Kristina took off the earphones and dried her eyes. Her sisters stared at her with concern. "I'm okay." She reassured them. "I'm gonna be okay."
"I don't see how you can be." Tamia said.
"It's hard to explain. I mean, I'm sad. I'm so sad. But at the same time…" She shook her head, hardly understanding herself. "I'm grateful, too. I could’ve lived the rest of my life and never known him. Not that it would've been a very long one. I was hell-bent on checking out as soon as possible. But that didn't happen. I got clean. I reconnected with Omar. I have Chloe. It turns out we have a father! I mean, it hasn't been all bad, has it? And the truth is, I wouldn't trade the short time I had with Xavier for anything in the world. It might not have been much, but it was more than I’d ever hoped for."
Pam nodded and dabbed at her cheeks with the back of her hand.
"I want to be there. When they turn everything off. I need to be there."
Kristina half expected Pam to put up a fight with Tamia, but she didn't. Instead, she put her hand on Tamia's and said, "I'll talk to the nurses. One of them will know what we need to do to make that happen."
After Pam left, Kristina picked up one of the many pictures on Tamia’s bed and stared at the face of her son.
“I guess there’s nothing left to do now but say goodbye.”
Chapter 20
Kristina walked the halls of the hospital floor that had become their home for the last few days, until she found a quiet bank of seats with no one else around. She took out her phone and stared at it.
Yes, everything she’d told her sisters was true. She was grateful. Having Xavier in her life, even for the short time they shared, was an impossible dream come true.
And yet…
Kristina wrapped her arms around her middle and folded herself over on her legs. The ache in her chest left her hollow. She wanted to crawl into bed and stay there until it was all over. Better yet, she wanted to wipe the last few days from her mind and pretend they’d never happened. But, of course, neither of those things were an option.
In less than two hours, she'd have to say goodbye to the son she barely knew. And that was just the beginning.
Afterward, there'd be funeral arrangements and burial plans. There would be record label business and meetings about getting the tour back on schedule. She'd have to figure out how to mourn her now gone band members and dancers, while auditioning and hiring new ones.
And then there was Kristina, herself. How in the world would she be able to perform again? Even if she could find a way to get back on stage, she’d never be the same. Not after all the loss. Sure, the fans and the press and the label execs would give her a little understanding over the deaths of her band members, but their patience would run out. They’d eventually want her mourning period to end. They’d want her to be Kristina Langston, the songbird with the thousand-watt smile. How would she explain that that smile became impossible the day she lost the son they never even knew she had?
Kristina sat up straight and once again, stared at her phone. She navigated to the contacts and scrolled to the entry for David Bauer.
When she went into rehab, she’d erased all her drug contacts. She disconnected herself from anyone and everyone that had been a part of that life. Everyone except David. Of course, she had her reasons. David wasn’t actually a dealer. He was one of the producers on her last three albums and a friend. A very discreet friend who just happened to be a casual user himself.
Kristina glanced up at the clock opposite her on the wall. If she called him now, he’d be able to get to the hospital just after they turned off the—
Kristina shuddered. Just the thought of what was coming made her feel as if she were going to pass out. She needed help to get through it. Just a little bit. How much damage could one hit do?
The moment she asked the question, she knew the answer. But how else was she going to make it? She needed something or someone to hang onto, but who could help her when everyone else was in as much pain as she was?
Kristina wanted to scream. She wanted to throw her phone against the wall and make it shatter into a million pieces, but instead, she let it slide onto the chair next to her and buried her face in her hands. She felt as if her whole world was disassembling itself and leaving her with no place to stand.
"Please. Please help me,” she whispered. “Because if You don't, who can? Send a message, a sign, an angel—anything. I'm drowning. And I’m gonna be lost forever if You don’t pull me out.”
When Kristina felt the tap on her shoulder, she froze in place. She was almost too scared to uncover her face, but if God was going to answer her prayer that quick, she knew the least she could do was open her eyes.
And when she did, her heart melted.
Better than any celestial sign or heavenly being, the answer to her prayer came in the form of one little Miss Chloe.
"Can I sit with you?"
Kristina quickly dried her face with the edges of her sleeve and smiled.
"Baby, you can always sit with me."
Chloe climbed into the chair as she stole a few glances at Kristina. Kristina could only imagine what she must look like to the little girl. As hard as she had been crying only moments before, her eyes were sure to be bloodshot and swollen.
"I'm okay. I promise."
Chloe nodded, but didn't look convinced.
"Why are you all the way over here by yourself? Where’s your daddy?"
Chloe's eyes filled with tears. She looked down the hallway and pointed. Unsure of what Chloe's reaction meant, Kristina got up, held Chloe's hand and let the little girl lead her through a couple of turns and to the end of another hall.
Sure enough, Omar was there. And immediately, Kristina knew why Chloe had sought her out. As terrible as she must've looked, Omar was doing much worse. He’d struggled to be strong when Kristina told him about her and Esther's decision, but apparently, he’d finally been overcome with grief. He sat between Pam and Reiland, both trying to comfort him as he openly sobbed.
Kristina looked down at Chloe and when she saw the panic on her face, she knew what she needed to do. She took Chloe back to their quiet spot and sat her down. She wiped the tears from her face and looked her directly in her eyes.
"It's going to be okay, baby."
"But why is my daddy crying?"
"He sad. He's not hurt. Well, I guess he is hurting. On the inside. But he's going to be okay. It’s just gonna take some time.”
"Why is he hurting on the inside?"
"Because," Kristina paused, waiting until she could speak with a steady voice. "Because tonight we have to say goodbye to your big brother."
"Why? Where's he going?”
"To heaven. To be with Jesus."
"But I didn't get to see him yet."
"I know, baby. I'm sorry about that. And I know he is, too. He was really looking forward to spending time with you."
Chloe sat there, her tiny legs not even long enough to touch the floor, trying to comprehend matters that stumped adults.
Then, her voice a whisper, she said, "My mommy left, too. Daddy says one day I'll see her again, but I won’t. She told me she’s not coming back. But I didn’t tell him ‘cause I think it might make him sad."
Kristina didn't even know what to say to that. She wished she could gather Chloe up in her arms and rock all the bad things away. But as she wondered what in the world she could do to comfort the little girl, Chloe scooted near her and slipped her hand beneath hers. Kristina lifted her arm and hooked it around her, drawing her close. And when Chloe laid her head on Kristina's chest, the hollowness she’d felt before seemed to dissipate a little.
"Kristina?"
"Yes, baby?"
"Are you going away, too?"
She looked up at Kristina and the pleading in her eyes obliterated any need Kristina had for a hit.
"No, baby. I'm staying right here with you and your daddy."
Chloe nodded and a couple of tears escaped her big, brown
eyes. Kristina wiped them away and caressed her cheek.
"Don't be afraid, little one. I know it's scary seeing all of us grown-ups be sad and cry like this. But no matter what, remember our God is a big God. Bigger than you. Bigger than me. Bigger than any bad thing that can happen, okay?"
Chloe nodded, then snuggled into Kristina's side.
Kristina closed her eyes and offered up a silent prayer of thanks. Not only was He bigger than the pain, He knew just what was needed to relieve it.
Leaning over, Kristina picked up her phone and navigated to the contacts again. And when she got to David Bauer, she pressed DELETE without a moment’s hesitation.
Chapter 21
When Tamia noticed Russell hovering at her open door, she gave him a halfhearted smile.
“Hey.”
He returned her smile with one of his own.
“Hey.” He pointed to his knapsack. “I just need to grab my things.”
She nodded and he came in and headed straight for the couch. They hadn’t spoken since their fight. She was drifting off to sleep when she heard Pam tell Russell to come into the room earlier. Apparently, he’d nodded off while sitting in the hallway, so Pam told him to come in and take the couch. He tried to decline, but soon realized Pam didn’t make requests, she gave orders. Amid her drowsiness, Tamia let herself hope them being in the same room would make it easier for her to finally apologize. But then Kristina came in with her news about Xavier and everything changed.
“I’m sorry.”
Russell was on his way back out the door when Tamia blurted the words out. He stopped, but didn’t turn around. Tamia expected he’d simply nod and keep walking. It was what she deserved and she knew it. Still, she couldn’t help but hope and pray he’d give her more. So when he finally turned around and looked at her with the same warmth and tenderness he had a hundred times before, it was all she could do to keep from crying any more than she already had that day.
“I really am, Russell. I am so, so sorry.”
Russell closed the door and came to the side of her bed.
“Don’t be. It’s not necessary.”
"It is. Those things I said—“
“Were true." He pulled a chair closer and sat. “I didn't have any right to be here, especially after you’d asked me to leave. It's not like there was ever anything going on between us. But even if there was, I should have respected your space. You needed some time and I didn't give it to you."
His understanding made Tamia feel even worse. She wanted him to be angry at her. To give her as good as he got.
“I mean, what you’re going through? Physical therapist or not, I can’t know what that’s like. Not really.”
“But that’s no excuse for the things I said and you know it. Why are you trying to be so nice about this? Just say what you feel. I can take it.”
Russell sat back in his chair, his face grim. “I’m not sure you can.”
Tamia wasn’t either, truth be told. But she was willing. After the way she’d hurt him, she was more than willing to hear whatever he had to say.
“Try me.”
She saw his jaw clench and braced herself for what was to come. But no amount of preparation could have readied her for what he said next.
“I’m in love with you.”
Tamia’s mind went blank. She asked him to go ahead and verbally punish her for the loads of abuse she’d heaped on him and his response was I’m in love with you? She stared at the ceiling, trying to make sense of it all.
Russell exhaled. “See, I was right. You can’t take it.”
“I—“ Tamia tried to blink back the tears that welled up. “Why would you say something like that?”
“Why else? Because it’s true.”
“You’re so stupid.”
“Wow.”
She looked at him again, not caring about the steady flow of hot tears, now running unchecked.
“You’re stupid and blind. Look at me.”
He smiled. “I am.”
Tamia struggled to keep the anger building in her chest from affecting the tone of her voice.
“No, you’re not. Because if you were, you wouldn’t see girlfriend material. I may never walk again. And if I do, I’ll be in constant pain. Have you ever been around someone like that? They’re miserable, Russell. Not only that, I probably won’t ever sing again. It’s the only thing I’ve ever been any good at.”
Tamia trembled and the effort it took to keep from screaming was making her head pound.
“And that’s just after the accident. I was messed up way before that. There’s things you don’t know about me. Things you can’t even imagine. So don’t say you’re looking at me, because if you were, you wouldn’t even be sitting here right now.”
Russell waited until she’d caught her breath, until she no longer had to grasp the bed rails to keep from shaking. When she was finally able to regain her composure, he leaned forward and took her hand in his.
“If you’re done ranting and raving, I have something I want to say.”
She exhaled and rolled her eyes, but instead of kicking him out of her room, she replied, “Okay.”
“Despite your diagnosis of my problem, my vision is 20/20. I am looking at you, Tamia Langston. And what I see is all the things you can’t. I see hope. And I see opportunity for miracles. I see a smart aleck who makes me laugh. I see a talented woman who is more than her vocal abilities. I see a heart that’s tender and compassionate. And despite the anti-anxiety meds you have to take, I see that you’re one of the strongest and bravest women I’ve ever met.”
Tamia’s eyes grew wide with surprise.
Russell nodded. “Yeah, you try to hide it, but I saw you taking them. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn’t make you weak and it doesn’t mean you’re broken. And it doesn’t define you as a person, no more than singing does. There’s so much to you, Tamia. So much you don’t even see. But I do. And for all of those things, I love you. If that makes me stupid, well, I’ve been called worse.”
“There’s still a lot you don’t know.”
“I understand that. But has it ever occurred to you that all the things you think will make someone leave are the very things that would make someone love you more?”
“No.”
“Exactly. You know why? Because you don’t know everything. And sometimes you’re wrong.”
Tamia searched Russell’s eyes and found nothing but sincerity there. If she wasn’t already lying down, she would have needed to. Because for the first time in her life, she realized love was a possibility for her. The realization was like a thunderbolt that lit up the sky. Suddenly, everything changed. It seemed almost too good to be true.
“You love me?”
“With everything in me. From the toes of my Converse to the tip of my flat top.”
Tamia laughed and looked up at the ceiling as the joy of this new revelation washed over her. From the moment she met Russell, she’d liked him. But because she’d sworn never to be in a relationship, she pushed her feelings aside. Even when she found herself thinking about him more and more. Even when she found herself looking forward to seeing him as much as Xavier. No matter what she felt or how much she felt it, she shoved it away. It looked like it was time to do something about that.
"Why didn't you ever ask me out?"
Her question caught him by surprise and a few moments passed before he attempted to answer. Once he did, it was her turn to be surprised.
“You're out of my league."
"Don't say that."
”Come on. It’s true. I’m not rich or famous. And I'm not slick or good-looking like all the guys that probably come at you. I know that.” He shrugged. “Like I said, out of my league.”
She cut her eyes at him.“Well, I guess you don’t see as much as you think you do, Mr. 20/20. ‘Cause if you did, you’d know I've never been interested in slick or rich or famous."
"So what are you into?"
She raised her e
yebrows and bit at her lip.
“Out of style haircuts and electronics old enough to be considered antiques."
He feigned shock. "That's crazy because I just happen to sport a high flat top and really old cassette player."
"What are the chances?" Tamia said, smiling.
He took her hand again and leaned on the edge of her bed. "Seriously though. I don't have a lot to offer by way of big houses or fancy cars. But I'd follow you anywhere, through anything, for as long as I lived. No matter what. So if you think you could ever see yourself with a guy like me and decided to take that chance, I’d spend the rest of my days making sure you never regretted it.”
Tamia narrowed her eyes. “Does this mean we’re going steady?”
Russell laughed. “Going steady?”
“If I’m gonna be your girlfriend, I need to start using old-fashioned phrases and stuff, right? Maybe cut my hair in an asymmetrical?”
Russell covered his mouth with his fist and laughed out loud.
“Start dressing like Mary J. Blige and TLC back in the day. Or I could go old school for real and bust out a poodle skirt.”
“Okay, okay,” Russell said, still laughing. “You got jokes, but I don’t even care ‘cause I heard the word ‘girlfriend’ up in there.”
He shook his head and grinned so wide, she thought his face would break.
She sucked her teeth. “Looking like you won the lottery…”
“Better! Wait until Xavier finds—”
That’s when he remembered and every bit of joy was stripped from his face. Tamia could see him trying to fight it, the sadness that suddenly overtook him like a storm. He shifted in his seat and tried to smile again.
“He, uh… He was always saying, ‘Go for it, man. You two would be good together.’”
Russell’s eyebrows knit together and he cleared his throat.
"It's okay,” Tamia whispered.
He shook his head. "No."
"You don't have to be strong for me."
Again, he shook his head, clenching his jaw. "No."
"He was your brother…"
He kept struggling against the grief, but then dropped his head on the edge of her bed. She put her hand on his neck and listened as he wept. She wanted to comfort him. She wanted to say something that would ease his pain. But she knew there was nothing left to say.
My Soul Is Satisfied (The Langston Family Saga Book 3) Page 10
