“Where would he go?” Vivian asked. She knew she needed to find him and try to talk him through this.
“Give him some time,” Julian warned, and then he reconsidered. Maybe she could soothe the savage beast and get through to him. “He’ll go to his apartment.” Julian pulled the apartment key off his ring.
“Thank you,” she said, taking it and then heading for the door.
They both watched her leave.
When he turned, Tori was staring at him. “You're mad at me for what I just did.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement.
“I think that was a shitty display at proving a point,” she answered.
“He needed to see the truth.”
She stared at him. “You knew his one button, and you pushed it.”
“Tori,” he said, as she headed for the door.
“I’m going to go pick up some take out,” she answered with zero emotion in her voice. “I’ll be back.”
He got the hint. “I’m sorry,” he said, knowing that witnessing that had to be painful for her. Everything he said also applied to her, and for that, he was ashamed.
She stopped but didn’t turn around. “You have no idea what it was like, Julian, and I’m glad. Maybe we all did come back a little crazy and unfixable.”
He was appalled that his wife was taking this personally. “I didn’t mean you.”
Tori finally turned to stare at him with tears in her eyes. “There’s no difference, Julian. We all left a part of our souls over there, and you have no idea what that’s like.”
“Tori, wait!”
But she didn't. If she did, it would turn into a fight. Tori would say things that would hurt them both. In war, she would never retreat, but in her marriage she certainly would.
“I didn't mean…”
Tori didn't hear the rest of the conversation, because she had already left the building.
When she got in her SUV, she noticed her husband standing there as he watched her go.
The look on his face was similar to the one months ago when he accused her of cheating as she was pulling away. Only this time, he didn't try to stop her.
It was probably a good thing.
Time healed, and now she needed that and some space between them.
* * *
Justin retreated. He had one safe place where he could go to hide, and he went there. First, he stopped and picked up some beer. He knew it was a bad idea and that booze and anger didn't mix, but he didn't care.
His own damn brother thought he was damaged.
Part of him agreed, but at least he would never point that out to anyone. Thinking it was one thing, but laying it on the table to prove a point was just crossing a line.
Then again, so was putting his hands on Julian in anger. It wasn’t the first time that he had done that either. When they had found out that their mother had lied about their father’s death, he and Julian had rolled around on the ground like idiots.
This wasn’t far from the same stupidity. When that anger rose up, he was helpless to fight it. Maybe it was from living in a battle zone and losing people who he called friends, or maybe it was from the possibility that his brother had been right, and Lenny was crazy.
And a killer.
Shit, this was turning into a really bad night.
As he arrived at the apartment, he chugged two beers. They helped beat back the anger that was brewing. They numbed him and made him forget.
It was just what he needed.
As he lay there on the couch, he popped the cap off the third beer and heard the lock to his door open. He prayed it wasn’t his brother looking to prove another point, or there was a good chance there would be bloodshed.
When he looked over, he saw her standing there.
“Forget someone?” she asked, as she leaned against the doorframe.
“No,” he answered. “You should probably go back to your place, Vivian. I’m not fit to be around.”
“I am at my place. When you married me, in this state, half of all your things became mine. So, I just inherited your apartment and shitty mood too.”
He stared at her.
Walking in, she dropped her coat on the back of a chair. “We may need to hire a maid to clean this place up,” she stated, moving towards him. When she grabbed one of his beers and moved his legs off the couch, she prayed that she was handling this the right way.
“Go home, Vivian.”
“Again, I am,” she replied, sitting beside him. As she twisted the top off the beer, she took a long sip. “So, are we going to fight, or do you want to talk about it?”
He didn't reply.
“Okay, I’ll go first. I know why your brother did what he did. I’m sorry that it hurt you, but he loves you very much.”
Again, he said nothing.
“I think that if we’re going to make this work, you’re going to need to tell me a lot more than I know.”
“There’s nothing to tell. I served my country and my brother thinks I’m crazy.”
“You are crazy,” she said, sipping more beer.
He looked over at her, hurt present in his eyes. “Thanks.”
“No, listen to me. We’re all a little loopy. I have nightmares that come true. If you think that you’re the only one with issues, then you’re very off the mark. People are flawed, Justin. We all have our things that set us off or make us hurt. You were a soldier, and I can’t even imagine what that was like, but I know that you’re not so far gone that you can’t live or love. I didn't fight in a war and I still have shades of lunacy.”
He watched her and decided to bear it all. “I get wrapped up in rage sometimes, and I lose my temper.”
“We all do,” she added.
“No, I get this uncontrollable anger, and it breaks free. I can feel it taking over my control until it wins. I can’t stop it sometimes. It’s stronger than me.”
Since he offered her some truth, she would too. “I sometimes drink a whole bottle of wine to numb myself after a nightmare.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said softly.
Vivian stared into his eyes. “I never believed that you would, even for a second.”
He leaned back and closed his eyes.
“Your brother was trying to show you something without bringing up your weaknesses in front of me,” she offered, and then continued, “In my dreams, the second ones specifically, there was that red hue from rage. He’s trying to point out that the person doing this had experienced this kind of anger, and it might be his little parting gift from the war too.”
He didn't think of it like that.
“The rage that overtook you might be the same rage that made the person kill Tawny James. He wanted you to see that Lenny being a suspect isn’t that far off the mark. If you suffer from that kind of anger, so might he.”
Yeah, now he got it.
“Justin, your brother loves you. You can see it in his eyes. When he pushed you, it wasn’t to hurt you, but to show you that you’re loved. How would you feel if he didn't trust you to face that demon? Julian could have easily opted to ignore it, but he’s not that kind of man and neither are you.”
“I know.”
“You’re fixable.”
She took that moment to curl against the side of him and rest her beer on his leg. “Tell me about it.”
He opened his eyes. “I don’t think I can.”
Vivian knew that he needed to find someone to confide in over all this. “I can hold you up. I’m stronger than I look. A wife isn’t just for sex.”
Justin tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “I’ve killed so many people, Viv.”
The words finally came out.
“Go on,” she said, stroking his cheek with her free hand. “I’m here for you, Justin.”
“We had mission after mission and death after death. They became faceless and lifeless, and I became something I never thought I would be in my life.”
“What’s that?”
She placed both of their beers on the table and she sat in his lap facing him. “You’re not a killer. You were a soldier.”
“It’s the same thing,” he muttered. “It’s the same damn thing. I stared into their faces and pulled the trigger. I hid in the dark and took shots that they never saw coming. I had to stand over dead men as their children wept and clung to their lifeless bodies. I’m beyond redemption, Vivian. I’m so far gone.”
She placed her palms on either side of his face. “No, you’re not. You did it for all the people you were protecting. It was your job, Justin. You were following orders and doing your job.”
His eyes filled with tears. “There were kids, Vivian. I’m a monster, and I see it almost every night in my dreams.”
Suddenly, emotions came fast. This time, they weren’t angry ones, but sadness and pain. It came and overtook the rage and swallowed it whole.
Vivian wrapped her arms around him, and as her husband buried his face in her shoulder, she simply let him break. Even the strongest had moments of weakness. She whispered words of promise in his ear and held on through the storm.
She wouldn’t abandon him or let him suffer alone. From here on out, Justin had someone to walk by his side and hold his hand.
“It’s okay, Justin. I have you now,” she promised. “For the rest of our lives, I will have you.”
Justin let it all out. For the first time in months, he trusted and leaned when he was just too tired and too weak to carry it alone. For now, he let his wife be stronger and heal a part of his heart.
It was something that he had never thought possible.
Julian felt like the worst human being on the face of the earth. Not only had he hurt his brother, as he tried to make a point, but he’d managed to ostracize his wife at the same time.
It wasn’t what he had planned at all.
Now, she was gone.
Fear was growing in him, as he thought back to the last time he had lost her. She had walked away once before, and he thought that he’d die without her.
Now, the same old pain was coming back. Only then, he could call his brother and lean on him, but Julian had burned that bridge down.
No, he blew it up.
As he paced their apartment above work, he began praying that she would come back and forgive him. He’d managed to make a mess out of this, and he didn't mean it.
He knew his wife was still fighting to not be broken inside, and he wish he had the common sense to keep his damn mouth shut.
Julian paused as he heard a noise. It sounded like the elevator opening. As he listened, his heart began to beat wildly. Maybe Tori didn't leave him, even if he deserved it.
When their door opened, she carried a big take out bag in her arms. Heading to the counter, she placed it there, and then turned to face him.
“What you did was wrong, Julian. You know that I always stand beside you no matter what, but you could have handled this far better.”
“I know, and I’m so sorry, Tori.”
“I love you, and I know what you were aiming to do, but it backfired. In the military, we call that a tactical error.”
He moved towards her. “Please just tell me how to make it better with you, and I’ll do it.”
She watched him. “It’s not me that you need to fix it with, Jules. Justin is just as proud and stubborn as you are. He came home from the frontline and saw things that would even shock me. What he needs is to know that his brother loves him and is sorry that he was callous towards his feelings.”
“I am sorry. I made a mistake.”
She stared at him. “Yeah, you did.”
Again, he took another step closer to her. “Will you forgive me?” he asked.
Tori already had. On her ride to get dinner, she thought about why he did what he did, and she got it. Justin needed a visual, only it went a little too far and hurt feelings.
“Please, Tori. I hate when we have this between us. I don’t function when we’re not okay.”
“I’m not mad. I forgave you already,” she stated.
He was so close, he could almost touch her. “I love you, Victoria. I don’t think that you’re damaged or less than perfect.”
She rested her head on his shoulder. “I love you too, Jules, even when you do things that are an unmitigated disaster.”
He wrapped his arms around her shoulders. “So, you won’t stop loving me?”
The words shocked her. “Of course I won’t! I may get angry, but I’ll never stop loving you.”
Julian held her against his body and gently brought his mouth to hers for a kiss. The second their lips touched, it was instantly better.
It was how it always was with her.
“I love the way you feel in my arms,” he murmured, as he deepened the kiss.
Tori always felt alive when they came together. It was as if a little piece of her heart was reborn each and every time. Her husband may make mistakes, but the love they had together was genuine.
Picking her up, he carried her to their bedroom. Once inside, he placed her back on her feet. “I want to feel my wife beneath me,” he stated, as he stared into her eyes.
Tori wouldn’t put up a fight. “Yes, Julian.”
Instantly, they both began to remove their clothes. Heat was building, and they needed to feel skin to skin contact.
As Julian kept kissing his wife, he managed to drop his pants and get his shirt unbuttoned. As soon as his wife was free of hers, he pulled her against his body and they tumbled onto the bed.
For now, he wanted to heal her heart and find reassurance in her body that they were once again okay.
Hands wandered, lips sought, and he moaned when she found him and stroked him with her hand.
“Oh, honey,” he whispered, as she wiggled free from his embrace to slide down his body. When she began leaving kisses lower and lower, he knew what was coming.
As her warm mouth wrapped around him, he was in heaven.
“Victoria,” he moaned, as she did something wickedly creative with her tongue and teeth. “That feels amazing,” he added.
Glancing up at him, Tori wanted to give him some peace. She could tell he was just as shaken up over what happened, and Tori didn't want him to hurt, ever.
As she frenetically worked him in and out of her mouth, he arched into her, fighting to not thrust deep into her throat.
Tori could tell that he was trying incredibly hard to remain in control.
When his body arched and his hands dug into the bedding, she knew that he was pretty close to the edge. His breathing was erratic, and he was shaking.
Moving up his body, she watched him predatorily. The sight of him all wound up and ready to break apart called to something deep in her.
This was her husband, and she loved to watch him wild and free.
“Please,” he begged.
Tori was never one to torture him, but she decided that he needed to suffer just a little bit. What fun was having a man beneath you if you couldn’t make him crazy with lust?
“Yes, Julian,” she answered, as she took him in her hand and prepared to slide him deep into her body. “Now, babe?” she asked.
“Yes!”
Achingly slow, she teased him until a low growl rumbled deep in his chest. The slide into her body was making him crazy. Tori could feel him fighting to not thrust up into her like some sex crazed mad man.
When finally she sheathed him entirely, his breathing was even heavier. It was like he’d exerted himself in some hard core exercise.
“You’re wicked.”
She grinned at him. “You haven’t seen anything yet,” she purred and reached over to her nightstand. Inside, she pulled out her handcuffs.
“Tori,” he stated, unsure if she was kidding. “You’re joking right?”
She sat perched above him. “You want me to move, correct?”
“Uh, yeah. That’s kind of the point,” he stated.
“Then offer
them up,” she stated.
Okay, this was very new.
“You were bad, and you’ve got to pay, Julian.”
Well, there were far worse things in life than to be handcuffed by a beautiful woman and ridden. Without a second thought, he held out his wrists.
Quickly, she had his one hand cuffed through the iron slats of their bed. Before he knew it, he was her prisoner.
“These aren’t play ones, are they?” he asked.
“Nope,” she replied. “They are standard FBI issue.”
Bracing her hands on either side of his face, she began the slow ride towards the madness. There was something erotic about having her husband trapped beneath her.
When she began to move faster, his eyes blurred with pleasure, as he began concentrating on his wife straddling his body.
This was heaven and hell.
Before he knew it, she switched the rhythm, and he wanted to weep. It was making it so hard to get closer to the edge, while she was playing games.
“Victoria! Come on!” he begged.
She simply giggled and went back to riding him. As her body shook, she knew that she was going to break apart. As the pleasure engulfed her, Tori shattered into a million pieces.
When she resurfaced, her husband was breathing just as heavy beneath her. “When I get out, you’re in trouble.”
As she began moving again, he was begging like a desperate man, and that just turned her on even more.
“Tori, set me free,” he ordered. Normally, he wouldn’t care if she used him, but right now, he needed to take his wife. “Now!”
Reaching into the drawer, she pulled out the key and dangled it in front of him. “What’s wrong, Julian. Don’t you like being punished for being a very bad boy?”
He would have laughed, had he not been desperate to find release. “Victoria!”
Obeying, she set him free. Tori just released his second hand, when he rolled and placed her beneath him. The crazed look in his eyes heated her blood.
“My turn,” he hissed, locking her wrists, this time to the bed. When he had finished, he began taking his wife. “Let’s see how you like punishment,” he stated, intending to draw this out as much as possible.
Blood Red Rage (LIttlemoon Investigations Book 1) Page 35
