I pulled out of the Second Chances’ parking lot in a daze. I almost ran a red light and forced myself to shake the taste and feel of her lips out of my mind. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t kissed a girl before. It was disappointingly easy getting girls to sleep with me. It was getting them to want me past the morning that I struggled with.
Kent and I attended and lived near the university, which placed me in the center of every girl my age. They weren’t looking for a deaf numb college student. Who would want a guy who couldn’t talk to them? Who couldn’t say, “I love you.” I could write how I felt, sign how I felt, but I couldn’t risk telling anyone how I felt aloud.
What would be the point when they ran away screaming?
The kiss wasn’t the problem. My response to it was.
I’d never been kissed that deep before. Her mouth was cool and her tongue hot and wet. My dick hardened in my jeans and my concentration went out the window. I was lost in the softness and taste of her mouth. Her fingers had been in my hair and her body met me halfway across the seat. Women didn’t meet me halfway. I wished I could hear her moans or feel the sound of her voice. I felt her, but I couldn’t hear her. I could only imagine what she sounded like.
I’d accepted a long time ago that I was deaf. I couldn’t hear. No amount of medical help would change that. But in the moment our lips touched all I wanted was to hear her voice, and the fact that I never would left me feeling strangely in pain.
Her lips were forgotten. In their place was the feeling I was driving nowhere fast again. Did I think she wanted me? Why was I thinking about hearing her voice at all? She was the kind of girl I could never get. She was probably the popular girl in high school and the bombshell in college, the one every man wanted. There was nothing about Becca I was worthy of. I shouldn’t have even let her kiss me. I should have pulled away instead of kissing her back. But she’d caught me by complete surprise and the taste of her breath was almost worth the inner torment.
When I got home I let myself into the apartment to find it dark. The overly amorous newlyweds were in bed. The bathroom light was on and the extra bedroom was open in the hall.
Our new roommate, Josh, was still up. Kent and I had split the rent for years. My income was stable but miniscule, coming from disability social security until I could start working and making my own money, so Kent took a large brunt of the bill. His father owned a successful ecommerce company online and had no problem fronting his son’s income, and though Kent had a tendency to push his father’s generosity, his father was less lenient these days. Kent had to pay back all of his credit card bills, pay his part of the rent, the bill for Rain’s ring, and his new car payment. Raina was busy going to school full-time at the community college so she couldn’t work except part-time at the pancake house near the University. We had no choice but to find a roommate to take the slack.
As I passed by Josh’s open bedroom door I spotted a woman twisted in his sheets. She winked at me as I walked by and I rolled my eyes. Apparently Kent knew Josh from school and proclaimed his awesomeness. Most of Kent’s friends were idiots with no brains. But I thought the new guy was a prick with a side of dickhead.
I slammed my bedroom door and locked it, then started pulling my clothes off and tossing them on the floor with all the rest of them. Thankfully I didn’t have to share my bedroom with anyone. I had my own bathroom and my own living room. I opened my mini-fridge and pulled out a bottle of water and then fell onto my couch, staring at the television until I couldn’t keep my eyes open, until Tess was out of my head and Becca’s taste was out of my mouth.
When I woke up the next morning I rolled out of bed and dropped to the floor, spending the next half-hour doing sit-ups and push-ups. The physical exertion didn’t lessen the mental torment. I couldn’t get the image of Tess’s face out of my mind. The mortified shock. The realization that I wasn’t the interesting man she envisioned, but the defective loser she was hearing. I pumped myself faster, sweating onto my carpet as I did push-up after push-up, sit-up after sit-up. My abs burned and my arms were shaking. I jumped to my feet and ripped my boxers off, stepping under the blistering hot spray of the shower.
My body sagged against the tiled wall, and I allowed my embarrassment and inadequacies control over my body. I couldn’t hear sounds, but I had no problem hearing my thoughts. They were loud and ridiculing. I shut the water off and dried myself, getting dressed without thinking. I could smell bacon, which meant Raina was cooking.
Kent was sitting at the kitchen table on his laptop when I came out. He nodded at me and I returned the sentiment, sinking down beside him with my phone. Raina was wearing one of his shirts as she flipped bacon, blonde hair messy and her legs tanned. I recalled the slight crush I had on her when she first moved in. It didn’t last long. Once I figured out Kent wanted her, she was his. I kissed her once during a moment of weakness and partly to force Kent to act on his feelings, but that’s all that ever happened between us.
It was safe to say that the O’Connor women were babes.
“Where did you go last night?” Kent signed.
“For a drive,” I signed back, glaring at him.
He stared at me. “You’ve been acting weird.”
I shrugged and then I made sure Raina wasn’t watching. She was taking a sign language class at school and had picked up fairly well. Kent got the hint and leaned back, watching me sign under the table as I made sure to spell each letter of Becca’s name individually. “I ran into Becca last night.”
And she made out with me in the front seat.
Somehow the idea of telling Kent that made me cringe. He didn’t openly dislike Becca, but I didn’t think he had warm feelings for her either.
He frowned, peeking at Raina, who was scraping eggs onto a plate. “What did she say?”
“You are a demon spawn.”
He laughed and then turned it into a cough when Raina looked over curiously. “Really?”
“More or less.”
Kent nodded at Raina rather than spell her name. “My wife is miserable. Any chance you can get Becca over here? One look at her pouty face and her sister’s done for. We both know it.”
Raina’s pouty face was its own kind of torture. Her eyes possessed so much good that the idea of taking some from her, even a shred, felt criminal. Kent had a point.
“Becca doesn’t look like she’s doing great either.”
His shrug was purely mean. He didn’t care about Becca’s feelings. “Where did you run into her?”
“Bar.”
He frowned heavily. “You went to a bar last night?”
I looked down at my phone, pulling up a text from Uma, and ignored his question.
Uma: did you get this?
I smirked. Grandma Uma was hesitant with technology. She had a hard time with her new smart phone and sometimes wasn’t sure whether she’d done it right or not. She was nearing eighty and still preferred her record player, but the phone had been a gift from her niece. Going to live with her when I was seven—among the horrors of losing my hearing and my mom—was its own kind of hell. She didn’t have cable, video games, or even a computer. She made lawn ornaments out of iron and did iron work out of her garage to supplement her income. After my grandpa was killed in the Vietnam War she never remarried. I was probably a headache she didn’t need all those years ago, but she’d never showed it. She was the closest thing I had to normalcy in my life. Without her and Kent I didn’t know where I’d be. But I still had this nagging fear I wasn’t anywhere. I wasn’t the man I wanted to be, I felt nothing most of the time past self-loathing, and my brain liked to constantly remind me that I would be this way forever.
James: I got this. Good morning, Uma.
I didn’t bother waiting for a reply. Sometimes it took us weeks to have a conversation.
Kent grabbed my phone from me and slammed it down on the table. I glared at him. What’s his problem?
“What’s eating you?” Kent asked, and it must’ve been
out loud because Raina reacted.
She set down a plate in front of me and then Kent, trying to meet my eyes. I knew better. Avoid her and save myself. I grabbed my fork and started shoving eggs and bacon into my mouth.
In my peripheral vision, Kent played with his wedding ring, a silver band. He turned it over on his ring finger, sliding it to his knuckle and then back up. Thankfully Raina joined us and once she did Kent couldn’t keep his attention on me for long. They began having a conversation I couldn’t hear, giving each other that look again. It was like their eyes were connected and nothing could separate them. I was happy for Kent, but it still didn’t alleviate my nausea. I ate quickly and put my plate in the sink, escaping before their clothes disappeared.
The front door opened as I walked down the hall and Josh came in, dressed in his usual tank top and ripped jeans. Douchebag. Something about this guy made me want to crush his face in. I wasn’t prone to violence, but his constant smirk made me livid. He and Kent clasped hands and talked while I continued on to my room.
It was Saturday and that meant I could either do nothing all day or sleep. And though the two could be confused, I knew the difference. Sleep meant no thinking. Nothing didn’t give me the same thing. Spring break was coming up so homework was slim. My bachelor’s degree was within reach. I should be glad, excited even. All I really felt was panic. College would be over soon. I’d have my degree, I’d take the test to get my teaching license, and I could finally help kids the way I needed to be helped all those years ago.
I learned how to be deaf the hard way. I went to the library and read every sign language book. I watched people’s lips and remembered how the words used to sound. I had no help past Kent and Uma, and though she took the time to learn sign language, she never pushed me to live in her world. I struggled to be deaf and didn’t want other kids to have to do it the same way. I wanted to be a special needs teacher, specifically for deaf children in specialty schools. I had to go to public school. I wouldn’t wish that on my own worst enemy. Kent helped me through it, but he wasn’t always there for the bullying and he wasn’t in all my classes. He couldn’t watch my back constantly. We did homework together, he taught me how to read words that were hard on the lips, and we spent hours in front of his computer at home looking up sign language. Most kids didn’t have a Kent the way I did.
But even with my path laid out before me I still felt like I was going nowhere. I could become exactly what I wanted to become and still know I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I’d felt this way since I lost my hearing, as if when I did I lost who I was and any version of me I would have been. The chance to live my life the way everyone else did was gone and subsequently so was having anything worth possessing. Or maybe losing so much so quickly left me empty, I didn’t know for sure. All I knew was I was twenty-two and my life felt as quiet as the inside of my head.
My phone vibrated in my pocket.
Kent: Open your door.
I could pretend not to be aware of his text. He could knock all he wanted. I wouldn’t hear it.
My phone vibrated again.
Kent: Get your dick out of your hand and answer the door.
I smirked and gave in, unlocking my door for him. He pushed it open and closed it, pointing to my couch. After we’d both sat down he gave me a no-bullshit look.
“What’s wrong?” he signed.
He wasn’t going to let this go. Kent and I shared everything, but this one time I couldn’t tell him how much I wanted Tess. Her goodness, her smile—I wanted her and she would never want me. Kent didn’t understand that.
I signed nothing again.
He knocked my hands away and glowered. “Tell me what’s wrong right now or I’ll knock you out.”
I gave him my jaw.
“Damn it, James. We’re boys. Don’t make me call Uma.”
I’m sure my cocky expression told him Uma didn’t know anything.
He racked his brain, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It was only a matter of time before he accomplished it. He’d seen me and Tess at school together once. Eventually he’d realize why my ceiling was throbbing with life and I felt empty. I picked something else that was bothering me and hoped it would distract him.
“Becca kissed me.” I said it out loud because he wasn’t looking at me. I had no idea how I sounded, but judging by everyone’s reaction I knew it wasn’t how I used to. It was mortifying, but Kent never made me feel that way.
His head snapped up and his eyes widened. “Becca kissed you? On the lips?” he clarified, signing it twice so I couldn’t mistake his words.
I nodded, amused by his shock.
“Did you two fuck?”
Kent could be poetic at times. “No,” I responded, still speaking to him out loud.
He grinned wide. “Did you want to?”
“No shit.” I looked away from his knowing eyes and instead stared at his hands. “It came out of nowhere and then she stopped all of a sudden. Like she didn’t mean to do it or realized she didn’t want me. Maybe I was a bad kisser.” The thought mortified me.
Kent signed back furiously fast. “Becca O’Connor never turns down a man. I doubt she cared whether you were a good kisser or not. She’s been with so many men she probably doesn’t know the difference between your lips and the guy next door.”
I frowned. Is that why she kissed me? Was I just one guy among many? I recalled how Kent used women. He was trying to forget his ex. Was Becca trying to forget hers? I wondered if that mattered. I suppose women could sleep with men the way men slept with them. And though the reaction was unwarranted, rage moved through me.
I sat back and stared at my black television as I considered Becca kissing other men the way she kissed me. Did she find a better one last night? Someone who could say her name and give her what she craved? Intense fury tightened in my chest.
It was a reaction I’ve never had before. I’ve been in a few serious relationships, with women who were deaf too and understood what it was like. We split when it was best. I was never jealous. I shouldn’t be jealous now. Becca was Raina’s sister. That was it.
Kent tapped my shoulder and signed again. “Don’t have sex with her,” he warned. “Don’t fall for her bullshit. I know she’s hot, but she’d eat you alive. Plus, you’re my boy. She’s probably only doing this to get back at me. Just get her over here for Rain. You have to talk to her for me.” He looked desperate. “Rain’s falling apart more and more every day.”
I didn’t know what he wanted me to do. Clearly Becca was upset, Rain too, but they were both so caught up in what the other hadn’t done they couldn’t see they were only hurting each other. I couldn’t convince either side without compromising the other. I had a brief flash of the pain in Becca’s eyes. Something told me she shared little, and the fact that she couldn’t hide that from me meant it was probably eating her alive.
“I’ll talk to her.”
“Good. Just don’t screw her. I know how you are.” He stood up.
“How am I?” I asked, hoping my tone portrayed my irritation. What does that even mean? I wondered, watching him sign his reply.
“You get attached to women too quickly and it never ends well.”
“This is coming from a man who only slept with women on his couch?”
He cringed and walked away, turning around before he left to glare at me. “Don’t fall for Becca O’Connor. She’ll rip your balls off and sell them online.”
I could only imagine the people who would bid on them.
As soon as Kent was gone I found my phone and pulled up my last conversation, reading it over before I thought of what to say to Becca.
James: Hi.
I cringed as soon as I sent it. Loser. What kind of greeting was that? I stared intently at the screen. After five minutes I gave up and turned the television on, scrolling through the channels. Not everything on TV was translated well with captions. Comedies were lost on me. The delivery of a joke was half the point. Without th
e inflection of their voice it was lost on me. I put on a basketball game, watching the Miami Heat run up and down the court. Just as I’d lost myself in the game my phone vibrated.
It only took her fifteen minutes to reply.
Becca: How moving James. Hi back.
I smiled at her reply and then struggled once again with what to say. I thought of saying hi again and then considered ramming my head into the wall repeatedly. My cheeks burned and all the damn woman did was answer my text.
James: Are you working tonight?
Becca: No.
Her responses were difficult to work with. She was either doing it on purpose or I was simply impotent. Maybe she didn’t want to talk to me. Perhaps kissing me last night was a huge mistake and like Tess, she’d rather I stopped existing. But my phone buzzed and I exhaled in relief.
Becca: I’m looking for a room. Want to come watch my back?
She wanted to hang out? I stared down at my chest in revulsion. Why was my heart pounding?
James: I wasn’t aware a girl like you needed watching.
Becca: James. Stop. You’re turning me on. The neighborhood’s bad. If you’re busy that’s cool. I can go alone.
I texted back embarrassingly fast.
James: I’m not busy. I have no problem watching your back.
That sounded creepy. I closed my eyes and internally berated myself.
Becca: That so?
I stared at the phone for a long time before I did it. Kent’s warning went in one ear and out the other. I wouldn’t get attached. I had a feeling Becca wouldn’t let me anyway.
James: Yes.
Becca: Of course it is James. Meet me here at noon. It’s the first place.
I read over the address and assigned it to memory, convincing myself the entire time I was doing this for Raina and not for the taste of Becca’s lips.
My Vicious Demise (Demise #2) Page 4
