Fault Line

by Christa Desir

  I took a step, but then heard the slamming of books on the floor beside me. Ani had dropped her things and stood with her arms out. The venom in her eyes made me flinch.

  “Fuck off!” she screamed. Her body swiveled to all the people around us. “Fuck off, all of you. I fucking hate every single one of you assholes.”

  I put my hand on her arm and she snatched it back. The entire hallway was silent for ten seconds before someone started whispering. Then louder talking. Then movement all around us. No one said anything to her or me. No one gave a shit.

  Ani grabbed her books from the floor and sank down next to a glass case full of trophies. I moved next to her and tried to take her hand, but she pulled away again. She started dragging her fingernails down her wrists, leaving angry red scratches.

  I pulled her hands away and refused to let go. She fisted them and struggled against me, but I wouldn’t release her.

  “Calm down.”

  “No. Fucking let me go, Ben. Now.”

  “No. Calm down. Take a deep breath.”

  She relaxed her hands and I loosened my grip, only to have her snatch them away and punch me on my chest. It didn’t hurt. She punched me over and over until she fell into a heap in my lap. She started to sob and it took everything in me to hold back my own tears. People walked around us, staring, stepping over us, talking as if we couldn’t hear them. Finally Ani pulled away and looked at her wrists.

  “I’m so angry. I’ve never felt so angry before. Like I could hurt someone. Like it would feel so much better to pour everything inside of me out onto someone else. That’s why you went after that guy, isn’t it?”

  I nodded and traced the red scratches along her forearms. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself, baby.”

  Her fingers followed mine, trying to cover up the redness.

  “Did you hear me, Ani? I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I can’t worry about that, too.”

  She slid her hand over my stubbly head. “I heard you. I won’t hurt myself.”

  I hugged her and was relieved when she hugged me back, even if I could still feel all the knots in her shoulders.

  •••

  It took about two more weeks for the whispering to die down. Ani and I were both still grounded, but things at school seemed to get a little less intense. Kevin found out a few names of guys who’d been at the party, but they couldn’t really tell me anything. They’d seen Ani there. They’d heard her say she was going to hook up with the guys. They’d seen her dance on the kitchen table. They thought she was drunk and ignored her. They didn’t know who she disappeared with or what happened to her. They looked at me with sympathy and I nearly beat the crap out of all of them.

  “So I guess I fucked four guys at that party,” Ani said one day at lunch while peeling the cheese off her sandwich.

  I coughed on the lump of food in my mouth. “What? How do you know?”

  “This girl in my gym class told me. She has a cousin who goes to Morton. The guys I hooked up with must go there. She said that all of Morton is talking about the train ride. They’re calling me the Manhole.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut and dug my nails into my palms. Why wasn’t this going away?

  “I guess it’s better than Firecrotch,” she continued without any expression on her face.

  I met Kate’s eyes across the table and we both cringed. Kate raised her eyebrows. So this was on me to fix. I took Ani’s hand. She didn’t seem to notice. I squeezed but she didn’t even turn toward me. She just stared at her uneaten lunch.

  “What girl told you this?”

  Ani shrugged and didn’t say anything.

  “She could’ve been making it up. No one seems to really know anything about what happened,” I said.

  “Yeah, she could’ve been. But probably not. I mean, why would she? It sounds about right.”

  My stomach knotted and I took several deep breaths. Kate signaled me again with a tilt of her head.

  “Ani,” I said in a low voice, and swiveled her around so she faced me, “you didn’t fuck four guys; they raped you. You’ve got to stop making this out like it’s your fault.”

  She laughed once and it nearly broke me. “Whose fault is it, Beez? Those guys? Why would it be their fault? They were just acting on my suggestion. I told everyone I was going to get with them, and apparently, I did. I’m surprised it was only four. Kind of a short train ride, all things considered.”

  Her words punctured through me and I almost got up to leave. How much more was I going to have to stomach? Four guys fucked my girlfriend. I almost envied Ani her ability to shut down all her emotions. Mine were clawing at me from the inside and tearing me apart.

  “Of course it’s their fault. They raped you. Don’t you get it? I don’t give a shit what you said at that party. You were either drunk or on some sort of roofie high and only a complete scumbag would ever screw around with you in that state.”

  Her eyes remained empty. Nothing I said was getting through to her. I gripped her shoulder too hard, wanting to shake some sense into her.

  Kate finally said, “Ani, it’s still considered rape if you weren’t fully conscious. You didn’t really make those decisions. You have to be sober to consent. Beth said that in the ER. Ben’s right. This wasn’t your fault.”

  A flash of pain crossed Ani’s face and tears lined the edges of her eyelashes. Her chin trembled and I closed my eyes to it. I was wrong. Watching her fall apart was even worse than watching the emptiness. She probably needed to do it, but I didn’t think I was ready for it. Not in the cafeteria. Not in front of all the assholes who’d been talking about her for the past few weeks.

  She pulled her hand from mine and patted me. Moved her hand over my bald head like she’d done so many times before. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I’m lucky I don’t remember anything. It’s easier that way.”

  Ani was trying to reassure me. I felt like an asshole. She wanted to make things better for me. This was exactly why she didn’t want to tell her mom. I was completely worthless to her. I stood up from the table, kissed her on the cheek, and walked outside without another word.

  16

  I drove to Morton High School and sat in the parking lot trying to figure out what I was going to do. I couldn’t just go up to a random guy and ask what he’d heard about the Manhole. Whoever told Ani in gym class could’ve been wrong. And I didn’t think I could stomach talking about the things Ani had done or what had been done to her. But I needed to know the truth. It’d been eating away at me for too damn long.

  When the final bell rang, people poured into the parking lot like thousands of carpenter ants. They sounded really loud to me, but it could have been because I’d been waiting in silence since I pulled into the lot. I watched a group of guys walking toward a beat-up white van. One of them started to hump the air like he had a girl pinned beneath him. In a quick move, I jumped out of my car and approached, my feet crunching over the remains of a broken iced tea bottle.

  The other guys were laughing at his pantomime as I walked up. I narrowed my eyes and watched.

  “I’m telling you,” the guy said, slapping the air and moving his hips, “the girl was so wet, it was like standing under Niagara Falls.”

  My fists clenched at my sides and I bent my knees into an attack stance. I almost wished for the pain of a bloody fight. Someone to beat up or someone who’d beat me up so at least it was real pain, not the rotting ache inside my chest all the time. Christ. What was happening to me?

  The guy finally noticed I’d joined the group. “What’s up, bro?”

  “Who are you talking about?” My body pulsed with rage. My teeth gnashed together. I was going to break a crown and piss off my mom again.

  “My girlfriend. What’s it to you?” he asked, taking a step back.

  I relaxed slightly. What the hell was I doing
? I was battling windmills.

  “Nothing,” I answered, and turned to my car. I took three steps, stopped for a second, and finally swiveled back to them. “Has anyone heard of the girl they’re calling the Manhole?”

  My knees nearly buckled from the weight of the word, but I locked them and searched each of the guys’ faces. They exchanged looks and finally the guy who’d been describing his girlfriend shrugged.

  “ ’Course. The chick who fucked a bunch of guys at a party and got off with a lighter afterward, right? What about her? You know her?”

  I shut my eyes and nodded my head. “Were any of you guys there?”

  More glances were exchanged. They were trying to figure out my motives, obviously. I didn’t blame them. If any of them were one of the guys, I’d probably send him to the hospital.

  “Not in the room with her,” the humper said. “Those guys were from the city, I think. I was at the party, though.”

  “So you saw her?”

  “Yeah, she was hanging all over the guys. She seemed pretty wasted. She flashed a bunch of them and then they took her upstairs.” One of the guys standing close to me nodded.

  “They took her upstairs?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.

  “Well, yeah, I mean, she rode piggyback on some guy while another one held her ass from behind.”

  “Was she conscious?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, she was into it, man. She was wasted but she was into it.”

  “Into it? You’re sure? Not passed out?”

  “No. Not passed out.”

  I didn’t say anything so he continued.

  “Could’ve been roofies, though. I’ve also seen chicks act like that when they’re buzzing on Special K. There was a bunch of E going around the party too. You think this girl might’ve had some?”

  I shook my head. “No. Not on purpose. Did you see them after?” My muscles were so tight, I didn’t think I’d be able to swim for days.

  “Yeah, a couple of guys came down talking about the show. They were the ones who called her the hot little Manhole. So are you gonna tell us why you care about this, bro? Who’s this girl to you?”

  I stared at each of them. They had formed a sort of semicircle around me and my gaze kept darting between their pale faces, trying to figure out if any of them were responsible for what happened to Ani.

  “She’s my goddamn girlfriend,” I spat out finally before stalking to my car. I didn’t want to hear another “I’m sorry, man” and I didn’t want them to ask me why I wasn’t at the party. I kicked the half-broken bottle and ignored the mumbling from the guys behind me.

  I slammed my car door and banged my head against the steering wheel. I couldn’t shake the picture of Ani’s arm linked around a stranger’s neck while her ass filled the hands of someone else. I started the car, turned on the radio as loud as it could go, and peeled out of the parking lot.

  Manhole. I was dating the Manhole.

  •••

  I drove to Ani’s house. I’d already be in a shitload of trouble with my mom for skipping the last three periods of school and an even bigger shitload of trouble with Coach for skipping practice again. I figured an extra hour wasn’t going to make that big of a difference. Luckily, Gayle was teaching so I didn’t have to pretend everything was fine.

  “Where’d you go?” Ani asked when she ushered me into her room.

  “Morton.”

  Ani froze. Her eyes enlarged and she wrapped her arms around her body. Little girl stance again. The one I’d hoped had gone away.

  “Have you remembered anything more from the party, Ani?”

  She shook her head and moved toward the bed. I sat down and pulled her next to me.

  “Hasn’t your mom asked about all these big clothes you’ve been wearing?” I fingered the sweatshirt that she’d worn almost every day for the past two weeks.

  “No, I don’t put on the sweatshirt until I get to school.”

  I wrapped my hand around her ponytail and she tugged away. My hand dropped and Ani must’ve felt bad because she nestled closer to me.

  “What’d you hear at Morton?” she asked quietly.

  “I think we should stop talking about this,” I said, and tipped her face to mine. “We need to get on with our lives, and dwelling on whatever happened isn’t going to make it better. You don’t remember anything and I’m not going to trust a bunch of drunk guys at a party to fill me in on the details of the night.”

  “That bad, huh?”

  “No.” I took her hand and sandwiched it in both of mine. “Nothing we didn’t suspect. They said it might’ve been roofies. I guess there was a lot of E going around the party too. But trying to figure all this out isn’t going to help us move past it.”

  She looked at me and rubbed her free hand along the stubble of my head. “What do you think will help?”

  I drew her closer and rested my hands along her hips, my fingers tracing her bones. “I think you were right. I think you need to be touched in a good way. I think you need to feel loved.”

  “Like have sex?”

  “Yeah.”

  She blinked at me. I held my breath and she finally nodded.

  I started to lift the sweatshirt over her head and stopped when she trembled. “Do you not want to do this? Are you worried about your stitches?”

  She shook her head and tried to pull the sweatshirt the rest of the way but the fabric kept slipping from her shaking hands.

  “Maybe this isn’t a good idea. If you’re worried it will hurt, we can wait.”

  “It’s fine. The doctor said the stitches dissolved and I’d healed fine,” she said, at last removing the sweatshirt so she was just in a small T-shirt.

  “If you . . .” I started.

  She put her hand over my mouth. “Shh . . . I’m fine. The doctor said I’m fine. I just got the shivers for a second. It’s kind of cold in here.”

  She pulled her shirt off and I rubbed her bare arms. I tugged my own shirt off and grabbed a condom from my wallet. She started to unbutton her jeans but I stopped her hands.

  “We can go slow. We don’t have to get right to it. I haven’t really kissed you in weeks. Maybe we could start with that?” I asked.

  She nodded and I put the condom on her table and lay on top of her, recalling the feeling of her from all the times before. The smell of her swirled around me, sugary mints and a little tangyness from her grapefruit lotion. My Ani.

  “You’ve lost too much weight,” I whispered, touching her rib cage.

  “Food doesn’t taste good anymore.”

  “You need to eat for me. I don’t want you to waste away.” I kissed her neck.

  She turned her head and touched my chin. “Okay. I’ll eat. For you.”

  I kissed her gently. My body couldn’t help reacting when she rose up to meet me and stuck her tongue deep in my mouth. But she didn’t flinch when she felt my hardness on her thigh, she just opened up and wrapped her legs around me. I could have cried in relief. I went as slow as I could, trying to forget the guys at Morton. Forget the lighter. Forget everything but the feel of Ani’s skin. And when I finally slid inside her, I kissed her tears and whispered, “I love you” over and over again.

  •••

  My mom stood at the front door when I got home.

  “I thought you had class,” I said, dropping my backpack onto the ground and heading for the kitchen.

  “I did, but I got a call from your coach on the way out. He’s worried about your chances of getting a scholarship,” she said, following me.

  I pulled open the fridge and took a long gulp from the orange juice bottle. She pursed her lips and pointed to the bottle.

  I tucked it back in the fridge and turned to her, crossing my arms.

  “And?”

  “And why didn’t you go
to practice? Where were you?”

  “With Ani,” I said, and didn’t break contact with her eyes.

  “Do you think you might be spending too much time with this girl?”

  I looked at her blankly. She let out a mom sigh.

  “Don’t get me wrong,” she continued, “I like her, but you’ve never missed practice over a girl before.”

  “There’s never been an Ani before.”

  She gave me another big mom sigh. “There’s a lot going on right now, Ben. Your father has that new business pitch at work and I’m busting my butt at grad school while still trying to work and be a room parent in your brother’s classroom. Please tell me I don’t need to be worried about this relationship.”

  “You don’t need to be worried about this relationship,” I answered, and pushed away from the fridge, grabbing an apple from a basket on the counter.

  “I don’t want to have to approach your dad with this,” she said.

  I raised my shoulders. Dad protected his family above all else, but he was also fiercely loyal. If everything came out, he’d side with me. I had no doubt. Problem was, I didn’t want everything to come out. Not like this, not with them.

  Mom rifled through her purse, grumbling before finally pulling out a wad of money and handing it to me. “Can I trust you to take your brother to and from soccer practice tonight?”

  “Of course,” I said, pocketing the money. “I’m not a total screwup. But just so you know, Michael hates soccer. He’s only doing it because you’re making him.”

  “Soccer is good for him. He needs to get some fresh air and exercise instead of playing those video games all the time. Too much of something isn’t good for anyone,” she said, catching my eye.

  I took a bite of apple and walked out of the room.

  “That’s twenty dollars for the two of you to grab dinner after practice. I expect change. I’m meeting your father after my class. We’ll be home by ten. Make sure you do your homework,” she called after me.