The Suffocation of Katie

by Glenna Maynard

  Why did I agree to this? Penny…right. She looks over and sees the panicked expression on my face.

  “You are thinking about him aren’t you?”

  I gulp gasping for air and I nod.

  “You’ll be fine. I promise Katie, this will be good for you, okay?” She is looking at me with sympathy and I hate feeling this way.

  “I feel stupid. I don’t know why something as simple as going to a concert has to be so hard Penny?” I must be the worst best friend, ever. She can’t take me anywhere.

  “Because you love him Katie. You always will.” She smiles weakly and fluffs my hair.

  “That’s what scares me Penny. What if I never get over him? What if I go my whole life missing him?” What if this is it…my life…spent wanting him…and never having him.

  “Who says you have to Katie?” She grabs my hand and leads me into the ever-growing crowd.

  We make it to the first stage. Some band I have never heard of is playing, and I find myself relaxing and enjoying their grunge sound.

  Penny has to go grab more flyers, so I wander to the second stage. I am minding my own getting into the music. I even find myself joining in on some of the chorus. A strong hand taps my shoulder and a familiar voice calls out my name, “Katie?” I cringe inwardly but put on a brave face.

  “Stewart. What are you doing here?”

  “Wow, I wasn’t sure if it was really you…you look amazing. You mentioned a concert and then I heard about this on the radio so I thought I would check it out.” His eyes rake over my body and I see a longing in his eyes that I never noticed before.

  “Thanks. I am actually glad you are here. I think Penny might have ditched me.”

  He wraps his arm around my shoulders and we walk around and check out the third stage and some of the booths.

  I feel a lot more relaxed and I am having a great time. It is exhilarating to enjoy music again. I check my phone to see if I have any missed messages from Penny but I don’t so I continue to walk around with Stewart. We grab a bite to eat, sharing some nachos from one of the vendors.

  I finally spot Penny near one of the gates when Stewart has to take a call.

  “There you are. I was beginning to think you were hiding from me.”

  She shrugs and smiles awkwardly.

  Stewart comes back from his phone call and Penny’s face falls when she sees him. If I didn’t know better, I would say Penny is acting sneaky.

  “Stewart what a nice surprise,” she lies quickly.

  I give her the eye and she pretends not to see the way I am looking at her.

  Stewart checks his watch. “Hey, mind if we go towards the main stage one of my favorite bands are getting ready to go on?”

  “Oh, which one?” I ask curious whom his favorite is that would be playing here today.

  “Uh, Stewart I need a HUGE favor.” Penny interrupts him before he can answer me. “I need your help getting a box?”

  “A box?” He questions and I give her A WHAT THE HELL look.

  “Yeah, so Katie go over and make sure you get us a good spot to see this band and we will meet up with you in a few minutes,” Penny states tugging on Stewart’s arm aggressively.

  I fight my way through the crowd gathering at the main stage. This band must be huge. Everyone is abandoning the smaller stages to watch whomever is getting ready to play.

  I use my pass to get around the massive sea of people. The security guard scans his eyes over his list and matches my name for safety purposes I suppose. He pushes his way through the people dragging me with him. We come to a stop in front of the stage.

  “Stand right here. You are tiny and I would hate for you to get trampled. If the crowd pushes on you too much, just signal, and one of us will pull you over the barricade.”

  Okays, so that is weird, but comforting at the same time. I look around for Penny and Stewart but they are nowhere to be found. I feel anxious. The excitement of the crowd is adding to my nerves.

  The crowd starts chanting but there are so many voices, I cannot make out what they are actually saying. My head is spinning.

  A blonde-haired woman in a red shirt comes out on the stage. OH MY GOD! It’s Penny! What in the hell is she doing up there? She scans the crowd and sees me and smiles at me. I give her a thumb up for encouragement, even though I am not sure what she is doing.

  She takes a microphone and clears her throat. “This next band is actually from our state, and my hometown. So it is with great pleasure I give you….”

  Don’t say it—don’t you dare say THE NAME Penny.

  “Cooper’s Religion!” She screams and I die all over again. How could she do this to me? My chest constricts and I feel all the air drain from me as, the color washes from my face.

  I try to turn to run away but I am trapped in the crowd. I might actually be dead right now.

  I slam into the chest of a large man. He smiles and says, “Wrong way.” He spins me around so that I am facing the stage again.

  The crowd roars shouting, “Cooper’s Religion!” They are all here for him. She set me up! I could kill her! My hands are shaking and my knees are trembling, threatening to buckle any second now.

  Jake comes out taking his seat behind the drums and I would never had recognized him. His long hair is now cropped short, but it looks good on him. I take a deep breath watching Hunter and Vance smile out at the crowd.

  Then I see him—Kai FUCKING Cooper, and I can’t do anything…a freight train of emotions slams into my chest. Pride, joy, anger, sadness, hope and dare I say love—floor me—literally…I am about to hit the ground in an emotional coma but Penny appears from out of nowhere and takes my hand in hers, squeezing my fingers hard. I look away before his eyes connect with mine. But I can feel him—his soul is screaming to mine. I am a boat lost at sea and he is the lighthouse calling my heart home.

  “Just breathe,” she says in my ear. My mind flashes to lying in his bed, those dimples that own my soul tug at my heart, as he says ‘Just breathe Kat.’

  “I can’t do this Penny.” I try to jerk from her hand but she grips mine tighter, her ring cutting into my flesh.

  “You need this and so does he,” she voices softly, her eyes pleading with mine.

  I am staring at the ground when the music starts, I cannot look at him…not yet. I close my eyes and allow myself to listen. My heart is jackhammering all the way in my ears.

  His harsh, throaty, tone wails into the mic, and I start to drown in my own tears.

  "I had a girl…she gave me everything and I threw it away

  I can still smell her on my sheets and feel her fingers in my hair

  God I remember the way she’d smile and it makes me wanna die

  One question…one lie…I knew she was done

  She took the knife and cut away half of my soul

  Watching her walk away made me wanna die

  I had a girl…Being without her makes me wanna die

  Would have married her and gave her everything

  She said we could never be

  I’d give anything to take it all back

  I would have told the truth from the very start

  But never means never

  Time doesn’t rewind

  She let me go

  Never means never”

  The crowd is going crazy all around me and I feel like I am trapped, unable to move as they all are moving in fast forward.

  He sings a few other songs and I can feel his eyes on me, but I still don’t even dare to glance at him. The music speaks to my soul. He’s good like really good. A part of me wants to climb up on stage and shove my tongue down his throat. Then the other part of me wants to run away from here as fast as I can and never look back.

  Not once did he ever come back for me or try to explain. Kai didn’t fight for me…he let me go too.

  “Killing me Katie

  Want you so bad Katie

  Your smile is my number one addiction

  Making you l
augh is my obsession

  You promised me wild horses

  Killing me Katie

  Want you so bad Katie”

  Hearing those words, I have longed to hear for so long my eyes pop open. My skin is on fire as I tremble and shake. Those green eyes that have haunted my every thought are bearing down on me. He looks older now. More like a man. His once smooth baby face now has a goatee and a mustache that almost hides the dimples that own me. He is thicker with more muscle tone defining his tall stature. His hair has grown a bit longer reaching his chin. My fingers ache to run through his silky strands.

  His body is making love to the microphone stand, as he moves around the stage, but his eyes never leave mine. His legs wrap around the pole the way they used to get tangled with mine. My thighs clench and my heartaches. Sweat trickles down the small of back…my body remembers every touch…every bite…every lick.

  If it were possible, for two people to hate fuck with their eyes that is what Kai and I are doing to each other right now.

  I lick my lips wishing his tongue were touching mine. His hips thrust and dear god I can almost feel him between my legs. Every fiber of my being needs him to put me out of my misery and just fucking touch me…something…anything. Dear god I need him!

  I am snapped from my Kai induced trance when Stewart taps my shoulder. I had forgotten he was even here.

  “You’re Kai Cooper’s regret aren’t you? You’re The Suffocation of Katie.” He looks at me expectantly with puppy dog eyes. I can only nod as my eyes fight and claw their way back to Kai Cooper and his hypnotic voice that is taking me prisoner. I briefly hear the words, “I never stood a chance,” muttered from Stewart.

  This is why I have denied myself anything Kai Cooper related for the past year I become so lost in him I forget to breathe because when we are together I don’t even need air. He is my air.

  And then he is gone from the stage. Ripped away from my eye line.

  Chapter 29

  That’s it after a year he has nothing to say to me? Nothing!

  “Come on.” Penny is tugging me forward. The security guard from earlier lifts us over the barricade easily. I am just going through the motions. I am still standing back there feeling as if I am in heaven and hell hearing his voice.

  I don’t even register where my feet are taking me, I feel so far away from my body. Why did Penny bring me here to bring me face to face with my pain?

  When I come to, I am walking up the steps inside a tour bus. I jerk my hand from Penny’s and start to turn away.

  “I can’t Penny.”

  “You can and you will. You need to see him and he needs to see you. You are both miserable. Whether you fuck or fight I don’t care, but I am sick of watching you waste away.”

  “Fine, I might actually be dead right now just so you know.”

  Vance and Hunter are sitting at a small table drinking beers. Their faces light up when they see Penny. She goes over and squishes herself between the pair. They are already fighting for her attention just like old times.

  Jake pokes his head out from a refrigerator. He smiles at me. “Hey Katie.”

  “Hey Jake. Been a while huh?”

  He gives me a hug.

  “Hey Katie,” Vance says looking devious. He scrubs his fingers over his dragon tattoo on his head. “Did you bring your purse?”

  “No why?”

  “Just thought maybe it was where you’ve been keeping Kai’s dick!” he starts laughing and I shake my head. Good to know he hasn’t changed.

  I feel another set of eyes on me. I look down the narrow hall of the bus. Kai is standing in the doorway of what I assume to be the bedroom. He isn’t wearing a shirt and he looks so damn sexy. It would be so easy to run straight to him and jump in his arms. He is staring at me his eyes mixed with desire, hurt and anger.

  Jake nudges me forward towards Kai. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want…what he wants. But my soul is screaming to be reunited with its other half. My feet move at their own accord.

  I walk slowly towards him. My chest is tight and my heart is burning with desire. I’m on fire. He just stands there staring at me. When I reach him, he doesn’t say anything. He swallows hard and I just want to reach over and touch him…something. I feel like I am dreaming and he may disappear.

  He reaches his hand up slowly fingering the pendant hanging around my neck and I might die. He smiles slightly popping his dimples out. He lets go of the diamond horse and trails his finger along my collarbone leaving a trail of fire behind his stroke.

  “You’re really here,” he finally says something.

  “Kai,” his name leaves my lips barely in a whisper for the first time in months.

  “I want to hate you, but I can’t.” he admits.

  Tears prick at the corners of my eyes.

  “You promised me wild horses Kat.”

  “I’m sorry…” my words are cut off by his.

  Three words that turn me into mush leave his lips. His voice comes out shaky. “Killing me Kat.”

  “Want you so bad Kai,” I say back, chocking on the words.

  His hands cup my face and then he whispers softly in my ear, “I am going to kiss you Katie, don’t kick me.”

  I can only nod as his mouth crashes down to mine. Our tongues tangle and mingle as we find our way to the bed. I don’t even know if he shut the door. I just know I cannot breathe, and I need him to suffocate the fire burning through my veins with his love.

  We kiss, touch and stroke each other for minutes or hours I don’t know. I just know that for the first time in a year, I feel at peace. I feel whole as his body lies here next to mine, our hearts beating fast, in perfect harmony, as they always have.

  “We need to talk Kat.”

  “I know, just being here…it scares me Kai.” I don’t know what he is about to tell me. What if he has moved on? What if there is someone else? My heart skips a beat. I don’t know if I can take hearing he has fallen in love with someone that isn’t me.

  “You don’t know how many times I have thought of this moment. I had this big idea of how I would scream at you and tell you that I hate you for breaking my heart. But this past year as miserable as I have been its been good too.”

  “I’m proud of you Kai. I am glad that you are living your dream, I knew you would do amazing things.” I am really proud of him. I want good things for Kai no matter what.

  His hand is resting on my hip fisting the hem of my shirt. He sucks in a breath between his teeth. The suspense is killing me. I have to know does he feel the same. I love Kai Cooper and I always will.

  “Only been one thing missing... Kat.”

  “What’s that Kai?”

  “The other half of my soul. And now that it’s here, I am not letting it go a second time.” He kisses me hard not giving me a chance to talk. His mouth devours mine.

  Penny knocks on the bedroom door.

  “Go away!” Kai yells at her.

  “Sorry but the bus is getting ready to go…so, I need Katie.”

  Kai looks at me with a panicked expression. I don’t want to leave him now. I can’t, it’s as though we haven’t spent the past year apart. Even though nothing has been discussed, I can’t walk away this time. My heart isn’t strong enough.

  “I need her more,” he says holding onto my shirt still.

  The band is headed to Texas for another show and then they are taking a two-month break before they are slated to record their second album. I don’t know what I’m doing, but when Kai asks me to stay on the bus with him I say yes.

  I don’t have anything with me other than the clothes on my back, but as long as I am with Kai, I don’t need anything more.

  Penny said she had a feeling I wouldn’t be coming home with her tonight, and she actually brought a bag for me. She has it in her car. Hunter brings it to the bus for her. He and Vance both tried to get her to come with us but she declined. I think they both were sad to find out she is now engaged.

/>   Penny squeezes my neck and kisses my cheek. “Katie I think you are finally where you are meant to be so don’t screw it up this time.”

  “How did you even make this happen?”

  “I had help from an old friend.” She looks at Vance and winks. I didn’t know they still talk.

  He grins and opens that stupid mouth of his. “I had to get Kai’s dick back. Every day I have watched him pine away wanting you and hating you. He is worse to be around than a woman on the damn rag.”

  “Thank you,” I mouth to Penny as she walks off the bus. The door shuts and Kai throws me over his shoulder like a caveman and carries me back to his bed while the guys whistle.

  “I guess I owe you an explanation about Khloe and Raven,” Kai says somberly bringing up what divided us in the first place.

  “Kai, I’m sorry for how I reacted. I just wasn’t expecting that ya know.” I wasn’t ready for the responsibility that could have come with his secret. I was scared.

  “Khloe isn’t my daughter. She is my niece.” He holds his finger to my mouth so I can’t interrupt. “Raven cheated on me with my brother. Hell, we really wasn’t even dating. We were just kids. It was the summer before ninth grade. I kept trying to get up the courage to approach you.” He wraps his pinky around mine.

  He squeezes my pinky hard with his. “Raven and I were stupid. It was the summer before ninth grade. We connected over music. I thought she really liked me. Some other girl had my eye, but she made me so nervous, I couldn’t ever get the courage up to talk to her.” He looks at me with sad eyes and I know he is talking about me. I’m the other girl.

  “Kirk had just graduated and I looked up to him so much. Raven started coming over a lot. He would pick her up and drive her home. That was the summer we found out he had a drug problem. Anyway it turns out Raven had a crush on Kirk. She had this big fantasy about how they would fall in love. She was just using me. Long story short, she slept with my brother one night when he drove her home. I didn’t find out about it until much later, when Raven told me she was pregnant. She told me her family threatened to put my brother in jail for statutory rape. I stepped up and said the baby was mine. Kirk doesn’t even remember having sex with her he was so out of it.”