His face shifted to bright red and his jaw clenched as he read my note. He bolted up and grabbed me by my arm, cocking his fist back as he said something. It’d been a long week. Ever since Becca looked at me like I was everything that was wrong with this world and drove away, I’ve been in a fog. I cared about less and didn’t even feel like bothering with the rest. Kent stopped asking me what was wrong and Raina kept giving me that sad, concerned look. To make matters worse, Tess was about to watch me get knocked out. His fist connected with my left cheek, smashing my face in. This wasn’t the first time I’d taken a hit. I knew what was going to happen.
My eyes rolled into the back of my head and I watched the floor come rushing up to greet me…
Someone was touching my face gingerly. I blinked up at soft, warm brown eyes and pink-stained puffy cheeks. Tess had the most adorable cheeks. I wanted to kiss them constantly. She said something but my eyes were blurry. My face throbbed. Tess stopped my hand from prodding it and held my head in her lap.
My professor loomed over me. Some truly didn’t understand that I couldn’t hear until they talked. It took him a minute and then he remembered he was talking to a deaf person. He instead spoke to Tess, who replied with a nod.
Tess pulled on my arm. It was about that time I realized that I was lying on my back with my head in Tess’s lap at the back of the class and the spikey-haired prick was gone. I pulled my arm from her grip and struggled to my feet. I didn’t need her pity. I got it. I understood it. She didn’t want a defective loser. Why bother coming to my rescue after throwing me overboard?
My footing was wobbly but I managed not to fall over again. I was dizzy and my eyes were still focusing. Everyone was staring at me. Some were laughing, some were bored, and others pitied me. All three reactions were the final straw.
I grabbed my backpack and stuffed it with my things, and then I got out of there before someone else wanted to write me another letter.
The cool air wrapped around me when I got outside. I paused in the common area and put my head back, taking a deep breath and staring up at the clear blue sky.
Her gold-green eyes held so much pain and fear in them. What had I done to make her look at me like that? As if my entire life was the reason hers was ruined. All I did was hug her. She was the one who hugged me first. But she’d felt so good in my arms and before I could stop myself I held her to me as hard as I could. Her body molded against my chest perfectly and she smelled like pineapples and something else, something warm and comforting. I could smell her now. I closed my eyes and thought I wouldn’t mind having her here with me. I scared Becca away before there was anything to run from.
I ruined everything. I guessed I shouldn’t be shocked that I ruined this as well.
Someone grabbed my arm.
Hope sliced through me. I looked over, hoping it would be her, but of course it wasn’t her. Why did I even want it to be? Becca could have her pick of any man on this planet. Why would she waste her time with me?
I watched Tess’s mouth. “Are you okay?” she asked. She reached for my face, examining my wound. “Why did he hit you?”
I cringed when she pressed on my cheek and pulled free, glaring at her for more than bothering my wound.
She stepped back with a guilty expression. She wrung her hands together, only looking at me for as long as she had to.
I knew in that moment whatever we had was over. She couldn’t even look at me. It hurt worse than the black eye I would undoubtedly have. Worse than the look on her face when she heard me talk. Not meeting my eyes meant she never wanted to do so to begin with. I felt her dismissal all over. Combined with Becca’s, plus getting knocked out, and I was nearing my breaking point. I stumbled away and left her there for good. Tess Kelley was gone. She was probably never really there. Maybe Kent was right. I got attached to women too quickly.
I should give up and resign myself to easy lays. That’s all women wanted. Sex and a goodbye kiss. It wasn’t their fault I was deaf. I shouldn’t expect them to accept something I still struggled with myself.
Before my next class I stopped in the bathroom and assessed the damage. My cheek was swollen below my left eye. Blood trickled out of a split in the middle of the bruise. I grabbed a wad of tissue and wiped it off, avoiding my own gaze in the mirror. I never gave in to the bullying and reacted. Engaging with them was sometimes worse than ignoring it. It had been a part of my life since I lost my hearing and moved to Tampa to live with Uma. Kent fought for me more than I did myself. I was losing my grip on things lately. I couldn’t figure out where I was going, why I was going there, and why it mattered whether I got there in the end. Going nowhere fast took on a completely new meaning in my head.
Why did I have to talk in front of Tess? Why did Becca have to look at me like I was something better forgotten?
I needed a beer.
It was Friday and the beginning of spring break. I could feel the excitement in the air as I walked to my car after my classes were over. Frat boys and sorority girls were in the parking lot with banners, having a tailgating party to kick off the night. I ignored them the way they ignored me. I didn’t feel left out of their excitement. There was a list to get in and my name would never be on it. I accepted that, even preferred it.
But after Tess and Becca, I wanted one more girl to make me erase the two who didn’t want me.
Before I got home I stopped at the store and bought frozen pizza, a six-pack, and ice for my face. Kent and Raina were making out on the couch when I came in. I rolled my eyes and put my stuff in the fridge. I grabbed a beer and twisted the lid off, chugging it fast and quick. Kent stared at me over the top of the couch when I slammed the bottle down, giving me his I know you’re hiding something look.
“We’re going to Tampa for spring break,” he informed me, signing it quickly.
I shrugged. “Have fun,” I told him out loud, turning away slightly to hide my wound.
Raina turned around, stared at her hand, and then attempted to join in. “What will you do while we’re gone?”
I cracked a smile and corrected her incorrect usage of the word gone. If I hadn’t read her lips I would have thought they were going to space. “The same thing I do when you’re here. Listen to music, write a song, run game on the girl in apartment sixteen.”
Raina rolled her eyes and turned around, probably picking up on my desire not to talk.
Kent grinned, either ignoring my obvious disinterest or not caring. I suspected the latter.
“You noticed her too?” he signed, but out loud I could’ve sworn he said, “You have no game.”
Without answering either of them I grabbed the remainder of my six-pack and kicked off my spring break with a pathetic bang. After a few hours of playing video games I gave up and put the television on, scrolling through the channels until I stumbled upon the egregious side of midnight. I watched the red-haired babe ride her cohost. Kent liked to joke that I spent all my time in my room masturbating watching porn, when really I only did it when my balls felt like they were going to explode. No woman had ever made me lose it. There’d never been one who was so hot, sexy, and enticing that I had to have her. I’m sure they existed, but they weren’t knocking down my door.
Sex was more of a consensual act of release than lust and passion for me. Even the people on TV weren’t lustful and passionate. This was their job. They went home and forgot all about the fake, pathetic sex that brought them together.
I understood it better than I’d like. Love wasn’t a requirement for sex. It wasn’t even necessary. I’d never loved a single woman in my entire life other than Uma, and even that relationship was formed out of necessity.
An image flashed in my mind of a woman with golden-brown hair and wide green eyes. She screamed at me to get out and dropped her needle, cursing at me through the door while I cried in the living room by myself. I didn’t love her. Why did I think of her? The image of my mother revolted me.
I bolted off the couch and paced m
y room, trying to shake her from my mind.
It had been fifteen years since I last saw her. Her face was as clear in my mind today as it was the seven years I lived with her. My chest caved in on me and before I knew it I was dressed and in my truck. I blinked and looked around, trying not to think about the bones cracking in my chest. I grabbed at it and tried to breathe, but my breathing was too shallow to be calming. I threw my car in drive and pulled out, needing to get away from myself. When I parked my truck I looked up at Second Chances and refused to question why I ended up here. Pretending I didn’t know was a lie I was willing to swallow.
I knew exactly why I ended up here.
The bar was packed to the brim. There was a bouncer out front this time checking IDs. After finally getting in, I shoved bodies out of my way to get to the bar, scanning the bartenders like a lonely dog. My stomach dropped when I couldn’t find her. There were two men, one red-headed female, and that big guy who Becca hugged last time. I searched the booths and the bathroom for her, then went over to the bar and waved the big guy over when I couldn’t locate her on my own. His nametag read Max. Desperation made me unthinking. My chest was caving in on me and the part of my past I fought to keep hidden was threatening to come through.
Max said something but his words were sloppy. I couldn’t read his lips. He never closed his mouth when he talked, which made it impossible to determine his words. I frowned and shook my head, pointing at my ear.
He leaned closer. The guy was huge—easily two hundred fifty and over six feet. But right now I’d knock him out if he didn’t give me what I wanted.
I gave up on reading his lips and mouthed, “Becca.”
He said two words but I only caught the last one. “—off.”
My heart plummeted. She wasn’t working tonight.
I shoved away from the bar and grabbed my phone, texting her without thinking. All I knew was I wanted her right now, in this second with me.
I needed her.
James: Where are you?
I sat on the curb out front, watching cars drive by and the streetlights change. Green…yellow…red. Over and over again, waiting for her to reply. Something told me she wasn’t going to. She didn’t want anything to do with me, just like everyone else.
James: Becca please.
I kept going, growing more and more agitated when she didn’t answer my texts. I imagined her with a man, their bodies tangled. That’s probably why she wasn’t answering me. Rage moved through me so quickly I was sick to my stomach. My texts felt angry, but as I read them over they sounded desperate. Begging and disgusting. She kissed me. She invited me. She did those things. The one time I needed something from her and she was probably doing something for someone else. Someone who could have her, talk to her, and keep her.
After an hour of no reply I stood up, let Becca go in an instant, and went back into the bar. It took me a while but I finally met a girl who found my lack of responses acceptable. I taught her the signs for “take my panties off,” and then I did just that. I slipped between her legs in my truck and proved myself right.
I was desperate.
Then I went home and forgot about the fake, pathetic sex that brought us together.
Chapter Seven
Becca
“See you next weekend?” I asked.
Even to my own ears my voice sounded empty.
Heath yawned as he watched me dress. He was sprawled out on the bed naked, eyes heavy-lidded from our night together. My ass was sore from his hand and my lips were tender. He liked to bite when he kissed. Frankly, he was a little too rough. Normally I was into it completely, craved it. But it was hard to get into something when you were wrought with guilt the entire time. James’s texts from last night haunted me. I put my panties back on and then my bra.
“Can’t wait,” Heath drawled, pushing to his feet and grabbing his slacks. “I want you in pink next time. Pink lace with white heels. Hair in a ponytail.” He walked past me and slapped my ass. “You know your way out.” And then he left me alone.
I glared at his retreating back. I felt dirty. I was dirty. I needed a shower but didn’t want to overstay my warm welcome. I hopped into my jeans and pulled my gray hoodie over my head and then put my hair into a messy bun. I grabbed my purse and quickly tied my boots, leaving Heath’s house behind. I smelled like him. Like overly spiced cologne and whatever aftershave he wore. My ass stung and I didn’t feel like he did anything but make the ground beneath my feet even less stable. The loneliness inside of me wanted free range tonight.
I set it free and burned.
Tears trailed down my face and my heart couldn’t take it anymore. It exploded all over the interior of my car. Blood trailed down my steering wheel. I could smell the metallic odor as if it were real. It was so strong. Mixed with the scent of Heath and the events of last week, and my ground had never been more unstable.
I pulled over on an unknown street and curled into a ball in the front seat. I wanted my sister. My baby sister. But she chose a man over me. One just like our father. She took all of my work and threw it in my face. I gave her my life, which was falling apart without her. Or maybe my life was always falling apart. Maybe Rain was the only thing keeping me together all that time. Without her I had no reason to fight this battle anymore. I’m so tired of fighting.
This battle was killing me.
I clumsily grabbed my phone out of my purse and pulled up Raina’s last text message to me from six months ago, ignoring James’s in the process.
Raina: I love you, Becca. Please don’t let them take you from me.
She was talking about our parents. She lived in fear of them and I tried to prove them wrong. Perhaps Raina had the right idea all along, or maybe I did, or maybe, just maybe, we were both wrong. How could either of us be right growing up in that house? With a father who got blasted every night and came home smelling like other women with hickeys all over his neck and then screamed at my mother all night when she called him out on it. Their fights could last for days. Sometimes I would even hear them in my sleep. Rain would shake when she was little. I would hold her in my arms and cover her ears and fight to sleep as Mom fought Dad off. As he threw her around the room and broke her. As he broke his daughters in half and left the pieces.
My phone slid out of my hand and I fell forward, sobbing in a way I didn’t usually permit. My back ached from the pressure. My body felt like it was too full and there was a leak, and that leak would grow larger, until my insides escaped, leaving me truly empty.
I couldn’t stand the sound of my tears. They only made me cry harder. I crawled into the backseat and curled up with my stuff, shutting out the smell of Heath’s body all over mine. I fell asleep staring up at the moon. It was full and bright tonight, bleeding silver and purple. And on the edge was a sharp, brilliant blue. It comforted me, easing me into a sense of safety until I lost consciousness.
My body was creaky when I woke up. I unfolded myself and moved to the front seat, blinking tiredly at the rising sun. My eyes burned and my mouth tasted like balls. I dug around in my purse for a stick of gum and then settled on an old dusty Halls. One look in my compact and I slammed it shut, not in the mood for once to think about my appearance.
Instead I wanted to draw, to disappear into my imaginings. I found my sketchbook and a half-broken pencil, and then touched the dull tip to a blank sheet of paper. I didn’t realize what I was drawing until a tear dotted the paper. Rain’s smiling face stared back at me, eyes kind and good even after all she’d been through. I wished I had brown and green for her eyes, some peach for her cheeks, and a time machine so I could go back in time and choose her.
Of course I choose you, Rain.
It had been six months since I’ve heard her voice. I didn’t know her new number. But I had Kent’s. I stared at his name for almost twenty minutes before I gave in. It rang twice. Only twice.
“About damn time,” he rumbled.
His voice made me cringe. “Where is she?”
“She’s sleeping. We drove all night to Tampa so she’s pretty spent.”
My hopes dissipated. “You’re not in Jacksonville?”
“We went to Tampa for spring break. My brother and his fiancée are here also. Mom wanted us home. Why’d you wait so long, Becca?” He sounded emotional. It wasn’t something I thought he was capable of. “She’s fucking miserable. She only sleeps after I can convince her that you’ll come back. Every night.”
Kent Nicholson would not make me cry. “She chose you.”
“She never chose me. It’s not a competition. She can love us both. She’s my wife. I’m going to love that woman forever. I’d love for you to be a part of that. I know Rain would.”
I snorted. “You’d love for me to be a part of it? You can’t stand me.”
“Not denying it,” he admitted. “But we’ve never tried to get along. I’m sure we could manage for her. Couldn’t we, Becca?”
“Kent,” I whispered, on the verge of letting go again. I leaned my head against the window and tried to breathe through the tears.
“I love her. I promised to make her happy. Do you know how hard you’re making that for me? Come home. We want you home.”
“Stop talking.” My ground was shaking again. “Can you promise me something?”
“What?”
“Don’t be my father. Raina doesn’t deserve that.” I gave up. I let my tears go. “Please don’t be my father. I tried so hard to protect her from him.” I sacrificed myself for her. “Please don’t ruin her.”
“I promise with everything inside of me to be everything she deserves. I will never be your father. I love her. No matter what, forever. She’s all I want. I didn’t mean to hurt her when we met. I was just trying not to hurt myself. I promise, Becca. You have to believe me.” His voice cracked and Kent Nicholson maybe let go too. “I promise.”
My Vicious Demise (Demise #2) Page 6
