Forgiven

by Vanessa Miller

  “I’m with you, Max. I told y’all how she talked about Lily and refused to watch her,” JT said.

  “I would have gone off right then and there. You get extra points in heaven for not going to jail that day,” Max said.

  “I might have to agree with y’all on that one. I don’t know what I’d do if someone attacked one of my children when they were helpless babies,” Unders said.

  They were saved and pastors of churches, but they still would bleed if you cut them. And right now, JT was cut all up. He didn’t know what to do anymore, didn’t know how Cassandra was going to act – but he needed her to be on his side. Thinking out loud he said, “I’m taking the kids home after our breakfast, so we’ll see what she says.”

  Max covered Jerome’s ears, leaned over to JT and said, “Look, I know you’re still trying to get some b-e-d-r-o-o-m,” he spelled out bedroom just in case Jerome could still hear him and continued, “action going on, but there’s only so much a man can take. You need to put your foot down on this one.”

  When Max let go of Jerome, he looked up at JT and said, “What did he spell, Dad?”

  “He was talking to me, Jerome. Not to my nosey four year old son. Sit there and eat Mr. Max’s toast until I order you something,” JT said as he picked up the menu and found something he, Jerome and Aaron could share. JT knew he wouldn’t get full, but his funds stayed low these days, and he and Cassandra were getting used to being on a budget again.

  The three men caught up on each other’s lives and the things going on in their ministries as they ate breakfast together. JT couldn’t talk about his personal issues because he had Jerome with him, and he knew that his son would repeat everything he said.

  When they finished eating, JT gathered his sons, put them back in the car and drove home to hand them over to Cassandra so he could go to work. He hated to bring the kids back to Cassandra on her free day, but he couldn’t take the kids to Ms. Shirley right now - he just couldn’t afford it this month. He took the boys out of the car and they ran up to the front door. JT figured that Mattie had already called Cassandra, so she was probably in the living room waiting on him. He opened the door and hollered, “Honey, we’re back.”

  When there was no response, JT ran up the stairs and went into their bedroom. But Cassandra wasn’t in the bedroom. He came back downstairs and looked on the refrigerator to see if she’d left him a message about an errand she had to run. No message.

  “Can we go play in our room, Daddy?” Jerome asked for him and Aaron.

  “Yeah, go ahead. I need to figure out where I’m going to take you guys for the day if Mom doesn’t return soon,” he said as he helped Aaron up the stairs.

  As he was putting the child proof gate against the stairway, his cell phone rang. He didn’t recognize the number, so when he opened his flip phone and put it to his ear he asked, “Cassandra, is that you?”

  “One time when we were laying in bed together you called me Cassandra. I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now,” the caller told JT.

  “Who is this?” JT demanded.

  “You know, JT, I’m really offended that you don’t know the voice of a woman you have shared so much with. I mean, after all, we do have a child together.”

  JT still didn’t recognize the voice. So with an arched brow he said, “Diane?”

  “Unless you’ve had more kids outside your marriage, I would say you can stop guessing.”

  “Where have you been?” JT wanted to know.

  “Miss me?”

  “Diane, you left Lily with us for eight months without calling or anything. What kind of mother does that?”

  “Don’t you start lecturing me, Pastor.” She said the word pastor as if she were calling him a pimp or a drug dealer.

  “What do you want, Diane?”

  “Nothing much. I just called to tell you that I’m back in town and that Joe and I want you to bring Lily back home. We don’t need you to babysit anymore.”

  “Over my dead body! You abandoned Lily, and I’m not about to give her back so you can leave her God knows where the next time you decide being a parent isn’t a good fit for you.”

  “You listen to me, JT. You will give my daughter back to me. I won’t have her living with you and your stupid wife. I want her back.”

  “Then you should have thought about that before you left her on our doorstep. I’ll see you in court next month,” JT said as he hit the end button to disconnect the call. JT shook his head at the audacity of Diane Benson. The woman was just as miserable as his monster-in-law. Neither of them wanted to see anyone else happy. How in the world had he allowed himself to get caught up with that woman?

  Before he could ponder that question, his cell phone rang again. Looking at the caller ID, JT recognized the number. It was Lamont Stevens, his old friend Jimmy Littleton’s son. It had taken JT three months to locate Lamont, then another three months to even get the young man to talk to him. But a promise was a promise. JT owed Jimmy, and since Jimmy would be in prison for more than a decade, he’d promised to give Lamont what he owed Jimmy. JT flipped open his phone and said, “Hey, Lamont, what’s going on?”

  “Lamont’s been in an accident, Mr. Thomas. He asked me to call. He wants to see you,” the female voice on the other end of phone said.

  This cannot be happening. JT raked his hand through his hair as he asked, “How is he doing?”

  “Not good. I think you better get here tonight.”

  Four

  As she sat on Dr. Clarkson’s couch for the second Tuesday in a row, she wondered again how things had gotten this bad for her. She folded her hands in her lap and sat there waiting for Dr. Clarkson to say something that would give her reason to hope again.

  “So how did things go for you and your husband this week, Cassandra?”

  Cassandra didn’t like the idea of having to see a psychologist, but she hated the thought of wasting money even more. So, if she had to be in this office, she wasn’t going to waste time playing games. She opened her mouth and told Dr. Clarkson, “Nothing has changed. JT has been loving and kind to me since I moved back home, but we still haven’t been able to make love. I freeze up every time he touches me, and I don’t understand it; I love my husband. I really want our marriage to work, so why am I pushing him away?”

  “Have you had anymore panic attacks?” Dr. Clarkson asked her.

  “Last night,” Cassandra said in a timid, small voice.

  “How did you feel when it happened?”

  Wringing her hands together, Cassandra said, “Awful. JT thinks that I don’t want to be with him in that way. And that’s just not true, but I can’t stop my body from freaking out when he touches me.”

  Dr. Clarkson wrote something on his notepad, he then looked over at Cassandra and asked, “Are you still angry with JT about the affair?”

  “Which one?” Cassandra asked then lifted her hand. “I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just that JT has had multiple affairs, and even though I believe that he has finally changed, I still think about what he did. But if I were still angry with him, I wouldn’t have moved back home.”

  “Then who are you angry with?”

  Cassandra was sitting on the edge of Dr. Clarkson’s couch, but she felt as if she should lie down and explore that question. Sometimes she was angry with her mom and Bishop Turner. They’d lied to her since the day she was born and it wasn’t until last year that she discovered the truth about a man she had adored as a godfather. But she knew they weren’t the reason for her panic attacks.

  She should be angry with Vivian Sampson, the woman who stabbed her after having an affair with JT. And she definitely should be angry with Diane Benson, the woman who left her and JT’s love child on her doorstep.

  If the truth was told, Cassandra was still too numb to be angry with those two women. She looked at Dr. Clarkson with new found knowledge in her eyes. “I told you about the ordeal I went through with not only my husband, but my mother and father sever
al months back.”

  “Yes, you did.”

  “Anyone would be well within their rights to be angry at any of the people in my life. I thought I had forgiven all of them, but if I’m numb, how do I know if I’ve truly forgiven them?”

  “That is what you need to figure out. It has been my experience that Christians feel that God is against anger. But sometimes you need to go through those emotions in order to not just pay lip service with forgiveness.”

  “And that’s what you think I’m doing? Just paying lip service with forgiveness?

  “That’s something you’ll need to figure out. Look deep, Cassandra. There has to be a reason for your panic attacks.”

  ***

  All the way home Cassandra kept trying to find her anger. She scrunched her eyebrows and concentrated on all the wrong that had been done to her over the years. She even went way back to old boyfriends and high school friends who betrayed her trust. But still she couldn’t muster any anger for any of it. Over the years she had perfected a dutiful silence that got her through the rough times with JT, but had she allowed her coping mechanism to turn her into a zombie?

  As she pulled up to her house, she noticed JT’s car in the driveway. She wondered why JT was at home. It wasn’t even noon, so he couldn’t be home for lunch. Cassandra parked next to JT’s car and then got out of her car.

  JT opened the door, and as soon as she walked in, without saying hello, he demanded, “Where have you been?”

  “Out,” Cassandra said as she walked passed him.

  JT followed behind her. “Out where? Did you go to the grocery store or the mall?

  Cassandra stopped walking and turned to face her husband. “What’s the big deal, JT? I just went out for a while. Tuesday is my day, remember? So, I can do what I want.”

  “I called your cell phone several times but it kept going straight to your voicemail.”

  Cassandra laughed. “Is that why you’re acting like a murder has just been committed and I need to come up with an alibi? My phone died on me. I forgot to charge it this morning.”

  JT backed off and said, “Look, I didn’t mean to jump at you. Something has happened, though.”

  Worry lines etched across Cassandra’s forehead. “What happened? Is it one of the kids?” She ran to the phone and picked it up.

  JT followed behind her. “The boys aren’t at your mother’s house. They’re upstairs taking a nap.”

  She put the phone down and turned back to JT. “Nothing is wrong with Lily? Please, JT, don’t tell me anything else has happened to that little girl?” Cassandra had become very protective of Lily after she’d been kidnapped by JT’s ex-lover, Vivian Sampson. But it was more than that. From the day Diane left Lily on their doorstep, Cassandra knew the little girl would have a special place in her heart.

  JT gently grabbed Cassandra’s hands and walked her over to the couch and sat down with her. “No, baby, nothing has happened to Lily. It’s Lamont.”

  “Who?” Cassandra asked as if JT were speaking a foreign language.

  “Lamont Stevens, Jimmy Littleton’s son. You know, the one I’ve been ministering to for the last few months.”

  Recognition flashed in Cassandra’s eyes. “The one you said seems to be following in his father’s footsteps?”

  “Yeah, well he’s been in an accident. I don’t know if it was a car or that motorcycle of his. The girl who called me said he’s not doing too well. I need to get to New Orleans tonight.”

  “Oh, JT, I’m sorry. I know how much you wanted to help turn that kid around.”

  “God willing, I’ve still got time. But I need to leave you with the kids. Is that going to be a problem?”

  “Go on to New Orleans, JT. I’ll get my mother to help me with the kids.”

  JT lifted a hand as he shook his head. “That’s another thing. I don’t want your mother watching our children anymore.”

  Anger flashed in Cassandra’s eyes as her hands went to her hips. “That’s not right, JT. You already took Lily from her, now you want to take the boys away.”

  “Why do you choose to believe your mother over me? I didn’t take Lily from Mattie, like she told you. She refused to keep Lily. As a matter of fact, she told me that no illegitimate children were allowed in her house.”

  Cassandra couldn’t believe that her mother would say something like that. Not with the knowledge that she herself was illegitimate. “You misunderstood her, JT. There’s no way she would say something like that.”

  “Did I misunderstand her this morning when she told my children that I was the devil?”

  Cassandra’s eyes bulged. “She said that?”

  “And a whole lot more.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me any of this was going on? She gave me her word that she would be nice to you.”

  JT lowered his head so that he wasn’t making eye contact with Cassandra when he answered, “You haven’t been acting yourself lately. I didn’t want to add to whatever else has been stressing you.”

  Cassandra stood up and protested. “I’m fine. Just because I don’t want to have sex doesn’t mean I’m a mental case, and that I have to be treated gently so that I won’t have a nervous breakdown.”

  JT stood. “I never said you were mental.” He waved his hands in the air. “Look, I don’t have time to have this discussion with you right now. I’ve already packed a bag, but I need you to pick Lily up from Ms. Shirley’s. And please don’t have your mother over here while I’m gone.”

  “Not a problem,” Cassandra said while folding her arms across her chest. She had a couple things she wanted to say to him, but in traditional fashion, her mouth remained closed while the minion inside was balling its fist, aching for a fight. But what Cassandra didn’t understand was why she’d chosen this moment to be upset with JT when he was only trying to go help someone.

  JT picked his overnight bag up out of the hallway, walked back over to Cassandra and tried to kiss her.

  Cassandra turned her face away from his kiss and said, “I’ll see you when you get back.”

  The look on his face questioned her, but he said, “I love you, Cassandra. I won’t be gone long.”

  She walked him to the door without saying a word, but as she watched him pull out of the driveway, Cassandra picked up the phone and called her mother. She asked her to come hang out with her for a couple of days. JT wouldn’t like it, but she didn’t care. Cassandra hung up the phone thinking, I really need to do something about my passive-aggressive behavior.

  Five

  JT arrived in New Orleans a little before five o’clock that evening. He took a cab to Charity Hospital. When he was dropped off, he ran straight to the visitor’s station and asked for Lamont’s room.

  “He’s in ICU, sir. Only family can see him right now.”

  “I’m a clergy,” JT told the woman. “His family called and asked me to come see him.”

  “Let me call the nurse’s station on his floor.” She picked up the phone, dialed and then turned her back to him as she spoke on the phone. When she hung the phone up, she turned back to JT and gave him the room number.

  “Thanks,” JT said as he ran toward the elevators the woman directed him to. He didn’t know how much time Lamont had left, but he knew for sure that the boy was still alive. The nurse on Lamont’s floor wouldn’t have okayed his visit if Lamont was dead.

  As JT jumped off the elevator on Lamont’s floor and looked for the direction he needed to go in order to find the room, he heard loud painful sobs. He hated that anyone was in that much pain, but he prayed that those sobs were not for Lamont.

  He’d promised Jimmy that he would look after his son, help him become a better man than either he or Jimmy turned out to be. Lamont was only nineteen years old. His entire life was in front of him. JT just couldn’t accept that this might be the end.

  As he turned the corner, he bowed his head respectfully to the men and women lining the walls of the corridor with tears streaming down their faces.
One teenage girl with fat cornrows in her head, slid down the wall as she screamed, “Why God? Why her?”

  JT wanted to go to her. He wanted to reach out to each and every one of them, but his place was two doors down the hallway. No one stood in front of Lamont’s door. If the woman who called him could be believed, the boy was close to death. Where were his loved ones?

  He opened the door to Lamont’s room and found it to be just as empty inside as out. Only Lamont was in his room. He probably would have left himself, if he hadn’t been tied to an IV and oxygen tank. As JT stood beside Lamont’s bed, he realized that he could have just as easily been looking at Jimmy when the two of them were nineteen. He had those same bushy eyebrows and wavy hair that Jimmy used to say drove women wild.

  The girl who’d called said that Lamont had asked for him just before going into surgery. JT looked at his watch. Lamont had probably been out of surgery for three or four hours now, but he was still knocked out. And if the monitor observing his heart rate was telling the truth, he wasn’t doing too good. JT put his hand in Lamont’s and gently squeezed it. “Hang in there, man. Don’t give up.”

  JT’s cell phone rang. He took it off the holder hooked to his jeans and looked at the caller ID. It was Lamont’s number again. He pushed talk and said, “Hey, where are you?”

  “I had to get out of there. Sonya’s people showed up, and I didn’t want to be on the same floor with them when they found out she was dead.”

  “Who is Sonya? What’s going on?” JT asked. But before the girl could answer, Lamont’s door swung open and banged against the wall. The sound was so loud that even in his comatose state, Lamont flinched.

  This huge man, about 6’9, stood in the doorway with nostrils flaring. He was staring at JT the same way Deacon Benson had stared at JT when he attacked him for fooling around with his wife. But this giant’s anger wasn’t directed at JT.