James: I’ll see you later Becca.
Becca: I’ll be seeing you too James.
My body was traitorous.
That didn’t stop me from swallowing hard, fighting a smile that won anyway, and throwing my phone at the other end of the couch so I couldn’t ask her to marry me, or worse, say hi again.
Loser.
Chapter Five
Becca
My eyes burned.
I didn’t have many options when it came time to sleep. I wasn’t normally picky, thankful even for having an option at all, but sleeping in my car wasn’t exactly the pent house suite. I stopped at a gas station bathroom and dragged my bag in with me, locking myself inside so I could tidy up.
I changed my clothes, brushed my teeth, and washed my face. After applying deodorant and perfume I looked put together, when really I was falling apart. Rather than acknowledge why I felt that way, I examined my outfit. My jean shorts showed off my long legs and my boots reminded people I had tattoos for a reason. My black and white flannel shirt was open at the waist and tied, showing off my belly button, and the sleeves were pulled up, showing off the ink on my skin. I piled my hair into a bun and then returned to my car. I took a few minutes to do my makeup. Looking my best wasn’t for everyone else. I felt as though my best was lost, and any attempt to bring it forth again was one I was going to take.
I’d slept in the Wal-Mart parking lot the night before. It was bright and open twenty-four hours with security patrolling the area. Of course, if they were decent I wouldn’t have been able to sleep in my car under their noses, but then again most people in general were that way. They ignored the truth that was right in front of them in exchange for the lies they couldn't see. I wasn’t any different. After my makeup hid my restless night, I counted how much cash I had left. My debit was overdrawn and I didn’t get paid from the bar until next week. I was hoping I could write a check today when I went to look at rooms for rent. There were notices all over the bulletin board at the college. I’d plucked five options the night before that sounded good and hoped my assumptions weren’t wrong.
Fifteen dollars was all I had to my name and I was starving. I grabbed five and found a fast-food restaurant, buying a breakfast burrito and a coffee. As I ate in the parking lot I forbade myself to cry. I was a strong woman. I could do this. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t been in worse situations. Rain and I had to raise ourselves practically our entire lives. A drug addict cheating father and a doormat mother were not examples to follow.
When I was fifteen they left one night and didn’t come back. For weeks Rain and I waited. We ran out of money and food. We were starving and alone. When the state stepped in and took us I’d never seen my sister so broken. She’d held out hope that they would return until the last second. I’d sensed their permanent departure in my bones long before the state proved me right. She was the only reason I lived. I had to hold it together then and I had to hold it together now.
I sighed when I spotted my phone. James had texted me at an awful moment. I’d woken up from a nightmare where my father stood over my mother with his fist cocked. I wanted someone to be there like no one ever had. I shouldn’t have asked him to come help me pick out rooms, but I had, and now I’d have to live with the fact his sharp blue eyes were going to be in the same proximity as me.
A thought rose unbidden in my mind. I wanted to call him. We could talk about stupid things and I could forget the fact that I was losing my grip on my life. But the truth was I couldn’t call him. We couldn’t talk. I felt profoundly guilty for wanting that. I’m sure he wanted to talk to people too and hear their answers. I was having a weak moment. It seemed to be happening a lot lately.
Giving in, I grabbed my cell and pulled up James’s last message. His responses made me smile. He wasn’t a cocky, suave ladies’ man, that was for sure. It was interesting to meet a man that good-looking who had no idea how to utilize it. I wondered if other women could see how alluring his shyness was. Some sweet beautiful girl like Rain, who made him smile and finally feel confident.
I’ve never been a jealous woman and I wasn’t going to start now. If a man didn’t want me and he would prefer other women then so be it. But I would be lying if the image of James with someone else didn’t slightly unhinge me. It was just as shocking as my reaction to him. It left me breathless and confused. Men do not confuse me. They’re all the same. They’re not difficult to figure out or hard to predict.
But James wasn’t like other guys. It was clear he wasn’t. He was deaf, and though I didn’t mind it, I could tell he did. I had a feeling beyond his deafness lay other secrets. I could figure out some things about him. However, the rest was trapped in his head the way mine was trapped in my heart.
I closed his message before I did something stupid and desperate. Instead, I went through my contacts and searched for men I could use tonight. There was Corey, who growled during sex like a dog. He was covered in tattoos and had the sexiest ass I’d ever seen. So hard and taut I liked digging my nails into it. There was Heath, who liked to bend me over his lap and spank me until his hand hurt. Right now I wouldn’t mind a good spanking.
There are times in life where you have to look the other way. This was one of them.
Heath’s phone rang four rings before he answered it. “What’s up, Rebecca? It’s been a couple months.” His deep, rumbly voice immediately made sexy promises.
“You’ve been counting?”
“Every second,” he said. We both knew that was a lie. “I’m free tonight if you want to play.” He wasted no time.
I appreciated it. I had no time to waste either on pointless formalities. I just wanted the hollowness I spent my life ignoring to hide for one night. “What time?”
“Five. I have a business meeting tomorrow at six, so I’m in for the rest of the night.”
I have no idea what he did for a living, only that he could make me come. “I have a stipulation.”
“What?” He sounded amused.
I guessed it was amusing to him for me to implement some rules when he was usually the aggressor in bed. But what Heath didn’t know was that was a decision I made. I allowed him to have the power. Even when I released control it was under my rules.
“I have to sleep over. I don’t have a place to stay right now.”
“No,” he answered simply. “My girlfriend’s in Georgia on a trip. We’re going to play in the spare bedroom and then you’re going to leave like you always do.”
I trumped down my disappointment. “Fine, Heath.”
“Five,” he reminded me. “Bring a pair of black lace lingerie and a pair of black heels. Light perfume and makeup and leave your hair down. You won’t need anything else.” He hung up without waiting for a reply.
I didn’t have one for him that would please me, since they all required me to bow down, so in a way I was pleased by his gruffness. I usually was. This time, however, things felt different. I wasn’t relieved nor did I look forward to being his plaything tonight. Yet I’d do it. My mind might change and my body still needed release. I was capable of ignoring my brain when my body needed more from me than common sense.
I checked the time on my phone. I had a half-hour until I had to meet James. After talking to Heath I was secretly hoping it was noon already. I took my time driving to the first address on my list. When I got there I parked out front and gawked up at the peeling paint and metal over the windows. This was bound to be a disaster. I’d lived in some interesting places. When I went to L.A. for art school I lived in a studio apartment with five other people. There were two beds and a couch. It was like musical chairs every night to land a place to sleep. When I got sick of that I moved in with Gunther, a gay sex addict who preferred his romps loud and with as many partners as possible. I smirked at the memory and shook my head at myself. I could put up with a lot, but even that had pushed me over the edge. A rundown house wasn’t going to chase me away.
There was a hard knock on my window. I gasped a
nd spun around in my seat.
James raised his eyebrows and smiled apologetically. At least it looked apologetic. I hoped it was apologetic.
I grabbed my purse and pushed my door open, glaring at him as I exited my car. His hair was particularly messy this afternoon and his scruff still scruffy. His white shirt was plain and his jeans plainer. But his eyes, those damn blue eyes, were as sharp and vibrant as I remembered.
The moment I looked into them I felt the asphalt shift beneath my feet. It was worse than the gut-wrenching, soul-sucking, bottomless feeling from before. This one felt less emptying and more filling, as if everything I ran from just got chased away. My chest tightened and all I wanted in that moment was for James to tell me everything was going to be okay for the first time in my life. He looked as if he was feeling the same exact terrifying thing. His eyes were probably linked up with a parallel universe, where my emotions made no sense and night was day. This wasn’t really happening to me.
I ripped my gaze free of his and looked down. The ground was still there. The asphalt was cracked and there were weeds trying desperately to grow, like an imposing beautiful force that refused to be thwarted, but the ground hadn’t actually left me. His dark blue Converses were toe to toe with my boots. The day was blue and the night hadn’t arrived. I was still me and this was just a man.
Just one ordinary man.
Rather than explain myself, I shook the feeling off and reached over to once again remove his hair from his face. He watched me curiously as I ran my fingers through the silky brown strands, which smelled strongly of shampoo, woodsy and fresh. I pushed them off his forehead and then dropped my hands before I grabbed his face and tasted his lips again.
“Do you own a hairbrush?”
He shook his head and then ran his fingers through his hair, tracing the same path I took. “I’ll buy one,” he mouthed slowly, his cheeks flushed.
I watched his mouth and then risked looking into his eyes again. “Don’t. I like your hair messy.”
Without permission my hands were at it once more. I held his strong jaw and felt his scruff against my palms. I never held back when it came to men. I’ve always been confident. They wanted me to touch them anyway. Why deny either of us? But I kept second guessing myself around James. Should I touch him? Did he want me to or would he rather prefer the touch of that sweet perfect girl I envisioned him with? I imagine she’s pissed right now. I’m touching what’s hers.
“James?”
He swallowed hard.
I took it as his answer. “I’m going to let you go.” I made sure he knew exactly what I meant.
I wasn’t just letting go of him physically. I was letting him go right now and in the future.
That bottomless feeling was the kind of emotion that ripped you out from your soul. It took everything you knew and exchanged it for things you had no idea existed. And if something existed this long without me knowing it I had no right having it now.
His breathing deepened and his gaze filled with a fearful understanding.
Without waiting for his reply, I dropped my hands and stepped back. “Let’s go check out this room.”
I could feel him behind me as we walked across the brown front lawn. There were cigarette butts all over the porch and a sign over the doorbell that warned it was nonoperational. I knocked on the door and then stepped back, brushing against James’s side. I looked up at him to find his eyes were already on me. They were merciless.
Thankfully the door opened before I pushed him against the wall and took his mouth. However, my relief was short-lived. On the other side was a tall, skinny man with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. He had a buzz cut and his board shorts were hanging off his hips. But what really unnerved me was the intense smell of bleach and women’s perfume that emanated from the inside of his house.
“What?” he barked.
I cut to the chase. “Is the room still available?”
His gaze slid over my body, his look evil and dark. “Yeah. It’s in the back, sweetie.”
I stepped forward, but James grabbed my arm and pulled me back. He didn’t explain his actions as he led me away. I was surprised by his strong, firm grip. I had a feeling if I fought him he’d probably win. I chose not to fight him. I didn’t want to live here in a shitty house by myself with people I didn’t know. I wanted to live with my sister the way I had my entire life. So I let James lead me down the dry lawn and over to my car. He opened my door and pointed inside, and his expression was firm as he took his phone out and texted me.
James: Let’s go home, Becca. It’s over. You won. You made your point. Your sister is miserable. You miss her. It’s over.
I pocketed my cell and leaned against my car, biting down on the inside of my cheek. He wasn’t going to get an answer.
My options were running out. I had no money and doubted the rooms were going to increase in standard. And then I did something I never do. I fell against a man without knowing whether he’d let me. I wrapped my arms around James’s waist and buried my face against his chest. His arms were hesitant. Eventually they came around me, enveloping me in his protection. He smelled phenomenal and his chest was hard but comfortable. I dug my fingertips into his back and inhaled the smell of him. It was a strange connection. I’d hugged plenty of men before. Friends, boyfriends, lovers and not-so-lovers. Their arms came around me much the same way.
But I’d never felt as if everything was falling down around me and this pair of arms was the one thing that would keep me standing.
It tickled my sense of fear like nothing else ever had. Men did not hold me up. I learned at a young age I was the only person who could do that. When I was five and Rain was three I’d borrowed the neighbors’ pink bike and took it for a ride. My dad came out of the house just as I fell in the street. I skinned my knee and destroyed my elbow. I remembered picking out rocks from the cut and crying as the blood dripped down my arm. My leg hurt too badly to walk. I needed help up. But all my father did was tell me to stop crying and get in the house. The realization I was the only person responsible for my wellbeing was a lesson I’d kept with me. My father had done worse things following his lack of affection that day, far worse things, but his first bad thing always stuck with me.
I ignored many lessons people are supposed to accept in life. That would not be one of them.
I shoved him off of me, only feeling slightly guilty when he stumbled into the street. He looked confused and hurt. His hurt increased my guilt. Without his arms around me the entirety of my situation presented itself once again. Even my income from Second Chances wasn’t going to keep me afloat for long. All of my money would end up going to rent and everything else I required, however menial or important, wouldn’t matter. Objects were objects. I learned a long time ago that Rain and I didn’t need a mansion with everything painted in gold. We needed a place to sleep that was safe. In a way Rain was safe with Kent. For the first time the thought brought me a minor sense of relief.
He pulled his phone out, but I shook my head. I told him already. That was goodbye.
He texted me anyway.
James: Please come home.
His request would not bother me. I shook my head again and sat down, closing my car door.
James was still standing in the middle of the street when I got to the stop sign. I paused and stared, tracing his body—his long legs in his wrinkled jeans, his plain white shirt that hugged his torso, and his semi-messy brown hair that felt soft with my fingers in it. Even from all the way over there his eyes found me. They applied hooks to my back and attempted to pull me to him. I ripped them out and pressed down on the gas, leaving James behind the way I did the day he chased after Raina.
The way I left everyone.
Chapter Six
James
I tapped my pencil on my desk.
There were colleges who specified in teaching those who couldn’t hear. The schooling was probably way beyond what I was learning here, but I hadn’t
ever wanted to become complacent with my lack of hearing. Public school and college challenged me to exist in the normal world. At times like these though I almost wanted to be there.
Surrounded by a group of frat boys and their cohorts, I’d picked a seat in the back the way I always do. I couldn’t hear the teacher anyway, so why bother sitting close? All of my teachers were aware of my inability and were nice enough to email me the lectures, and though I considered it useless, they still required my presence in class for my grade. Normally I didn’t mind being the one sole person with a hearing problem in a room full of normal people. Who would pick me out with all of them around? I couldn’t avoid the world completely because their words were undetectable. Right now I wanted to.
Can you hear yourself cum?
I stared down at the note on my desk. It was written on a piece of notebook paper in sloppy writing. I shoved it off and ignored the frat boys, pulling my hood more over my head to hide them from my sights. There were too many of them and only one of me. I could fight them, but there’d just be more tomorrow. And really, I wasn’t aware I was the one with the problem. They seemed to get off on torturing me. Nothing got me off.
The note reappeared with another question.
You do know what cum means right? It’s what you’ll never make a girl do.
I picked up my pen and wrote back.
I know what it means. It’s what I did to your mom last night. I couldn’t hear her, but she came all over my dick. By the way? Nice family photos.
I folded it in half and handed it over to him with a smile. He was a big guy with spikey black hair and a Rolex on. Some spoiled rich chump trying to impress his friends.
My Vicious Demise (Demise #2) Page 5
