Finding Elizabeth

by Louise Forster

  “How’s that possible? We live on opposite sides of the world.”

  “I’ll commute.” Jack shrugged. “I don’t see a problem.” Still shivering, he tucked his hands into his armpits and paced in her living room. “Christ-t I’ll never feel warm again.”

  “Strip and get into the shower,” Katherine ordered, shoving him towards her bathroom. “What does that mean: I’ll commute?”

  Jack stripped off his sweater, and yanked off his pants and thermals while Katherine turned the shower on.

  “Get in there and get warm!”

  “Y-you c-coming?” he asked, trying to smile.

  “No!” she gathered his clothes. “I’ll go and make you a hot chocolate, laced with something.”

  “Brrrrr, this country is not fit-t for human habit-tati-tion,” he shuddered.

  “Huh?!” Katherine groaned. “It’s obvious you don’t want to live here. And anyway, that’s asking a lot—a person would have to haul their sorry arse thousands of miles to another country where they don’t know anyone. I will have a job here, plus there’s the lodge, and most importantly, there’s my mum, Pierre, Leandra, Cynthia and Bubbles.”

  She left the bathroom, emptied his pants pockets onto the island bench and headed for the laundry. She shoved his clothes into the dryer, and wondered why; if he was going to commute, he’d better get used to being wet and cold.

  “I’m so pissed off!” she yelled and hoped he heard, though there was no reaction. Maybe he’d fainted with the rush of blood to his thawing limbs. She hurried to the bathroom and peeked in. She could see his silhouette through the misted glass doors. His hands were flat against the tiles and, head dipped, he let the water cascade over his athletic body. The urge to strip and join him was almost too strong. “Oh god. Later,” she whispered to herself and went into the kitchen. She grabbed a mug, dumped cocoa, sugar and milk into it and plonked it into the microwave. Blast it. A deeper problem niggled. What was it?

  “Kate,” Jack called out. “What have you done with my gear?”

  She collected his clothes and marched to the bathroom. Other than noticing his blotchy red and blue skin, she pointedly ignored his physique. “Here.” She shoved his clothes at his bare chest. “Your cocoa’s ready.” She took off to pace in the living room, and wondered what the hell was happening.

  Jack came out of the bathroom and, on seeing her, his eyes darkened. “Tell me what you’re thinking,” he insisted. “Is it Andrew you’re worried about? We can fix it. It’s not difficult, they were lovers. Your mother meant everything to Andrew; he just wants to make contact again that’s all.”

  “What would’ve happened if I hadn’t found the tin? I suppose Andrew would’ve wondered about Mum until he died. That’s so cruel. And why on earth did Dave think it might be Cynthia?”

  “The search came up with Cynthia and Leandra because dates and the lack of a father drew Dave’s connections to that conclusion. Cynthia and Ellie, or rather Margaret, dated Mike and Andrew respectively. Mike died in Cambodia.” Jack sipped his hot cocoa and continued with his story. “Cambodian villagers came across what they thought were corpses. Mike was dead, but when they turned Andrew over, he moaned. They carried him to their village, tended his wounds and fed him. They wanted to help Andrew, but for their own safety they had to hide him. They kept moving him around from one house to another and one village to another. They often changed leaders and guards, breaking the trail from one person to the next, thereby breaking the trail to Andrew, and keeping their own people as safe as possible. Somewhere along the way his papers were left behind in one of the villages. Afraid they’d be found, they burned them. Dangerous times in that area in 1973. They were in a hot steamy jungle, dodging bullets, landmines and deadly snakes. They risked their lives helping him.”

  “Andrew must feel indebted to them.”

  “Is this your way of asking what Andrew is like?”

  “Probably,” Katherine smiled.

  “It was difficult. Stay, and he endangered all their lives, including the children’s. Leave, and there was a chance of getting caught by the Khmer Rouge. Nevertheless, he thought leaving was the lesser of two evils. After Pol Pot’s death, Andrew went back. He made sure the villagers were okay, and helped them out by restocking their farms. He brought generators to the village, had new wells dug, and recently had solar power panels put up. He makes sure all the kids get an education. He’s heavily involved and loves it. He’s a top bloke, the best. Even if your mother doesn’t want anything to do with him, I have to tell Andrew Ellie has been found. I can’t keep it from him.”

  Her stomach tensed. How was she going to handle this? “It’s going to be difficult to imagine that I have a father I never knew.”

  “Difficult for me as well.”

  She gave him a what-would-you-know look. “How so?”

  “I’m dating my stepsister.” He raised his eyebrows and gave her a look.

  “Oh! Put like that it sounds so wrong.” Katherine shook her head. “And it’s not true: Andrew adopted you.”

  “Yeah, whichever way you explain it, it’s screwed.” Hands out, Jack shrugged. “Doesn’t worry me, but I can’t put myself in your place, Kate. And none of it’s easy.”

  “No, but I like your attitude.”

  He took her hands in his. “There’s something else.”

  “Oh—what now?”

  “I can’t imagine leaving you for a moment,” Jack said earnestly. “I want to be with you, always. Look at me, I’m a mess. The thought of life without you, and I fall apart.” His eyes fastened on hers. “I’d freeze my arse off, but I’d live in an igloo as long as I had you with me.”

  “That’s lovely.” She could see him warring with something. Mixed emotions twisted through his handsome face—sorrow, anger … guilt? Muscles above his jaw flexed. “What else?”

  “My mother died two years ago from old injuries. My … my father—not Andrew—often laid into Mum. He always used his fists, never hit her face. Find a woman with a black eye and people will point their finger at the husband. No, he was very careful when it came to hitting her; he’d go for the kidneys, the stomach, the ribs …” Jack buried his face in his hands and Katherine waited. He pulled his hands away and looked down at them, teeth clenched. “He hit her kidneys once too often. Mum knew I lived with the fear that I would turn into a monster like him, and everyday she would tell me how much I was growing and becoming more like Andrew, rather than my father.”

  “The mere fact that you’re worried proves you couldn’t be. Did you ever pull the wings off a fly, kick a puppy, bully kids at school just because they were weaker?”

  “No. Never entered my head.”

  “Right. You’re gentle. Everything about you is gentle. Your mum would know her son.”

  “Yeah, you’re right, she loved me and Andrew. He’s a compassionate man, kind and gentle. They spent hours talking, and naturally discussed old loves. Mum urged him to look for Ellie, your mother Margaret.”

  “What was your mother’s name?”

  “Grace Shepherd. Andrew and Mum married, and she became Grace Riley, a respected lady in the country town of Tumble Creek.”

  “How did they meet?”

  “One night, my biological father came home drunk and, because he’d lost money on the horses, he took it out on Mum. The beating was vicious. I was ten and I tried to stop him. He backhanded me. I went flying across the room, my head hit a doorjamb, and I slid to the floor. Blood poured from a gash on the back of my head. Enraged, Mum grabbed the nearest heavy object—a chair—and hit him over the head. Once I came around, we dragged him to the bedroom and left him. We quickly gathered clothes and some food. I didn’t want to take anything else. I didn’t want to see my broken toys and be reminded of the man who took a hammer to them. Mum drove through the night,” Jack smiled. “She had no idea where she was going, and I didn’t care. We finally ran out of petrol and stopped on the side of a country road. Early the next morning, we woke t
o a spectacular sunrise and a scene of green rolling hills, great stands of eucalyptus trees, and vineyards. It was so unusual for us to wake up to bird calls that we both laughed. We were standing in the sun, soaking up its warmth, when a car rattled over a cattle grid. I turned around and noticed the driveway with curved stone walls on either side. The car stopped, and a man got out to check his mail. He called out to us and asked if we needed help. My mother swung around too fast and doubled over in pain. Andrew Riley dropped everything and rushed to help. Next thing I knew, we’re in his house, I’m eating bacon and eggs, and there’s a doctor tending Mum.”

  “Is this what you meant the other day when you said we all have baggage?”

  “Yes—I was a desperate, scared, skinny ten-year-old. I wanted to help Mum, but I couldn’t.” He paused then added, “And I can’t change the past.”

  “God, what am I whingeing about. It makes my life look perfect.” She leaned in and kissed him.

  His brow furrowed, he was agonising over something to the point of shaking. “I love you,” he said as if his statement was something he suddenly recognised. “I love you.”

  Katherine covered her mouth with her hand, and through eyes awash with tears, she stared at him and said, “Gosh …!”

  “Gosh? That’s it … gosh?” He smiled, yet he looked stunned.

  Katherine couldn’t stop staring.

  “You’re scaring me, but I’m going to push on. What if I tell you that the distance between Canada and Australia is of no consequence to us.”

  “Really?” Katherine said, wondering if she sounded a little unhinged, which she hated. But heart pounding, she asked the all-important question. “Would you give up your life in Australia to live with me in Canada?”

  “In a flash!” His tone brooked no argument. “And in that igloo if I had to.”

  The look in his eyes was so powerful, she knew he meant it. A rush of blood flushed Katherine’s face. She stared straight into his challenge and understood that, for him, there were no obstacles.

  Katherine moved to her window and gazed at the city lights of Calgary. Could she happily offer him the same? The thought was as scary as hell. Australia was unknown territory, and far from home. Home, where everything was familiar, comfortable and safe. Was that what she wanted her life to be—safe? Was giving up her career safe?

  Katherine caught sight of Jack’s reflection in the glass as he cautiously approached her from behind. His strong fingers encircled her shoulders, and he pulled her back against his chest. She relaxed into him. His warm breath on her cheek sent a pleasurable tingle down her neck.

  “Katherine,” Jack said softly, “you’ve had a lot to deal with the past few days. Most of it’s sorted now. There’s nothing but happiness ahead for us. Days and nights of happiness … if you’ll have me? You have to have me, otherwise my life won’t work. Nothing will work. I’ll be a vacant blob,” he quipped, then turned serious. “I love you. All of me loves you.”

  A wonderful, beautiful man has just opened his heart and soul to you—speak, say something! “I—I can’t make any promises, okay?” Jack nodded. “All I know at the moment is I want to be with you. God, I miss you when you’re not around. But that’s all I’ve got right now. I’m falling in love with you,” Katherine whispered, “but I’m scared. Can you accept that?”

  “Sure I can.” He smiled. “It’s okay—but what’re you really scared of?”

  “I’ve led an insular life—practice, exercise, rehearsals, ballet, music and travel. Dating was way down the list. The few boyfriends I had quickly tired of me being away so often, and left. None of them made me lose my mind like you can, all the time. There’s no letting up—one of these days I’m going to walk straight into traffic.”

  “I can do that?” Jack smiled and pointed to his chest. “Me?”

  Katherine nodded. “Don’t let it go to your head.” She turned around, gave him a look and a raised eyebrow.

  “Come here,” Jack wrapped her in his arms and, comforted by his embrace, she relaxed a little. “You’re one hell of a woman.” He stroked her hair. “You okay?”

  “I’ll be fine as soon as I recover.”

  Jack laughed. “Will coffee help?”

  “Please, hot and strong!”

  He kissed her and went into the kitchen. “Okay, got the kettle.” He looked around. “Got the coffee. Mugs?”

  “Behind you in the overhead cupboard.” Katherine sat on one of her bar stools. “When were you thinking of calling Andrew?”

  “As soon as possible. Why?”

  “Let’s not make him wait any longer. Let’s do it now, and it will be off my mind as well.”

  Jack went around the island bench and kissed her long and tenderly. He pulled away, his breath ragged. Eyes locked with his smouldering gaze, Katherine softly laughed and purred, “Later …”

  “You’re on, just as soon as we’ve made the call.”

  Jack picked up his mobile from the island bench, sat on a stool next to her and began dialling. “What’s really going to blow him away is that he has a daughter.”

  “There’s something else: I need you to understand how difficult it is for me to think of Andrew Riley as my father. He’s a complete stranger to me, but I know we should meet soon,” Katherine said. “I don’t know when or where. I have nothing else to give him at this stage.”

  With the phone to his ear, Jack nodded. “I understand. Look, don’t worry about Andrew; he’s like the perfect egg, hard shell, but soft in the middle. G’day, Andrew, it’s Jack.”

  With the flood of adrenalin in her chest, Katherine’s breath caught. Jack touched her cheek before getting up.

  “Yeah … yeah, it’s all good. I have news. Are you sitting down?” Jack paused. “Ready? We’ve found Ellie.” He began to pace the way some men do to keep focused and to keep his emotions in control. “You did know her name was Elizabeth? Now that I mention … right … yeah it would’ve helped. There’s something else. You have a beautiful daughter, and her name is Katherine.” The noise coming through the phone was so loud Jack had to pull it away from his ear. He laughed. “Okay, Dad? Yeah, it’s fantastic.”

  Nerves and butterflies made Katherine’s breath quicken. She reminded herself that Henry would always live in her heart, and she determined to keep his memory strong. This debacle was no one’s fault. She asked herself what mattered most right now—her mum.

  She turned to Jack, the messenger, and smiled.

  “Yes, yes, Katherine’s right here.” He stopped moving and looked at her. “Just a moment.” Jack held the phone to his chest, his gaze earnest. “You don’t have to do this now. When you’re ready is fine with me, and Andrew. He understands.”

  Katherine shook her head. “It’s okay.” She held out her hand. “I want to talk to him.”

  Jack handed over the phone and backed away.

  She placed a hand on her chest. Her heart was pounding so hard it was a wonder no one heard. She took a deep breath. “H–hello. Yes, it’s me, Katherine.”

  “Katherine. I can hardly believe my ears. I never imagined that I … that you … You sound just like how I remember Ellie.” Andrew’s voice broke with emotion. He seemed determined to carry on and quickly pulled himself together. “I’m the happiest man on the planet. I’ve missed too many years through no one’s fault. I hope I don’t sound like a babbling old fool?”

  “Not at all. I know exactly what you’re saying.”

  “Would you mind if Jack took a few photos with his mobile?”

  “No, I don’t mind at all,” Katherine said. A handful of tissues appeared and she dabbed her face. “A moment please, Andrew.” She handed Jack the phone. “He’d like some photos.” Jack looked at her as if waiting for confirmation. “Go ahead, it’s okay.”

  Katherine tried to smile naturally, but strained would have to do. Andrew loved them and thought she looked just like her mum.

  Head to head with Jack, Katherine listened to Andrew.

  �
�Have to hurry,” Jack advised. “We’re losing the connection.”

  “Bye for now,” Katherine called out.

  “Bye. Hope … talk soon.”

  “God.” Katherine slumped until her forehead touched her knees. “I’ll have to explain to Mum that I spoke to Andrew,” she said, voice muffled. Slowly, she straightened. “This is getting all too weird; I have go back to the cabin.”

  “I’ll drop you off and head back to the chalet. I think I’ll get Lea and Dave to collect Cynthia and they can all come to my place; Cynthia doesn’t have a clue what’s going on. If that’s all right with you?” His eyes smouldered with a hint of devilish cheek that was an innate part of him.

  “I think that’s a good idea; everyone together, no more secrets. We can talk while you drive. Why are you looking guilty?”

  “I’m the messenger who started all this. I knew it would have a flow-on effect, but seeing it happen in front of you isn’t quite the same as imagining it.”

  “No, and the sooner I sort this out with Mum the better.”

  A waning moon hung low in the starlit sky, casting its pale light over snow, trees and homes, turning everything into shades of blue-grey. As they neared the rise on Mountain View Road, Katherine caught sight of the cabin. The lights were on and a wisp of smoke trailed out of the chimney. Her mum was home.

  A flutter of adrenalin caught Katherine by surprise. She told herself that everyone makes mistakes—though this one was pretty damn big. Still, she’d make sure her mother wasn’t feeling remorse for the choices she’d made out of love.

  Jack parked and hurried around to open the door for her.

  “Thank you,” she said and took his hand.

  “Don’t worry about time,” Jack said. “We’ll keep each other amused, tell bad jokes and bad ghost stories.”

  Despite her nerves, Katherine softly laughed.

  “I love you.” He kissed her, ducked behind the wheel of his car and drove off.

  Katherine took a deep breath and slowly breathed out. She opened the cabin door and found her mother curled up on the couch, a crocheted rug wrapped around her, and Andrew’s letters strewn on the coffee table.