"And so will you. You have access to the same God and the same wisdom I do."
Just then, Pastor Thomas, who had been waiting farther down the hall, waved his hand to get Kristina’s attention.
"Robin, it looks like they're here now,” she said. “I'll call you later. But please, keep us in your prayers."
"Of course. But listen, keep your eyes on God. Trust that He’ll show you the way. He always does."
Kristina followed Pastor Thomas to where Michelle's mother, older brother and younger sister were coming down the hall. Michelle's mother, Rhonda, wore a weary expression and red-rimmed eyes. But she still smiled the moment she saw Kristina and opened her arms to embrace her.
After hugging Michelle’s siblings and exchanging a few words, Kristina motioned to the pastor.
"Rhonda, this is Pastor Thomas. He heads a wonderful church here in Dallas and has been helping all of us through this."
Rhonda shook Pastor Thomas’ hand.
"I'm here for whatever you need," he told her. “Even for what you have to do now. If you prefer to go in privately, we’ll wait. But if you’d like me to accompany you, I'm more than willing."
Rhonda nodded and took a deep breath. "I appreciate that. Thank you. I…” Her voice faltered. She looked at her son and daughter, almost apologetically.
Her daughter, Marie, hugged her. “Mama, it’s okay. He can go in with us.”
Marie looked at Kristina and the Pastor. “She’s been back and forth about this since we left New York.”
“It’s a lot to put on you kids, that’s all.”
Her son, Ezra, put his hand on her back. “We’ve got this. Don't worry about it. You stay with Krissi and we’ll be right back."
Rhonda nodded. She wiped at the tears streaming from her eyes. "You all go ahead then."
Pastor Thomas led Michelle’s siblings down the hall as Kristina and Rhonda watched them go.
“I know they think they’re prepared. And I love them for wanting to spare me, but…” Rhonda exhaled heavily.
“Come on,” Kristina whispered. She took Rhonda by the hand and led her to a bench and they sat.
“I saw the footage. I saw how bad that wreck was. I just keep imagining her cut up and broken…" She shook her head. "God forgive me, but I just can't do it. I can’t see my baby like that."
“Anyone could understand that.”
"I wanted to thank you, Krissi. I was told you had to identify two of the girls. They said it would've been a lot longer until we knew who was who if you hadn't done that. And thank you for taking care of the arrangements. For getting Michelle home, too. With the medical bills I've had piling up these last two years, I don't know how we would've been able to afford it."
"Stop. You’re family. Anything else you need, let me know. I mean that."
"I know you do. And I can’t thank you enough."
Rhonda leaned back and exhaled. "I've been through some stuff, girl. God knows I have. But this? I just can't wrap my head around it. I've heard people say losing a child is the worst thing a parent can go through. But the pain…” She held her fist to her chest. “It’s almost unbearable."
Kristina looked away from Rhonda. It was in moments like these her faith wavered. That she wondered if Pam was right, that she was hoping for something impossible. If Pam was right, then this pain Rhonda described was what awaited her. The thought of it made her dizzy with fear.
"I can't imagine," she whispered.
"And I hope you never have to, Krissi. ‘Cause I don’t know how—“ Rhonda’s voice caught in her throat and her words came out like gasps of air. “I can’t see how I’m gonna survive it."
Kristina clenched her jaw and tightened her fists. Esther told her about the bouts of doubt. She’d mentioned how lonely it could be, believing for something that seemed impossible. But she hadn’t said anything about the terror. The way it made one’s stomach churn and legs weak.
Kristina bowed her head and shut her eyes.
God has not given me the spirit of fear. God has not given me the spirit of fear. God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
A sound mind. That’s what she needed. A mind kept on Christ and His finished work at the cross. A mind that remembered His promise to never leave her or forsake her. A mind—
“Marie!”
Kristina’s thoughts were interrupted when she felt Rhonda move. She opened her eyes just in time to see Marie run past them, her hand over her mouth and her face streaked with tears.
Kristina followed Rhonda as she continued to call after her daughter, but to no avail. Rhonda turned to Ezra and Pastor Thomas as they approached.
"I never should have put this on you. It should have been me."
Ezra blinked, his face blank. "It wouldn’t have made a difference."
Rhonda went to him. “What do you mean, son?”
He sat and buried his face in his hands. "We’re gonna have to bury her like that." He broke down in sobs.
Confused, Rhonda reached for him. "What are you saying? Baby, I don't understand."
"She's in bad shape, mama."
Rhonda looked from her son to Pastor Thomas and then Kristina. "What does that mean? Bad shape?"
Kristina and Pastor Thomas looked at each other, neither wanting to answer.
"What’s he talking about? Tell me!"
Kristina opened her mouth, but no words came out. It seemed such a simple thing to do. They were only words, after all. But how in the world do you tell a mother something like that? How do you tell someone their baby was cut in pieces?
Desperate for help, Kristina looked at Pastor Thomas. He swallowed hard and put his arm around Rhonda’s shoulders.
"Let's have a seat. I'll explain it to you."
Kristina knew she should stay. She knew it was her responsibility to give the family support. But against her best intentions, she began to back away. With each word Pastor Thomas spoke, she found it harder and harder to stop. By the time he got to the end of it, by the time he explained to Rhonda what the accident had done to her young and beautiful daughter, Kristina wanted to run.
And when Rhonda screamed and slid off the chair onto the floor, that’s exactly what Kristina did.
She didn't stop running until she got to Xavier's room. She needed it to be two o'clock. She needed to retreat to that Secret Place. Because though she was hanging on, her fingers were starting to slip.
There was only one Person Who could catch her before she fell, and His name was Jesus.
Chapter 18
Kristina and Esther’s prayer time began like it always had, with praise and worship. But then, about fifteen minutes in, something happened.
Like a mighty, rushing wind, a power swept into the room with such force, Kristina found herself prostrate on the floor. She wasn’t quite sure how she got there. She never even felt herself fall. All she knew was the air in the room became heavy and unlike anything she'd experienced before.
The Presence in the room, however, was very familiar. It was the same Presence she’d felt at New Life Tabernacle the night she saw her son for the first time after seventeen years of thinking him dead.
Now, like then, she couldn't move. And now, like then, she didn’t want to. It was too healing, too revitalizing. After the terror of the accident, the strife with Pam and the surprise return of her father, her parched soul needed this refreshing from God the way the desert needed rain. If she could’ve, she would have lain there all night, soaking it in until she could take no more. But, as suddenly as it came, it was gone.
The encounter seemed to have lasted only moments, but when she looked at the clock on the wall, she was shocked to see over an hour had passed. Feeling shaky, she braced herself against the bed to stand. She looked over to find Esther doing the same.
The experience was beyond words and Kristina was left breathless. But she was left with something else, too. Something she couldn't quite make sense of.
&nb
sp; After easing herself off the floor, Kristina sat on a chair, her hands gripping the edge of the seat. Could what she was feeling be right? How could it? It didn’t make sense.
Confused, she opened her mouth to ask Esther what she thought, but stopped short when she saw the expression on the older woman’s face. The expression that told Kristina all she needed to know.
The feeling Kristina had was the same one Esther was experiencing.
And that feeling was this: it was time to let him go.
When Kristina slipped inside her little sister's hospital room, she found everyone inside, sleeping. Tamia looked just like she did when she use to curl up in the bed with Kristina when she was a girl. Pam sat at the side of her bed, her chin on her chest.
On the opposite wall, on the couch under the window, was Russell. Last she’d known, he’d been exiled from Tamia’s room, but she was glad to see something had changed. He and Tamia were going to need each other now.
They all would.
Kristina gently shook Russell’s shoulder. When he opened his eyes and saw her, an expression of alarm seized his face. He started to jump up, but she stopped him.
"It's okay. Everything's okay. But your mother wants you to join her and your father in the waiting room. She needs to talk to you."
Kristina could tell by the look on his face he sensed something had happened. She could also see he wanted to ask what it was.
Please don’t. I already told Omar and I still have to tell my sisters and I don’t know how I’m going to do it.
As if he’d heard her thoughts, he simply nodded and quietly left the room.
By that time, Pam was awake. She watched Kristina sit on the couch and studied her face.
"I heard you tell Russell everything was okay, but I know you better than that. What's happened?"
Kristina sank into the couch. She wasn’t ready to say the words again. Not yet.
"Let's wait for Tamia to—“
"I'm awake.”
Both sisters looked at Tamia, her face etched with fearful anticipation. Ready or not, Kristina couldn’t stall any longer.
Taking a deep and wearied breath, she stood and came to her sister's bedside. She didn't know how to explain it to them. She didn't know how to accurately convey what happened to her and Esther during their prayer session. So instead, she just told them what it meant.
"Esther and I have decided it's time to take him off the machines."
At first, the only sound in the room was the faint buzzing of the overhead light while Pam and Tamia stared at her in stunned silence. But after a few moments, Tamia began sobbing. Pam stood and put her arms around her as best she could.
"But I thought—“ Tamia choked on the words. "What about our miracle? You said we would hold out for one. You said he'd come through so much. That we couldn't give up now."
Kristina tried to swallow the lump in her throat, but failed. She wished there was some way she could make her sisters feel what she’d felt less than an hour earlier. Maybe it would make it easier for them to understand. But then she realized it probably wouldn't. Because she was there. Esther, too. And even they were struggling with it.
"I know, sweetie. I know. But Esther and I are sure it’s what we need to do."
Tamia sobbed even harder and Kristina returned to her seat on the couch. There was nothing she could say. Nothing she could do. She closed her eyes and tightened her fists in an effort to hold back the tears.
Please God, we need You. I don't know how we are going to do this.
She sat like that for the next twenty minutes, until Tamia stopped crying. Kristina knew it wasn't because her sister was hurting any less. If anything, she’d just run out of tears.
"When?"
Kristina opened her eyes to look at Pam.
"Tonight. Esther's two other sons have to get off work. And Omar has to make arrangements for someone to watch Chloe. Pastor Thomas is coming, too. We want to make sure Xavier’s surrounded by family."
Pam nodded and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
"We have a little time then. There’s something I want to do first. I'll be right back."
Pam left the room and returned a little while later with a sealed, brown cardboard box in her hands. She set it on Tamia's bed and motioned for Kristina to come closer.
"Is that…?" Tamia narrowed her eyes as she looked at the box.
Pam moved her hand over the top of it.
”Yeah. Kristina and Omar left Atlanta the moment we learned about the accident. I stayed to pack and make arrangements. I was on my way out when I saw this on the counter. I know we’d decided to throw it away, but I brought it. I don’t even know why. Everything mama ever gave us ended up causing pain."
"Not everything,” Tamia said, still staring at the box. "In a way, she gave us Xavier.”
“And maybe that’s the reason I kept it. It's been in the trunk of the rental car this whole time. I hadn't even thought about it until just now. But since we’re going to—“ Pam stopped and clenched her jaw. After a few moments, she continued. ”This meant enough to him to bring it all the way to Atlanta. I don't want to wait till after he's gone. I want us to see what's in it together and while he's still here."
Tamia looked at Pam, but Pam looked at Kristina, waiting for her approval. When she gave it with a nod of her head, Pam broke the seal and opened the box.
Chapter 19
Upon looking inside, Tamia caught her breath. Pam pressed her lips together, unable to stop the tears rolling down her cheeks. Kristina just closed her eyes and shook her head.
"Oh, mama…" She whispered.
The box was a virtual time capsule.
In it were pictures, cassette tapes, grade school drawings and dozens of little, crayon written notes.
Kristina reached in and pulled out the small scrapbook tucked next to a stack of Polaroid pictures.
On each page, was a photo of Xavier and a notation of some kind. On the first page was a picture of him at thirteen months, alongside a picture of Kristina at the same age. The caption read, Just as beautiful as she was at this age. And just as sweet, too.
Kristina’s heart felt like it would give out under the weight of all she was feeling. She’d never known her mother had pictures of her at that age. And that she’d thought she was beautiful? She wouldn’t have believed it if she hadn’t been looking at her mother’s handwriting with her own eyes.
"Look at that.” Tamia motioned at one of the Polaroids in the box.
Pam took it out and put it in her hand. In it, Xavier was grinning from ear to ear and holding up a magazine featuring Kristina and her third album release.
"She must've planned this from the beginning,” Pam said, removing the contents of the box, shaking her head. “All this time, I thought she’d intentionally kept him away from us so she could have him all to herself. But this looks like she never meant for him to remain a secret. She wanted to make sure when you learned the truth, you’d still get to experience all these memories. She didn’t make him her sole heir just because she loved him, she did it so we’d find out about him.”
"But why not just tell us?” Tamia asked.
Pam shrugged. “I knew her better than anybody, but still, I never understood her.” She exhaled. “Maybe she thought she was protecting him by keeping him in a family that loved God and kept him in church. Or maybe it wasn’t her plan and she only decided to share it all after she got sick. I have no idea. But I never would've guessed she’d done this. Not in a million years."
Throughout her sisters’ musings, Kristina remained silent. She flipped through the scrapbook, savoring every word and image of her son. The son she’d just met. The son she’d have to say goodbye to in just a few hours.
Tamia pointed to a cassette still at the bottom of the box. "What’s that?”
Pam took it out and read the label.
“Xavier. Singing Lessons. Age five.”
The words caught Kristina’s attention and she
looked up from the scrapbook. Tamia patted Pam’s arm and motioned toward the couch. Pam looked in that direction and wasted no time going to where Russell had left his knapsack and trusty Walkman. Returning to the bedside with the cassette player, Pam opened it, took out the cassette inside and replaced it with her mother’s homemade one. Then, she offered it to Kristina.
Kristina backed away and shook her head. As much as she wanted to listen to the tape, she wasn't sure she could. Not if she was going to keep it together. It would only remind her of all she’d missed and all she was soon to lose.
"It's okay, Krissi. We’re here with you." Tamia opened her hand and extended her arm to Kristina as best she could.
Kristina put her hand in Tamia’s and made two small steps toward the bed. She took a deep breath and reached for the headphones. Once she put them on, she nodded at Pam, who then pressed PLAY.
Jesus loves the little children,
All the children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white.
They are precious in His sight.
Jesus loves the little children of the world.
It was nothing like the singing lessons Kristina and her sisters had grown up with. There were no perfect harmonies, no yelling, no threats, no swats. Just her mother's joyful voice and her son’s slightly off-tune one.
It was a simple song. With a simple message. Being sung with love. Kristina would’ve given anything for just one moment like that with her mother. But whatever regret she felt was far outweighed by the joy it gave her to know it was a moment Xavier did experience.
And that was when the dam broke. All the sadness, the joy, the apprehension, the hope—it so overwhelmed her, she had to grab hold of the bed rails to remain standing.
Pam came from the other side of the bed and took Kristina in her arms. She rubbed her back and rocked her until she was once again able to stand on her own.
My Soul Is Satisfied (The Langston Family Saga Book 3) Page 9
