Chapter 22
When Pam entered the room where they would gather to say goodbye to Xavier, she wasn’t prepared for how small and frail he looked in his hospital bed. To make space for all the family and to accommodate Tamia, he’d been moved to a much larger room and the size of it seemed to swallow him up.
Unable to move any further than a couple of feet into the space, Pam ran her hand along her chest and pressed down, hoping to relieve the tightness that seemed to constrict her breath.
“You all right, babe?”
Pam started when Reiland touched her elbow.
“I’m fine,” she said, her words coming out with more of an edge than she’d intended.
Reiland knew her well enough not to believe her, but before he could say anything else, Pastor Thomas came through the door. Pam and her husband moved further in to let him pass, but he stopped next to them.
“Sister Pam, I want you to know that, right now, there's a group of women down at the church gathered for the sole purpose of praying for this family. They plan on being there all night. And I hope you know that whatever you need, you can come to us. I mean that. Anything—you need only ask. I'll be here for as little or as much as you and the rest of the family want me. All right?"
Pam nodded and watched as he made his way to the other side of the room, where Esther and Kristina waited beside Xavier’s bed. How her sister was even functioning, Pam had no idea. Esther, either. But there they were, standing like two sentinels at either side of his bed.
Soon after the pastor arrived, Tamia was brought in. Immediately after that, Xavier’s brothers and Omar’s sisters arrived. As more and more people filled the room, Pam pressed farther and farther back, until she was tucked away in a corner near the door, as far from everyone else as she could get.
The air was so heavy with grief, she could hardly breathe it. And even with so many people in one place, the sound of the machines keeping her nephew alive were all she heard until Pastor Thomas cleared his throat, opened his Bible and read a passage. Which one, Pam wasn't sure. It was as if she were underwater and his words were too muffled to understand. Then he led the room in an old hymn Pam knew the words to, but couldn't bring herself to sing.
Around that time, the nurse came in and asked if they were ready. Esther said they wanted a few more moments to say their goodbyes. She nodded and stepped to the side as Xavier's brothers came forward first.
They were quiet and reserved, but it was clear to everyone in the room, their hearts were breaking. As they leaned over and whispered in their brother’s ear, Pam couldn't help but wonder what they’d been like when he was a baby. She imagined he must have been their little prince because, even now, they caressed his face and kissed his hands like he was just a child.
Then it was their father, Deacon's turn. The man approached the bed slowly, as if he were wearing shoes made of lead. As he looked down on his youngest boy, he swayed, causing his other sons to rush to his side. No sooner than they did, he broke down. What rose out of him must've been the most heart shattering sound Pam had ever heard. She had to close her eyes for a moment, just to be able to stand there.
After Deacon’s sons helped him to a chair, Pam saw people in front of her turn toward her. As they parted, she realized it was because Kristina and Esther were looking for her.
It was her turn.
Though the other mourners watched and waited for her to come forward, Pam didn’t move a muscle. She knew they expected her to go and kiss Xavier, tell him how much she loved him, say she’d see him on the other side. But she couldn't. It wasn’t a choice she was making, it was something she knew. She physically would not be able to do it.
Reiland must've seen the panic in her eyes because he pushed past the people between them to be near her.
"Don’t,” she whispered, her finger held up as a warning.
But still, he continued toward her. "Pam—“
“No.”
She tried to back up, but was already against the wall. When he was close enough, he reached for her hand.
“It’s okay, baby. We’ll do it together.”
"Don't!" She hit him as hard as she could in the chest. "I said no!"
Pam shoved her way through the people to the side of her and bolted out the door. She knew she probably looked like a maniac, but she didn’t care. Only one thing mattered, and that was getting out and as far away as possible.
Because when they turned off the machines and Xavier’s heart beat its last, she couldn’t be there to witness it.
Once out of the room, Pam trembled so violently she had to lean against the wall for support. But getting out of the room wasn’t enough. She knew what she needed and no one, not even Reiland, was going to stop her this time. She headed straight to the elevator and pushed the DOWN button. Just as the doors opened, she felt someone grab her arm and yank her back.
She turned, ready to bring hellfire down on Reiland for daring to follow her. She was ready to fight, make a scene in full view of the nurse’s station, if that’s what it took to be left alone. But when she whirled around, it wasn't Reiland standing there, but her father, Gerald. His eyes were wet with tears and the expression on his face was one of overwhelming love and compassion.
It nearly broke her.
“Don’t ask me to go back in there,” she whispered.
“Oh, baby," he said, running his hand along the side of her face.
His touch felt like she remembered it. His voice sounded just like when her mother had been especially hard on her and she'd gone to bed wondering why she didn't love her. He'd come home from work and find her in her room, awake, crying into her pillow. He'd rub her back and kiss her forehead and say, baby. He’d put his hand on her cheek and she knew that even if no one else cared, her father did.
"I can't. I can't say goodbye to him."
"It's okay."
Pam shook her head. "It's not. It's not okay. I should be able to do this. I need to do this. I need to be strong. For Tamia. For…” She bowed her head. “For Kristina. He’s her only son. I should be holding her up and I can’t even be in the same room.”
Gerald put his hands on her shoulders. "You can't always be strong, Pamela. You can't always be the caretaker Mahalia should’ve been. And you can't always be the rock I was supposed to be. It’s not your job, baby. It's too much for one little girl to carry."
Him calling her a little girl made something around her heart break. Something very cold and heavy, that felt like thousand-pound chains. Something she’d put up as protection many years ago.
"I am sorry. So very, very sorry that your mother and I put you in that position. But I'm here right now and I’m telling you, you don't have to be strong and you don't have to be brave. The world won't fall apart just because you can't hold it together. Hear me, baby. Let it go.”
The sob that rose from Pam sounded to her like it must've come from someone else. She tried to stop it. That’s what she always did when she was at her breaking point. She had to because, if she fell apart, who’d help put her back together?
It's why she started drinking. To stop feeling. It was only when she realized no one else would be able to keep Kristina from drugging herself to death that she decided to get sober. But now, that wasn't working out for her so well. Now, she was facing more grief and sorrow and anger and regret than she could deal with.
Gerald drew her close. “Lay it down.” He put his arms around her and though she tried to push him away, he wouldn’t relax his hold on her.
"You let go and let someone else hold on for a change."
Afraid, Pam struggled, but still, Gerald held her. And when she stopped struggling, he rocked her.
“That’s it. Lay it down, little girl. Just lay it all down.”
So she did. Every fear, every hurt, every ache—she laid them all down. And for the first time in more than thirty years, she openly wept.
Chapter 23
As Omar and his sisters stood at Xavier’s bed,
Kristina kept glancing at the door.
“Don’t worry about that now. Your father went after her. Just let God handle it. Be here. This is a holy moment.”
Kristina nodded at Esther and took her hand. The woman was right. This was a holy moment. Kristina was there when Xavier’s beautiful spirit came into the world and now, she’d be there when it returned home.
After Omar and his family said their goodbyes, the only ones left to do the same were Xavier’s mothers. They approached his bed, hand in hand, their faces covered in tears.
“You are a good son,” Esther whispered, her hand on his forehead. “The joy of our lives. I thank God for you. I believe we’ll see you again, but heaven knows I’m gonna miss you till then.”
Esther kissed his face and rested her forehead on his. After a few moments, she stepped aside for Kristina.
As she looked down on him, all Kristina could think of was that recording she heard of him singing with her mother. She realized then that, though he’d seen her perform on television and heard her voice on recordings, she’d never sung just for him. So she leaned down until her head was on his pillow and her lips were near his ear and slowly and softly, did just that.
Jesus loves the little children,
All the children of the world.
He sent me one that was a light,
Such a joy, he shone so bright.
Now with angels, he flies home
From this old world.
Kristina wiped the tears from her eyes and kissed his cheeks.
“Beauty for ashes. That was one of the lines in a passage I read in my Bible one day. And the first thing I thought of was you. You were my beauty for ashes.”
She rubbed her thumb along his hairline. “I thought my life was burned to the ground and there was nothing worth living for, then God gave me you. But you don’t have to worry about me. About any of us. He’s going to get us through this.”
She laid her head on the pillow next to his again.
“Thank you, my sweet boy. Thank you for loving me despite all my problems and imperfections. You’ll never know how much it meant to me.”
Kristina straightened up and took a step back so she was beside Esther. Again, they held hands as Esther nodded at the nurse, letting her know they were ready.
Kristina lowered her head so she wouldn’t have to see the nurse remove Xavier from life support. She slowly took in one breath, then another, as she concentrated on the words she’d been leaning on since it had all begun.
I can do all things through Christ...
I can do all things through Christ…
I can do all things through Christ…
God, please strengthen me.
The room grew quiet, the machines no longer doing their work to keep her son alive. The only sound for the next few minutes was that of the heart monitor’s faint beep, beep, beep… Kristina took a breath with each and prepared for the moment they’d stop altogether.
Then a sound came from Xavier, something like a gasp. When they heard it, everyone became still.
"It's okay,” the nurse assured them. “It happens sometimes. Air that's in the lungs escapes and it sounds like a moan.”
“Okay, but what does his lungs have to do with his eyelids?" Russell said.
The nurse and everyone else in the room turned to see what he was talking about. Sure enough, Xavier's eyes were open.
"Again," the nurse said, speaking patiently, as if to a young child. "It's a reflexive reaction. It doesn't mean he's conscious. It just means—“
As she was still speaking, Xavier blinked. Esther gasped audibly and stumbled back. The nurse, hearing this, turned from Russell and looked at Esther, and then Xavier.
They all waited for him to blink again. But he didn't.
“It can be somewhat disconcerting to witness, I know—“
The nurse stopped speaking and the family watched as her eyes grew wide. Slowly, she looked down at Xavier’s bed, where she’d rested her hand. Tapping on her wrist was Xavier’s index finger.
“Umm, what kind of reflex do you call that?"
The nurse watched Xavier and squeezed his hand. When he squeezed back, she yanked the remote with the call button and requested immediate assistance.
“I want to apologize.”
Pam and Gerald sat in the empty hallway, several feet away from Xavier’s room. Gerald waved his hand through the air, dismissing her words.
“No harm done. I knew you’d come around.”
Pam leaned back, her eyes narrowed. “You did?”
“Of course, I did. You and me was like this from the minute you were born.” He held up two crossed fingers. “Whether you can remember it or not, that’s not a bond easily broken.”
Pam took a deep breath. “I do remember. Some of it, anyway. I think that’s why I was so angry.” She rolled her eyes. “And now that I think about it, maybe that’s why I’ve always had a hard time trusting God. I mean, I knew He was supposed to be good. But good didn’t necessarily mean He’d be there when I needed Him, you know?”
Gerald exhaled and patted the top of her hand. “I’m sorry about that, Pamela. I truly—“
Gerald stopped talking when he noticed the sudden activity down at the nurses’ station. Pam turned to see what he was looking at and saw three nurses rush from behind the desk, followed by some residents, rounding the corner.
“Something must have happened,” Gerald said, under his breath. “Lord, intervene, whatever the matter is.”
Before Pam could voice her agreement, the doctors and nurses barreled into Xavier’s room. On reflex, she stood. And in a matter of seconds, a dozen different scenarios played out in her mind. Did Deacon have a heart attack? Did Esther collapse? Did Kristina—
Pam’s heart seized with fear. Suddenly she was back in that hotel ballroom, watching the paramedics speed past the open double doors, not knowing the life they were running to save was her sister’s.
Gerald gripped her arm and they rushed for the door. But before they got to it, it swung open and Justina ran out.
“I was just coming to find you! You need to get in here and see it for yourself!”
The once quiet and somber room was now filled with talking and laughing and praying and praising. Another group of nurses pressed through the crowd to have a look for themselves.
Xavier’s bed was surrounded by medical professionals, all making checks and giving each other statistics. His main doctor, Dr. Cho, the one who had told them Xavier was beyond all hope, came to Kristina and Esther, shaking his head.
“I can’t begin to explain what happened here. I don’t know that I even want to try. It doesn’t make sense.”
“It’s called a miracle,” Esther said, laughing, in spite of her tears.
The doctor shrugged. “Whatever it is, I would be remiss not to advise you to manage your expectations. The trauma to his brain was extensive. He’s not out of the woods. In fact, I can guarantee there will be brain damage. Only time will tell how severe. His speech may be affected. His thought processes, impaired. He won’t be able to do all the things he did before. He has a very long and hard road ahead of him. He’s alive, yes, but he won’t be the young man you knew. It’s important that you understand that.”
Esther patted his arm. “Thank you, doctor.”
The moment he turned away, Esther looked at Kristina. “That’s his diagnosis.”
Kristina nodded. “Like the song says, we’ve come this far by faith…”
“Amen.”
"Look!"
Kristina and Esther turned to see one of Xavier's brothers pointing at him. “His lips are moving! Do you see his lips moving?"
Although most of the medical staff that’d come in the room were gone, two nurses remained. The one closest to Xavier’s head leaned over and listened. Then she straightened, a puzzled look on her face.
"He's saying something about—“ She hesitated. “He wants to know whether you have been keeping up with your Bible
study."
The entire room erupted with laughter, hollering and shouts of praise. Esther dropped to her knees and cried out, while Kristina remained standing, her hands clasped and her head bowed. Despite their different reactions, both said the same thing:
Thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You.
Chapter 24
Two years later…
Ritz-Carlton Hotel
New York City
The Premiere Suite was 1,100 feet of pure luxury, overlooking the twinkling lights of Central Park and the bustling activity of Sixth Avenue. Its several rooms buzzed with activity as the groom, his groomsmen and the father of the bride prepared for the wedding scheduled to begin at dusk. It was wall-to-wall black tuxedos and platinum cufflinks. With one exception…
“Chloe,” Xavier said, turning his chin side to side and looking in the mirror. “Did you ever dream you’d have a big brother this incredibly handsome?”
Chloe covered her mouth with her hands, but it did little to stifle her giggles.
Russell shook his head and groaned, as he adjusted his bow tie.
“Here we go again… Look, while you ask the mirror whose the fairest one of all, I’m gonna head to the photo setup.”
Then turning and addressing the rest of the room, he said, “And y’all would be close behind, if you knew what was good for you. Monica’s wound even tighter than she was at the rehearsal.”
As most of the groomsmen filed out, Xavier held his hands up in mock dismay. “So...what? Nobody’s gonna mention how good I look?”
Chloe’s hand shot up. “I will! You look good!" Then she jumped up and down to display her enthusiasm. He turned around and gave her a high-five, before swooping her up in his arms.
My Soul Is Satisfied (The Langston Family Saga Book 3) Page 11
