Heartstrings

by Kelli McCracken

“Why are you here, Adam? What do you want from me?”

  “Who said I wanted anything? You’re the one who said I’m a figment of your imagination. If you don’t want me here, wish me away.”

  I snapped my head up. “I’ve enjoyed having you around until today.”

  “So what? Now that you know you have other people in your life, I’m not good enough?”

  “We barely know each other.” My words did more than erupt from my chest. They affected Adam. His eyes and nose reddened, and for a moment, I thought his lips trembled. He turned his back to me before I could confirm it.

  “You’re contradicting yourself. You say your mind created me yet you say we don’t know each other. It’s impossible. If I’m a part of you then I know you inside and out. I know what causes your chest to tighten. I know why your stomach knots. I even know why you can’t remember.”

  Granted, I’d mentioned my memory loss to him before. He’d witnessed my panic attacks, so he knew why my chest tightened. But I’d never mentioned the knot in my stomach. So he was right. I had created him, and I could wish him away if I wanted.

  But I couldn’t.

  “Something isn’t right. Even if I created you, it doesn’t explain your reactions. One minute you act happy to see me. Now you act like you’re hurt. I don’t understand why my mind is creating this nonsense. I thought I manifested you to work through my issues. I thought you were here to help.”

  His profile revealed the tension in his jaw. “So did I.”

  I turned away. God, I was messed up. I was tormenting myself with all of this for a reason I didn’t know. I couldn’t take any more.

  The mattress cradled my bottom as I eased down. I gripped the bedpost and leaned my head against it. Hadley had been right. I needed to rest.

  “I guess you’re right, Adam. I should just wish you away.” I turned to face him once more but stared at an empty room instead. One passing thought and he was gone. It was that simple.

  Only it wasn’t…

  ~ CHAPTER THIRTEEN ~

  The madness that transpired the prior day left me listless. I woke at least an hour ago, but fell back into a darkened haze. I was in limbo, caught between the reality of this world and a carnival of confusion in my dreams.

  It wasn’t a sound sleep I’d given in to. Some type of noise always brought me back to the brink of consciousness. Birds chirping. Soft footsteps. Appliances humming. It didn’t matter which. My soul was restless, but at the same time, trapped inside a shell that served no purpose. I longed for memories—memories that could end my existence if my reaction to them continued to be the same.

  Squeezing my eyes tighter, I did my best to stay in the darkness. Ignoring the world wouldn’t make it go away, but facing it didn’t get me any closer to what I needed. Peace.

  The mattress cradled my bottom. I felt weightless despite the heaviness in my heart. Why would God create such a pitiful excuse for a human being? I didn’t understand why I was going through this. My mother always said that God wouldn’t put more on you than you could handle, but I couldn’t handle this. I wanted to wave a white flag and surrender.

  The darkness beckoned me deeper. I chased after it, falling back into the pit of despair. Escaping it grew impossible. It was like a big muddy hole. The more you tried to climb out, the more you slid down the sides and caked yourself in mud. I couldn’t escape the desolation.

  Flickers of light played before me. I cringed at the thought of what it meant. More memories were pushing to the surface. As much as I wanted such a thing the prior day, the fear of what it would do to me increased. Yeah, maybe I didn’t care if I lived or died, but I didn’t want to die in pain or in fear. The flashbacks were beginning to scare me.

  Strands of black and gold swirled together. They expanded into a larger mass that attempted to take on a form. I struggled to see what it was, but instead of clearing into something recognizable, it continued to morph into other colors.

  My heart raced. What was this figure before me? I had the feeling that whatever was about to reveal itself would rip away the little strength I had left to survive. How much could one person take?

  “Jo?”

  The frigid, dark space in my mind began shifting. Heat caressed my skin, and the emptiness I’d submitted to began filling with light. Someone was pulling me back. The masculine voice touched my heart. Was it Adam? Had he gotten over the argument we had and came back?

  “Jo, can you hear me?”

  His voice rang clearer. I blinked my eyes, taking in the twilight haze creeping through the cracks in the blinds. A smidgen of hope entered my heart. I wanted to see Adam. I wanted to apologize for wishing him away.

  Fingers caressed my arm. I savored their warmth, finding the strength I needed to force myself awake. When I rolled to my back, a silhouette came into view. The early morning sky provided enough light for me to recognize the face in the darkness. But it wasn’t Adam’s. Of course not. I wouldn’t have felt his touch. Yet in his place sat another man who affected me in a similar way.

  “Pax? What are you doing here?”

  “Checking on you. Are you okay?” When I nodded, relief washed over his face. “Thank God. I thought maybe…”

  “Go on.”

  He cleared his throat as he turned his head toward the window. “That episode you had yesterday scared me. Then Brighton told me you’ve had a couple of incidents. He said you get so depressed you’re despondent.”

  Damn my brother. He didn’t want Paxton to be around me but now was giving him personal information about my behavior. What was his deal?

  Gazing at the hand Paxton had curled around my arm, I folded my other hand over his. When he looked down, I regretted my decision. I’d been so anxious to gain his attention that I didn’t think about exposing my injured hand. He stared toward the scars lining my fingers, and each second, my stomach did countless somersaults.

  Then he touched them.

  I sat up and jerked my hand away. My quick reaction had him on the defense. He drew his hand away while holding it in front of him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  “You didn’t. I just…” I curled my hand and lowered it to my side.

  “You’re ashamed of them. Aren’t you?” He huffed when I shrugged. “Don’t be, Jo.”

  “How can I not? I’m damaged.”

  “You’re not damaged. Those scars are battle wounds. You fought a courageous battle and survived. Don’t be ashamed of that, ever.”

  I nodded. There wasn’t much more I could do. Even if I agreed with what he said, I hated that I didn’t know what battle I’d encountered. Maybe if I knew, I’d be less embarrassed about my marred hand.

  “Jo, look at me.” He didn’t hesitate to lift my chin when I refused to listen. He couldn’t do anything about my eyes. I kept them lowered on his chest. Then he cupped my cheek. “You are beautiful, inside and out. You always have been.”

  “Be careful what you say, Pax. If Hadley overhears us—”

  “Girl, I ain’t telling you anything you wouldn’t know by looking in the mirror. You have other memories. You know the person you were. It’s the last six years you’re missing. Nothing I said counters that.”

  “I guess so.”

  “There’s no guessing about it.” He stroked my skin with his thumb and leaned closer. “I’m not telling you anything I shouldn’t. But I will say this. Any guy would be lucky to have you. You could have lost your hand and it wouldn’t change that fact.”

  My body felt as though it had caught fire. Paxton’s face was inches from mine. The heat of his breath warmed my skin, but it left me in a daze. My soul played tug of war when he was around. Part of me wanted him closer, the other part wanted distance.

  Desire won out for both of us.

  It was as if he’d read my thoughts when he lowered his head and pressed his lips to mine. They were soft, warm, and each time they swept over my lips, it jolted me. Paxton made me feel alive. I loved every delicious second. />
  Our mouths parted as he slipped his tongue inside and rolled it with my tongue. The sporadic jolts turned into shockwaves. My body was like putty. Good thing he wrapped his other arm around my waist. Doing so kept me snug to his chest and my mouth fixed to his.

  It only reaffirmed my suspicions from yesterday. There was more between us than friendship. If we weren’t an item before I lost my memory, we’d been on the verge.

  He hesitated a moment later. “I better stop. We can’t risk waking your nurse and having her catch us. The last thing I want is for someone to keep you away from me.”

  “Okay.”

  My voice was soft and raspy. I waited for him to ease away, but he didn’t. He gazed in my eyes then swept over my lips again. Our mouths worked together. His kiss grew deeper, more needy. So did mine. When he pinned me to the mattress, I didn’t resist. It felt natural. I’d kissed him like this before. This desire between us wasn’t new, but God, did it feel like it was.

  The heat of his hand left my waist. It worked upward, to my breast. He thumbed over my nipple, and I groaned. He captured the sound in his mouth and massaged my breast harder.

  Regardless of whether I remembered him, if he took this any further, I wasn’t sure I’d object. For the first time in weeks, I felt alive and free. Paxton made me feel a lot of things that I never wanted to stop.

  I loved the feel of his hands. One cradled my neck, the other roamed my body, pulling and grabbing me closer. If I couldn’t find peace, I’d settle for pleasure. There was no doubt in my mind Paxton could deliver the latter.

  My breathing labored when he broke the kiss and moved his mouth over my neck. I prayed Hadley wouldn’t come knocking because the thought of this stopping made my desperation worsen.

  I arched my body to Paxton’s. He rocked into me. I felt his hardness against my thigh. He needed me as much as I needed him. If he didn’t do something about it soon, I didn’t think I’d make it.

  Then Paxton backed away, and I died…or so I thought.

  His breath was heavy and strained. When he gazed at me, I fought hard not to beg him to finish what he’d started. But when he parted his lips to speak, I pressed mine tighter.

  “You have no idea how much pain I’m in right now. The last thing I want to do is end what’s happening between us. But I have to.”

  “Why?” My voice was barely above a whisper. It stirred something in Paxton because he leaned in again. Yet our lips didn’t touch. He rested his forehead to mine and sighed.

  “If I take this further, you’ll hate me when your memories return.”

  “I don’t believe you.” My hand cupped around his jaw. “I could never hate you, Paxton. You make me feel.”

  “Feel what?”

  “Just feel. Do you have any idea how numb I’ve been over the last few weeks? I’ve existed inside this shell. That’s it. Then you come along and rekindle the flame in my soul. How could I ever hate you?”

  “You will. I know you will.”

  When he pushed away, I wrapped my arms around his chest. “Is this about Brighton? I don’t believe what he says about you. I can’t. Yesterday, when I had that episode, it’s because a memory came back.”

  Paxton’s body stilled. “A memory?”

  I nodded. “I don’t know where we were, but I saw the two of you having an argument. It turned physical, and when I finally got close enough, I saw you lying on the ground. Brighton was above you.”

  He looked away. “Did you ever stop to think that what you witnessed was your brother defending himself?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t believe that. I saw his face. There was hate in his eyes. And yours were full of fear.”

  “Jo, you haven’t remembered everything. Please don’t make any judgments about your brother or me until you do.”

  His hands curled about my shoulder and he pushed me away so he could stand. I joined him as I grabbed my robe off the foot of the bed. “I know that neither you nor Brighton will tell me the truth even if I guess it. You can say what you want, but I know there’s more to that memory than what you’re saying. And I know that there is a hell of a lot more between us than friendship because I had another flashback yesterday.”

  “You did?” His face scrunched with confusion. “What about?”

  I sauntered closer. When we stood a few feet apart, I found the courage I needed to answer him. “I remembered a kiss. One we shared. It wasn’t some peck on the cheek or lips. It was the same way you kissed me a few minutes ago.”

  Paxton’s face grew ashen. “You remember kissing me?” When I nodded, he walked closer to the French doors. He crossed his arms at his chest and covered his mouth with his hand.

  It was the reaction that proved my suspicions were true. There was more between us. “This whole theory you have of you and I being friends is flawed. I believe we are friends, but I believe we mean much more to each other. You don’t kiss a friend the way you kissed me before…or just now.”

  “We’re not involved, Jo. As much as I wish it were true, we aren’t. You and I… It’s complicated.”

  “How so?”

  I waited for him to answer, but he averted his eyes toward the door. It didn’t stop me from pressing closer. Yet the moment I reached him, he spun around and faced me.

  “Listen, Hadley will be up soon. I thought I woke her when I snuck in, but I’ve been lucky to have this long with you.”

  The truth of his words was a cold reality I had to face. I glanced back at my nightstand to the decorative clock sitting atop it. Only five more minutes until seven a.m. Then Hadley’s alarm would sound at the turn of the hour and echo through the house. It would be less than ten minutes before she came knocking on my door, ready to start our morning session. I hated that my time with Paxton was almost gone.

  He stepped closer to me. “There’s something I need to give you before Hadley wakes. I was going to give it to you the other day. Then Brighton showed up and everything after that made me second-guess my decision.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out what looked like a post card. “I came by a week ago to see you but saw Brighton leaving. He dropped this card on the ground and I picked it up.”

  “Why didn’t you come to the door then?”

  “Because Brighton came back. He found me and told me to leave.”

  As I took the card from him, I flipped it over and read the print. “It seems as though I have an appointment with a Dr. Ives tomorrow. This is a reminder card.”

  I couldn’t believe Brighton had this. After finding out he’d been checking my mail yesterday, I questioned if he’d planned to give it to me. Even if he’d dropped it, he should have told me about the appointment. Did Hadley know?

  If I asked her, I ran a risk of her learning about the appointment and calling ahead to see what it entailed. If it were one of the doctors who’d treated me at the hospital, they’d been apprised of my condition and would know not to influence my memories. If it wasn’t…

  “I’m really sorry I didn’t come sooner, Jo. I wish I could go back and change it. I wish I could change a lot of things.”

  Stewing over the reality of what this meant, I forced myself to smile at him. He shouldn’t be the person apologizing to me. My brother had plenty of things to regret, and the list kept getting longer. Damn him. I’d had enough.

  Grasping Paxton’s arm, I applied pressure and squeezed softly. “How about I give you an opportunity to redeem yourself.”

  He looked at me with the biggest and deepest blue eyes. “Anything.”

  It was just the word I wanted to hear. If I worked this out right, I could spend time with Paxton and get answers to some of my questions. Even if it messed with my memories, I didn’t care. I wanted answers. I needed answers. And Paxton would be the person to help me get them.

  “Come back tomorrow morning at the same time. I need you to take me away from this place.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “To this appointment.” I waved the card in front of
him. “And I don’t want Hadley or Brighton finding out. At least not until I’m there.”

  ~ CHAPTER FOURTEEN ~

  Anxiety built within me to the point my hands grew damp from sweat. I drew in a breath, hoping to steady my breathing as much as my heart. It beat at a speed I didn’t recognize. For an instant, I felt as if I were back in high school, sneaking out of the house to meet Tommy Mason, my high school crush.

  I eased the French doors closed as I stood in the darkness of my backyard. It was a shame that I felt the need to sneak out of my own home at six-thirty in the morning. Granted, my appointment wasn’t for a few more hours, but if I waited until later, Hadley would question where I was going. Worse. She’d insist on going too.

  As much as I hated the thought of breaking her trust, I couldn’t include her in this. I wouldn’t get the answers I hoped to find. Paxton was the only person who wanted what I wanted. He proved that by giving me the appointment card.

  The morning air whipped about my face. It wasn’t as cold as it had been, but the air was still chilly enough that I needed to wear a coat. Once the sun came up, it would be warmer. Last night’s forecast called for spring temperatures today. Guess the weather was as crazy as me.

  Releasing a sigh, I hadn’t found the courage to step away from the doors. Instead, I listened for movement inside the house. Hadley would be awake soon. Though her daily alarm was set for seven, there were a few occasions when she woke before it went off.

  I prayed today wasn’t one of them.

  Before I could give it any more thought, warm hands curled about my shoulders. I spun around as a burst of adrenaline rushed through my veins. Fear filled me at the thought of being busted for my sneaky exit. Thankfully, I didn’t scream from the initial contact because the eyes staring into mine gave me comfort.

  “Pax, you scared the life out of me.”

  Even through hushed words my voice still trembled. He must have noticed because he caressed my arm and moved closer. The heat of his body embraced me, and I savored the feeling.