Fault Line

by Christa Desir

  “Where did you learn to talk like that? I don’t even understand what you’re saying,” I said.

  “I’ll give you some pamphlets and contact information for support groups of partners of survivors before I leave, but please think about what I’m saying. Ani’s confused and overwhelmed right now; you don’t need to add to that.”

  What could I say? Nothing she said made much sense, but she was probably right about Ani being overwhelmed. And it was clear that Beth thought I was being a selfish prick. Even though I’d only asked one question. But didn’t I have a right to be? What the hell had gone down at that party?

  I took several deep breaths. I needed to man up and forget what Kate had told me for a little while so I could be there for Ani.

  “Yeah. Okay. I got it. Just give me a second here.”

  Beth nodded and pointed out the men’s room at the end of the hall.

  I walked numbly toward it and locked the door when I got inside. I slid to the ground and rubbed my eyes with my fists. Fuck. I banged my head against the door. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I banged again and again. I rolled my neck on my shoulders and finally pulled myself off the floor.

  10

  Beth waited for me outside Ani’s door. She didn’t ask any questions, just gave my shoulder a small squeeze. So she was semihuman after all. She opened the door. We shuffled in and I tried again to relax my fisted hands. Ani was staring at the posters on the wall while Kate spoke in hushed tones on the phone in the corner. She hung up when I walked in and gave her a look, pointing to Ani.

  Kate moved closer to the bed. “I told your mom Ben picked you up from my house this morning after the sleepover. She’s pissed you aren’t answering your cell. You’re gonna have to call her soon.”

  Ani nodded but didn’t say anything. I stepped forward and traced the line of her cheek. She flinched for a second, but then closed her eyes and leaned into my hand. The part of me that had felt so empty from the moment I got Kate’s phone call started to fill with warmth.

  “We’ll get through this, baby,” I said, and stroked her hair.

  She looked up at me with her big eyes brimming with tears, and I sat down on the edge of the bed, afraid my legs would buckle under the weight of her sadness.

  “I don’t remember anything. I had two drinks, maybe three. They must have been really strong. I didn’t eat that much beforehand so maybe it was that. Kate said I was saying crazy things, but I swear, I don’t remember any of it.”

  I leaned into her and she clung to me, silent tears falling on my shirt. Hers and mine. I brushed them away and wrapped my arms around her as gently as I could.

  Beth pulled out a binder she had with her and handed me a piece of paper, which I ignored and put on the small table next to Ani.

  “There’s a possibility that Ani was given date rape drugs.”

  My head whipped up. Beth pointed to the sheet on the table. I picked it up and looked at it: GHB, Ketamine, and Rohypnol—What You Need to Know about Date Rape Drugs.

  “Date rape drugs? Like roofies?”

  Beth nodded. “The doctors are doing a drug screen for them, but I should tell you drug screens frequently turn up negative, even if they have been used. Most date rape drugs don’t last in the system very long, and since this happened to Ani last night, we may not find out for sure.”

  I glanced at the descriptions and effects of the various drugs. My body sagged in momentary relief. Roofies would explain a lot: her kissing some other guy, her talk about hooking up with all of them, her blackout, her inability to remember what happened.

  Kate stepped toward me. “I don’t think she got her own drinks but I’m not sure. The guys were bartending for a bunch of people. They might’ve made Ani’s.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “I heard one of them say something to his friend like ‘We’re gonna love this ride’ when he was going upstairs with her.”

  Puke coated the back of my throat. My eyes whipped around the room to focus on something other than Ani’s devastated face. Her tree necklace hung from a knob on the side table drawer. I reached out to touch it, but Ani snatched it away and squeezed her hand around it. Her eyes shut tight and her head kept swiveling back and forth in denial.

  I grabbed Kate’s shoulder. “Why you didn’t fucking think to stop them from taking her upstairs?”

  Kate looked down, but Ani answered, reaching out for me and tugging me closer. “It wasn’t her fault. They didn’t drag me upstairs. People saw me go. Kate told me I went with them willingly. That I wouldn’t listen to her. That I said I was going to . . .” Ani choked on the words and my stomach clenched. She took a deep breath. “It’s not Kate’s fault. Leave her alone.”

  Beth ignored the tension in the room and continued, “Whether date rape drugs were involved or not doesn’t really change much. Ani still doesn’t know the identity of the perpetrator.”

  “We can find out,” I said, my mind already racing to ask Kate who she recognized from the party.

  Beth stared at me for a beat and raised her eyebrows. I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded. She went on like she was reading from some sort of rape survivor script. “Although the police are investigating the party, chances are, they won’t pursue it.”

  “What? Why the hell not?” I shifted my position and Ani winced. Beth frowned at me and I tried to relax.

  “The police will look into it. They might ticket the parents of the kid whose house the party was at for contributing to underage drinking, although they tend to threaten that more than actually doing it. But if Ani doesn’t want to testify about the sexual assault, then they’ll abandon the rape kit and move on. Even if she does want to go forward, the state’s attorney may not pursue it in court. Either way, it’s their decision. They tend to go after things they can win and there are many unknowns in this case. I don’t mean to sound negative, but this is the reality of the situation. Regardless, it is Ani’s decision how she wants to proceed,” she said, focusing on me.

  I clamped down on my tongue and tasted blood. Ani laced her fingers in mine. I stared at her. I’d never seen her look so tiny before. Her chin trembled a little when her gaze met mine.

  “It’s over. I’m done.” She sounded so broken. I squeezed her hand too tight, willing the pieces of her back together, trying to fuse them with mine. “I don’t want them to pursue it. I need to go home.”

  11

  “I’m taking Ani home,” I whispered to Kate.

  Beth was going over paperwork with Ani. Her voice droned on and I wondered if she’d done this hundreds of times before or if this was her first time and she’d memorized all the things to say from a book. Ani stared at the pamphlets before her, not even registering what Beth pointed to, and pulled at the sleeves of the hospital gown. She dropped her necklace onto the sheet next to her.

  “I don’t think that’s the best idea,” Kate whispered back.

  “Why not? Her mom thinks she’s with me.”

  “You’re not exactly in the best shape to drive right now,” she said, pointing to my clenched fists.

  “Back off. She’s my girlfriend, I’m taking her home. You’ve done enough.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” she hissed. Her skin was flushed and her usually straight black hair looked like a bird had nested in it.

  I shook my head. “Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything. I don’t blame you for what happened. This is on me. I should’ve been there. I just . . . I want to take her home.”

  “Ben . . . ,” Kate started, but I held a hand up. I looked toward Ani. She was staring at us, but she didn’t seem to have heard anything we said.

  “I’ll take you home, baby,” I said, and stepped closer to her. She shifted back slightly and a hole formed in my chest.

  She slid off the opposite side of the bed and gathered her clothes to her chest. I pointed to her abandoned necklace. She pick
ed it up and dropped it into the trash. I opened my mouth to say something, but the dagger eyes from Kate and Beth stopped me.

  On the way home, I glanced at Ani every few minutes, but she wouldn’t look at me; she stared out the window with her fingers moving up and down, tracing the patterns of the crosswalks we passed. Beth had given her sweatpants and a T-shirt from a bag she had with her. She said most rape survivors have their clothes taken for evidence so she always brought extra clothes to the ER. The clothes were way too big for her, and made Ani look much younger than seventeen.

  “What are you going to tell your mom?” I asked to break the silence.

  “Nothing.” She didn’t look at me. Her fingers continued to move up and down.

  “What?” I swerved my Jeep to the side of the road. The car to my left honked and I laid on my horn in response. Ani touched my wrist, and my hands returned to gripping the steering wheel.

  I pivoted and shifted her to face me. “Nothing? You’re not going to tell your mom anything? Ani, she’s gonna know something is wrong. Those aren’t even your clothes.”

  “I’ll tell her I barfed on my clothes last night and had to get some extra ones from Kate.”

  “What about for your follow-up appointment? The doctor said he wanted to make sure you were healing.” I swallowed back bile as I said it and hoped Ani didn’t notice the disgust on my face. Why would someone have chosen to leave a lighter in her?

  She turned from me and leaned against the window. “I can go by myself anytime. The doctor and Beth said I didn’t have to tell my mom. I can drop by the clinic connected to the hospital to have them check my stitches. There aren’t even that many. It was a little tear.”

  I took her wrist and tugged her so she had to look at me. “But why wouldn’t you tell her? You tell her everything. She could help.”

  She pulled her hand away from me and swiped at a few tears forming in the corners of her eyes. “No. No way. She’d freak.”

  “Why would you say that?”

  Ani bit her bottom lip. It was so dry and chapped, it bled a little. She swiped her hand over her mouth and the red streaked her thumb. She licked her lips and looked at her lap. “One time when I was six, my cousin masturbated in front of me and she went ape shit. She totally cut all ties with that side of my family and then she and I had to go to crappy family therapy for nine months.”

  I recoiled. “What? Wait, what happened?”

  Ani shook her head. “It was stupid. My fourteen-year-old cousin locked me in the bathroom with him and then got off while I watched.”

  “God, Ani, I’m sorry. I don’t . . .”

  She placed her hand on mine. “The point is, my mom flipped about it and we had to go see this idiot psychologist who asked me a bunch of stupid questions and had me play with toys. Then Gayle pretty much hijacked the rest of the sessions, talking about what a shitty mom she was and how she couldn’t do anything right. By the end, I spent most of every session trying to make her feel better about it all and she hadn’t even been the one to see my cousin’s dick. It sucked and I’m not going through it again.”

  “This is hardly a cousin masturbating,” I argued. I blinked away the image of a young Ani being forced to watch a guy jack off. It was too much. I couldn’t handle it.

  “Still, how do you imagine a conversation with my mom going? ‘Hey, Gayle, I screwed around with an unknown number of guys at a party where I got drunk, danced like a slut, and announced to everyone within hearing distance that I was gonna hook up with all these dudes.’ I’m sure she’ll be superproud of me after that. And she definitely wouldn’t somehow turn it into another reason for a Gayle pity party. Ha. Pass.”

  I flinched and shook my head. “That’s not how last night went.”

  “How do you know?” she practically yelled at me. “Were you there? Because I was and I don’t remember any of it and Kate was, and apparently, that’s exactly how it went.”

  “Someone probably slipped you a roofie. You heard what Beth said, it might not show up in your system, but it could still have happened. That wasn’t really you doing all that stuff.”

  “Oh, really? Did someone else get a surgical procedure this morning to have a lighter taken out of her vagina? Because I gotta tell you, it sure felt like it was me.”

  I started to shake. I rolled down the window so some of the cold autumn breeze could get into the car. The air was thick and itchy on my skin. I couldn’t concentrate. Pieces of the conversation from the hospital echoed in my head. I looked at the plastic bag that sat between our seats filled with pamphlets about STDs, rape trauma syndrome, date rape drugs, and a handful of morning-after pills Ani was supposed to take in twenty-four hours. Somewhere in the bag was Beth’s organization’s name and a crisis hotline phone number on a card. She’d pressed it into my hand as we were leaving and told me that both of us should reach out to someone when we were ready.

  I leaned my head against the wheel and turned to Ani. “I’m sorry, baby. I should’ve been there. I’m so fucking sorry.” It was the only thing I could choke out.

  She was in my arms then, sobbing. Her anguish racked her body, and she clutched at me like I was the only thing keeping her above water. I squeezed my eyes shut so no tears would fall. I brushed my hand over the rough fabric of her T-shirt and pulled her more tightly into my lap.

  “We’ll get through this. I promise,” I said, but I didn’t really have the first idea how.

  “I’m not telling my mom. I won’t put her through that. Or me. I don’t know what happened and I can’t handle all the questions. You have to promise not to tell her anything. Promise, Beez.”

  I hushed her and ran my hand through her hair. “I promise. We’ll work through this together. I’ll help you. You won’t be alone.”

  She stretched to kiss me and my body instinctively deepened the kiss. She didn’t move her mouth and her chapped lips didn’t open. I pulled back.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean . . . I don’t want to hurt you.”

  She shook her head and wiped her hand across her mouth. “It’s not you. I just can’t stop thinking of the stuff the doctor said and all those questions the police asked.”

  I rubbed my finger across the speck of blood on her bottom lip and lifted her back into her seat. I fastened the seat belt around her and she leaned back and closed her eyes.

  “We’ll get through this,” I said again as I put the Jeep into drive and headed back down the road to her place.

  I walked her to her door, my arm wrapped tightly around her.

  Gayle had it open before Ani had even put the key in the lock.

  “You’re in big trouble,” she said, staring hard at Ani.

  I opened my mouth, but Ani pressed her hand against my shoulder.

  “I know,” she answered. “I’m sorry. I drank too much.”

  Gayle released a breath. “Obviously. You look terrible. Why didn’t you call me? You know better than to get drunk at a party. What were you thinking?”

  I bit my tongue against the words itching to come out and focused on Ani’s face.

  “Sorry, Mom,” Ani said again, and walked slowly into her living room, her bag filled with Beth’s pamphlets tucked away in her backpack.

  I stood in the doorway, trying to figure out what to say. Ani’s eyes pleaded with me, tightening the muzzle of my promise to stay silent.

  “And you,” Gayle said, swiveling back to me. “You should have dropped her off as soon as you picked her up from Kate’s. At the very least, you should have called me. It was irresponsible, Ben. She was in no condition to go on an outing with you.”

  I nodded and accepted the reprimand without argument. I deserved her accusations of irresponsibility. I deserved much more. My muscles tightened. I felt like I was being held underwater, pushing up against something that kept pressing me farther down. Short breaths barely escaped my lung
s.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, and turned to Ani. “I’m sorry, Ani. I should have taken better care of you.” My voice cracked.

  Ani nodded and I moved to leave.

  “Thanks for bringing me home,” she called out softly.

  The door clicked behind me and I flinched when I heard Gayle’s stinging voice say, “You’re grounded. Four weeks. No parties. No dates. No picnics with Ben. You’re here or you’re at school. No exceptions.”

  I couldn’t hear Ani’s mumbled reply, but I knew she wouldn’t argue.

  I got in my car and drove to the pool. Weekend lap swim. Open to the public. My feet slapped against the locker room floor, leading me to a back corner where I couldn’t be seen. I fumbled from my clothes and pulled on a pair of trunks I always kept in my car. No goggles, but it didn’t matter. My eyes stung already from the pressure of tears. I plunged into an empty lane of the pool and swam until I could barely lift my arms anymore. No steady rhythm, more a driving force that pushed me past feeling. I barely took breaths, just pumped and kicked and swam more.

  When every muscle shook in pain, I dragged myself out of the water and sat on the edge staring at the T-shaped lines on the bottom for what might have been hours. Huddled back in the corner of the locker room, I texted Ani but she didn’t answer. Everything hurt and I didn’t know what to do to make it better. So I drove home and went to bed without speaking to anyone.

  12

  Ani didn’t show up for school on Monday. My phone pinged as I choked down frozen waffles and ignored Michael’s humming at the breakfast table.

  I’m not ready to face school yet. My mom called in sick for me.

  I texted back: I’ll be w/ u the whole time.