She heard Finn speaking as she approached his office and hesitated in the doorway. He spotted her and gestured for her to wait—it was only then that she realised who he was speaking to. She recognised Caro from her voice, and from the way that Finn was angling the phone, showing the screen to two giggling babies; it was clear that they were video calling again.
‘You’ll Skype me into the second-round interview?’ she heard Caro say as Finn began to wrap up the call.
Madeleine concentrated on repacking the twins’ changing bag, trying not to eavesdrop on Finn’s conversation with his wife. Ex-wife.
From the way the interview had gone, and the tone of Caroline’s voice, Josie was probably going to be receiving a job offer pretty soon, and that meant that she had to work out a plan for what she was going to do next. Once Finn had a nanny in place, he wasn’t going to want her living in his spare room. She’d known ever since she’d been made redundant that she was going to have to make big decisions, and her thinking time was almost up. If she didn’t act now, she was going to find herself running out of options.
Since she’d walked out on her university education, she’d gone from one precariously held flat to another. The only constant—the job that she despised—even that was gone now. She had nothing to show for her life, and nothing made that more clear than being in Finn’s office with his successful business and adorable children and his grown-up co-parenting.
So she had to think about Finn’s offer. Had to think seriously about whether university was what she still wanted. Whether journalism and politics were what she still wanted. Because, for the first time in for ever, she could actually choose what she wanted. Not what options were left to her. Not what she could afford, or which seemed to throw the least hurdles in her way. She had been given permission by the universe to make a fresh start. To be whatever she chose.
Was Finn one of those options? They had both been upfront about the fact that they didn’t want a relationship. God knew he had told her that enough times. Roughly the same number of times that she had said the same thing. But... But did she mean it? Definitely the first time she had said it, and the second. But she had been less and less convinced by her own internal monologue as the days had gone on.
More importantly, he’d made her see that no one was putting more restrictions on her life than herself. Now was the time in her life she could make a change.
Finn had told her that he would help her financially. If she was turning him down because of—what?—some need to do this without his help?—who was she hurting? Only herself. It didn’t make any difference to Finn or to anyone else in the world if she didn’t go back to university. The only person it affected was herself.
Didn’t she owe herself another chance? What else had she worked so hard for all those years? It didn’t matter how resolutely she’d tried to ignore her dreams, to pretend that they meant nothing to her, they weren’t going anywhere. Finn had seen them. He’d made her see them again too. To look at them straight on in a way that she’d been afraid to do for years. He thought they were worth fighting for. What did it say that he had read them so plainly on her face?
It said something unsettling. Unnerving. That she was so easy to read. Or maybe that Finn could read her easily—that wasn’t the same thing at all, and she knew which one was true. Finn understood her. He saw her. And she wasn’t sure where that left any consideration on her part about accepting money from him.
He hung up the phone and she crossed to the stack of CVs that they had left on his desk to remind herself of the next candidate. But the words swam in front of her eyes as she considered her next move. If Finn was serious about funding her, she had so many options that it was dizzying. Once, years ago, she’d looked briefly at the costs of going back to her studies and it had been beyond anything that she could dream of. Even a distance learning course would have left her hopelessly broke. But if she got a loan from Finn to cover her living costs, a student loan would cover her fees. She needn’t be entirely dependent on Finn. If she was going to take this seriously, she could apply for some of the grants and bursaries and scholarships that had been so overwhelming when she had looked before. If she really wanted to do this, she could start applying for them now, and do it all by herself.
When the knock on the door snapped her back into the room, Finn had a half-smile on his face that she didn’t have to work hard to interpret. She knew that her excitement was showing on her face, knew that Finn knew her well enough to guess what was going through her mind. But she wasn’t going to share. Not yet, when it was still so fresh and delicate and unformed in her mind. She’d share later, when she was ready, and she knew Finn wasn’t going to rush her.
And at that thought she was hit by a wave of desire for him that stole her breath and made her look away for fear that he was going to see exactly what swerve her thoughts had just taken. Because these feelings that she was having for Finn weren’t just a case of lusting after a pretty face. He’d had that face for years and she’d barely noticed it. It was about seeing the man he’d become—capable, successful, generous, kind—and desperately wanting to keep him in her life. And yes, the pretty face made these thoughts extra lusty, but the wanting wasn’t about the face or the body. It was about nurturing this connection. This feeling of seeing and being seen. About taking care of someone she absolutely knew would take care of her.
And those feelings were huge and hot and terrifying—and absolutely undeniable. Now that she saw the truth of them, it was hard to believe that she’d ever been able to ignore them. They’d burst to life outside his bedroom door the first night that she’d spent in his home, when he’d seen her vulnerability and stood by her side as she’d found her strength, and she’d been kidding herself ever since that these feelings were something she could ‘manage’.
These damn inconvenient feelings were about as far from manageable as she could imagine. But at least they were both agreed that they weren’t happy about them. Right now, the fact that Finn was fighting them as hard as she was was just about the only thing stopping her doing something really stupid.
The knock on the door from Finn’s assistant stopped that train of thought heading somewhere that would get them into trouble and she pasted on a professional smile as the next candidate was shown into the room.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THANK GOODNESS THE babies have gone down with barely a peep, Madeleine thought as she sat at the writing desk in her room and opened her laptop.
It had taken all her considerable willpower to get through the afternoon without a cheeky search on her phone to look at what loans and scholarships and grants were available for mature students. Now, with the kids asleep, she had all evening to research and start to come up with a plan.
An hour later she had a list of politics and journalism courses in London, application details for her shortlist, and every scholarship, grant and bursary that she could hunt down.
The next job would be finding somewhere to live. She had no idea how she would pay for a place yet, not until she’d found some sort of work, but she had to start trying to find somewhere. If she got into university, she could maybe get a place in a hall of residence but that would be months away, if she even managed to make it happen at all. And she didn’t have months. She needed somewhere soon. She pulled up a flatmates website to see what was available, and how much money she was going to have to come up with to survive the next few months. Maybe she would be able to find some freelance work just to keep her going until she had this university thing sorted. A house share might not need the same financial information and upfront deposits as renting a place on her own. It wasn’t ideal, but she wasn’t sure what else she could do right now.
She looked up at a knock on the doorframe to see Finn standing there watching her.
‘Just wondered if you fancy dinner?’ he asked, and she realised that she was starving. ‘What are you working on?�
� he said and she turned the laptop to show him, then frowned at the expression on his face.
‘What?’ she asked.
‘I didn’t realise you were looking for somewhere else already.’
‘Of course I’m looking. It’s great of you to let me stay but it was always the plan to find somewhere as soon as I could. Josie is great, so it seemed like you wouldn’t need my help much longer.’
‘That doesn’t mean you have to move out.’
‘I’m staying here to help you with the babies, Finn. If you have a nanny, then what would I be doing? It would be...weird.’
‘You could stay as Jake’s sister. As a friend.’
‘I think we both know that it wouldn’t be a good idea, Finn.’
‘Why not?’
Why not?
He knew exactly why not.
Which meant that he was asking the question because he wanted her to say the answer out loud. Well, fine, if he wanted to be reckless then so be it.
‘Because you like me, Finn. We both know it. The same way we both know that I like you. And if we stay here together under this roof much longer then one of us is going to do something that we regret. Saturday night already went too far.’
‘Saturday night was nothing,’ he said, though the expression on his face proved that it was a lie.
‘Well, it didn’t feel like nothing at the time. It didn’t for me and I don’t think it did for you either, no matter what you’re trying to tell yourself today. If it was nothing, then neither of us would be thinking about it, and I know I am.’ In fact, she wished she’d had a minute today when she wasn’t thinking about it. When her mind wasn’t drifting back to the feel of him wrapped around her. It was way too distracting. ‘I think the best thing for everyone is for me to find somewhere to stay and remove the temptation for both of us.’
‘You’ve no money; how are you going to find somewhere to rent?’
‘Wow.’ She stood up, planting her hands on her hips. If he wanted a fight about this then she was game. ‘Thanks for that reality check, Finn. It actually hadn’t occurred to me that I’m broke and screwed. Thank heavens you’re here to remind me. Nice swerve on the subject, by the way. Don’t think I didn’t notice.’
Finn walked over and leaned against her desk, and she took a step away from him sharply; she was cross and the last thing she needed was him getting close and distracting her. Finn took a step back too, and she hated that he could read her so well.
‘Sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude,’ he said, looking genuinely conciliatory.
She rolled her eyes and didn’t even care that it made her look like the stroppy teenager she was sure he must remember. ‘I’m just excited,’ she said. ‘Getting ahead of myself, I guess, looking at courses and student loans and bursaries. I want it to happen now.’
‘Don’t apologise for being excited. I should be the one apologising. So you’re thinking of going back to university?’
She smiled as she acknowledged to herself that she had already made the decision, and she wasn’t going to change her mind.
‘I’m going. I’ve been looking at courses, loans, scholarships. I’m sure I can do it. I just need to come up with a proper plan.’
‘I’ve already said that I’ll lend you the money,’ he reminded her.
‘And I’ve thanked you, and told you that I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking it. I want to do this myself. I got myself here. I’m going to get myself out.’
Finn frowned, reached out to brush a hand against her arm. ‘You didn’t get yourself here, though, Madeleine. Someone did something terrible to you. That’s why you’re in this situation and I don’t understand why you won’t let me help you out of it.’ He frowned at her, but she shook off his judgement. He didn’t understand what it was like to be in her position.
‘Because it’s uncomfortable for me, Finn,’ she told him. ‘Because these feelings that I have for you are uncomfortable, and the thought of owing you thousands of pounds makes me feel sick.’
Finn shook his head. ‘But you wouldn’t owe it. I wouldn’t expect you to pay me back.’
‘Don’t you see that makes it worse?’ She sat heavily on the edge of the bed. ‘Because then it would always be weird and I would never have the chance to make things equal between us.’ She stood up again, needing to do something with her body to get rid of this fizz of anxious energy. Finn crossed his arms and held her gaze, not backing down for a second.
‘You’re making a big deal out of this when you really don’t have to.’ Finn perched on the edge of her desk, crossing his arms as he watched her pacing. ‘It’s just money. It doesn’t make us unequal—you can take it without it meaning anything.’
‘I just can’t, Finn.’ She shook her head. ‘I need you to leave this now,’ she said. She had made her decision, and nothing he could say would change her mind.
He rubbed a hand on his jaw and shook his head. ‘Fine. I’ll leave it. But I’m not going to pretend to be happy about it, Madeleine. It doesn’t seem fair that I can owe you, but you can’t owe me.’
She rolled her eyes. This again. ‘I told you, you don’t owe me anything, Finn. It was my parents, and Jake, who were generous. I didn’t do anything. Anyway. We’ve talked this subject to death. If you want to help me talk through my ideas and come up with a plan, that would be great. If you’re going to bulldoze over my wishes and continue to insist on your own way then we’re going to fall out. Now, let’s change the subject.’
He looked as if he was going to go for one last argument, but then changed his mind. ‘Fine. Dinner?’ he asked.
‘Yes. I’m starving. I can cook or...’
‘Trudy left something for us in the fridge. We just need to heat it up. Do you want to eat together or—’
‘Of course we can eat together, Finn. I’m not planning on hiding in here. All of this is meant to be keeping us friends. I don’t want things to be awkward. I’m pretty sure we can still manage to eat a meal together without things imploding.’
‘Good. Then I’ll see you downstairs in ten?’
‘I’ll see you there.’
* * *
Finn checked the time on his phone again as he glanced towards the stairs. He was sure that once Madeleine was down here and they were talking again this anxious feeling would go. But right now, waiting for her to come down from her bedroom, he could feel his whole body on the verge of a twitch.
She was moving out. Of course she was. She had never really moved in because this was only ever a temporary arrangement. But seeing her browsing that site looking for flatmates—that had struck him in a surprisingly painful way. And he didn’t want to have to think about why it hurt. He just wanted to convince Madeleine that she didn’t have to rush into anything and leave in a hurry. He hadn’t even definitely decided if he was offering Josie a job. He couldn’t, not until Caro had spoken to her too. Madeleine was totally jumping the gun. She could stay as long as she needed.
Which meant this probably wasn’t about him hiring Josie at all. This was about the other thing that she’d said. The words that had made his stomach twist in anticipation. ‘We both know that I like you.’ He’d goaded her into saying it—he wasn’t stupid, he could see that. But he’d expected her to bring up what they’d said before. About chemistry. He hadn’t expected her to come right out and just tell him that she liked him. He hated that just hearing those words had fired his blood and it was now making it difficult to sit still. It was all so schoolboy.
But the words had hit him hard and he wanted to know more. He would die before asking if she liked him liked him. But he was desperate to know if she was thinking of him as often as he was thinking of her. If daydreams and fantasies made it as impossible for her to concentrate as it did for him.
He looked up at a sound in the doorway and was arrested by the sight of her in his home. How ha
d this happened? How had he found himself so undone by someone he had known for twenty years? Someone who until a few days ago had been a distant presence in his life. Someone he might kiss on the cheek at family parties but who otherwise didn’t have a place in his life at all. Until she’d moved into his apartment and his brain and hadn’t allowed him a minute’s respite ever since.
‘You like me?’ he said, and as the words left his mouth he knew how dangerous a move that was. He knew that one of them, or both of them, were going to end up getting hurt because he had no way of following this conversation through. Of taking this friendship to another level—taking it to where he really wanted it to go. He couldn’t risk a relationship. Couldn’t risk his life falling apart when he had so narrowly averted that disaster. He had lost his home once. He wasn’t taking his chances by making the same mistakes all over again.
Why was he even thinking about his divorce? He pulled himself up. No one had mentioned marriage. A relationship even. All Madeleine had done was tell him that she liked him and he was the one who had jumped all the way to the altar. It didn’t have to be that way. There was a middle ground between a kiss on the cheek and marriage—and it would never be enough for him, he realised. Watching her watching him, he was convinced that nothing would ever be enough where Madeleine was concerned.
He had never wanted like this. Even in those early days with Caro when he had been so sure that he was in love, what he had really felt was relief and gratitude and comfort, he realised now—that he had someone who had been born into the world of CEOs and OBEs that he had suddenly found himself trying to navigate. Someone who knew how to move in that world and stop him feeling like the poor kid eating at someone else’s table.
He could never escape that kid when he was with Madeleine. She saw him every time that she looked at him. And he didn’t mind, he realised with a jolt. That kid was a part of his story. He was a part of Madeleine’s story too. They both accepted that he had a place at their table. No point in either of them pretending that he didn’t exist.
Reunited by the Tycoon's Twins Page 11
