Well Groomed

by Fiona Walker

  ‘To France?’ Sally froze, mindlessly fishing in her pockets for a tissue.

  ‘Yes, darling.’ She was bubbling over with excitement. ‘Tash phoned her father’s house earlier to say that Niall wasn’t going to kill himself after all, and that the wedding was still on, so I offered them the Loire house for a couple of days’ well-deserved rest before the fun started.’

  ‘Tash and Niall?’

  ‘No, of course not!’ Alexandra laughed and then gulped guiltily. ‘I mean, yes. Well, Tash certainly. Hmm.’ She scanned the room, frantic to cover up her blooper.

  Then, glancing at Sally again, she took in her swollen-eyed face with sudden concern. ‘Are you all right, darling? You look as though you’ve been crying.’

  ‘Conjunctivitis,’ Sally lied. ‘So how long are they staying in France with you? I thought they’d only just come back?’ She rubbed her forehead fretfully, looking tense and preoccupied. Lisette was edging her group closer now, still unable to hear properly over the party babble.

  Bubbling over with nervous excitement, Alexandra completely forgot to lie.

  ‘Oh, just a couple of nights. They’re using the Loire house while we’re in Paris – it’s only lying empty and the weather’s so lovely there at the moment. They both need a break. I think it’s so devilish.’ She smiled dreamily. ‘Tash says they’re saying goodbye to England and helloping to France.’

  ‘They’re eloping?’ gasped Sally, who’d been too distracted to concentrate fully. ‘Niall and Tash are eloping?’

  There was a shocked lull immediately around them.

  ‘What!’ Lisette howled, abandoning her power-group altogether and rushing up to them. ‘But the wedding’s next weekend. They can’t go off on the sly and get hitched beforehand.’

  ‘But they’re not, darling,’ Alexandra said hastily, frantically trying to remember where she’d seen her before. ‘The wedding’s still going ahead – I can’t wait to be there. I do so adore them, don’t you?’

  ‘I’m sorry. My fault. I think there’s been some sort of misunderstanding.’ Lisette’s slinky smile sprang back into place as her eyes darted nervously towards the power-group she had deserted, a lot of whom were influential film industry high-flyers she had begged, bribed and bullied to come that night.

  ‘Oh, there has been, darling!’ Alexandra laughed delightedly. ‘There was a misunderstanding right at the very beginning of this fiasco and it was all my batty mother’s fault.’

  ‘What’s Etty got to do with this?’ Sally asked in confusion.

  But Lisette was already cutting across her with another furious realisation, this time far more quietly spoken for fear of being overheard.

  ‘Hang on – are you telling us they’re going to fucking France tonight?’ she hissed in a voice so low that it seemed to come from the spikes of her three-inch heels.

  Not hearing her properly, Alexandra looked rather shocked. ‘Well, darling, it’s not something I’d actually planned to ask them. These things are rather private and Tash has never been a great one for telling her mother all the gory details.’

  ‘I should hope not,’ said a dry voice as Hugo wandered in. He was still wearing his breeches and a dog-eared jumper, his blue eyes gleaming. ‘Hello, Alexandra darling. Did you know there’s a helicopter pilot helping India with her French homework in the Lime Tree Farm kitchen? He says he’s something to do with you.’

  ‘Hugo – there you are!’ Alexandra looked delighted. ‘I’ve been searching everywhere for you. Where on earth—’

  ‘—are my manners? I know.’ Stooping down to kiss her on the cheek, he muttered ‘Belt up’ very kindly in her ear before straightening up again. ‘Listen, Zoe’s pretty keen to boot this pilot out so that she can have a word with her kids. Shall we walk up to the farm to stop him drowning in young India’s eyes?’

  Giving him a beseeching look of apology, Alexandra laughed. ‘Of course, though lord knows why he’s helping her with her homework. He’s Yugoslavian. His French is absolutely dreadful.’ She headed outside.

  Hugo glanced back at Lisette for a moment. ‘Give me five minutes.’

  ‘Where are Tash and Niall?’ she demanded furiously, but he’d already gone.

  ‘Perhaps they’re not coming.’ Sally chewed her lip, her eyes almost hopeful.

  ‘I’m employing Niall – he still has two scenes to shoot! He can’t swan off to France,’ Lisette spat at her. ‘And whilst I’m on the subject, I thought I was employing you too. You’re supposed to be on the door.’

  ‘Not any longer,’ Sally told her. ‘I’m quitting – had I known six months ago that you wanted to be my friend again just so that you could act out some silly revenge mission on darling Tash, I’d have taken Matty’s advice and told you to swivel on your barbed tongue once and for all!’

  ‘You what?’ Lisette licked her lips nervously and glanced at her power-group who were still hovering nearby quaffing Krug. A few of her invited journalists were milling around within earshot too.

  ‘You’ve used me, Lisette.’ Sally’s eyes were stinging with tears but her voice stayed calm and level. ‘You only employed me to get closer to Tash’s mob. It’s why I’ve done nothing for you but run errands that have been run already. You weren’t trying to help me build my confidence and get away from the kids a few days a week. You just realised what an indiscreet blabbermouth I am and hoped it would be useful. And it bloody well has been, hasn’t it?’

  ‘You’ve got me all wrong, Sally.’ Lisette tried to pull her away from the gathering crowd of fascinated onlookers. ‘Let’s talk this through in private.’

  ‘No!’ She pulled away. ‘I will never forgive myself for being duped like this. I’ve probably wrecked poor Tash’s career and I hate myself to hell for it!’

  ‘Sally!’ Lisette hissed desperately, directing her eyes towards the journalists.

  ‘It’s okay, for once my trap is shut,’ she sighed. ‘I’m too mortally ashamed of my involvement in all this to tell tales. After all, there’s nothing I can do to stop you selling the horse to Hugo, is there?’

  ‘Don’t talk rubbish.’ Lisette was trying to tow her away by the arm now.

  ‘If I hadn’t suggested that childish sponsorship idea, you would never have known you were entitled to half that horse, would you?’ wailed Sally. ‘And now, instead of giving it back to Tash as you promised, you’re going to sell it to that bastard Beauchamp, aren’t you? Knowing full well that he and Tash loathe one another.’

  ‘I’m not.’ Lisette’s eyes flashed.

  Shaking her head, Sally sobbed on, ‘You are, Lisette. I’ve seen tonight’s surprise wedding present. While I was in the kitchen, I spotted the golden envelope you’ve got hidden back there and I’m afraid I peeked at the winner. Imagine my surprise when I found out the show was rigged. Well, I’m nominating you for the worst friend of the millennium awards. You’re so full of acid, I’m surprised you don’t dissolve yourself.’ She walked off, leaving all the onlookers wildly frustrated that such a show-grabbing scrap had yielded practically no gossip at all.

  Lisette straightened her skirt, took a deep, shaky breath and flashed a smile at them all. ‘Silly bitch!’ she chirped brightly, heading off to fetch herself another drink. She looked at her watch. It was almost half-past ten; some people were already leaving.

  David slid over to her, hand discreetly tracing her bottom, leathery face dipping towards hers. ‘Looks like the star attraction and his future wife are having an early night.’

  ‘They’ll be here,’ she muttered through gritted teeth, as much to convince herself as him. ‘Niall never can resist the chance to make a speech.’

  In the corner, the arrogant young actor was not progressing very far with Stefan’s austere father. With the aid of a lot of miming and wide hand gestures, he had managed to get across the fact that he was an actor, but Stefan’s father merely nodded politely that he understood, repeating the word: ‘Actooor.’

  ‘James Bond?’ the young rake said s
lowly and clearly, his eyebrows nudging towards his hairline eagerly. ‘Double O Seven. Yes?’

  ‘Yes! Yes!’ Stefan’s father had heard of that too. ‘Bond!’ he said in a strange, loopy voice, putting his hands together in a gun gesture and blowing the tips of his fingers with a cackling laugh. Beside him, Stefan’s mother fell about too. It was the first time they had so much as cracked a smile all night.

  Draining his third unadulterated orange juice, the actor closed his eyes and groaned.

  Hugo reappeared five minutes later, pushing his way through the gaggles of now very drunken party-goers until he located Lisette in one of her power-groups. She was all oozing, delighted charm in front of the money-men, but the moment she had apologetically excused herself and gone into the kitchen, she dropped the smile as fast as an armed robber pulling off a plastic cartoon mask and rounded on him, huge eyes flashing. ‘What’s going on, Hugo? Where are they?’

  ‘Well, Tash is in the bath,’ Hugo lit a cigarette, oblivious of the hustle of waiting staff and pot-washers around them. His eyes didn’t leave her face.

  ‘So they are definitely coming here tonight?’

  ‘Well, Niall is.’ Hugo clicked his lighter shut and watched her like a hawk sizing up a snack. ‘He has a little announcement to make.’

  Lisette went pale. ‘Shit! But I thought Tash’s mother said—’

  ‘Alexandra was overexcited,’ Hugo cut in evenly. ‘Although I think you’ll be rather pleased with what he has to say. You certainly won’t need to blow the view halloo to that little pack of news hounds you’ve got gathered out there.’

  Glancing sideways at the busy kitchen staff, Lisette blanched. ‘You know?’

  ‘Of course I know.’ Hugo shot her a withering look. Then he leaned back against a stainless steel surface, eyes narrowing. ‘I couldn’t believe you took it so calmly yesterday when I told you I refused to abide by your conditions in our Badminton arrangement. It didn’t take much effort to discover that you had more cards up your sleeve than a pick-pocket in a department store. Reporters’ personal business cards mostly. It’s like a seventies Fleet Street pub in here tonight.’

  ‘If Niall makes an announcement, then they’re all going to hear it. I can hardly throw them out.’

  ‘And your grubby little exclusive?’

  She backed towards a juddering industrial dishwasher. ‘If the wedding’s called off, then I can’t stop that happening either.’

  ‘Sure.’ Hugo snatched another puff of his cigarette. ‘Just as you couldn’t have stopped Bob Hudson telling Niall that he was going to be sued by Sleeping Partners if he approached you about pulling out of the Cheers! deal?’

  ‘Don’t talk shit!’

  ‘We both know that greedy little Bob has never said no to a fast buck, fuck or tummy tuck.’ Hugo watched her as she tripped over a trolley stacked with plates. ‘How much did you offer him to pretend that contract of yours was as binding as a kidnapper’s gaffer tape? Don’t tell me you traded in below the belt liposuction?’

  ‘You bastard!’

  ‘It’s true, though, isn’t it?’ Hugo laughed. ‘You cooked up a fat little deal with that criminal agent of Niall’s to convince the great, gullible Irish idiot that he’d be put through the mill faster than a green peppercorn if he tried to pull out of your sham contract. You’ve been spreading Chinese laundry whispers lately, haven’t you, Lisette? No wonder Niall’s been shitting himself. First you made him think you were going to take him to the cleaners, now he believes you’re planning to air his dirty linen in public.’

  ‘I don’t want to hurt him!’ she bleated. ‘I just want him to marry Tash.’

  ‘Exactly.’ He cocked his head, watching her face with growing amazement. ‘Boy, have you given out the wedding marching orders recently, Lisette. For a long time I was convinced that you were intent on roasting the bride and groom, but I’ve changed my mind about you. I think you’ve been trying to keep as quiet as a church spouse all along, but your faith in Niall back-fired on you.’

  ‘I need this wedding to go ahead!’ For a moment she looked distraught with fear, the huge eyes luminous with tears, red mouth gashed apart with a wail of absolute desperation.

  ‘And you’ll get it.’ Hugo walked across to the kitchen until they were almost nose-to-nose. ‘On two conditions.’ He suddenly smiled.

  Too frantic to see the irony of the situation, Lisette gnawed at a glossy red lip. ‘What conditions?’

  ‘Firstly, you guarantee me that your grim ex-file never sees the light of a Sunday exclusive.’ His blue eyes danced as coolly as light refracting through ice. ‘Not that you’d ever show it to anyone unless you were certain your film was going to crash and die anyway. After all, publishing it would leave you without a leading actor. You could hardly expect Niall to roll up to work after the printing presses roll with that.’

  ‘He’s under contract!’ she ground her teeth.

  ‘Con being the operative word.’ Hugo backed away and started to scan the steel shelving to their left. ‘You’re bloody lucky he hasn’t drunk himself to death over this. If it weren’t for Zoe Goldsmith he probably would have done.’

  Lisette looked at him for a long time, ignoring the kitchen help who was trying to edge his way behind her to open the dishwasher.

  ‘Niall wasn’t really threatening to kill himself, was he?’ she asked worriedly, her voice dropping to a hushed croak.

  Searching through a shelf of catering-sized sauce bottles now, Hugo grinned over his shoulder. ‘And deprive you of an income? He’s far too kind. Anyway, he’s got Tash and her mother on his side now. And he’s getting married next Saturday – provided you agree to condition number two.’

  ‘Which is?’ She watched as he peered between two jars of mustard.

  ‘Come Saturday, you give your share of that horse back to its rightful owner.’

  ‘And who’s that?’ Lisette lifted her chin, eyes glancing towards a shelf on the right.

  ‘That’s for you to decide.’ Hugo backed away, following her gaze and finally locating an envelope hidden there, tucked beneath a vast tin of tomato purée. ‘I want you to be a maiden name of honour at the wedding, Ms Norton. And you know, I rather think you have it in you. That’s the ridiculous thing. You really do want Niall to be happy, don’t you? You want him to be as content in his second marriage as you are in yours – to your bloody career.’

  ‘And you?’ She watched him in disbelief. ‘What’s in this for you? You love that bloody scatty, mixed-up creature.’

  ‘Oh, I’ll cope with the loss.’ He turned the envelope over in his hands. ‘After all, love and marriage need their horse and carriage, don’t they?’

  He calmly ripped up the rectangle without gazing at its contents.

  ‘You knew I was going to sign the bloody horse over to you all along, didn’t you?’ Lisette laughed in amazement.

  ‘I’m a professional eventer.’ He shrugged. ‘I always examine the mouth of any nag I’m offered. You didn’t really believe that I couldn’t see the wooden gift horse for the trees, did you?’

  ‘And you’re still willing to let Niall marry her on Saturday?’

  ‘I’m all for it.’ Hugo smiled. ‘She’s one of the loveliest women I’ve ever encountered. He’s one hell of a lucky bastard, if you ask me.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘I must go. Do I take it I have your agreement? Only I said I’d get back to Niall ten minutes ago.’

  Lisette nodded mutely.

  ‘Good.’ Hugo ran his hand through his hair. ‘Don’t look so glum, darling – you’re going to one hell of a wedding next weekend. Now I must push off, there’s a rather affectionate pack of spaniels I’m eager to reacquaint myself with.’

  As soon as he’d gone, Lisette escaped to the loo and pressed her burning face to the cool window at the rear of the cubicle.

  To her amazement, Niall was in the bar when she came out, knocking back mineral water and charming everyone in sight. Standing at the huge, unlit fireplace, he made a brie
f announcement.

  ‘Tash apologises that she can’t make it,’ he said loudly, with a strange glint in his eyes. ‘But the wedding is still very much on, and we all look forward to seeing you next weekend, if not at the ceremony then at the reception afterwards. It should be a bloody brilliant affair.’

  He walked up to Lisette and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. ‘Sorry I’m late, angel. I’ll pose all you like for the Cheers! guy now I’m here.’

  Lisette’s eyes were brimming with tears as she took in his kind, craggy face which bore not one streak of malice.

  ‘You don’t have to,’ she found herself saying.

  He shrugged. ‘I don’t mind. I know how much this means to you.’

  She shook her head very slowly and determinedly. ‘Nothing means that much, Niall. Please don’t get married next weekend.’

  ‘But I want to.’ He smiled easily. ‘You see, you’ve done me a favour, angel. You’ve given Tash and me the chance to show just how much we care about one another.’

  Lisette stared at him in horror.

  ‘Does she know you’ve been seeing Zoe Goldsmith?’ she managed to splutter.

  ‘Of course,’ Niall told her calmly. ‘She knows everything. We have no secrets – I can safely say she’s the best mate I have, which is why she’s going to be standing at my side on Saturday morning.’

  ‘Rather forgiving, isn’t she?’ Lisette frowned, trying to keep calm.

  ‘She’s an extraordinary girl, so she is.’ He grinned. ‘And so’s the chap she wants to spend the rest of her life with.’

  ‘He’s an unfaithful bastard!’

  ‘Shh.’ Niall winked. ‘Don’t tell her that. Jesus, I’ve tried enough times, but she’s ludicrously attached to him.’

  Forty-Three

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