Finding Fisher

by Dakota Madison

  “So did I. Let’s just say that I found out a lot about Franklin that I didn’t know. He also has a son.”

  Her jaw drops so quickly and so far I fear it might scrap the floor. “Seriously?”

  I nod. “And he was still involved with his son’s mother apparently. Intimately involved. I was the other woman. At least to the people in Old Town.”

  “There was a baby momma?”

  “She was in the car with Franklin when it crashed. They both died.”

  “Wow. I don’t know what to say.”

  I exhale. “You don’t have to say anything.”

  I run my fingers through my hair and try to straighten out the mess.

  “What did you do with that gigantic rock of an engagement ring?” Nicole asks as she grabs my hand.

  My eyes go wide as I pull my hand out of her grasp. “Oh, my God!”

  “What?” Nicole’s eyes are now as wide as mine.

  I gulp. “I left it in Fisher’s nightstand.” A wave a guilt rushes through me that I hadn’t realized the ring wasn’t on my finger a lot sooner.

  “And Fisher is the twin brother. The one you got busy with.”

  “That’s the one.”

  She shakes her head. “I just can’t believe that you, Miss Perfect-in-Every-Way, stepped into a quagmire like that.”

  “It was a moment of weakness,” I say in my defense.

  She raises an eyebrow. “Seriously? A moment of weakness? If it happened once, maybe I could buy it. But you just said you went back for seconds.”

  “And thirds,” I admit.

  Her eyes grow wide. “Wow.”

  “It doesn’t matter. Fisher has a life in New Jersey. I’m in California. It’s not like we’re going to start some long-distance romance.” I heave a sigh. “We’re completely different anyway.”

  “I guess there’s a reason they say opposites attract.”

  “Yes, there’s a strong attraction between us. But you can’t build a relationship simply based on attraction. There has to be more than that.”

  “Like?”

  “Compatibility. Shared interests. Parallel life plans.”

  “That sounds like an answer from a textbook.”

  I give a strained smile. “I have a lot of experience providing answers from textbooks. It’s the story of my life.”

  “So you’re saying you’ll only consider having a relationship with another future Ivy League lawyer like yourself. That’s the only type of guy you see yourself with.”

  “That would be ideal,” I reply, but I feel like I’m lying. My words don’t match the image in my head. All I can seem to think about is Fisher.

  “And what about chemistry?” Nicole continues her interrogation. “Sparks don’t fly between two people all that often.”

  I don’t want to admit that I never felt the sparks with Franklin that I felt with Fisher. Franklin was loving and kind. He was attractive and smart. On the surface he was ideal in every way.

  But he definitely wasn’t filled with passion. He didn’t have Fisher’s zest for life. And there was never any fire in the bedroom with Franklin the way there was with Fisher.

  “I just can’t think about him anymore.” I rub my temples. “I have to get Fisher out of my system and get back to my normal life as quickly as possible.”

  “Feelings aren’t like school assignments. You can’t just shove them in a binder because you think you’re done with them. If you don’t deal with them thoroughly and completely they’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it and wreak havoc on your life. Take it from one who knows from experience.”

  “I just need things to get back to normal,” I tell her.

  “Things never really were normal, Chloe. You just thought they were.”

  She has a point. I was living Franklin’s lies right along with him. “Then I just need to get through the end of this semester with my 4.0 GPA intact.”

  “Good luck with that.” She rises from the bed. “I’ve never even seen a 4.0 in my dreams. At the rate I’m going I’ll be lucky to graduate and earn my degree. Now if you’ll excuse me I have an honors thesis to slay and conquer.”

  As soon as Nicole closes my bedroom door I flop back down on my pillow and stare at the ceiling again. I know I should be studying. Or at least straightening up the mess in my room. But I can’t seem to muster the energy to do any of that.

  I pick up my cellphone and stare at it. How easy it would be to dial Fisher’s number. Calling him once wouldn’t be so bad, would it? Maybe it would help me get him out of my system.

  Before I can stop myself I dial his number. He answers before it seems like the phone has a chance to ring.

  “Buttercup. Is everything okay?”

  How could he possibly know I’m falling apart? “Not really,” I admit.

  “Tell me.”

  “I wish I knew what was wrong. I feel like I’m walking around in a cloud. And not a fluffy one either. A deep, dark cloud of despair. Nothing seems right anymore. I’m not sure how to explain it.”

  “Close your eyes,” he instructs.

  “Okay,” I agree as I close my eyes.

  “Where are you?”

  “Lying in my bed.”

  “Imagine I’m lying there with you. I have my arms around you. And I’m holding you tight.”

  I do as I’m instructed. I imagine his warm body against mine. And the faint smell of his soap and shampoo. And his strong arms keeping me from falling apart.

  It immediately puts me at ease.

  “Is that better?”

  “A little.”

  “Just a little?” He sounds disappointed.

  “Okay, more than a little,” I admit.

  “I know it’s not the same as me actually being there with you.”

  “Honestly, it helps just hearing your voice.”

  “Good.” After a moment he asks, “What took you so long to call me?”

  I laugh. “I didn’t want to bother you.”

  “I told you I’d always be here for you. I meant it.”

  “I know,” my throat starts to close and my voice sounds strained. Part of me didn’t want to accept that Fisher cares that much. That makes it a lot harder to let go of him.

  Then I remember the ring. “I left my engagement ring in your nightstand dresser.”

  “I saw it there,” he replies.

  “What were you planning to do with it?”

  “I wasn’t sure. Is it bad for me to say that I was glad you forgot it?”

  “Kind of. But I feel really guilty that I did. So maybe that makes us equally bad.”

  He laughs. “There’s no way you’ll ever be as bad as me. You’re perfect, remember?”

  “You say that because you haven’t seen me lately. I’m a complete mess.”

  “I’d love to see you messy. I think I’d like you even better that way, Buttercup. You need to let down your defenses more. It’s okay just to be human.”

  “Six more weeks. I just have to get through six more weeks of school.”

  “Okay,” he sounds unconvinced. “Aren’t you going to law school? That’s like several more years, isn’t it?”

  “It’s three years. And that will be completely different. I’ll be in another city. I’ll be immersed in my studies.”

  “If you say so.”

  “You sound skeptical.”

  “You’ll always be you and you’ll always have your mind, heart and soul with you wherever you go. You can try to outrun them, but it won’t work. They’ll always catch up to you. You can’t escape them.”

  “Now you’re starting to sound like my roommate.”

  “She’s obviously a wise woman.”

  I laugh. “She’s the original complete mess."

  “I talked to Tommy about Franklin’s stuff. He said he’d pack it all up for me. I also talked to the Dean of Students. He’s going to take care of everything else. It sounds like they might award Franklin’s degree posthumously. That will make my mom ha
ppy.”

  “How is she doing?”

  “She has good days and bad days. Right now still more bad than good. But she’s trying to hold it together for Jackson. The little guy is tough though. He can handle a lot.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to him.”

  “He thinks you’re beautiful. And I happen to agree. And he asked when I’m going to kiss you again.”

  “Maybe I shouldn’t have called…”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “I have no idea what we’re doing. You’re in New Jersey. I’m in California…”

  “Right now we’re just talking. Isn’t it okay just to talk?”

  “I guess so.”

  “Good.”

  “Now close your eyes and tell me something about you that I don’t know. The first thing that pops into your head.”

  I exhale. “I don’t know.”

  “I said the first thing that pops into your head. I know you’re better at following directions than that.”

  “Fine. I always wanted a dog. Ever since I was a little kid. A small white one. But my parents wouldn’t allow any animals in the house. They said that dogs are too dirty. Both of my parents are fanatical about cleanliness. It’s no surprise where I got my obsession with being clean. They never allowed me to play with anything that could possibly make a mess. No paints. No clay. Nothing with multiple pieces. That pretty much left books. So I spent most of my childhood reading.”

  “So you never played outside in the mud? Never made sandcastles? Never built a fort in the woods?”

  “God, no. I could sit in our garden and read or listen to music, but touching dirt was completely off limits.”

  “And what about the beach? Touching sand was off limits too?”

  “Absolutely. Shoes had to be worn on the beach at all times.”

  “One of these days I’m going to get you to splash right in the middle of a gigantic mud puddle. And I’m going to get you on the beach, barefoot, and we’re going to build a huge sandcastle together.”

  “That sounds…filthy.”

  “I can’t wait to get you muddy. And sandy. You’ll be my dream girl.”

  I cringe at the thought of being Fisher’s dream girl. Or playing in the mud and building sandcastles with him. Those things imply some kind of future together.

  That’s not the way to get over someone.

  But I can’t deny that just hearing his voice and talking with him again makes me feel good. It’s the best I’ve felt since I left Old Town—and left Fisher.

  “I should probably let you go. I know you’re busy.”

  “I do have to pick up Jackson in a few minutes. But I can phone you back. If that’s okay?”

  I hesitate for a moment. This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. I didn’t want a long distance thing.

  But for some reason I tell him to call me anyway. He sounds happy and I feel relieved. It’s like the dark cloud hanging over me is starting to dissipate and I can finally breathe again.

  ***

  Over the next ten days Fisher phones me every night and we talk for hours. I like that he’s okay with telling me stories about him and Franklin and the trouble they got into when they were kids. He tells me what he remembers about his father and how hard it was for their mother when he died.

  The more he tells me about his life the more I feel my heart open up to him. I know I shouldn’t fall for him. But it feels inevitable somehow.

  And I give up trying to resist it.

  Then one night he doesn’t phone and I momentarily panic. I’m sure it’s fine, I tell myself. He’s probably just busy with Jackson.

  But when I try to phone him and he doesn’t answer I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  I lost Franklin. I can’t lose Fisher too. It would be more than I could handle.

  I try not to panic. I leave a message on his voicemail and ask him to call me as soon as he gets the message.

  Then I wait.

  And think about calling again.

  And wait some more.

  I try to study, but it’s pointless. All I can do is worry about Fisher.

  When my cellphone finally rings I grab it. “Fisher?”

  “You sound upset.”

  I take in a deep breath and try to calm my frazzled nerves. I don’t want to tell him I thought the worst. “You didn’t call like you have been. I was worried.”

  “I’m sorry, Buttercup. I didn’t have phone service for a while.”

  “Why not? Where are you?”

  He laughs. “Right outside your door.”

  “That’s not possible.” Is it?

  When I open the door Fisher is standing there. And he looks good. And not just because I’ve missed him. Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but it doesn’t explain how much hotter he looks.

  He’s making my knees weak.

  “Surprised?” His eyes twinkle with mischief.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I came to give you this.” He reaches into his pocket, removes my engagement ring and hands it to me. “And to sort through Franklin’s stuff.”

  “Would you like me to help you?”

  He looks at me like I’m nuts. “Of course I want your help. What kind of question is that?”

  I shrug. “Just checking.”

  “But this is the most important reason for my trip.” He leans over and gives me a kiss. “My lips missed yours.”

  “You know you can’t just fly here every time you want a kiss.”

  “Says who?”

  I place my hands on my hips. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  He pulls me close and reclaims every inch of me with his mouth and hands.

  We both freeze mid grope when we hear a throat clear.

  “I don’t mean to break up the party,” Nicole says. “But you’re technically still out in the hallway and the front door is wide open.”

  Neither one of us seemed to notice that we’re not actually in my apartment yet.

  We step inside and I do introductions.

  “You look nothing like Franklin.” Nicole looks Fisher up and down.

  “We were identical twins.”

  “But you’re all muscular and you’ve got this country boy thing going with the worn jeans and the boots. Franklin always looked like he just stepped off of a golf course or was getting ready to run for political office. You look like you just beat the shit out of someone at a country bar.”

  Fisher laughs. “That has been known to happen on occasion.”

  “And I actually stepped foot in a country bar,” I interject. “If you can believe that.”

  “I don’t blame you. I’d follow this guy anywhere too.”

  The three of us stand in the living room in awkward silence for a few moments. Then Fisher says, “Why don’t you show me your bedroom?”

  “And I’ve got a thesis to work on,” Nicole says. “I don’t want to keep it waiting.”

  I take Fisher’s hand and lead him into my bedroom. I expect him to start where he left off in the hallway, but instead he examines all of the knickknacks and framed photos on my dresser and bookshelves.

  “See anything interesting,” I tease.

  “Everything is interesting.” He picks up a framed photo of me and my parents. “They look intense.”

  “They’re high powered celebrity lawyers. They have to be that way.”

  As he places the photo back on my dresser he asks, “Did you ever think of doing anything else? I mean other than being a lawyer?”

  I shake my head. “You know how kids have play kitchens or play school houses or even play villages with train sets? My parents built me a play law firm. My Barbies were custom made. They wore power suits and carried brief cases. They were lawyers and paralegals.”

  Then he picks up a photo of me and Franklin. We were both dressed up for an evening at one of the most expensive restaurants in town. It was the night he asked me to marry
him.

  “You look gorgeous in this white dress.” His eyes meet mine. “Not that you don’t look gorgeous all the time.”

  “You’re just saying that to get into my bed,” I tease.

  He places the photo back on the dresser and closes the small distance between us. “Do you have any idea how much I missed you?”

  “It’s only been a few weeks.” I’m not even sure where the words came from because I missed him to.

  “A few weeks too long.”

  I make a point of placing the engagement ring in a jewelry box and closing it in my top dresser drawer.

  He gives me a sly grin then lifts me into his arms and carries me to my bed. His eyes don’t leave mine as he places me on the bed and joins me.

  When he kisses me again it’s almost like we’ve never been apart. There aren’t just sparks between us, we’ve already ignited a raging fire. Things happen so quickly that I barely have time to register our clothes taking flight and eventually landing all over my bedroom floor.

  My entire body aches to reconnect with Fisher’s. But my yearning doesn’t last long.

  “I need to be inside you,” he whispers.

  I give him a seductive little smile. “What are you waiting for?”

  I didn’t think sex with Fisher could get any better, but I was wrong. Absence may make the heart grow fonder it also made Fisher’s desire for me grow tenfold. He completely and utterly consumes me like a hungry lion.

  And I have to admit I’m a bit of a hungry lioness as I devour him too.

  ***

  “You need pancakes,” Fisher says as I wipe the sleep from my eyes.

  “How long have you been awake?” I ask. When I glance over at the clock on my nightstand I notice it’s only eight in the morning.

  He shrugs. “A few hours. Must be the time change. I think my body is still on New Jersey time.”

  “Were you just watching me sleep?”

  He nods.

  “For a few hours?” I know I sound incredulous.

  “And I was thinking.”

  “About what?”

  “Everything.”

  I laugh. “Everything is a lot to think about. You’ll probably need more than a few hours for that.”

  “After I feed you we should probably get over to Franklin’s place and figure out what to do with his stuff.”

  “I’ll call Tommy just to make sure it’s okay.”