Forgiven

by Vanessa Miller

  JT had never loved Mona. He’d married her because he thought she had been pregnant with his child. But that proved to be a lie. So when he found her in bed with another man; that became JT’s one-way ticket out of a bad marriage. He’d never looked back. But this was Cassandra. The mother of his children and the love he had waited a lifetime for. Could he walk away from her without looking back?

  “What’s eating at you?” Lamont asked as JT walked back in the hospital room with him.

  “What are you talking about?” JT asked while putting his cell phone back on his hip clamp.

  “You look like your woman just ran off with the mailman.”

  JT tried to laugh, but it sounded forced. He jokingly said, “My kids run my wife in too many circles for her to have time to say more than three words to our mailman.” JT bent down and picked up his duffel bag. He turned back to Lamont. “My flight leaves in a couple of hours.”

  A sorrowful expression appeared in Lamont’s eyes. JT wanted to hug the boy, just as if he was his very own son. They had come a long way from the day Lamont blew him off in that restaurant.

  “Now what are you looking all sad for? You don’t even have a wife, so no mailman stole her away from you.”

  “I think I’m going to miss you hanging around here,” Lamont said honestly.

  JT pointed a finger at him. “You just remember your promise. The minute you finish the rehab for your arm, you’re going to get on a plane and come stay with me and Cassandra.”

  Lamont nodded. “You’ve got my word on that. This accident convinced me that I need to change my life. I also figured that I need to start hanging around a better class of people.”

  “Amen to that.” JT walked closer to Lamont, shook his good hand and then said, “I’m glad I met you. You’re a good guy.”

  “All right, all right, enough with all this touchy feely stuff. Get on home to your wife before she forgets what you look like.”

  Another toneless laugh escaped JT’s mouth as he walked out of the room. In truth, JT was sick at the thought that another man might just have wiped his memory out of Cassandra’s heart. On the plane ride home, JT told himself over and over again that he wouldn’t be able to deal with Cassandra cheating on him. He’d left Mona the minute he discovered her cheating ways and JT feared he would do the same if Cassandra confirmed his suspicions. Men were built different than women. JT had had sleepless nights ever since he opened that god awful picture mail. Every time he tried to close his eyes he would picture Cassandra in another man’s arms.

  Now he knew for sure the awful pain of rejection and uncertainty that he’d put his wife through with his unfaithful actions. He would buy her a thousand roses, pluck the petals off of each one and lay them at her feet to thank her for taking him back. After going through the agony of betrayal he’d endured this week, he honestly didn’t know how Cassandra had found it in her heart to forgive him.

  But had she really forgiven him? Wasn’t that why she had those panic attacks when he tried to touch her? Maybe Cassandra couldn’t forgive either. Maybe that’s why she took up with this other guy… to forget the pain and misery he’d brought her.

  When he got off the plane he walked toward the baggage area like a man on death row, walking his last mile. His heart was so heavy; he’d almost convinced himself that he didn’t want to know the truth. He wouldn’t ask Cassandra anything when he got home, they’d just go on living the way they had been. But he knew he couldn’t do that. His pride wouldn’t allow him to live like that.

  JT then realized that the prideful part of him had been whispering in his ear ever since he saw that picture of Cassandra. Hadn’t Cassandra relinquished her pride when she took him back?

  He picked up his bag and turned to go get his car out of the long term parking lot as an older couple caught his attention. They didn’t look ageless or beautiful. They looked tired and worn out, like they had weathered many a storm, but the way they held hands and smiled at one another told JT they had been victorious. And now as they entered the twilight of their lives they were at peace with each other.

  It was at that moment that JT decided his pride would not cost him a lifetime with the woman he loved. He would grow old and wrinkly with Cassandra even if he had to forgive her for infidelity. Maybe he would have a few panic attacks like Cassandra had been doing lately, but they’d get through that as well. With renewed vigor, JT headed toward his car. His mind was set. He was going home to fight for his marriage.

  ***

  Cassandra had taken to her bed with weeping and moaning. She was miserable and she couldn’t even call Dr. Clarkson for an appointment for fear that Diane would be lurking someplace, trying to take another picture of them. Everything was going wrong. Her mother was mad at her, JT was mad at her. But on the other hand, she was mad at her mother and she was mad at JT, also. It was a vicious circle that was taking her round and round and Cassandra didn’t know how to stop the ride and get off.

  She continued to weep silently into her pillow as she curled up in a ball on her bed. The night Diane did her heavy breathing on her telephone, Cassandra had figured out what the problem was. She was so bound up with fear that JT would break her heart again that she couldn’t move forward.

  Cassandra wanted her marriage to work, but how could it when she was so afraid all the time? The minute JT walked out the door, she found herself wondering if he would meet someone and have another affair. If he was late getting home or didn’t answer her call, she imagined all types of illicit activity going on. She was tired of it and knew she couldn’t live like this much longer, but she had no one to turn to, and didn’t know who could help her. And then for no particular reason at all in between sobs Cassandra began to hum the words to a Mary Mary song. She hummed and cried, hummed and cried until she got to the part that said, Maybe you’re confused about who I really am… I’m God.

  Cassandra sat up and lifted her head as though she was looking at heaven and began to pray. “Is that it, Lord? Am I going through all this misery because I’ve been trying to lean on everyone but You? Please help me, Lord. What do I need to do?”

  She continued to sit in the spot she was in, hoping that none of the children would wake up kicking and screaming as they normally did. Right now she wanted the Lord to have her undivided attention. “I want to love JT. But he broke my heart and I’m so afraid that he’ll do it again.”

  Trust. She heard the Lord speak that word into her heart.

  A smile began to creep across Cassandra’s face. “So are You saying that if I trust JT, I will be able to give him my heart?”

  No answer came, but a peace began to wash over her at the thought of trusting JT with her heart. And if this would result in letting go of the fear she carried around with her day in and day out, then so much the better. She got off the bed and found that Mary Mary CD she was just thinking about. JT had bought her that CD a couple of weeks ago and she’d listened to it so much that it seemed as if it was finally sinking in. She turned the first song on. The words “I’m a believer” shouted through the speakers as Mary Mary sang the words of Cassandra’s heart. She danced all around her room, enjoying the Lord.

  Jerome burst open her bedroom door. He stood there for a moment with a puzzled look on his face and then asked, “Wha ‘cha doing?”

  “I’m praise dancing, baby. Come join me.” Cassandra grabbed Jerome’s hands and spun him around.

  He laughed. “Do it again, Mommy.”

  Cassandra picked him up and danced across the room with her little man. She and Jerome were in such high spirits as they laughed and danced that they didn’t hear the front door open. Nor did they hear the foot steps on the stairs. Cassandra swirled around with Jerome and almost dropped him when she saw JT leaned against the doorpost watching them.

  JT rushed over to help hold Jerome in her arms so he wouldn’t fall. Jerome appeared oblivious to the fact that he’d almost landed on the floor. “Dance with us, Daddy,” he shouted.

&nb
sp; “You two are in good spirits,” JT said as he moved to the music with them. They danced around the room and then Jerome wanted to be put down.

  As soon as Jerome was on his own two feet, he danced his way out of their room. Nervous to be left alone with JT, Cassandra asked Jerome, “Where are you going?”

  “To get a toy,” he said as he kept dancing down the hall.

  Cassandra tried to follow behind her son, but JT put his hand on her arm halting her. “Where’s your mother?”

  “I sent her home,” Cassandra told him.

  “Why’d you send her home?”

  She didn’t look at him, too ashamed of her hardheadedness. “You were right, JT. My mother is just too bitter right now to be around the kids.”

  JT hugged her. “Thank you, Cassandra,” he said, and then as he pulled away he asked, “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  His eyes were so full of love for her. She wanted to just lean in and let the loving begin, but so much had happened, and she and JT still had so much to iron out. She didn’t blame JT though. Cassandra was beginning to think that she had moved back in with him too soon. She hadn’t healed from all the pain he’d caused her. Funny thing was, at this moment, she wanted to be healed. She wanted to just let go and let God work this out for her.

  She could do this. The Lord would help her. She nodded, getting ready to say okay, but then Lily woke, screaming and crying and Aaron followed suit. She turned toward the door and said, “Let’s talk tonight. I need to see about these kids, okay?”

  JT followed behind her. He went into Aaron’s room and picked him up while Cassandra picked up Lily. They all went downstairs and into the family room. Cassandra put Lily in the playpen and then went into the kitchen to warm up dinner.

  JT walked up behind her and turned her around. He lifted her chin so that she was looking into his eyes. “You’ve been crying,” he said.

  “Yes,” she answered honestly. “But let’s talk about it tonight.

  Twelve

  They were in their bedroom. Cassandra was seated on the stool in front of her vanity and JT had just stepped out of the shower. He had on loose fitting, cotton pajama pants and a t-shirt. He saw Cassandra watching him and he hoped that look in her eyes meant what he thought. But he had to get something straight before he could even go there.

  Thankfully though, Cassandra put him out of his misery before he even asked the question. “Look, JT, I know you received a picture of me with another man either on your cell phone or through email.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Because I saw Diane take the picture and she told me that she was going to send it to you.”

  JT snapped his fingers together. “I knew that picture was sent to me from a number I should have recognized. But then she checks on her child so little, I didn’t remember her number.”

  “According to Diane, she talks to you quite frequently. She even dared me to check the cell phone bill to find out just how much she calls you.”

  “That’s a lie. The first time I talked to that woman in months was Tuesday when she called to tell me she was back in town and wanted Lily.”

  “So you don’t mind if I check the cell phone bill?”

  “Absolutely not. Feel free to check it,” he said like a man with nothing to hide. “Now do you mind telling me who this man in the picture is?”

  Cassandra stood up. She hesitated long enough for JT’s knees to give out. He sat on the edge of the bed and looked at her again. She was everything he wanted. He wished he’d known that simple fact years ago when he was uselessly playing the field. He would give anything if he could take back the hurt he’d caused her. But maybe there was something he could do. He could accept her with her flaws, just as she had done for him. As Cassandra finally opened her mouth to speak, JT lifted his hand. “Forget it. I don’t want to know. Just tell me one thing?”

  “What’s that?”

  “Are you planning to leave me?”

  “If you had asked me that question earlier this week or even earlier today, I wouldn’t have been able to give you an answer. My mind has been in so much turmoil that I haven’t been able to think clearly.”

  “Are… you… in… love… with… him?” Every word that escaped JT’s mouth caused a slow death to his heart. He held his breath, waiting on an answer.

  Cassandra rushed over to JT as she shook her head. “Oh, no. You’ve got it all wrong. I’m not seeing anyone else. The turmoil I’ve been going through has nothing to do with another man.”

  “But what about the picture, Cassandra? You were holding that man’s hand.”

  “No I wasn’t. If anything, he was holding my hand. And I’m still not sure why he grabbed my hand when he did.” She sat down on the bed next to JT and put his hand in hers. “I was wrong for not answering your phone calls this week, I knew what you wanted. I just wasn’t ready to tell you what was really going on.”

  He liked that she was holding his hand, but he was still hesitant when he asked, “And what has been going on.”

  “I felt so bad about the panic attacks I’ve been having and the fact that I didn’t know what was causing them that I started seeing a therapist. Every Tuesday when you take the kids, I go to see Dr. Clarkson.”

  “But that picture wasn’t taken on Tuesday was it?”

  “No. I had another panic attack on Tuesday night, so I called Dr. Clarkson and asked if I could meet with him. He was nice enough to meet me for lunch, we just didn’t know that Diane would be filming us.” Cassandra shook her head as she remembered Diane’s hateful words.

  It was as if JT didn’t hear anything about Diane filming his wife. His mind was strictly focused on one thing. “I still don’t understand why this so-called therapist held onto your hand like he did.”

  “It’s really not the big deal you’re trying to make it. It was nothing. I don’t even remember what we were talking about when he grabbed my hand. All I know is that Diane was Johnny-on-the-spot with snapping that picture, because I pulled my hand out of his as soon as he grabbed it.”

  JT stood up and paced the room. “I don’t think you should go to this therapist anymore. I don’t trust him. Mark my words, Cassandra. He’s up to something.”

  “If you would just sit back down and listen to me, I’m trying to tell you that I don’t think I need to see Dr. Clarkson anymore anyway.”

  He whirled around to face his wife. “What do you mean? What else happened?”

  “I finally figured out that all this fear and anxiety I’ve been going through is a direct result of my not trusting you. Right before you came home, I handed all my problems over to God. I’m done stressing.”

  “Why did you have a panic attack on Tuesday night? You’ve normally had those when… you know; when I touch you.”

  “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. It had nothing to do with your touch, but everything to do with my fear of you not being true. On Tuesday evening someone called here breathing heavy into the phone, I figured out it was Diane the next day. But that night, my mother convinced me that it was some new woman of yours playing on the phone and I spazzed out.”

  “You’re the only woman I want, Cassandra. If I didn’t know that before, I certainly figured it out this week.”

  Cassandra stood back up, she didn’t move away from JT though. “I want to believe that, JT. It’s just that we’ve been through so much that sometimes it’s hard for me to accept that you truly want me. But I decided something when I was in this room crying my eyes out earlier.” She sat back down and looked him directly in the eye as she said, “I’m tired of crying and stressing over you, JT. I’m either going to trust you, or pack my bags and leave.”

  “I need you to trust me, baby. I don’t ever want you to leave me again.”

  “Then I need your help JT. I’ve decided to give you my heart, but I need you to be more than a man… I need you to be God’s man.”

  He raised his hand to her face and gently stroked it. When sh
e didn’t recoil at his touch, he silently prayed that her words were true and that his wife had finally come back to him. “You’ve got a deal, baby,” he said as he covered her mouth with his.

  Cassandra didn’t move away. She squeezed in closer and enjoyed the moment. When he came up for air, she asked, “So what do we do now?”

  JT laughed. “See, woman, it’s been so long, you’ve forgotten what to do.” He picked her up and gently placed her in the middle of the bed. He turned out the lights and they trusted each other with their love all night long.

  Thirteen

  The rest of the weekend was magical for JT. His wife had finally let go of her fears and fallen back into his arms. They spent all day Saturday feeding the kids and rushing them back to their rooms for a nap. Their children took so many naps on Saturday that they were sluggish on Sunday morning and kept nodding off as JT preached to his small congregation. JT tried not to take it personally that his children couldn’t keep their eyes open during his sermons. Before he could get too discouraged he noticed that two new faces were seated amongst his regulars.

  Cassandra noticed them also and rushed to them after service. She shook the couple’s hands and said, “Welcome. I hope you enjoyed the service.

  “We did,” the woman told Cassandra and then added, “I was just telling my husband that we should come back next Sunday.”

  “Oh you have to come back. JT is one of the most anointed pastors in this city. I guarantee you’ll get something out of his messages,” Cassandra gushed.

  “Don’t mind her, she’s my wife, so she sees me through the eyes of love,” JT said as he joined the group and put his arm around Cassandra’s waist. The woman his wife was talking to was Halle Berry beautiful, but as far as JT was concerned, Cassandra lit up his world and caused him to see only her.

  “Shush, boy, even if I wasn’t your wife, I’d tell people what an anointed man of God you are.”