina said, looking down the hall.
“Why? What’s going on?”
“I’ve been meeting with the families of my tour members and the last family is coming in today. Michelle's family. Out of everyone, we've always been the closest to them. One year we even spent the holidays together. You’d think our being tight would make it easier. But for some reason, I'm dreading seeing Michelle's mother the most. I have no idea what to say. If you were here, you’d know what to do."
My Soul Is Satisfied (The Langston Family Saga Book 3) Page 8
