What She Deserved

by A. L. Jambor

  "No, she must never know."

  After sharing a few more words, they hung up, and Mari stopped at the hardware store. She smiled when she thought about seeing Phil. She was stopping to see her boyfriend. She felt like a tween waiting at the stage door of a boy band concert.

  When he came out at six, he smiled, and Mari couldn't wait to tell him about her conversation with Birdie.

  Christmas

  Mari tapped her fingers on the steering wheel of the rented car as she and Phil sat in traffic on the parkway. They were on their way to Cassie's for Christmas and the traffic was terrible.

  The car was nothing like the car she'd driven to Cape Alden the year before. As she neared the anniversary of that terrible day, she kept thinking of Harry, and kept replacing those thoughts with other things. It was what her new therapist had told her to do so she wouldn't dwell on something she couldn't change, but today, as she waited for the cars ahead of her to move, Harry refused to be ignored. He kept appearing in her thoughts and she kept wishing him away.

  She still had bouts of insomnia and binge eating, but she was dealing with them one day at a time. Phil was helping her, too. He was finally over his anger at finding out that she had not only kept the knife, but had taken a spoon from Ginger, too.

  A couple of weeks after they started working at the network, Mari had told Phil about the knife and the spoon. He'd been hurt that she hadn't told him before and felt that she hadn't trusted him, and Mari assured him she would get rid of them as soon as she had them tested for DNA. She had then taken the knife and spoon to Dennis, the DNA specialist who worked for the show.

  "Do you think it's too old?" Mari asked about the knife.

  "Maybe. I won't know until I test it."

  "The spoon is from a woman who I think is related to the murder victim."

  "I'll see what I can do."

  She had been at her desk when the guy brought her the report, and Phil found out what she'd done.

  "I was able to take some blood off the knife," Dennis said. He was beaming. "It wasn't easy either. That was an old knife."

  "So tell me!" she cried.

  "I can't be 100 percent sure and I wouldn't testify to it in a court of law, but I think they could have been related."

  That was enough for Mari. When she told Phil the news, he asked her again to get rid of them, and she promised this time she would, she just didn't tell him where or when.

  "It will be good to see Cassie," he said as he looked at the pine tree strapped to the roof of the car next to them.

  Mari was preoccupied with the new project Kathy had given her. She was to go to England and research a manor house with a tragic past. Flying to Europe was on her mind and she didn't hear Phil talking to her.

  "And I bet Joey is bigger."

  Fear was mingling with excitement as she thought of flying over the ocean.

  "Mari," he said.

  "What?"

  "Nothing, I just wanted to see if you were awake."

  "Of course, I'm awake."

  He was smiling. She rolled her eyes.

  "I was just thinking about going to England."

  "There must be lots of ghosts over there."

  Mari saw ghosts all over the city, and they weren't as sweet as the ghosts in Cape Alden. She was learning to ignore them, and if that didn't work, she'd just tell them to get lost, but Phil was right. An old country like England would have lots of wandering souls.

  *****

  Cassie had worked the last Christmas so she was off for this one, and Joey was excited. He had picked out the tree and helped her decorate it, and he was eager to show it to Mari.

  "Will she look different?" he asked his mom as he placed another ornament along the bottom of the tree.

  "No," Cassie said. "She'll look like Mari."

  They had baked cookies and gone shopping for presents, and now they were just waiting for their guests to arrive. She always smiled when she thought about Mari and Phil being together, and she hoped the relationship would work out. She liked Phil, and she knew how hard it was to love Mari.

  As Mari turned into the driveway of Cassie's house, she saw the garage and felt a painful longing for home. It had been her home, a place she felt safe, and she missed it dearly. She stopped the car and looked at the second story window of Cassie's house. Fred was gone. Even he had moved on.

  They got out of the car and took the presents out of the trunk. Joey opened the kitchen door and screamed with glee. She knelt down and opened her arms so she could hold him.

  "You do look the same," he said. "I did the tree."

  "You did! I can't wait to see it."

  "Come with me." He looked at Phil and smiled, and then he took Mari's hand and led her to the kitchen door where they all went inside. Mari let Joey take her to the living room where Cassie was sitting on the sofa with her feet on the coffee table.

  "He heard you drive up," she said. She got up to greet her friends. "I missed you."

  They all hugged, and then Mari looked at the tree.

  "He said he did the tree. It looks pretty good."

  "He could hardly wait for you to come."

  "Put your presents here," Joey said indicating the bottom of the tree.

  They put the shopping bags down and Joey helped stack the gifts under the tree. Once in a while he would hold one up and ask if it was his, and Mari would nod her head. He put those on the side he had designated for his gifts. She got on her knees beside him, marveling at how tall he had grown, and stifled a laugh when she noticed his missing front tooth.

  They heard the mail truck stop outside and he got to his feet.

  "I'll get the mail," he said before running out the front door.

  "He's gotten so big," Mari said.

  "I had to lower the hems on all his pants. He's gonna be tall like his daddy."

  Cassie didn't sound bitter, but Mari knew how she felt about Joey's dad. She wondered if he had sent something extra for Christmas, but doubted it because he had lost his bid for lower child support payments.

  "Is your mom coming?" Mari asked.

  Cassie nodded. "She's coming tomorrow. So, how's life in the big city?"

  "It's great," Mari said. She got up and grinned. "We are going to England next month." Cassie lifted her eyebrows. "There's an old manor house that's haunted. The mystery has something to do with a murder, or murders, that took place in the 19th century."

  "And you can handle going all the way to Europe?"

  Mari nodded and looked at Phil. "He's coming with me."

  Phil was on the sofa and Mari sat beside him.

  "I've never been to England," she said. "From what I've heard, it can either be real easy, or impossible to find out what I need to know."

  "And you're okay with going on a plane and flying over the ocean?" Cassie asked.

  Mari put her arm through Phil's and held his hand. "I'm good. I'll admit I was afraid when they told me what I had to do, but this new therapist I'm working with is great, and I won't be alone."

  Cassie watched Phil's face as Mari talked. If he was overwhelmed by Mari's dependence, it didn't show.

  "What if you wake up the morning of the flight and you just can't get on the plane?" Cassie asked.

  "Why do you do that?" Mari asked. "Why can't you just believe I'm gonna be okay?"

  "Because I love you and I know you, probably better than anyone else." Cassie glanced at Phil. "Well, maybe not you, Phil, but you know what I mean, don't you?"

  Phil shrugged. "She's doing well. We walk all over the city and her hands don't shake."

  "But this is England we're talking about," Cassie said.

  "I know what I'm doing, Cassie. I'm good, really, believe me."

  "I believe you, Mari. I just worry is all."

  "I have to do this." Mari leaned her head on Phil's shoulder. "I have to prove to myself I can."

  "Okay." Cassie walked over to Mari and patted her hand. "I'll stop mothering you for now."

  C
assie went to the kitchen to start dinner as Mari and Phil looked at the ornaments on the tree. She smiled at the line that went across the bottom, the ones Joey had placed, and felt sad when she saw some of the others that reminded her of her mom's tree the last time she went home for Christmas. She still missed her mother every day.

  Joey came running into the living room with an armful of mail. Some fell to the floor before he got them to the sofa where he dropped the rest on the cushion next to Phil.

  "I think I dropped some," he said, running back outside.

  "Do you need help?" Mari asked.

  "No, I got it."

  He looked older now, and Mari felt sad. They grew up too fast, and just when you get used to them, they're gone and out on their own.

  Mari

  Cassie announced that dinner was ready and they all went to the dining room. Mari helped Cassie bring the food to the table and smiled when Cassie put the turkey in front of Phil.

  "My dad always carved the turkey," she said.

  She went back into the kitchen and Phil stared at the big bird. His father, too, had always been the one to carve the turkey, so as he picked up the carving knife and fork, he tried to remember where to start. When he was done, he had a plate of sliced turkey, and felt good. He'd done a pretty good job. He noticed that Mari was smiling.

  "What?" he said.

  "You did that just like that guy on TV."

  Phil blushed. "Thanks."

  "Give me the leg," Joey said. "That leg."

  "Please," Mari said imitating his mother.

  "Please that leg."

  He pointed to the one that had come off easily and wasn't shredded, and Phil put it on Joey's plate as the boy grinned. It covered most of his plate. Cassie saw it on Joey's plate when she brought the last serving dishes to the table and pursed her lips.

  "Now, do you really think you can eat that thing?"

  "I can, Mama."

  She smiled, sat, and then they held hands for the blessing. Joey said grace like a fiery evangelist and they all suppressed a smile. He ended his prayer with a hardy "Let's eat," and they did.

  As Cassie rinsed the dishes and Mari put the food away, Cassie asked Mari about her life with Phil.

  "How are things going?"

  "Good. They're good."

  "But how do you feel about him?" Cassie looked into Mari's eyes. "Do you love him?"

  "I don't know." Mari blushed. "I like him a lot. He's steady, you know, I can count on him."

  "That's all good, but I look at that man and I see he's in love with you."

  Mari's eyebrows met. "Do you really think he's in love with me?"

  Cassie dried her hands on a dish towel and put them on Mari's shoulders.

  "Yes, and I think you care for him, too. All I'm saying is that it would be hard on him, really hard, if you didn't feel the same."

  Now Mari bit her lower lip.

  "I really like him."

  Cassie sighed. "So, if he said 'I love you,' what would you say in return?"

  Mari walked away from Cassie and folded her arms over her chest.

  "I don't know."

  "So it's never come up."

  Mari leaned with her back against the sink.

  "Sometimes when we, you know, are in bed, he says it, but doesn't everyone?"

  "Not men, no, which is why I'm asking you about this. Phil is not the kind of guy you mess with, Mari. You can break his heart. Do you understand that?"

  Mari narrowed her eyes as she thought about Phil. What did she feel for him? He was kind, considerate, and always willing to do whatever she asked of him, but was that love?

  "I care for him. I'd never want to hurt him."

  "Then you'd better think about how you really feel."

  "It's hard. Sometimes I can't make sense out of my thoughts. This new therapist I found said that might get better, but that doesn't help me now."

  Mari started crying and Cassie came to her and hugged her.

  "I'm not trying to upset you. I just worry about you and Phil. I think you rushed into things and I want to protect you both."

  "It's okay, Mama. We get each other."

  Cassie pulled away and smiled. "I'm glad you do, because I don't get either one of you."

  Mari smiled and wiped away the tears, and Cassie put her hands on her hips.

  "Well, it's just me messing in other people's business again. If you two are happy, then I'm happy."

  After Mari and Cassie finished the dishes, the phone rang. It was the hospital. Cassie's mother had suffered a heart attack. The nurse told Cassie that her mom would be fine, it was a mild attack, but they were keeping her overnight.

  "You go," Mari said. "We'll stay with Joey."

  Cassie hugged her with tears streaming down her face. She pulled away from Mari, wiped her eyes, and went to the living room to tell Joey she had to go to work for a while.

  "But it's Christmas Eve!" he cried.

  "I know, and I'll come home as soon as I can."

  He looked sad as she hugged him and wouldn't let her go. She gently took his arms from around her neck and held his hands.

  "Mari and Phil are here. Now it's your job to make sure they have a Merry Christmas. I'll be back as soon as I can."

  Mari walked Cassie to the kitchen door. "What time does he go to bed?"

  "I usually send him to bed at nine, but if you don't mind, let him stay up for a while. He knows Santa won't come if he's awake so he will probably put himself to bed. The presents are in my bedroom closet. Please put them out if I don't come back tonight."

  Cassie hugged Mari again.

  "What will I do if something happens to her?"

  "Nothing's going to happen to her," Mari said. "She's gonna be fine."

  After Cassie left, Mari joined Phil and Joey in the living room. They were involved in an intense round of checkers and Phil was losing.

  "He's good," Phil said.

  They watched Charlie Brown and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and then Joey announced he was going to bed.

  "You can stay up longer if you want to," Mari said.

  "I have to go to sleep," he said. "You have to go to sleep, too. We have to be asleep or he won't come."

  "We'll go to bed soon," Phil said.

  Mari followed Joey up the stairs, watched him brush his teeth, and then tucked him into bed. She wondered how long it would take him to fall asleep as she watched him squirm under the covers. She kissed him goodnight and turned on his nightlight.

  "Goodnight, sweetie," she said.

  "Don't forget to go to bed," he said.

  She left the door ajar and went downstairs. Phil was dozing on the sofa, so Mari emptied the dishwasher. When she went back to the living room and looked at Phil, she marveled at the way things had changed in her life. She also thought about the past year and Harry, and how much better things were now that she had someone special in her life.

  She sat beside Phil and he put his arm around her. She snuggled his shoulder and sighed.

  "Merry Christmas," she said.

  "Um mmm."

  "Oh, shit, I forgot to put out the presents."

  She went upstairs and got Santa's gifts from Cassie's closet, put them under the tree near Joey's spot, and then she returned to the sofa where Phil lay sleeping.

  Cassie kept a throw over the back of the sofa and Mari put it on Phil before going upstairs to the guest room. She wondered about Fred, and even though she hadn't seen him at the window when they arrived, she was disappointed when she turned on the lights and he wasn't standing by the window.

  Mari hadn't seen any of her ghostly friends on her way to Cassie's, and she missed them. They had sustained her when she needed them most, so hopefully, their absence meant she didn't need them anymore, that she was truly whole.

  The next day, Cassie called to let Mari know she was on her way home, and Mari made Joey wait to open his presents. As soon as Cassie walked through the door, he was ripping the wrappings off each gift. He scr
eamed with joy at each one and kept saying "thank you, Santa," over and over.

  "How's your mom?" Mari asked.

  "She's good. The put a stent in one artery but the doctor thinks as long as she takes care with her meds and her diet, she should be all right."

  "That's good to hear."

  "I promised I'd take her home, so I have to go over there again this afternoon." She looked at Mari. "I'm so sorry."

  "About what? You couldn't know this would happen."

  "I know, but I invited you for Christmas."

  "It's okay. We're fine. Joey was an angel."

  "I'm taking him with me this afternoon so Mama isn't alone."

  "We can find something to do. Maybe we'll go to Atlantic City."

  Cassie gave Mari her spare house key before she and Joey left the house. Mari looked in her purse and then she and Phil left the house and headed to the boardwalk in Atlantic City.

  Mari

  Mari was surprised to see so many people strolling along the boardwalk on Christmas day. She hoped it wouldn't be a problem. Phil shivered as he got out of the car and glared at Mari.

  "It's freezing out here."

  She saw the look on his face and chose to ignore it.

  "Yeah, let's get this over with."

  They walked against the wind and Mari's face grew numb. Of course, Phil had a scarf around his, and ear muffs on his ears. They walked to the fishing pier and slid under the chain meant to keep visitors away.

  "If you had done this months ago," Phil said, "we wouldn't have to do this now."

  Phil noticed she was ignoring him, but he was right. She should have done this before they left Cape Alden.

  They walked to the end of the pier and looked at the water churning beneath them. Mari put her hand inside her purse and took out two plastic bags. She looked around again, and then held one in each hand. The first one contained the knife, Charlie's knife, and she held it to her chest.

  "Should we say something?" she asked.

  "We're getting rid of evidence," he said. "Not christening a boat."

  She sighed and smiled. Phil had his hands stuffed in his pockets and was rocking back and forth.

  "But for Celia," she said. "I was thinking of her."